How exactly did you disclose to family?
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I am an unbelievable 2 and a half years post the knock and only just got a court date which is 2 weeks away. I had a long chat with LF yesterday as my husband has not told anyone in the family yet.
But as the date gets close the risk of it being reported is real.
How exactly did anyone disclose? We are very stuck as one of our grown up children lives abroad so we can't get them together before the court date.
Did anyone tell family one at a time? And where, I feel if they are in their own home they are a bit trapped so couldn't leave if it was too much. If it was in our home which basically is where he committed the offences then that makes it worse. I am so stuck and my husband doesn't want to tell them at all hoping it won't be reported, did anyone risk that?
Sorry there are so many questions but I'm desperate for details of how people managed this horrible part of a truly horrible process
But as the date gets close the risk of it being reported is real.
How exactly did anyone disclose? We are very stuck as one of our grown up children lives abroad so we can't get them together before the court date.
Did anyone tell family one at a time? And where, I feel if they are in their own home they are a bit trapped so couldn't leave if it was too much. If it was in our home which basically is where he committed the offences then that makes it worse. I am so stuck and my husband doesn't want to tell them at all hoping it won't be reported, did anyone risk that?
Sorry there are so many questions but I'm desperate for details of how people managed this horrible part of a truly horrible process
Hello AnnP
Following my partners arrest he decided to disclose to his adult children individually. This was necessary as it was reported in the local press and our home address (apart from the house number) printed for anyone to read.
Following his disclosure all of his adult children decided to disown him and no contact has been made since. My partner regrets this stance but fully understands there reason's and is adjusting to this new situation.
Social media, Facebook and the UK data base site aggravated our situation resulting in my partner agreeing to meet all of my family in one sitting. He gave his side of the facts, the court result, his own family's reaction and the consequences of being a convicted sex offender with a SHPO etc.
My family were very supportive although weary of him visiting due to children being at home.
Following conviction he was reported in the national media and photographed. This resulted in our neighbours now ignoring us and I'm sure gossiping behind our back. Neither of these things trouble us... We have had no incidents of vigilante attacks and for that I am grateful.
My advice is to close any social media accounts... UK Data Base get great pleasure in uploading court details and then encourage their followers to retweet or post on other site's.
Best wishes...
Following my partners arrest he decided to disclose to his adult children individually. This was necessary as it was reported in the local press and our home address (apart from the house number) printed for anyone to read.
Following his disclosure all of his adult children decided to disown him and no contact has been made since. My partner regrets this stance but fully understands there reason's and is adjusting to this new situation.
Social media, Facebook and the UK data base site aggravated our situation resulting in my partner agreeing to meet all of my family in one sitting. He gave his side of the facts, the court result, his own family's reaction and the consequences of being a convicted sex offender with a SHPO etc.
My family were very supportive although weary of him visiting due to children being at home.
Following conviction he was reported in the national media and photographed. This resulted in our neighbours now ignoring us and I'm sure gossiping behind our back. Neither of these things trouble us... We have had no incidents of vigilante attacks and for that I am grateful.
My advice is to close any social media accounts... UK Data Base get great pleasure in uploading court details and then encourage their followers to retweet or post on other site's.
Best wishes...
Thank you snowdrop, that's really helpful. Not nice to contemplate but helpful to kniw how you tackled it x
Hi Snowdrop, I hope you don't mind me asking but what is life like with a husband on the sex offenders register? Does it make a massive impact on your life? Obviously I know it's not convenient but is it manageable? I'm still waiting on sentencing but the register is garanteed x
Hi confused...
The register has not impacted my life... We have been on holiday in the UK... my partner simply gave his probation officer the hotel address and the length of time away.
His suspended sentence ends this year and we're off to Turkey for a long deserved vacation and some hot sun. He's provided probation with the dates, flights and location.
As for the register my partner typed everything they require for registration on a A4 piece of paper... Address, passport number, NI number, credit card numbers, bank account details, bank card numbers, place of birth, date of birth, etc.
By doing this he simply folds it and puts in writing the heading SOR details, this allows him to simply hand it to the receptionist without speaking and being over heard by other in the same room. If they want to discuss things further the receptionist can then allow entry into the confidential meeting room which all designated police stations gave.
