Advice on rebuilding trust
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Hi everyone,
So, background info, the story sounds similar to a lot of other people's. My partner of six years is currently waiting for the court date on (likely) charges of possession- he went down the common route of porn addiction, moving on to more extreme material, until it eventually caught up with him. Luckily he was able to pay for a good solicitor and, since the knock, has been in therapy and had the full psychiatric evaluation, the outcome of which has been very positive for him (he's not interested in children, but was coping with his problems in a self destructive way).
But I've just been sort of... left to deal with it. He's trying to help, but I'm not quite sure he realizes how much it's knocked me. I've got a therapist appointment booked in for the week after next, which I hope will help, but in the meantime, I thought I'd ask some people who have actually been through it.
I think the fundamental issue for me is- either he thought about me, and didn't care, or he didn't think about me at all, and either way, it means that every time he said how much he loved and cared about me, it wasn't true. At least, that's how my brain logic is going. Has anyone else gone through the same, and if so, how did you resolve it (and, I guess, how long did it take?)
So, background info, the story sounds similar to a lot of other people's. My partner of six years is currently waiting for the court date on (likely) charges of possession- he went down the common route of porn addiction, moving on to more extreme material, until it eventually caught up with him. Luckily he was able to pay for a good solicitor and, since the knock, has been in therapy and had the full psychiatric evaluation, the outcome of which has been very positive for him (he's not interested in children, but was coping with his problems in a self destructive way).
But I've just been sort of... left to deal with it. He's trying to help, but I'm not quite sure he realizes how much it's knocked me. I've got a therapist appointment booked in for the week after next, which I hope will help, but in the meantime, I thought I'd ask some people who have actually been through it.
I think the fundamental issue for me is- either he thought about me, and didn't care, or he didn't think about me at all, and either way, it means that every time he said how much he loved and cared about me, it wasn't true. At least, that's how my brain logic is going. Has anyone else gone through the same, and if so, how did you resolve it (and, I guess, how long did it take?)
Hi I am in the same boat , I thought I had the perfect husband , marriage , and then the knock came , I now think like you , he said there was no sexual gratification for him, he was talking smut to what he thought was 14 year old girls , and one who he thought was 25, when I asked about the 25 year old I asked him if he told her he was married and he said yes , but he then still sent her a pic of his knob,
so I like you think you either didn't care at all how that would make me feel, or you thought about it and wanted to Risk our marriage anyway,
I am sorry I have no answers as I now feel I did not know this man at all , x
so I like you think you either didn't care at all how that would make me feel, or you thought about it and wanted to Risk our marriage anyway,
I am sorry I have no answers as I now feel I did not know this man at all , x
It's so hard isn't it. My partner describes it as like a drug, while chatting online to women he wasnt himself, he didnt think of the consequences, nothing in the real word entered his head only achieving the perfect conversation, intact even the people he chatted to I dont think mattered to him just the conversation. I dont think he thought of them as real people, I dont think he was bothered who they were or what they wanted to talk about as long as he could have a conversation about what he wanted to talk about. I asked well why couldn't you have chosen me to have those sexual conversations with, he did sometimes but I was real, predictable to some degree. Strangers were a buzz, not real, unpredictable, fulfilled a need to find that perfect conversation. Our life and that were totally separate, it's difficult to get your head round it, you feel like well there must have been something wrong with our marriage, people asked me was it because our sex life was not good, but the truth is it was great, our marriage was great. Then theres the conversation with an undercover officer, how could he do that!why would he do that! But again i think at the time he didnt know their age but by the time it was revealed he was already in the fantasy world he just couldn't stop until it was too late. It wasnt about sex, it was more about his feelings about himself which lead into a cycle of highs and Shame like any other addiction. I cant believe it all happened it's so out of character, but its lovely to have the best version of my husband back, without all this. It's scary how many people are online sexual chatting, I was really shocked by what my husband was doing and he chatted to loads of women alot who were also married. It's scary stuff.
Hi pseudonym
I'm so sorry you've joined this awful club. My husband (of 40 years) is about to be convicted of possession. Similar route, porn addiction progressing to more extreme stuff. He has talked about it as a kind of madness and for him it led to a suicide arrempt so it got very serious. Because I don't have an addictive personality it's really hard to understand. He risked everything. The hard thing is, if it was alcohol or drugs, to a certain extent we would get some sympathy. This is a total taboo subject, even though its horribly widespread. The police officer who arrested my husband and eventually returned my computer said they were overwhelmed with cases. It took over 2 years to get the forensics done. It will be 2 and a half years since the knock by the time get to the first court date, nearly 3 years by the time he's sentenced. My husband is a broken man.
