I can be a protective Mum AND a supportive partner - the two can co exist !
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Just a vent really from another wife blindsided by their husband’s online actions, and then punished herself by the system for not leaving him.
I have done nothing to bring this chaos into our lives, my husband’s choices did that. But he is getting help for the unresolved trauma and addictions that lead him down the path of self-destruction. He is turning his life around, it’s actually quite remarkable to witness, he is like a completely different person now everything is out in the open after his arrest, like he’s been freed. He is on such a good/positive path now, and is reclaiming his life, and in some weird paradoxical way, despite being in the eye of the storm right now as we wait for him to be charged, and then the dreaded wait to find out his fate at sentencing, he is actually the best partner he has ever been to me. He’s authentic, he has integrity, he is motivated to becoming the best version of himself. It’s taken his life imploding and almost losing everything, but he’s really doing it, he’s making huge changes, and taking monumental strides forward in the right direction.
The choice to stay and show him understanding and compassion whilst in parallel managing my own heartache as I try to reconcile the life/person I thought I had/knew with the reality of what has transpired, wasn’t an easy one. But I said for better or worse, and this is definitely the worst, but we’re trying to work through it.
I am a great mum, my kids are thriving, they’re happy and content in life. Why is it that SS can’t understand that the two things can co-exist? Somebody can be a great mum, a protective mum, yet still want to keep their family together and support their offending partner. Having never had any involvement with child services before, since my husband’s arrest they have come in to my life like a wrecking ball, and they are breaking me bit by bit. I feel like the system is set up to tear families apart, not support them if they want to stay together. The frustration I feel that strangers can insert themselves into my life and cause so much chaos and upheaval is so overwhelming. Anything other than ‘of course I’m leaving him’ is taken as you’re not protecting your children, and they pile on the pressure, make life as difficult as possible for you to function as a family in the hope you leave the offending partner. Saying you truly don’t believe what he accessed online would ever result in anything transpiring in real life is seen as minimising and not protecting or prioritising your children. There is no weight given to the fact I know and love my children better than anyone, the fact I know my husband better then anyone, yet they decide they know more about your life, your family, than you do and impose all these restrictions on you that nobody wants.
It all feels so unfair, so judgemental, so disempowering and oppressive. You feel like a number, a file to be moved along as quickly as possible. They’re stretched, everyone knows that, so they put ticks in boxes, cover their backsides by taking a blanket approach, don’t listen to what the families involved actually want, and cause untold upheaval, distress and trauma. But as long as they hit their targets, and don’t leave themselves open.
I feel so sad, so frustrated, so hopeless. And things are only set to get worse before they get better as we still have the huge unknowns or sentencing, will it get out in the press, will he lose his job, and subsequently our home. So many potential life changing unknowns.
I miss the ‘normality’ that I once took for granted so badly.
I have done nothing to bring this chaos into our lives, my husband’s choices did that. But he is getting help for the unresolved trauma and addictions that lead him down the path of self-destruction. He is turning his life around, it’s actually quite remarkable to witness, he is like a completely different person now everything is out in the open after his arrest, like he’s been freed. He is on such a good/positive path now, and is reclaiming his life, and in some weird paradoxical way, despite being in the eye of the storm right now as we wait for him to be charged, and then the dreaded wait to find out his fate at sentencing, he is actually the best partner he has ever been to me. He’s authentic, he has integrity, he is motivated to becoming the best version of himself. It’s taken his life imploding and almost losing everything, but he’s really doing it, he’s making huge changes, and taking monumental strides forward in the right direction.
The choice to stay and show him understanding and compassion whilst in parallel managing my own heartache as I try to reconcile the life/person I thought I had/knew with the reality of what has transpired, wasn’t an easy one. But I said for better or worse, and this is definitely the worst, but we’re trying to work through it.
I am a great mum, my kids are thriving, they’re happy and content in life. Why is it that SS can’t understand that the two things can co-exist? Somebody can be a great mum, a protective mum, yet still want to keep their family together and support their offending partner. Having never had any involvement with child services before, since my husband’s arrest they have come in to my life like a wrecking ball, and they are breaking me bit by bit. I feel like the system is set up to tear families apart, not support them if they want to stay together. The frustration I feel that strangers can insert themselves into my life and cause so much chaos and upheaval is so overwhelming. Anything other than ‘of course I’m leaving him’ is taken as you’re not protecting your children, and they pile on the pressure, make life as difficult as possible for you to function as a family in the hope you leave the offending partner. Saying you truly don’t believe what he accessed online would ever result in anything transpiring in real life is seen as minimising and not protecting or prioritising your children. There is no weight given to the fact I know and love my children better than anyone, the fact I know my husband better then anyone, yet they decide they know more about your life, your family, than you do and impose all these restrictions on you that nobody wants.
