Scared and unsure
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Please bare with me as this is a long one. I met my person through close friends. He was sentenced to 12 months in prison and served six. He was released and has a PO. he was given 10 years on the SOR and also a SHPO of 10 years. He has a mosovo officer as well. He was talking to a child aged 14 online and exchanged pictures and videos. He pled guilty despite maintaining his innocence due to his ex partner being due to give birth and on the advice of his solicitor as they didn't believe he would serve prison time as nothing was actually found on his device and it was a shared device with his ex partner. He previously on the Claire's law has issues of domestic violence and 2 accusations of rape which were unfounded all from when he was younger over 12 years ago. He has never been convicted of these offences. I'm not defending him when he told me I was appalled and horrified. He has been trying to turn his life around but his PO and mosovo officer are failing to support him and have so far not offered him any courses despite him asking repeatedly. He has split personality disorder, ptsd from serving in the army for 12 years and mental health. He recently had his phone checked as part of his SHPO and it was kept for 4 weeks. In this time they never checked on him for his mental health he saw his PO but she cancelled twice due to illness. He never saw his Mosovo officer till he returned his phone. We are having to fund the inform+ course ourselves. We had SS involved as I have 2 children aged 18 and 3 my youngest is awaiting neurodiverse assessment. The SS informed me he was high risk and my daughter was at high risk of sexual physical and emotional harm by my partner and instructed to end our relationship. I was told if I resumed the relationship there would be a section 47 and they would look to remove my daughter and there would never be any direct or indirect contact between my ex partner and my daughter. We were working so hard to show them our commitment we completed a support plan of our own backs and funding the inform+ course and searching for safeguarding courses etc for myself. I have ended the relationship as I was basically threatened with removal of my daughter if I didn't. We have agreed to stay friends and I am continuing to support him with the course funding and also with sourcing courses via the Lucy faithful foundation and SARs requests since he is getting nowhere with his PO and Mosovo officer. He is on license till January. We both obviously still have feelings and we are wondering what a future could look like if we could get his risk lowered. He has stated he has never felt so supported loved and wanted as he does with me and he is honestly incredible with me caring supportive and always there. I know most people would say run a mile but I can't. There is something there between us and he has become my best friend. I don't want to give up on the idea of a future but it's terrifying me as to what SS can do and also what our life would be like.
I'm going to be completely honest with you, reading this as an outsider there are so many red flags. I don't believe he has been honest with you about his offending or his past. He sounds more in denial than actively trying to turn his life around. I know that you want him to turn things around and want his risk lowered so that you can be together but he is the one who has to put effort into sourcing courses that are appropriate for him. It's part of taking accountability. If he felt the same way about you as you do about him then he wouldn't want you to be involved in all of this. He appears to be love bombing you and relying on you too much. Unfortunately while you taking his version of events as truth you are vulnerable and that leaves your child vulnerable in the eyes of ss.
Was he ordered to complete the horizon course as part of sentencing? This is generally the course that probation would be able to organise. Does he see his child from his previous relationship? What do probation, mosovo and ss say about him being involved in their life? How long ago was he sentenced? What are the terms of his SHPO? What help has he tried to access for his mental health issues? xxx
Was he ordered to complete the horizon course as part of sentencing? This is generally the course that probation would be able to organise. Does he see his child from his previous relationship? What do probation, mosovo and ss say about him being involved in their life? How long ago was he sentenced? What are the terms of his SHPO? What help has he tried to access for his mental health issues? xxx
I have always been honest with him and he knows I don't take things at face value. I believe I have been fully informed by everyone involved so it's not I take his word and believe everything he has said I believe everything I have been told through Claire's Law and the officers involved with him. The Claire's law stated his only conviction was this sexual offence and that everything on there was allegations from his previous relationship and the last allegation was made in 2013. I was aware of his past marriage and he was open with me saying it was extremely volatile on both parts and family and friends have confirmed they were extremely toxic together but kept going back to each other despite social services and police saying they were better apart.
