What will my daughter say in 20yrs time?
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My OH has been sentenced- a year custodial suspended for a year, and 7 years on the SOR with an ongoing SHPO.
I'm struggling. I thought I'd feel better after sentencing and we'd be able to move on but I'm constantly sad and anxious. I worry that one day in the future, my little girl will judge me for putting my partner first and not her (he is stepdad). By staying with him, will she one day accuse me of placing her in harms way... despite me being certain he is not a danger? What if her future partner won't let us/me see her kids when they come along?
Are these silly things to worry about? I feel like I'm so many different versions of myself dependent on who I'm with and where I am, and it's so hard to keep up. I love my OH deeply and so does my daughter- she's really struggled being away from him while the investigation has been happening. If we separate, I'm putting her through that ordeal too. I can't bring myself to talk to my family about how they feel post-sentencing because I'm scared of what they'll say.
I'm just lost.
I'm struggling. I thought I'd feel better after sentencing and we'd be able to move on but I'm constantly sad and anxious. I worry that one day in the future, my little girl will judge me for putting my partner first and not her (he is stepdad). By staying with him, will she one day accuse me of placing her in harms way... despite me being certain he is not a danger? What if her future partner won't let us/me see her kids when they come along?
Are these silly things to worry about? I feel like I'm so many different versions of myself dependent on who I'm with and where I am, and it's so hard to keep up. I love my OH deeply and so does my daughter- she's really struggled being away from him while the investigation has been happening. If we separate, I'm putting her through that ordeal too. I can't bring myself to talk to my family about how they feel post-sentencing because I'm scared of what they'll say.
I'm just lost.
I think it's totally natural to think about. My decision was opposite and I left, and one of the things I really thought about was what kind of life I wanted my children to have, did I want social services involved in their life long term, did I want them to live with restrictions even in their own home, would they ever be able to have friends over, how would i explain our life to them when it's so out o the norm. I also thought how would I feel if a man put my daughter in this situation when she's older, what would I advise, how would I feel watching my grandchildren growing up under restrictions.
For me when I think about what he must of been watching and getting a kick out of (and it's difficult to think about because I'm so horrified by it I can even imagine that content) and I think if he was watching that happen to someone else's children and enjoying it, going back repeatedly for more, and I had no idea that that was his thing he was into then how can I ever be really sure about what he's telling me now, and that he is safe to be around my little girl when he's been watching other men sexually assault little girls.
I couldn't get my head around it but would say over half of my decision was based on what do I want for my children and how will they view this situation when they are older.
For me when I think about what he must of been watching and getting a kick out of (and it's difficult to think about because I'm so horrified by it I can even imagine that content) and I think if he was watching that happen to someone else's children and enjoying it, going back repeatedly for more, and I had no idea that that was his thing he was into then how can I ever be really sure about what he's telling me now, and that he is safe to be around my little girl when he's been watching other men sexually assault little girls.
I couldn't get my head around it but would say over half of my decision was based on what do I want for my children and how will they view this situation when they are older.
This was a huge factor in my decision to leave too. I knew this would hang over us forever, that one day partners would have to be told, grandchildren might well be involved etc etc. My children still want to see their father and do see him, but I want it to be their choice. And their choice in the future how much they want to live with the consequences in their own lives. I couldn't unilaterally put this burden on their shoulders.
I'm relatively lucky in that my ex 'only' had a small number of deleted images in one file received on one date, so his claim not to have any sustained interest in children may well be true. I think I'd have seriously considered going NC otherwise. But even without that there turned out to be a very long history of offline / online cheating and voyeurism against me (thankfully only me!).
I'm relatively lucky in that my ex 'only' had a small number of deleted images in one file received on one date, so his claim not to have any sustained interest in children may well be true. I think I'd have seriously considered going NC otherwise. But even without that there turned out to be a very long history of offline / online cheating and voyeurism against me (thankfully only me!).
Thank you for your replies- knowing I'm not overthinking is helpful.
My OH had a handful of images that forensics proved had been immediately deleted and not accessed following unsolicited receipt of them via Telegram. No other evidence or concerns that he was engaged in worrying online activity. No search histories. SS have lifted restrictions and okayed contact. I just wonder if my daughter will one day understand and recognise these mitigated circumstances like I do as validation of his innocence. Some evil person sent those images with the intention of destroying lives and succeeded. (All these details have been confirmed by solicitors and police- it's not just me trusting him).
My OH had a handful of images that forensics proved had been immediately deleted and not accessed following unsolicited receipt of them via Telegram. No other evidence or concerns that he was engaged in worrying online activity. No search histories. SS have lifted restrictions and okayed contact. I just wonder if my daughter will one day understand and recognise these mitigated circumstances like I do as validation of his innocence. Some evil person sent those images with the intention of destroying lives and succeeded. (All these details have been confirmed by solicitors and police- it's not just me trusting him).
Trying to predict the future is exhausting as we consider lists of pros and cons, weighing up the options, thinking through all eventualities. Often we can’t know if there is a right answer let alone what it might be. If you voice your thoughts out loud or ask for an opinion you’ll hear from people who think they know what’s best for you or who have made a decision that works for them but that doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
I’ve by no means mastered this, but acknowledging that we can’t control the future can help us focus on the present and decisions that work for us and our loved ones right now. Rather than worry what your daughter might think in 20 years time, concentrate on what makes her feel safe, loved and happy now. Rather than worry about whether grandchildren will be able to visit in the future, encourage your person to do all he can to understand what led to the situation he found himself in in the first place and what he needs to do to ensure he’ll make better choices and decisions from now on.
As you move towards the future one step at a time you'll make the decisions you need to make for each new stage you arrive at.
I’ve by no means mastered this, but acknowledging that we can’t control the future can help us focus on the present and decisions that work for us and our loved ones right now. Rather than worry what your daughter might think in 20 years time, concentrate on what makes her feel safe, loved and happy now. Rather than worry about whether grandchildren will be able to visit in the future, encourage your person to do all he can to understand what led to the situation he found himself in in the first place and what he needs to do to ensure he’ll make better choices and decisions from now on.
As you move towards the future one step at a time you'll make the decisions you need to make for each new stage you arrive at.
Ocean,
Your words are perfectly written on how I now try to live my life.
Predicting the future- all we do is catastrophise. Some may happen, some may not, but we will deal with it when it comes. The Knock threw everything I thought I knew into the air and scattered it around me. But trying to put it back together is not all bad (althiugh there are times it is horrendous!)
For now, I try to live my best life as much as I can, taking every bit of happiness i can, because now is what matters.
We all wish we weren't in this situation. But we are. And only we get to make the decisions on what is right for us..
Sending love to all, whatever decisions you all make xx
Your words are perfectly written on how I now try to live my life.
Predicting the future- all we do is catastrophise. Some may happen, some may not, but we will deal with it when it comes. The Knock threw everything I thought I knew into the air and scattered it around me. But trying to put it back together is not all bad (althiugh there are times it is horrendous!)
For now, I try to live my best life as much as I can, taking every bit of happiness i can, because now is what matters.
We all wish we weren't in this situation. But we are. And only we get to make the decisions on what is right for us..
Sending love to all, whatever decisions you all make xx