Safeguarding and SS involvement
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Hi everyone - the club that nobody ever wanted to be in ????
This is my first post, so I'll give some background.
My OH is almost a year post arrest, and is going to be charged imminently for IIOC across all categories (Kik strikes again!), and of course I was oblivious, and it had been going on for a few years. A story as old as time it seems!
After initially denying it for months (9!), he admitted everything a few months ago and has since taken accountability and made significant changes ever since. He has taken huge steps to reform inc completing Safer Lives programme, he is in weekly therapy, awaiting ptsd assessment (he was sexually assaulted over a decade ago and has never dealt or spoken about it - he told me about it years ago when he was drunk, but wouldn't ever open up or talk about it again, and never got help - this SA and the unresolved trauma is ultimately what lead to an alcohol dependence and an escalating porn addicted), he's on sertraline, he's 3 months sober, journaling, researching trauma and addiction in an effort to understand his past offending behaviour. He is showing genuine remorse and making huge strides forward to change/reform, he is genuinely like a different person (like he's had an 'awakening'), so on that basis I have decided to stay, which I'm finding is being met with disbelief and judgement by the small handful of people who are aware. It's really difficult. I am trying to keep my family together, but it feels like I am being judged for this.
Anyway, that's the background, but my main reason for this post it that I am dealing with SS (I have 2 children aged 10 & 13, so OH is step dad, he also has 2 children of his own aged 9 & 14, who we were seeing every other wknd) and am finding it extremely distressing. Following 2 months of no contact whilst they did their assessment the current situation is that OH is allowed supervised contact but no overnights. I should probably add that the initial assessment that happened when he was first arrested resulted in no further action (just to comply with the bail conditions of no unsupervised contact), but at this point the allegation was for 1 image, and OH was denying it (idiot, I know!). It's only in Aug this year (9 months later) when the police recalled him for a further interview whereby they produced evidence of many more IIOC found on his device that he's admitted everything. Hence SS have now re-opened the case on the basis of the new evidence from the police.
SS have concerns about my 'competency to protect' on the basis that I am staying with my OH and am supporting his recovery. Also because I have said I do not feel his online behaviour would ever transpire to real life (I.e contact offence), and that I do not feel he would ever harm my children (or any child). I tried to use logic also and provided studies and stats around those who internet offend and those who contact offend, and made the mistake of sending them long emotional emails advocating for us to be allowed to function as a family and support each other whilst this is ongoing, which they have twisted to say I don't understand the risk he presents to the children. They spoke to the children as part of the assessment, and did their usual checks (schools, gp etc, also spoke to their Dad, as well as the mother of my OH's children) and no issues at all from anyone, on any level. They wanted to see the kids again 3wks later and I said no as I hadn't told the kids what was going on (trying to protect them) and had said to them that their step-dad was working away, and I didn't see the value in repeating the same exercise with the children 3wks after the initial chat whereby there were no issues. Maybe this was a mistake, but I didn't see the value in dragging them out of school (the initial chat happened during school hols) to repeat this exercise, and even though the kids didn't know the real reason for the chat (I told them it was in relation to a child development study we'd been involved with years previous with a local university), they really didn't want to talk to them the first time (they didn't want to talk to 'random stranger'), so there is no way I could have got them to talk to them again 3wks later.
Anyway, outcome of assessment is that they proposed a CIN, which I have declined and have sent them a detailed safety plan that will be in place to ensure supervised contact at all times and show that any perceived risks are mitigated. Prior to declining the CIN, I did say that now more time had passed that they could talk to the kids again but just outside of the formality of a CIN (the main reason being that a CIN would mean talking to the kids every 20 days - which will only distress the kids, every 2-3 months for a check in, fine, but every 20 days!? The kids would go mad!). I also said that they could risk assess the OH and assess my competency to protect, but again just outside of the formality of the CIN. They have said they can't do that, these things can only be done as part of a CIN, so they've closed the case for now due to my 'engagement' with the supervised contact/no overnights recommendations in place. Which we will be sticking to and following the safety plan I have devised. I am fully expecting they will ramp up again when OH is charged. I'm hoping they don't jump to a CPP given I have previously declined the CIN, I did make it clear I was decling 'at this time' and gave clear reasons (that the formality of a CIN would offer no further protection than what I had already implemented in the robust safety plan). From everything I've read they should always look at the lowest level of appropriate intervention, and escalating to a CPP on the basis of declining a CIN is not a valid reason for escalation. So I will be challenging them on that if that's what they do next.