He wasn't given the horizon course. His license ends January. He has been sourcing courses he went to probation with the list of them and they said they couldn't put him on the courses as he doesn't register as a high enough risk on probation paperwork for them so he needs to see his mosovo officer but he lacks trust and faith in him as even when I've been there his mosovo officer has brushed it off and said he will look into things and in 4.5 months hasn't done a thing. He has contacted inform plus but it's the cost as it's over £1000 as he would need 1-1and he cannot work due to his mental and physical health. He has reached out to mind and has also had help from the Samaritans and also help through army veterans for his ptsd. He has started new medication and is doing better on it. While he was in prison his children were in Pre court proceedings upon his release he has contacted social services as he wishes to be apart of their lives but their mum is adamant he isn't to be and has said she wouldn't even allow supervised visits so he is going to have a risk assessment done. Prior to this he was having supervised contact with them as requested by their mum then she moved and stopped him seeing the children in 2020. He feels no one wants to help him or believes he can turn his life around. It isn't all me he is trying and is in contact with the Lucy faithful foundation and stop it now . Everything I know was confirmed by a Claire's Law and his Mosovo Officer so I am fully aware of his past. His SHPO is he cannot stay in a residence with someone under 18 for over 12 hours without letting them know, he must inform them of a relationship as soon as possible if children are involved ( which he did) if he is in a relationship with someone with children under 16 it has to be with approval from social services and his mosovo officer( his mosovo officer and probation approved of our relationship but social didn't) , if he is to be around children under 16 the parents must know of his conviction and his SHPO and be ok with it, he cannot form a relationship and have social media contact, mobile number etc of someone under 16. I know people will think I'm fighting a losing battle but I truly believe him when he says he wants to be a better person and he isn't just doing this for me as he was asking for help way before I came on the scene I have a bit more knowledge of things and was helping him on a friendship level before we developed into a relationship.
he was sentenced December 2024 and released 4th July 2025 xxx
He wasn't given the horizon course. His license ends January. He has been sourcing courses he went to probation with the list of them and they said they couldn't put him on the courses as he doesn't register as a high enough risk on probation paperwork for them so he needs to see his mosovo officer but he lacks trust and faith in him as even when I've been there his mosovo officer has brushed it off and said he will look into things and in 4.5 months hasn't done a thing. He has contacted inform plus but it's the cost as it's over £1000 as he would need 1-1and he cannot work due to his mental and physical health. He has reached out to mind and has also had help from the Samaritans and also help through army veterans for his ptsd. He has started new medication and is doing better on it. While he was in prison his children were in Pre court proceedings upon his release he has contacted social services as he wishes to be apart of their lives but their mum is adamant he isn't to be and has said she wouldn't even allow supervised visits so he is going to have a risk assessment done. Prior to this he was having supervised contact with them as requested by their mum then she moved and stopped him seeing the children in 2020. He feels no one wants to help him or believes he can turn his life around. It isn't all me he is trying and is in contact with the Lucy faithful foundation and stop it now . Everything I know was confirmed by a Claire's Law and his Mosovo Officer so I am fully aware of his past. His SHPO is he cannot stay in a residence with someone under 18 for over 12 hours without letting them know, he must inform them of a relationship as soon as possible if children are involved ( which he did) if he is in a relationship with someone with children under 16 it has to be with approval from social services and his mosovo officer( his mosovo officer and probation approved of our relationship but social didn't) , if he is to be around children under 16 the parents must know of his conviction and his SHPO and be ok with it, he cannot form a relationship and have social media contact, mobile number etc of someone under 16. I know people will think I'm fighting a losing battle but I truly believe him when he says he wants to be a better person and he isn't just doing this for me as he was asking for help way before I came on the scene I have a bit more knowledge of things and was helping him on a friendship level before we developed into a relationship.
