in need of guidance
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My partner disclosed to me that he is on the SOR register for 10 years and a SHPO. His crime didn't happen whilst we were together. It was a few years ago.
It goes without saying, this came as an earth shattering shock. It's something I'm trying to process but am finding very difficult to come to terms with. Some days I feel certain I want to stay with him. Other days I want to leave.
For context we've been together less than a year. Before I found out I'd been head over heels madly in love. He is an incredible, kind, loving and caring person. He's put in a great deal of work to rehabilitate himself and prove he is not who he was.
After finding out, I still love him deeply but terrified about how this could affect the future I thought we'd have. I had to tell a few 'close' people for support and felt judgement from them for even considering to stay. But I don't know if these people truly have my best interest at heart or if they're saying what they think based on their predisposed opinions to what he did. Before knowing my partner, I wouldn't have considered being associated with someone on the SOR. And yet, here I am. I guess I'm peering through a different lens now.
I suppose what I'm asking is, am I crazy for holding a lantern of hope that this could work?
What are the biggest hurdles people in this situation have come across?
I don't want children and neither does he but I have family I see from time to time who have kids. My friends may have kids in the future, would I have to tell them?
Please be gentle. I'm trying to find my way with very little support.
It goes without saying, this came as an earth shattering shock. It's something I'm trying to process but am finding very difficult to come to terms with. Some days I feel certain I want to stay with him. Other days I want to leave.
For context we've been together less than a year. Before I found out I'd been head over heels madly in love. He is an incredible, kind, loving and caring person. He's put in a great deal of work to rehabilitate himself and prove he is not who he was.
After finding out, I still love him deeply but terrified about how this could affect the future I thought we'd have. I had to tell a few 'close' people for support and felt judgement from them for even considering to stay. But I don't know if these people truly have my best interest at heart or if they're saying what they think based on their predisposed opinions to what he did. Before knowing my partner, I wouldn't have considered being associated with someone on the SOR. And yet, here I am. I guess I'm peering through a different lens now.
I suppose what I'm asking is, am I crazy for holding a lantern of hope that this could work?
What are the biggest hurdles people in this situation have come across?
I don't want children and neither does he but I have family I see from time to time who have kids. My friends may have kids in the future, would I have to tell them?
Please be gentle. I'm trying to find my way with very little support.
I’m sorry you have had need to join us all on here. This is an incredibly difficult thing to find out about someone you care for. You situation is somewhat similar to mine, my partner was on SOR for 10 years for an offence which occurred a few years before we met, something which unfortunatly I only discovered recently.
If you want to discuss further feel free to message me
If you want to discuss further feel free to message me
I wouldn't be impressed at the fact he let the relationship develop this far (almost a year!!) without telling you.
Welcome to the forum and well done on reaching out for support. Hearing your partners disclosure must have been a big shock for you and is going to take time to process.
It sounds as if your partner has worked hard with his rehabilitation which in my mind is the important part. Yes he did something bad but he's acknowledged this and is doing everything he can to ensure he makes better decisions and choices in the future.
You say your partner is an incredible, kind, loving and caring person and it's those characteristics that define him. I don't believe a person should be defined by the worst day(s) of their lives.
Personally I don't think you're crazy for holding a lantern of hope. There will be obstacles to overcome and restrictions to keep but if you think you can navigate these together them you'll find ways of doing so.
One of the hurdles you'll face will be people's judgement. You'll find people who accept your partner for the incredible person he is and others who won't give him a chance. My person is my son who I love unconditionally, we now have a few less people around our table but the ones who are there accept and love him for who he is.
Whether you have to disclose to family and friends with children will depend on the restrictions in his SHPO. My sons story was in the media so most people who know him already know his story. His SHPO states that he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18 years unless agreed by social services and the parents. This means that in theory he doesn't need to disclose as long as he is supervised.
Other things to consider are that your partner may find it challenging to secure employment, there will be limitations on where you can go on holiday and which travel companies you can travel with, you may have to shop around for house and car insurance and your partner will have an offender manager and unannounced visits in his life for the duration of the time he is on the SOR.