I am finding the SS the most distressing aspect, as my kids are currently happy and thriving in life, they have a good relationship with their step-dad (which they told SS themselves), and I don't want to disrupt that status quo. One of the concerns SS noted was that I hadn't told the kids what was going on (they're 10 & 13), so I took this onboard and I have since spoken to the kids - I didn't tell them everything, and I didn't mention SS or police involvement - but I explained that something very traumatic happened to their step-dad many years ago, and that because he never dealt with it or got help, this lead him to making some very bad choices in life, and also lead to him developing addictions, inc alcohol and some inappropriate behaviour online. I reassured them that he was getting help etc, but asked them directly (in a few different ways) if there was anything that had ever happened with their step-dad that had ever caused them to worry, be upset, etc, to which they both were clearly saying no (they looked at me like I was mad, like "what are you going on about woman, of course not!"). I know my kids, we are super close, and there is absolutely nothing there.
So in summary, I have declined the CIN, but have provided a detailed safety plan that will be followed to ensure no unsupervised contact (inc no overnights) and any perceived risks are mitigated. I am also on the waiting list to complete the LFF Inform course for families of those who have offended online, OH, in addition to all the steps he has already taken, is in the process of commissioning an independent risk assessment with LFF also (SS suggested this of something we may want to look at as they wouldn't fund it).
I am also wanting to do some safeguarding courses also, and was looking for recommendations? I did look at NSPCC but all their courses seemed to be aimed at professionals rather than parents.
Any advice that anybody can give around safeguarding or dealing with SS generally would be much appreciated ????
This is my first post, so I'll give some background.
My OH is almost a year post arrest, and is going to be charged imminently for IIOC across all categories (Kik strikes again!), and of course I was oblivious, and it had been going on for a few years. A story as old as time it seems!
After initially denying it for months (9!), he admitted everything a few months ago and has since taken accountability and made significant changes ever since. He has taken huge steps to reform inc completing Safer Lives programme, he is in weekly therapy, awaiting ptsd assessment (he was sexually assaulted over a decade ago and has never dealt or spoken about it - he told me about it years ago when he was drunk, but wouldn't ever open up or talk about it again, and never got help - this SA and the unresolved trauma is ultimately what lead to an alcohol dependence and an escalating porn addicted), he's on sertraline, he's 3 months sober, journaling, researching trauma and addiction in an effort to understand his past offending behaviour. He is showing genuine remorse and making huge strides forward to change/reform, he is genuinely like a different person (like he's had an 'awakening'), so on that basis I have decided to stay, which I'm finding is being met with disbelief and judgement by the small handful of people who are aware. It's really difficult. I am trying to keep my family together, but it feels like I am being judged for this.
Anyway, that's the background, but my main reason for this post it that I am dealing with SS (I have 2 children aged 10 & 13, so OH is step dad, he also has 2 children of his own aged 9 & 14, who we were seeing every other wknd) and am finding it extremely distressing. Following 2 months of no contact whilst they did their assessment the current situation is that OH is allowed supervised contact but no overnights. I should probably add that the initial assessment that happened when he was first arrested resulted in no further action (just to comply with the bail conditions of no unsupervised contact), but at this point the allegation was for 1 image, and OH was denying it (idiot, I know!). It's only in Aug this year (9 months later) when the police recalled him for a further interview whereby they produced evidence of many more IIOC found on his device that he's admitted everything. Hence SS have now re-opened the case on the basis of the new evidence from the police.
SS have concerns about my 'competency to protect' on the basis that I am staying with my OH and am supporting his recovery. Also because I have said I do not feel his online behaviour would ever transpire to real life (I.e contact offence), and that I do not feel he would ever harm my children (or any child). I tried to use logic also and provided studies and stats around those who internet offend and those who contact offend, and made the mistake of sending them long emotional emails advocating for us to be allowed to function as a family and support each other whilst this is ongoing, which they have twisted to say I don't understand the risk he presents to the children. They spoke to the children as part of the assessment, and did their usual checks (schools, gp etc, also spoke to their Dad, as well as the mother of my OH's children) and no issues at all from anyone, on any level. They wanted to see the kids again 3wks later and I said no as I hadn't told the kids what was going on (trying to protect them) and had said to them that their step-dad was working away, and I didn't see the value in repeating the same exercise with the children 3wks after the initial chat whereby there were no issues. Maybe this was a mistake, but I didn't see the value in dragging them out of school (the initial chat happened during school hols) to repeat this exercise, and even though the kids didn't know the real reason for the chat (I told them it was in relation to a child development study we'd been involved with years previous with a local university), they really didn't want to talk to them the first time (they didn't want to talk to 'random stranger'), so there is no way I could have got them to talk to them again 3wks later.
