Telling friends
Notifications OFF
Recently the investigation into my OH's phone came to a close and he received a caution and 2 years on the SOR for sending messages to someone about buying IIOC. The guy he was going to buy from had sent him a collage (it was really blurry!) of what I could only assume were video stills/screenshots to show what he could buy. After a few messages back and forth, my OH ended up not proceeding with the purchase and nothing further was found on his phone. His caution was for a single indecent photograph/pseudophotograph of children, which was contained in the messages.
All of our close friends knew about the investigation and that they were searching his phone for IIOC, but a lot of them didn't know it was because he had actually almost bought images (I had found the messages myself and reported him for them, so I knew from the very start). Aside from a select few friends who have known every detail, the rest I told that he was caught talking to some young teens online and that the investigation proceeded from that. At the time that felt a little more 'forgivable' than saying he tried to buy IIOC! The few friends who know the real reason for the investigation and also know the outcome have stuck by us. My worry is telling those friends who don't know the full picture. Do I tell them he received the caution and it was because he was chatting with teens online, or do I tell them that he almost bought IIOC but didn't proceed? Or should I just not tell them the outcome of the investigation in the hopes that they've forgotten? His arrest was almost a year ago and they haven't asked for an update so maybe we could just let it slide?
My concern is though that his VISOR officer visited for the first time the other day and he asked us if we have friends that we see with children and if so, do the parents know about the crime and the outcome. Any time we see our friends I'm always there and he's never left alone with our kids or theirs, but I don't know if the officer is basically saying we should be disclosing his crime to them? I should have asked if this is something we should do, but it's also not part of the conditions of registering as a sex offender. He has no SHPO or conditions to the caution either. Has anybody here not disclosed the situation to friends with children? What would you do in this situation?
All of our close friends knew about the investigation and that they were searching his phone for IIOC, but a lot of them didn't know it was because he had actually almost bought images (I had found the messages myself and reported him for them, so I knew from the very start). Aside from a select few friends who have known every detail, the rest I told that he was caught talking to some young teens online and that the investigation proceeded from that. At the time that felt a little more 'forgivable' than saying he tried to buy IIOC! The few friends who know the real reason for the investigation and also know the outcome have stuck by us. My worry is telling those friends who don't know the full picture. Do I tell them he received the caution and it was because he was chatting with teens online, or do I tell them that he almost bought IIOC but didn't proceed? Or should I just not tell them the outcome of the investigation in the hopes that they've forgotten? His arrest was almost a year ago and they haven't asked for an update so maybe we could just let it slide?
My concern is though that his VISOR officer visited for the first time the other day and he asked us if we have friends that we see with children and if so, do the parents know about the crime and the outcome. Any time we see our friends I'm always there and he's never left alone with our kids or theirs, but I don't know if the officer is basically saying we should be disclosing his crime to them? I should have asked if this is something we should do, but it's also not part of the conditions of registering as a sex offender. He has no SHPO or conditions to the caution either. Has anybody here not disclosed the situation to friends with children? What would you do in this situation?
Hi,
my understanding is that they can only disclose what he was cautioned for. The exact wording of it should be on any paperwork he received. They would usually do this by asking for the parents names and going through social services to disclose if appropriate.
In my persons case it was in the media and prior to that everyone within both families knew anyway. We don't have any joint friends who have children and he doesn't see my friends who have children at the moment. To be honest he's not close to his extended family so when there are gatherings that have children there I go with his parents and our daughter. That's normal for our daughter because she was born just after sentencing so hasn't ever known anything different.
As he has no conditions attached other than those of the SOR I would hope that you letting them know that you supervise would be good enough for them in terms of safeguarding xxx
my understanding is that they can only disclose what he was cautioned for. The exact wording of it should be on any paperwork he received. They would usually do this by asking for the parents names and going through social services to disclose if appropriate.
In my persons case it was in the media and prior to that everyone within both families knew anyway. We don't have any joint friends who have children and he doesn't see my friends who have children at the moment. To be honest he's not close to his extended family so when there are gatherings that have children there I go with his parents and our daughter. That's normal for our daughter because she was born just after sentencing so hasn't ever known anything different.
As he has no conditions attached other than those of the SOR I would hope that you letting them know that you supervise would be good enough for them in terms of safeguarding xxx
Thank you! They only asked the name of my closest friend with children as we see them quite regularly (and she knows the full situation). The other friends we see maybe once a month or two months and they didn't ask for their names. I did say in all circumstances I'm always there if he is and it's always in a public place too.
This may be an unpopular opinion but...
If you specifically ask, the Mosovo or whoever seems very likely to err on the side of caution and tell you you must disclose. What they don't know they can't tell you not to do. Obviously you can take this too far but for us:
We were advised if we see people with children regularly we should let them know. We have therefore taken the stance of ensuring we don't meet up with anyone we know with kids who doesn't know about it more than 2-3 times per year. To some people that might be regular, to us it's not. Mosovo didn't put a timeframe of regular and we have decided not to ask (also no SHPO so it's all down to discretion)
The one thing we did ask (church attendance) we were told we must disclose
If you specifically ask, the Mosovo or whoever seems very likely to err on the side of caution and tell you you must disclose. What they don't know they can't tell you not to do. Obviously you can take this too far but for us:
We were advised if we see people with children regularly we should let them know. We have therefore taken the stance of ensuring we don't meet up with anyone we know with kids who doesn't know about it more than 2-3 times per year. To some people that might be regular, to us it's not. Mosovo didn't put a timeframe of regular and we have decided not to ask (also no SHPO so it's all down to discretion)
The one thing we did ask (church attendance) we were told we must disclose