It all feels so unfair, so judgemental, so disempowering and oppressive. You feel like a number, a file to be moved along as quickly as possible. They’re stretched, everyone knows that, so they put ticks in boxes, cover their backsides by taking a blanket approach, don’t listen to what the families involved actually want, and cause untold upheaval, distress and trauma. But as long as they hit their targets, and don’t leave themselves open.
I feel so sad, so frustrated, so hopeless. And things are only set to get worse before they get better as we still have the huge unknowns or sentencing, will it get out in the press, will he lose his job, and subsequently our home. So many potential life changing unknowns.
I miss the ‘normality’ that I once took for granted so badly.
Your words resonated with me so much. This is exactly how I feel too, and we're years into this nightmare.
I hope you all find your peace.
I hope you all find your peace.
Hiya just wanted to say im in the same boat, like me I'm sure you've worked so hard to keep your family whole and protect your kids, they treat me the same way said the other day they aren't concerned if if out my kids wellbeing above my relationship I've been broken. Reports all say he's thriving and happy :( and couldn't describe my husband any differently he's trying so hard and that's what made me stay, peoples convictions should be taken into account for the kids safety but not define them for life, they throw hurdles and hurdles at us, "concerns" magically appear all the time, one day perhaps they'll give up bullying and scrutinising us good people stay strong x
SW have an incredibly tough job and as happened time and time again a child has come to harm because nothing was done to protect them. In our cases SW have the information that this person has been viewing/communicating etc and therefore need to act upon that.
it always seem to be the same that the offender was in a bad place etc but is doing better but the SW needs to work on the fact that the person is a risk to children. SW know the offender has once before has kept a dark secret from their family and therefore could do it again.
SW need to weigh up the risks to a child and that's a big responsibility to have.
im not a social worker by the way just reading all the comments about how they are making life difficult just makes me think that in some way people are minimising what the person has done and placing the blame at the SW feet. if our partners never offended we wouldn't need a SW.
it always seem to be the same that the offender was in a bad place etc but is doing better but the SW needs to work on the fact that the person is a risk to children. SW know the offender has once before has kept a dark secret from their family and therefore could do it again.
SW need to weigh up the risks to a child and that's a big responsibility to have.
im not a social worker by the way just reading all the comments about how they are making life difficult just makes me think that in some way people are minimising what the person has done and placing the blame at the SW feet. if our partners never offended we wouldn't need a SW.
Whilst I agree that Social workers have an extremely difficult job in trying to manage risk of harm and will be hauled over the coals if they get it wrong. They also need to consider the risk of harm that their involvement will cause, something which it seems on here often fails to happen.
I have spoken with a number of people in my professional capacity who either were or still are under the care of children’s social services who feel that the social workers involvement has caused more harm to them than the risk (real or hypothetical) that SS were attempting to protect them from.
I have spoken with a number of people in my professional capacity who either were or still are under the care of children’s social services who feel that the social workers involvement has caused more harm to them than the risk (real or hypothetical) that SS were attempting to protect them from.
But SS wouldn't be in their life unless the partner offended. Having a SW is a big trauma on the partner and child's life but they are only there because someone broke the law and for safeguarding.
I guess I’m somewhat playing devils advocate here but are professionals safeguarding individuals if they end up harmed (physically or emotionally) as a result of interventions meant to safeguard them.
I think the offending partner is to blame for any harm. SWs, the police etc may well not be great (the OIC is my case is shocking), but I lay 100% of the blame for any trauma caused at my ex's door. I guess I also know that I just couldn't be a police officer or a social worker managing these cases - if I had to deal with these men and the details of their offending (descriptions of images etc) day in day out I'd be so disgusted and angry. And they are dealing with men who have proven formula for lying and secret keeping.
I think I should clarify that my comments are generalised about social services and safeguarding involvement sometimes resulting in more harm than good, both for children and vulnerable adults, and is not just aimed at those who are under SS due to someone else’s sexual offending, but people who have been referred to SS for a variety of different safeguarding concerns.
All I am saying is that like any form of intervention or treatment, safeguarding interventions are not benign actions and if poorly implemented can cause more issues that the hypothetical risk they are attempting to resolve.
All I am saying is that like any form of intervention or treatment, safeguarding interventions are not benign actions and if poorly implemented can cause more issues that the hypothetical risk they are attempting to resolve.