he was sentenced December 2024 and released 4th July 2025 xxx
When did he plead guilty due to his ex partner being about to give birth? I don't understand why his children were in pre proceedings whilst he was in prison if their mom stopped contact in 2020. Did your relationship begin before sentencing or post release? I know the LFF course is expensive but my partner did it and found it very helpful. I think the main things that raised alarm bells for me were that he maintains his innocence (if he doesn't think he did anything wrong then whatever courses etc he does won't actually have an impact on him because he doesn't believe he needs that kind of support) and the way you described that he states he has never felt as loved, supported or wanted as he does with you. As someone who recognises the way I used to be in relationships of almost looking for someone I could help rather than someone who was already on the same level of growth as me I felt like perhaps you were sacrificing your own happiness to almost take on a project. I can't think of a better way to word it but I don't mean it in a cold way and it might not be something that you can relate to at all xxx
They were in pre proceedings due to issues at home with mom. I met him a week after he was released. We were introduced by his brother. He was very burnt as he had met someone in 2021 began a relationship and she fell pregnant when this happened. She gave birth the day he was in court. He was advised by his solicitor to plead guilty and would expect community service SHPO and SOR but he got 12 months. She stood by him initially then went incognito in May. He doesn't know where she is she moved and took his youngest child. We have since found out she had met someone before the birth and was having an affair. They had no involvement in the their relationship from SS. He admitted to what he had done and took ownership of it in August. We had a quite an argument over it about honesty. He said he didn't know how to tell me the truth as he didn't think anything was going to happen between us. We took a step back had a break decided now I knew the truth and everything had come out in that conversation we would take it slowly and see how things went. We told his officer's his Mosovo officer confirmed he had been honest and I wasn't missing any details and who then informed social who contacted me on my birthday. Prior to social telling me to end the relationship we had discussed about funding the inform plus course after he informed me he wanted to do it and needed the help from professionals and I said I would help a long with his brother and parents. I'm not a person who takes on people to "fix them" I have enough drama within my family. I don't deal with relationships like that people who need fixing aren't my type I tend to run the opposite mile. There is something about him I can't put my finger on. He makes me feel genuinely safe and settled when I'm with him. We talk and neither of us are exactly young. We talk about anything and everything. We are comfortable in the same space and that's why we got on so well as friends just as we are back to being now. There is no sexual relationship anymore. I just genuinely feel a better person too around him. We clicked as soon as we met. He has a good support network now he has taken accountability of what he has done and how his actions have led to how he now has to live his life and the consequences of what he did. I have never undermined or denied the severity of what he did. It is always there for me and I believe it always will be. I have support around me and I have people to talk to as well. I have never had any prior involvement to social services but in my former career I worked along side them in education. I know how things are perceived with what's written in black and white and I know how people are judged for it and are deemed forever that person no one believes they can rehabilitate or change or want too. Even without me he wants all that. He's not doing it for me. My question was what would my future look like if I reconciled with him at any point and his risk was lower? It's a question that's popped into my head and I was encouraged to use this forum to see if anyone had ever any experience of this. It may never happen his risk may never be lowered but either way I will always remain as a friend for him. In a world of people so quick to write each other off I just hope there's a glimmer of hope for him.
What is his current risk level with probation? Did ss give the exact reasoning behind them assessing your daughter to be at risk of significant harm if you continue the relationship? Children that are not biologically the offenders are generally classed to be at higher risk than biological children. At 3 your daughter is too young to do much work with around being safe, this obviously changes as she gets older but with that being said she will then be closer in age to the age of the victim so depending on what work he has done on himself in the time in between he may still be considered high risk to her with ss.
You do need to be prepared for a long road with ss if you choose to reconcile the relationship. Not just due to his offending but also the previous domestic abuse allegations. They work on the probability of risk and to be honest you'd find it hard to get them to fund an independent risk assessment in a case like this where he hasn't got an established bond with your daughter due to your relationship being so early on.
There is hope for him in terms of rehabilitation and getting the help he needs for his mental health but for your relationship I suppose that depends on the level of support you have with childcare as your daughter will need to be kept separate for the time that you establish a relationship, do the individual work needed (courses, mental health support, research around risk and safeguarding etc) and then once you're satisfied that it is worth going through the assessments with ss you'd have to keep them separate for that too xxx
You do need to be prepared for a long road with ss if you choose to reconcile the relationship. Not just due to his offending but also the previous domestic abuse allegations. They work on the probability of risk and to be honest you'd find it hard to get them to fund an independent risk assessment in a case like this where he hasn't got an established bond with your daughter due to your relationship being so early on.