The pre printed list also assists the duty officer in completing his/hers paper work by using it has a crib sheet. It also speeds up the process which thankfully is only once a year....
Best wishes..
The register has not impacted my life... We have been on holiday in the UK... my partner simply gave his probation officer the hotel address and the length of time away.
His suspended sentence ends this year and we're off to Turkey for a long deserved vacation and some hot sun. He's provided probation with the dates, flights and location.
As for the register my partner typed everything they require for registration on a A4 piece of paper... Address, passport number, NI number, credit card numbers, bank account details, bank card numbers, place of birth, date of birth, etc.
By doing this he simply folds it and puts in writing the heading SOR details, this allows him to simply hand it to the receptionist without speaking and being over heard by other in the same room. If they want to discuss things further the receptionist can then allow entry into the confidential meeting room which all designated police stations gave.
The pre printed list also assists the duty officer in completing his/hers paper work by using it has a crib sheet. It also speeds up the process which thankfully is only once a year....
Best wishes..
We told all our close family and friends individually fairly early on, we were very lucky that they were all supportive (some found it more difficult than others), I told my work and a few colleagues, I informed the kids head teacher. I think in the beginning it was overwhelmingly difficult having to discuss it all so much but at the same time a great relief to not have to lie to anyone. My partner was charged with attempting a communication offence, I think living with someone on sor is harder when you have children. I think we have a fairly normal life, we still visit family and friends (but if there's kids there then they need to be told, so I'm glad they knew everything right from the start), we still go on holidays and do all the things we used to do. They only thing that's hard is he cant be left alone with kids so my freedom is restricted, we need to think about what we are doing, the kids dont have friends over, they can I just dont feel comfortable yet having kids over if their parents dont know. He cannot attend any kids clubs or school events anymore. It's a difficult decision who to tell and when, I think our family and friends would have been angry if they had found out later on or near court. Some we told together, others he told by himself or I told by myself. Hopefully you know your family and friends well and might be able to guess how they might react, some people need time to think, others want all the details, and some dont want to know anything at all. But I think if you intend to spend lots of time with them and they are important to you, dont let them find out from the newspaper or from someone else.
Thanks for that Maria, it's very helpful. We have left it late. I'm now thinking that he has just got to take responsibility for disclosure. Its actually making me feel angry with him, why should I have to agonise over something that is all his fault not mine. I hate feeling like such a victim.
And snowdrop thanks for your insight into life post conviction that's really helpful too. I wish I'd discovered thus forum a year ago. It's a life saver!
And snowdrop thanks for your insight into life post conviction that's really helpful too. I wish I'd discovered thus forum a year ago. It's a life saver!
Hi Ann P
My partner told his family and friends soon after the knock. I guess since his marriage fell apart as as a result and he moved back with family he had to explain why the drastic change in circumstances. Most of his family and friends are supportive, shocked ofc, and help Him try to livea normal life. He got help from LF to open up and I think that is key. From what I have seen quite a lot of people on the forum have had support from close ones.
It wasn't clear whether your partner may be facing a prison sentence. My partner hasn't disclosed to my family and tbh I plan to never tell them unless I have to. He did however write a letter to those who do not know just in case he was sent away. Thankfully in our case those letters were never sent.
A little bit about life post sentence. Your partner must make sure they understand their restrictions and any changes in circumstance they have to inform the police at a station Since it has to be in person. Also possible your partner will be allocated a probation officer. My partner needs to see his weekly and they have been as flexible as they can but can sometimes put a strain on his job (who do not know his conviction). Overall it hasn't affected us much. He was turned down for a job because of the conviction which was a shame but another one has come up without asking.
I wish you all the best for when you and your partner are ready to disclose to family.
My partner told his family and friends soon after the knock. I guess since his marriage fell apart as as a result and he moved back with family he had to explain why the drastic change in circumstances. Most of his family and friends are supportive, shocked ofc, and help Him try to livea normal life. He got help from LF to open up and I think that is key. From what I have seen quite a lot of people on the forum have had support from close ones.