As you've already experienced there will be people who think they know what's best for you but ultimately it's your decision. Try not to be swayed by those around you, take your time and focus on what you want to do and not what others think you should do.
I wish you all the best.
It sounds as if your partner has worked hard with his rehabilitation which in my mind is the important part. Yes he did something bad but he's acknowledged this and is doing everything he can to ensure he makes better decisions and choices in the future.
You say your partner is an incredible, kind, loving and caring person and it's those characteristics that define him. I don't believe a person should be defined by the worst day(s) of their lives.
Personally I don't think you're crazy for holding a lantern of hope. There will be obstacles to overcome and restrictions to keep but if you think you can navigate these together them you'll find ways of doing so.
One of the hurdles you'll face will be people's judgement. You'll find people who accept your partner for the incredible person he is and others who won't give him a chance. My person is my son who I love unconditionally, we now have a few less people around our table but the ones who are there accept and love him for who he is.
Whether you have to disclose to family and friends with children will depend on the restrictions in his SHPO. My sons story was in the media so most people who know him already know his story. His SHPO states that he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18 years unless agreed by social services and the parents. This means that in theory he doesn't need to disclose as long as he is supervised.
Other things to consider are that your partner may find it challenging to secure employment, there will be limitations on where you can go on holiday and which travel companies you can travel with, you may have to shop around for house and car insurance and your partner will have an offender manager and unannounced visits in his life for the duration of the time he is on the SOR.
As you've already experienced there will be people who think they know what's best for you but ultimately it's your decision. Try not to be swayed by those around you, take your time and focus on what you want to do and not what others think you should do.
I wish you all the best.
How long have you been together?
my ex husband is constantly asked about relationships, so while you're saying he's worked hard etc I'd be questioning why he's not told anyone in authority about yourself? He's just on SOR, so can't comment on SHPO.
obviously each force is different, but from what I've been lead to believe for this sort of crime they'd always disclose if they know about the relationship? Hence why my ex husband has remained single
my ex husband is constantly asked about relationships, so while you're saying he's worked hard etc I'd be questioning why he's not told anyone in authority about yourself? He's just on SOR, so can't comment on SHPO.
obviously each force is different, but from what I've been lead to believe for this sort of crime they'd always disclose if they know about the relationship? Hence why my ex husband has remained single
I don't think the police would disclose, unless there is a safeguarding issue. If the two people are living at seperate addresses and there are no children involved, I see no reason to disclose.
It becomes more difficult if there are any children visiting the address. If the police knew about that then they probably would insist on disclosure.
It becomes more difficult if there are any children visiting the address. If the police knew about that then they probably would insist on disclosure.
I dont think anyone wants to be in this position. I guess only you can make that decision.
I would question why it took him a year to disclose that information to you though. To me I would not be happy not knowing that for that length of time. But again im not in your situation and if you feel its ok, trust your heart and gut.
I would also ask what conditions he now has also, some cant be unsupervised around children of a certain age, some need to inform their parole officer if they are around children for a certain amount of time - if this is the case then it will mean disclosing to those around you who do have children. Does he have monitoring software on his phone since the arrest? Peace of mind i guess if you want to look at it that way.
I personally couldn't unsee my ex husbands conviction as I think if they done it once, one bleep could send them right back to doing it again. But we are all different and there is a lot of people on here who separate the crime to the person.
Take time to process it all as with time you'll find you think of different questions etc to ask him.
I would question why it took him a year to disclose that information to you though. To me I would not be happy not knowing that for that length of time. But again im not in your situation and if you feel its ok, trust your heart and gut.
I would also ask what conditions he now has also, some cant be unsupervised around children of a certain age, some need to inform their parole officer if they are around children for a certain amount of time - if this is the case then it will mean disclosing to those around you who do have children. Does he have monitoring software on his phone since the arrest? Peace of mind i guess if you want to look at it that way.
I personally couldn't unsee my ex husbands conviction as I think if they done it once, one bleep could send them right back to doing it again. But we are all different and there is a lot of people on here who separate the crime to the person.
Take time to process it all as with time you'll find you think of different questions etc to ask him.