There is hope for him in terms of rehabilitation and getting the help he needs for his mental health but for your relationship I suppose that depends on the level of support you have with childcare as your daughter will need to be kept separate for the time that you establish a relationship, do the individual work needed (courses, mental health support, research around risk and safeguarding etc) and then once you're satisfied that it is worth going through the assessments with ss you'd have to keep them separate for that too xxx
His current risk level with probation is high but his PO said he doesn't qualify for the courses he has approached them for which is on the gov probation approved courses which include the domestic violence course and sex offender courses. This is what confuses both of us. I have already completed the LFF inform course and I have previous safeguarding training from working in education as well. We had also done a LFF safety family plan but this was overlooked. The SS never said why my daughter would be high risk to harm all it says on the report is due to his past and current offence. They did say if we were to resume the relationship a section 47? Would be done and they would advise no direct or indirect contact with her.
my daughter is with her bio dad every other weekend and 2 afternoons after nursery in the week. This was how we were managing to see each other. I just feel he is being let down by his PO and MO as there are so many courses available but he is met with a brick wall and I have seen it when I have attended his PO meetings which was agreed due to his mental health at the time but then his MO said it wasn't allowed so it was a case of me waiting for him after to witness him breaking down in the car over why no one is willing to help him and how they are writing him off. We have spoken this evening and he is going to contact LFF about the inform plus course and do it as soon as it can be arranged thank you for your input I appreciate it and sorry it's been so long winded it's not as simple as I wish it was xxx
my daughter is with her bio dad every other weekend and 2 afternoons after nursery in the week. This was how we were managing to see each other. I just feel he is being let down by his PO and MO as there are so many courses available but he is met with a brick wall and I have seen it when I have attended his PO meetings which was agreed due to his mental health at the time but then his MO said it wasn't allowed so it was a case of me waiting for him after to witness him breaking down in the car over why no one is willing to help him and how they are writing him off. We have spoken this evening and he is going to contact LFF about the inform plus course and do it as soon as it can be arranged thank you for your input I appreciate it and sorry it's been so long winded it's not as simple as I wish it was xxx
I must admit I'm with Distressed & Pregnant on this. His past history, SS involvement, his pretty severe MH issues etc sound like an awful lot to take on when you already have a 3yo waiting for assessment. If your daughter came to you with all this as an adult, what would you honestly advise her to do?
I also agree with distressed and pregnants reply. If you look objectively at the evidence you have he is very high risk, whether he was convicted of the rape/domestic violence or not, along with the IIOC convication and subsequent custody (suggesting a potentially high level of offending) it creates a picture of a pattern of violent, abusive and sexually deviant behaviour. Offenders in this category are often able to emotionally manipulate partners in relationships in a quite sophisticated way, offering the perfect partner, love, stability etc. because they can see that may be what you lacked in other partners or are now seeking, once you are committed this behaviour will gradually an subtly become controlling etc. often the first step in this process is creating a picture that the offender is a helpless victim of circumstance 'i had a crazy ex' 'she lied and they believed her because she looked like a vulnerable woman' 'i didn't know it was a child' 'i only plead guilty because I had to, to help out my partner at the time' 'i want to change but nobodies helping me' 'the child egged me on/engaged in the conversations, sought me out' 'it was an accident' 'my partner also had access to the phone it could have been her' and then they might suggest that they just can't afford things like courses and you feel so bad that they have been treated so unfairly when clearly they are such a good person (due to the love bombing) that you begin financially supporting them.... And so on ...
Children with disabilities are far more likely statistically to be sexually or physically abused and represent a particularly vulnerable demographic as they are often have a limited ability to communicate and/or a limited understanding of communication/social situations.
Ultimatley social services will look at this as, if you continue this relationship you are prioritising him over your children's safety. Whilst I would never say that having a mental illness is a person's fault or makes them a bad parent/person, social services will view both PTSD and split personality as potentially increasing the risk to the child as behaviour can be both unpredictable and extreme with little ability to reason about right and wrong when in crisis.
In my opinion, this is a dead end, there is very little you can do that would balance out the severity of his past patterns of behaviour or reported past patterns of behaviour.
Children with disabilities are far more likely statistically to be sexually or physically abused and represent a particularly vulnerable demographic as they are often have a limited ability to communicate and/or a limited understanding of communication/social situations.
Ultimatley social services will look at this as, if you continue this relationship you are prioritising him over your children's safety. Whilst I would never say that having a mental illness is a person's fault or makes them a bad parent/person, social services will view both PTSD and split personality as potentially increasing the risk to the child as behaviour can be both unpredictable and extreme with little ability to reason about right and wrong when in crisis.
In my opinion, this is a dead end, there is very little you can do that would balance out the severity of his past patterns of behaviour or reported past patterns of behaviour.