It wasn't clear whether your partner may be facing a prison sentence. My partner hasn't disclosed to my family and tbh I plan to never tell them unless I have to. He did however write a letter to those who do not know just in case he was sent away. Thankfully in our case those letters were never sent.
A little bit about life post sentence. Your partner must make sure they understand their restrictions and any changes in circumstance they have to inform the police at a station Since it has to be in person. Also possible your partner will be allocated a probation officer. My partner needs to see his weekly and they have been as flexible as they can but can sometimes put a strain on his job (who do not know his conviction). Overall it hasn't affected us much. He was turned down for a job because of the conviction which was a shame but another one has come up without asking.
I wish you all the best for when you and your partner are ready to disclose to family.
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Hi Andrea, thanks for the advice. I feel he is responsible for disclosure too, I'm glad someone else felt the same. So far we are still together though there have been several times when I wanted to end it just so I didn't have to face the pain. But, you're right in saying even if no one knows I'd still have to explain a split anyway.
I do hope you are healing from this and feeling like things are improving for you x
I do hope you are healing from this and feeling like things are improving for you x
My husband doesn't speak to his family so there was no-one on that side to disclose to. We didn't tell my family until after sentencing as he doesn't really have a relationship with them.
I always planned to tell mine before we all started making plans for Christmas, but the police forced me to disclose in early Nov based on the age of my sisters kids. They said they may need to inform SS but to be fair, gave me a month to disclose myself. I told my step father first which was pretty hard. We decided that he would tell my mum as she has early onset dementia and so had no idea if she would take it all in. I don't think she did as at Christmas she asked if they would see him. My step dad told my sister that I needed to talk to her and then she rang me so she knew something was up. I was more concerned about SS getting involved with her by this point. It also didn't help that while I was driving to my parents to tell them I got a message confirming that it was local pub gossip. Pretty stressful weekend. I don't think SS ever contacted my sister as it was agreed by all that my husband would stay away while the kids are under 16. He's probably seen them a handful of times ever so it's not a big change for anyone.
I always planned to tell mine before we all started making plans for Christmas, but the police forced me to disclose in early Nov based on the age of my sisters kids. They said they may need to inform SS but to be fair, gave me a month to disclose myself. I told my step father first which was pretty hard. We decided that he would tell my mum as she has early onset dementia and so had no idea if she would take it all in. I don't think she did as at Christmas she asked if they would see him. My step dad told my sister that I needed to talk to her and then she rang me so she knew something was up. I was more concerned about SS getting involved with her by this point. It also didn't help that while I was driving to my parents to tell them I got a message confirming that it was local pub gossip. Pretty stressful weekend. I don't think SS ever contacted my sister as it was agreed by all that my husband would stay away while the kids are under 16. He's probably seen them a handful of times ever so it's not a big change for anyone.
Thanks mjl it's obviously never going to be easy. My husband can't bring himself to tell our (grown up) children and I think he should be responsible for telling them, but if he still won't in 2 weeks when we go to court for the Magistrates then I think I will have to in case it gets reported. I feel so angry that I might have to do this when he should.
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Telling your children before it goes to court seems sensible especially as reporters are not exactly known for accurate reporting. It does seem unfair that the responsibility fails into you. Perhaps you can persuade him to call the helpline for advice on how he can go about telling them.
Having had another conversation this morning he won't tell our grown up children. I have said that it's his responsibility and I won't do it. He has to handle the fallout if they find out. Exhausted.
What is it with these men? Due to the vigilante involvement my husband had to flee our home for both our sakes. In doing that he didn’t have to face up to anyone. I tried my best to get ahead of social media and gossips by calling and visiting all close friends and family as I wanted them to hear it from me.
I asked him to tell his family, he didn’t, so I had to tell everyone. I couldn’t give details, I don’t know them. So all I could say was that man that was trapped wasn’t the man I knew, as indeed he wasn’t the man they knew. A friend did the driving as I was totally unable to drive. It was an awful time, and equally awful for those that saw or heard me in my total shock and distress. In hindsight though, I feel it was the right thing to do. I’ve had some amazing support, and still do.
