Feeling lost today
Notifications OFF
Do you ever get past the point of being terrified and on edge every second of the day? I keep thinking it must get a little better but its been over a year now and it still feels so raw. I still cry most days at the life I feel is now completely gone, relationships are strained with everyone and I'm not sure if I can get them back, I have no friends anymore because I've completely isolated myself in a desperate attempt to somehow protect us. I don't trust anybody, in the back of my mind everyone's lying which is a horrible feeling, I feel like I need to monitor everyone because I'm terrified of what if it happens again with the same person or a different family member in my mind nobody is safe, I have no logical reason for thinking this but at the minute all logic seems to have dissappeared.
I feel like I've got to think of every outcome and eventuality to everyones decisions, the simplest decision can send me into a complete spiral because I've thought of a hundred worst case scenarios. I'm mentally and physically exhausted to the point I've got to admit I look and feel ill.
I'm terrified I'm going to loose my job if they find out (I'm terrified I'm going to loose my job even if they don't find out), how are we going to cope financially if I loose my job and would I be able to get another job because I've only ever worked in education admin I know nothing else, at the minute work is the only stable thing that keeps me distracted and I have no idea how I'd cope without it. I either can't sleep or sleep too much and have nightmares. My boss approached me last week and suggested I speak to the doctor because I'm obviously not myself. I try so hard not to let the mask slip at work but admit sometimes it does and I can get emotional over the stupidest little things or get snappy at people when I really don't mean to. I've said I'll speak to a doctor but again this terrifies me for so many reasons, I know I can't go.
I'm sorry for the stupidly long message that probably makes no sense but I just want someone to tell me its going to be ok and I'm going to make it through because at the minute I'm struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying just to make it to the end of the year hoping and praying next year will be better but knowing its not going to be, if anything if could end up being 100 times worse.
The only positive in all this is I think I've become the least judgemental and most sympathetic person ever to people who are struggling because I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone. X
I feel like I've got to think of every outcome and eventuality to everyones decisions, the simplest decision can send me into a complete spiral because I've thought of a hundred worst case scenarios. I'm mentally and physically exhausted to the point I've got to admit I look and feel ill.
I'm terrified I'm going to loose my job if they find out (I'm terrified I'm going to loose my job even if they don't find out), how are we going to cope financially if I loose my job and would I be able to get another job because I've only ever worked in education admin I know nothing else, at the minute work is the only stable thing that keeps me distracted and I have no idea how I'd cope without it. I either can't sleep or sleep too much and have nightmares. My boss approached me last week and suggested I speak to the doctor because I'm obviously not myself. I try so hard not to let the mask slip at work but admit sometimes it does and I can get emotional over the stupidest little things or get snappy at people when I really don't mean to. I've said I'll speak to a doctor but again this terrifies me for so many reasons, I know I can't go.
I'm sorry for the stupidly long message that probably makes no sense but I just want someone to tell me its going to be ok and I'm going to make it through because at the minute I'm struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying just to make it to the end of the year hoping and praying next year will be better but knowing its not going to be, if anything if could end up being 100 times worse.
The only positive in all this is I think I've become the least judgemental and most sympathetic person ever to people who are struggling because I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone. X
Sending hugs. I have no idea wether things start to feel better but your feelings are completely valid. The fear of having to ever explain this situation outside of the small circle of people very close who I told while it was raw terrifies me.
Lost mum. Can u give samaritans a call?.they absolutely won't judge or condemn, and u will b completely anonymous. You deserve help and support too, not just the offender.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I'm only a week in to this nightmare and I'm feeling already tasked with this horrendous nightmare of a situation.
I'm no professional but it sounds you're struggling with anxiety, where you've mentioned the constant fear of what's next, or what's coming in the future.
You mentioned you can't speak to a doctor, why is that? They are really good at signposting you in the right direction, even just to some online resources.
Sounds like you're already fighting enough, don't let anxiety beat you too. There's things you can do to get through this.
Big hugs
I'm no professional but it sounds you're struggling with anxiety, where you've mentioned the constant fear of what's next, or what's coming in the future.
You mentioned you can't speak to a doctor, why is that? They are really good at signposting you in the right direction, even just to some online resources.
Sounds like you're already fighting enough, don't let anxiety beat you too. There's things you can do to get through this.
Big hugs
I think we've all felt what your feeling at some point on this horrid journey there's not much I can say to make you feel better right now but I felt everything your feeling now thoughts I never wanted to have or even think of I was so low I called the samaratins a few times I also wished I had called stop so, because I left that until sentencing and I wished I had done it before the lady was so professional understanding and amazing, we've been through he'll and back as a family but any positive I can give u is I still have great friends , some great family small but better , you can always private mail me if u need a chat xx
I totally understand . I am like that most days too, today was a particulaly bad day and i have been crying on and off for most of it. Cant tell my boss the reason but they have been very good and let me go to a space on my own today to work. Like you i feel like next year could be worse , its just a ticking timebomb. Hugs to you x
Thank you everyone, sorry for such a down post yesterday, I need to try and stop feeling sorry for myself especially when I read stories on here of others who are going through so much more than me. You are all such strong people!
