Still very raw from the situation
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There was a knock on the door yesterday morning at 5.50am. I thought it would be a neighbour to say they'd gone into our car or something along those lines but when I heard more voices downstairs I wasn't sure what was going on.
I heard the word arrested and my boyfriend of almost 8 years was the one they were saying it to.
At this point, I didn't know what it was for as I hadn't heard any of the conversation. He was then taken away and I had no idea what to think - all he said was that he messed up and he was sorry.
He came back a few hours later and explained he was being charged for saving indecent images. He said the images were fully clothed and he didn't think at the time of what he was doing but I was so shocked I just couldn't believe it.
I've always trusted him and it just seemed and still seems to surreal that this is something he has done. I don't know how to feel as I still love him so much but if he gets charged this could mess everything up we had planned for the future.
I thought this was the man I would get married to, have babies with and live a happy life. I've spoken to a friend who has been there to support me over the 24 hours but the instant judgement is so hard to deal with. She has supported but you can see it all over someone's face what they're thinking. It feels embarrassing that it's happening to us and I feel like I can't reach out to anyone else as everyone always assumes the absolute worst when they hear any phrases like that.
It's also a situation no one has ever gone through within my family friends etc so no one knows what to say or how to help as they can't do anything.
I feel like I need to make all these decisions now about whether I want to stay with him or not but it seems too early but I also fear the judgement from other people if I do decide to stay.
I also don't know if they will find anything further and if he's even telling me the truth at this point as they've taken all his devices to look for more evidence and I don't know how long everything is going to take.
I wanted to post on here to get advice or kind words as my mind can't switch off and I just don't know what to do.
I heard the word arrested and my boyfriend of almost 8 years was the one they were saying it to.
At this point, I didn't know what it was for as I hadn't heard any of the conversation. He was then taken away and I had no idea what to think - all he said was that he messed up and he was sorry.
He came back a few hours later and explained he was being charged for saving indecent images. He said the images were fully clothed and he didn't think at the time of what he was doing but I was so shocked I just couldn't believe it.
I've always trusted him and it just seemed and still seems to surreal that this is something he has done. I don't know how to feel as I still love him so much but if he gets charged this could mess everything up we had planned for the future.
I thought this was the man I would get married to, have babies with and live a happy life. I've spoken to a friend who has been there to support me over the 24 hours but the instant judgement is so hard to deal with. She has supported but you can see it all over someone's face what they're thinking. It feels embarrassing that it's happening to us and I feel like I can't reach out to anyone else as everyone always assumes the absolute worst when they hear any phrases like that.
It's also a situation no one has ever gone through within my family friends etc so no one knows what to say or how to help as they can't do anything.
I feel like I need to make all these decisions now about whether I want to stay with him or not but it seems too early but I also fear the judgement from other people if I do decide to stay.
I also don't know if they will find anything further and if he's even telling me the truth at this point as they've taken all his devices to look for more evidence and I don't know how long everything is going to take.
I wanted to post on here to get advice or kind words as my mind can't switch off and I just don't know what to do.
Hey,
I completely and utterly feel your pain. And I can't offer any advise as I've only just ended up in this situation myself but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you're feeling, the questions, the confusion, the worry over what's to come, your future, the judgement from others. It's tiring and emotionally exhausting but all I can advise is to take each day as it comes. Make decisions only when you're ready to and look after yourself and make sure you get as much support as you can, because this is such a traumatic thing to go through and your mental health is so important.
I'm 8 days into my partners arrest and I still feel numb. I can't put into words what's going through my head and I could never ever imagine the man I love, who I thought loved me, could do this to me and ruin everything we have. He was arrested for making indecent images of children. He's been very honest with me since and has told me about his porn addiction that lead to him finding it elsewhere, ending up in group chats in messaging apps where people are sending hundreds of images daily. He said he was never out to look for images of children and he has no sexual interest in them. He only ever saw them and moved on, but from what he's told me it's category A, B and C images. He felt obligated to do the same and send images too as everyone else was, so he'd click on thumbnails and press send, he didn't even look at what he was sending or what was automatically downloaded on his phone (according to him, and I'm still deciding if I believe that or not). I'm so angry, I feel like he's ruined everything and I can't comprehend how those images weren't enough to stop him.
I have no idea how to go from here. For the time being I'm still with him and I'm trying to support him as this has had a huge impact on his mental health and I'm scared for his life. I need to take each day as it comes and carefully decide if I can live with this, and him, and the inevitable changes to our future. We wanted children, to get married, to travel the world and that's going to be so much more difficult now.
I hope you're okay and you're getting all the support you need. We're completely innocent in this and we're not to blame for their actions.
I completely and utterly feel your pain. And I can't offer any advise as I've only just ended up in this situation myself but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you're feeling, the questions, the confusion, the worry over what's to come, your future, the judgement from others. It's tiring and emotionally exhausting but all I can advise is to take each day as it comes. Make decisions only when you're ready to and look after yourself and make sure you get as much support as you can, because this is such a traumatic thing to go through and your mental health is so important.