Anyway, outcome of assessment is that they proposed a CIN, which I have declined and have sent them a detailed safety plan that will be in place to ensure supervised contact at all times and show that any perceived risks are mitigated. Prior to declining the CIN, I did say that now more time had passed that they could talk to the kids again but just outside of the formality of a CIN (the main reason being that a CIN would mean talking to the kids every 20 days - which will only distress the kids, every 2-3 months for a check in, fine, but every 20 days!? The kids would go mad!). I also said that they could risk assess the OH and assess my competency to protect, but again just outside of the formality of the CIN. They have said they can't do that, these things can only be done as part of a CIN, so they've closed the case for now due to my 'engagement' with the supervised contact/no overnights recommendations in place. Which we will be sticking to and following the safety plan I have devised. I am fully expecting they will ramp up again when OH is charged. I'm hoping they don't jump to a CPP given I have previously declined the CIN, I did make it clear I was decling 'at this time' and gave clear reasons (that the formality of a CIN would offer no further protection than what I had already implemented in the robust safety plan). From everything I've read they should always look at the lowest level of appropriate intervention, and escalating to a CPP on the basis of declining a CIN is not a valid reason for escalation. So I will be challenging them on that if that's what they do next.
I am finding the SS the most distressing aspect, as my kids are currently happy and thriving in life, they have a good relationship with their step-dad (which they told SS themselves), and I don't want to disrupt that status quo. One of the concerns SS noted was that I hadn't told the kids what was going on (they're 10 & 13), so I took this onboard and I have since spoken to the kids - I didn't tell them everything, and I didn't mention SS or police involvement - but I explained that something very traumatic happened to their step-dad many years ago, and that because he never dealt with it or got help, this lead him to making some very bad choices in life, and also lead to him developing addictions, inc alcohol and some inappropriate behaviour online. I reassured them that he was getting help etc, but asked them directly (in a few different ways) if there was anything that had ever happened with their step-dad that had ever caused them to worry, be upset, etc, to which they both were clearly saying no (they looked at me like I was mad, like "what are you going on about woman, of course not!"). I know my kids, we are super close, and there is absolutely nothing there.
So in summary, I have declined the CIN, but have provided a detailed safety plan that will be followed to ensure no unsupervised contact (inc no overnights) and any perceived risks are mitigated. I am also on the waiting list to complete the LFF Inform course for families of those who have offended online, OH, in addition to all the steps he has already taken, is in the process of commissioning an independent risk assessment with LFF also (SS suggested this of something we may want to look at as they wouldn't fund it).
I am also wanting to do some safeguarding courses also, and was looking for recommendations? I did look at NSPCC but all their courses seemed to be aimed at professionals rather than parents.
Any advice that anybody can give around safeguarding or dealing with SS generally would be much appreciated ????
Hiya, re the children attending a CIN mtg, i think only the 13 and 14 year olds might be invited, but the soc wkr's role is to make sure all the children's views are represented at the mtg, so they need to speak with them beforehand and get a good understanding, and the children would not be expected to be at the mtg. School teachers and counsellors would also have input to share.
I'm a bit of a stuck record on here about this, but never ever lie to your children, even out of the best intentions. I was lied to about certain things as a child to protect me and it has done lasting damage to my ability to trust and my relationship with certain family members. And I absolutely knew I wasn't being told the whole truth at the time too - children are a million times more perceptive than we give them credit for. In your shoes I would apologise for not being honest and fill them in fully, including on police and SS involvement. It will have significant ongoing implications for their lives, especially if you two stay together or if their stepdad continues to be a big part of their lives I.e. when will they tell future partners, what will it mean for access to grandchildren etc. In the shorter term if he moves back in, it will mean they can't have friends over. And if it hits the media that is another set of issues. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to say that the last thing you want is your DC turning around in 2 or 5 or 15 years time angry and alienated because they feel very important things were hidden or dripfed
Mine two are the exact same age as yours, so I can imagine what it's like.
Mine two are the exact same age as yours, so I can imagine what it's like.