mum1982H I hope things start to get better for you soon, I often play out what I'd say and how I'd explain it to people if it comes out, I agree its such a terrifying thought. Sending hugs back x
6789 I have though about the Samaritans but I'm not brave enough to speak to anyone. I wonder if they'd think why am I ringing them when there are others who need their services so much more. I have spent many a night on their website on the self help pages x
BrokenWife I'm so sorry you have found yourself here too, I remember the early days well its such a whirlwind of every emotion, sending you hugs. I do feel like I'm suffering with anxiety but just don't feel like I'm ready to admit it to someone like a Dr. I keep thinking they'll add something to my records that would make its way to social services and they'd hold it against me.I know some of the people who work in the surgery too and if they saw it in my record I'd be in constant fear that again everyone would find out. It adds to my anxiety just thinking about the what ifs of talking to a doctor x
Sadso when I read posts like yours it does give me a little hope that maybe we will be ok, I hate to think of others having these horrible feelings but it does make me feel less lonely that others have been there and especially that they have come out of the other side. I have rang stopso once and the lady I spoke to was so lovely even though I basically just cried at her she just sat there with me until I was ready to speak. I'm really glad you have a number of supportive friends and family around you and I'm also so happy that you've managed to come out of the other side of the hell. The not knowing is torture but I'm also terrified of getting that call saying he's getting changed or it's going to court. Thank you for the offer to message I really appreciate it x
Jam Doughnuts Sending hugs, the days where you just want to cry all day are so hard, these are definitely less now but I still have them. I'm so sorry you are going through this and you have had a rubbish day. Like you I haven't yet told work but they know I'm struggling and just not myself, she said today that she hasn't seen me smile or heard me laugh in so long and when I thought about it I realised I dont think I've laughed since we got the knock its like all the happiness has just dissappeared, I really hope that it eventually comes back. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you x
mum1982H I hope things start to get better for you soon, I often play out what I'd say and how I'd explain it to people if it comes out, I agree its such a terrifying thought. Sending hugs back x
6789 I have though about the Samaritans but I'm not brave enough to speak to anyone. I wonder if they'd think why am I ringing them when there are others who need their services so much more. I have spent many a night on their website on the self help pages x
BrokenWife I'm so sorry you have found yourself here too, I remember the early days well its such a whirlwind of every emotion, sending you hugs. I do feel like I'm suffering with anxiety but just don't feel like I'm ready to admit it to someone like a Dr. I keep thinking they'll add something to my records that would make its way to social services and they'd hold it against me.I know some of the people who work in the surgery too and if they saw it in my record I'd be in constant fear that again everyone would find out. It adds to my anxiety just thinking about the what ifs of talking to a doctor x
Sadso when I read posts like yours it does give me a little hope that maybe we will be ok, I hate to think of others having these horrible feelings but it does make me feel less lonely that others have been there and especially that they have come out of the other side. I have rang stopso once and the lady I spoke to was so lovely even though I basically just cried at her she just sat there with me until I was ready to speak. I'm really glad you have a number of supportive friends and family around you and I'm also so happy that you've managed to come out of the other side of the hell. The not knowing is torture but I'm also terrified of getting that call saying he's getting changed or it's going to court. Thank you for the offer to message I really appreciate it x
Jam Doughnuts Sending hugs, the days where you just want to cry all day are so hard, these are definitely less now but I still have them. I'm so sorry you are going through this and you have had a rubbish day. Like you I haven't yet told work but they know I'm struggling and just not myself, she said today that she hasn't seen me smile or heard me laugh in so long and when I thought about it I realised I dont think I've laughed since we got the knock its like all the happiness has just dissappeared, I really hope that it eventually comes back. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you x
Hi Lostmum1,
I just wanted to reassure you that, in time, things do start to feel a little easier. The constant fear and tension you’re feeling right now won’t last forever. Gradually, there will be moments when it’s not on your mind every second of the day, and you’ll find yourself able to think about other things.
For us, it’s been four years since my son was arrested and two years since his sentencing. For me, it was only after we’d gone through that stage — once the things I had feared had actually happened — that I slowly began to heal.
I still remember the first time I caught myself singing along to a Christmas song in a shop and realised that the heaviness had lifted, even just a little. I remember going for a walk and truly noticing the scenery again, and later joining a mental health and wellbeing group where I could finally open up about my son.
It’s a long and difficult journey, but it does become gentler with time. The sadness and anxiety may never disappear completely, but you’ll find yourself laughing again, spending time with friends, and enjoying small moments once more.
For now, be kind to yourself. Accept any help that’s offered, and try to find someone you trust to talk things through with. You don’t have to carry it all alone.
You really aren't alone.
Just to give your brain some reassurance. Im assuming youre worrying about your DBS. DBS only looks at you and no one else. Unless you do a job like I used to do which I had to give them a list of everyone close to me and they did police background check on everyone. So unless you have to do that which you wouldnt for a school it won't show up. And my last job was pretty good about convictions. You just had to tell them before hand and what your interaction with that person was. Its the only time ive ever had to do that kind of DBS ive probably had over 100 done by now.
It does get easier to trust people again. Its baby steps.
Just to give your brain some reassurance. Im assuming youre worrying about your DBS. DBS only looks at you and no one else. Unless you do a job like I used to do which I had to give them a list of everyone close to me and they did police background check on everyone. So unless you have to do that which you wouldnt for a school it won't show up. And my last job was pretty good about convictions. You just had to tell them before hand and what your interaction with that person was. Its the only time ive ever had to do that kind of DBS ive probably had over 100 done by now.
It does get easier to trust people again. Its baby steps.
Thank you everyone x
Lost mum. Samaritans will not make any judgement about you at all. They will listen to you, and honestly, you may find that helpful. You truly have nothing to lose, and you may feel better after speaking to them. Go on! I dare ya!