A year on and still broken
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So it's been a year today since I discovered CSA material on my now ex's laptop. I've had no updates other than "it's an ongoing investigation". I'm still trying to come to terms that the person I was closest to and trusted more than anyone actively sort it out.
I've been through two cycles of 9 week therapy sessions and spent a lot of time of work. My mental health has never been worse than it has this last year. I've had no contact with my ex. Honestly, the fact that he admitted to it and then just cut all contact has had a negative impact because he's got to bury his head in the sand till it goes to court and I know he's lied to his family and diminished what he's actually done because he never faced anything head on until forced to. While I'm stuck with images I never wanted to see in my head.
I hate that I'm still so in love with the person he made out to be and I miss my best friend every day, sometimes I forget that he's not with him and still go to tell him something. I'm so filled with rage everyday too; he lied so many times to me all while telling me I needed help due to my depression and watched me work so hard at my mental health for our relationship and he couldn't do the same. My depression isn't even something that affected me every day before this now it's a constant struggle to get up every day and go to work. All the things I did out of my comfort zone to work on getting better and he didn't think I was worth the same.
I've tried writing down my feelings and all the questions I have but it really doesn't help, because if it doesn't go to court, I'll never fully be able to close this chapter. If it does go to court, he won't even get time because the system is so messed up.
I know I'll start to feel better overtime but it really feels like I'll never get those images out of my head and the guilt I feel for putting him in the path of my niece and nephews or the guilt I have looking back it seems now like the odd little things I never questions are so obvious. I don't know how I'm supposed to start again and trust or let anyone new in. I knew this man for seven years and I'd never trusted someone so much.
No one I know has gone through anything like this so I'm on a completely new path with no guidance and I can't really talk freely about to it people I do know because they just jump in with solutions or statements like "it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty" and it just make me feel worse.
I just want it all to stop and to be able to wake up from this nightmare that never ends.
I've been through two cycles of 9 week therapy sessions and spent a lot of time of work. My mental health has never been worse than it has this last year. I've had no contact with my ex. Honestly, the fact that he admitted to it and then just cut all contact has had a negative impact because he's got to bury his head in the sand till it goes to court and I know he's lied to his family and diminished what he's actually done because he never faced anything head on until forced to. While I'm stuck with images I never wanted to see in my head.
I hate that I'm still so in love with the person he made out to be and I miss my best friend every day, sometimes I forget that he's not with him and still go to tell him something. I'm so filled with rage everyday too; he lied so many times to me all while telling me I needed help due to my depression and watched me work so hard at my mental health for our relationship and he couldn't do the same. My depression isn't even something that affected me every day before this now it's a constant struggle to get up every day and go to work. All the things I did out of my comfort zone to work on getting better and he didn't think I was worth the same.
I've tried writing down my feelings and all the questions I have but it really doesn't help, because if it doesn't go to court, I'll never fully be able to close this chapter. If it does go to court, he won't even get time because the system is so messed up.
I know I'll start to feel better overtime but it really feels like I'll never get those images out of my head and the guilt I feel for putting him in the path of my niece and nephews or the guilt I have looking back it seems now like the odd little things I never questions are so obvious. I don't know how I'm supposed to start again and trust or let anyone new in. I knew this man for seven years and I'd never trusted someone so much.
No one I know has gone through anything like this so I'm on a completely new path with no guidance and I can't really talk freely about to it people I do know because they just jump in with solutions or statements like "it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty" and it just make me feel worse.
I just want it all to stop and to be able to wake up from this nightmare that never ends.
Hi I completely understand how you feel. My person had vigilants at our house a year on the 23rd thou he got sentenced on the 1st of this month and I don't know how to feel about him. As you say, this person was your best friend, the person you trusted completely, you love and in one act they destroyed everything.
Feel free to DM me
Feel free to DM me