I'm 8 days into my partners arrest and I still feel numb. I can't put into words what's going through my head and I could never ever imagine the man I love, who I thought loved me, could do this to me and ruin everything we have. He was arrested for making indecent images of children. He's been very honest with me since and has told me about his porn addiction that lead to him finding it elsewhere, ending up in group chats in messaging apps where people are sending hundreds of images daily. He said he was never out to look for images of children and he has no sexual interest in them. He only ever saw them and moved on, but from what he's told me it's category A, B and C images. He felt obligated to do the same and send images too as everyone else was, so he'd click on thumbnails and press send, he didn't even look at what he was sending or what was automatically downloaded on his phone (according to him, and I'm still deciding if I believe that or not). I'm so angry, I feel like he's ruined everything and I can't comprehend how those images weren't enough to stop him.
I have no idea how to go from here. For the time being I'm still with him and I'm trying to support him as this has had a huge impact on his mental health and I'm scared for his life. I need to take each day as it comes and carefully decide if I can live with this, and him, and the inevitable changes to our future. We wanted children, to get married, to travel the world and that's going to be so much more difficult now.
I hope you're okay and you're getting all the support you need. We're completely innocent in this and we're not to blame for their actions.
So sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but you've made the first step by reaching out.
I think all of us will agree, now is not the time to be making any huge decisions.
Of course we can't say if your boyfriend is being totally honest with you but sadly, in a lot of cases they can minimise the situation. It may be he wants to protect you, or perhaps like my OH he had blocked it all out.
I will add that there are also plenty of people on here who's person is arrested and nothing is found.
So if you feel able, stay - you can change your mind at any time. Try and have a conversation with him
Yes - people can judge quite harshly as the subject is so emotive, but if you can confide in a trusted friend that's a good start. Reach out on this forum too - We've all had the 'knock' and we can all.empathise
Good luck xx
I think all of us will agree, now is not the time to be making any huge decisions.
Of course we can't say if your boyfriend is being totally honest with you but sadly, in a lot of cases they can minimise the situation. It may be he wants to protect you, or perhaps like my OH he had blocked it all out.
I will add that there are also plenty of people on here who's person is arrested and nothing is found.
So if you feel able, stay - you can change your mind at any time. Try and have a conversation with him
Yes - people can judge quite harshly as the subject is so emotive, but if you can confide in a trusted friend that's a good start. Reach out on this forum too - We've all had the 'knock' and we can all.empathise
Good luck xx
I'm feeling very similar to you. In my heart I want to believe that my husband is telling me the whole truth now, because he knows what he is going to lose if it isn't, but until we go to sentencing and the evidence is in front of me, I still have that hesitation.
For my situation, I have given him the benefit of the doubt, that I married him because of the man I know and not the choices he's made, and I want to stick by his side. If I find out at sentencing he has still not been honest with me after all the opportunities I've given him then I know there isn't any trust left and there isn't anything that can be rebuilt.
Don't make any rash decisions. For me it's been helpful to speak to his friends and family who love him as much as I do and are as conflicted as I am.
You need to work on your own mental health and support system before any decisions are made.
For my situation, I have given him the benefit of the doubt, that I married him because of the man I know and not the choices he's made, and I want to stick by his side. If I find out at sentencing he has still not been honest with me after all the opportunities I've given him then I know there isn't any trust left and there isn't anything that can be rebuilt.
Don't make any rash decisions. For me it's been helpful to speak to his friends and family who love him as much as I do and are as conflicted as I am.
You need to work on your own mental health and support system before any decisions are made.
You dont have to make a decision right now. You can take your time. Just communicate this to him this.
When youre ready sit down and have a chat. Find out exactly why. For me this helped me make my decision. I decided to stay.
I will say I made boundaries for the future right at the start. I told him if he ever re offended id leave. If it came to light that he had lied to me about what he had done id leave. As long as he sat and was honest id stay and help. We are 10 months in and he has been charged now.
When youre ready sit down and have a chat. Find out exactly why. For me this helped me make my decision. I decided to stay.
I will say I made boundaries for the future right at the start. I told him if he ever re offended id leave. If it came to light that he had lied to me about what he had done id leave. As long as he sat and was honest id stay and help. We are 10 months in and he has been charged now.
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In my case we had to separate immediately (children involved) and actually 2 years+ down the line I'm really relieved we did separate. It gave me time to think and to begin to build a life of my own and he's now my ex. TBH I'd always advise separating in this situation - it doesn't have to be final, but it gives you time to work through the situation. The wait for reliable information will be long! Get full disclosure from him with the police and with his solicitor when he gets one. Look out for bail paperwork, as that will give you more information. If he's bailed it will be renewed every three months and the police are obliged to send him their paperwork on it, which contains a short summary of their case for bail. I know this is hard, but please don't assume he's telling all or even most of the truth. The wait for that will be long - the forensics will be back be at least a year realistically. Ironically my ex was broadly telling the truth re images, but so much else came out that I in no way regret separating.
It's always the tip of the iceberg. Look after yourself.