However, there are still some distant friends who still have no idea. And there are friends that want to support my husband too. But he won’t contact anybody yet. It’s now 6 months. I actually don’t want to tell anyone ever again....but I keep finding I have to! Distant friends phoning for a catch up, heartbreaking all over again. My pain, caused by his actions.
I think his avoidance of contact is part of the reason he finds himself in this position, not dealing with emotions and feelings very well. I thought he did, but now know he didn’t. I am disappointed that therapy hasn’t got him to the point of owning his behaviour and showing people he cares about them by making contact. Therapy seems to have helped him look forward and understand himself, that’s great, but he needs to understand everyone that is important in his life too and show that he really does care by talking to them. The longer that he leaves it, the harder it will be for others, as they must feel rejected as do I. Perhaps he will take the easy option and never return to any part of his old life....
I’ve given him another 2 weeks to sort himself out. I need to have full disclosure in this time, and I need to see him reaching out to others. To demonstrate that he actually does care, as he says he does. If not, it shows me he is a very selfish man. Not the man I thought he was.
In any event, I can’t see our relationship ever recovering from this. That makes me very sad. How could I have wasted all my adult life on this man who has put me through absolute hell, I have been researching and searching through anything to try and make sense of this horrid world that wasn’t on my radar. I am putting in lots of effort in trying to understand him. But he seems to be stuck in selfish mode. All the experts are concerned that he may commit suicide, so it’s all about his needs, no-one else’s.
I feel feel stupid and used a lot of the time. I know by what I’m reading that I shouldn’t. But that doesn’t stop the feelings.
I asked him to tell his family, he didn’t, so I had to tell everyone. I couldn’t give details, I don’t know them. So all I could say was that man that was trapped wasn’t the man I knew, as indeed he wasn’t the man they knew. A friend did the driving as I was totally unable to drive. It was an awful time, and equally awful for those that saw or heard me in my total shock and distress. In hindsight though, I feel it was the right thing to do. I’ve had some amazing support, and still do.
However, there are still some distant friends who still have no idea. And there are friends that want to support my husband too. But he won’t contact anybody yet. It’s now 6 months. I actually don’t want to tell anyone ever again....but I keep finding I have to! Distant friends phoning for a catch up, heartbreaking all over again. My pain, caused by his actions.
I think his avoidance of contact is part of the reason he finds himself in this position, not dealing with emotions and feelings very well. I thought he did, but now know he didn’t. I am disappointed that therapy hasn’t got him to the point of owning his behaviour and showing people he cares about them by making contact. Therapy seems to have helped him look forward and understand himself, that’s great, but he needs to understand everyone that is important in his life too and show that he really does care by talking to them. The longer that he leaves it, the harder it will be for others, as they must feel rejected as do I. Perhaps he will take the easy option and never return to any part of his old life....
I’ve given him another 2 weeks to sort himself out. I need to have full disclosure in this time, and I need to see him reaching out to others. To demonstrate that he actually does care, as he says he does. If not, it shows me he is a very selfish man. Not the man I thought he was.
In any event, I can’t see our relationship ever recovering from this. That makes me very sad. How could I have wasted all my adult life on this man who has put me through absolute hell, I have been researching and searching through anything to try and make sense of this horrid world that wasn’t on my radar. I am putting in lots of effort in trying to understand him. But he seems to be stuck in selfish mode. All the experts are concerned that he may commit suicide, so it’s all about his needs, no-one else’s.
I feel feel stupid and used a lot of the time. I know by what I’m reading that I shouldn’t. But that doesn’t stop the feelings.
Tabs thank you for sharing. I'm really starting to resent being the victim. I've cried so much over the last 4 years, as he attempted suicide in 2016 which is when it began to come out. But I'm tired of being the one in pain, tired of feeling weak and hopeless. I said this morning I'm done with tears and now I'm getting hard, developing a thick skin as ill need it as this goes through the legal process. It's utter crap and so unfair that we should have to deal with I. And like you, I tell myself he is mentally ill, he was in the metal hospital for 3 weeks and they don't keep you unless that have to. So I know he's ill bit it doesn't make it better for me.
Sorry lots of typos! The mental health unit I should have put.