I think the easy availability of extreme porn has a lot to do with it. It sounds like you and your husband are doing the right things. In terms of trust, talk to him. I will probably never forgive my husband for what he's done. I'm just hoping we manage to have a life afterwards. Try to think of your husband's positive side, he still has one, he just made a terrible mistake.
I'm so sorry you've joined this awful club. My husband (of 40 years) is about to be convicted of possession. Similar route, porn addiction progressing to more extreme stuff. He has talked about it as a kind of madness and for him it led to a suicide arrempt so it got very serious. Because I don't have an addictive personality it's really hard to understand. He risked everything. The hard thing is, if it was alcohol or drugs, to a certain extent we would get some sympathy. This is a total taboo subject, even though its horribly widespread. The police officer who arrested my husband and eventually returned my computer said they were overwhelmed with cases. It took over 2 years to get the forensics done. It will be 2 and a half years since the knock by the time get to the first court date, nearly 3 years by the time he's sentenced. My husband is a broken man.
I think the easy availability of extreme porn has a lot to do with it. It sounds like you and your husband are doing the right things. In terms of trust, talk to him. I will probably never forgive my husband for what he's done. I'm just hoping we manage to have a life afterwards. Try to think of your husband's positive side, he still has one, he just made a terrible mistake.
Hello, tomorrow is sentencing day for the husband!!! Absolutely bricking it not sure how i would feel about him if he went to prison or if it gets publicised.
We are in a good place at the moment but its been bloody hard getting here. I feel I can trust him and I have no doubts in my mind that he'd ever reoffend. He also suggested putting some safeguards in place to stop him accessing porn, so we set a pornblocker on his phone and added parental controls to our broadband service which only I have the passwords for (totally random passwords and to be honest I dont think I can even remember them!!!).
how we got here is.....he was arrested and put under investigation for accessing iioc. It took them a year to go through all the devices and then they came to rearrest him again for iioc and for voyeurism took more devices and that took another 6 months for them to go through.
He has now been charged for voyeurism (took vidoes of a family member when they stayed over one weekend) and for iioc (all three categories) He said it was one zip file with 40 videos on and over 20 of them were iioc but he didnt know until he had downloaded (some poeple may think i am naive believing him but the police had not said anything to contradict him).
At first i was devastated and he left as soon as he got home after the second arrest (went to his parents) i have never in my life (sounds stupid saying it out loud) felt such physical pain when he left. My body hurt so much.
We communicated by text for a few days and through these texts he admitted to a porn addiction. He stayed with his parents for a month but during that time he would come home and stay if i asked him to. This made it easier to talk things through and to see how i felt about him. He told me that the type of porn he liked was of a voyeuristic nature and that most of the time he got no sexual arousal from it. That he couldnt relax if he didnt watch it. As for the videos he made it wasnt about the family member, it was about the secrecy of the videos.
The way i see it is that up until that first arrest we had an awesome life together (15 and a half years). Going on holidays, going to the movies, laughing together and just being us and i cant walk away without knowing that i tried. I love him and i know he loves me.....that this wasnt about not loving its an addiction.
Dont get me wrong not sure how i am going to feel tomorrow and even next week but right now i love him.
We are in a good place at the moment but its been bloody hard getting here. I feel I can trust him and I have no doubts in my mind that he'd ever reoffend. He also suggested putting some safeguards in place to stop him accessing porn, so we set a pornblocker on his phone and added parental controls to our broadband service which only I have the passwords for (totally random passwords and to be honest I dont think I can even remember them!!!).
how we got here is.....he was arrested and put under investigation for accessing iioc. It took them a year to go through all the devices and then they came to rearrest him again for iioc and for voyeurism took more devices and that took another 6 months for them to go through.
He has now been charged for voyeurism (took vidoes of a family member when they stayed over one weekend) and for iioc (all three categories) He said it was one zip file with 40 videos on and over 20 of them were iioc but he didnt know until he had downloaded (some poeple may think i am naive believing him but the police had not said anything to contradict him).
At first i was devastated and he left as soon as he got home after the second arrest (went to his parents) i have never in my life (sounds stupid saying it out loud) felt such physical pain when he left. My body hurt so much.
We communicated by text for a few days and through these texts he admitted to a porn addiction. He stayed with his parents for a month but during that time he would come home and stay if i asked him to. This made it easier to talk things through and to see how i felt about him. He told me that the type of porn he liked was of a voyeuristic nature and that most of the time he got no sexual arousal from it. That he couldnt relax if he didnt watch it. As for the videos he made it wasnt about the family member, it was about the secrecy of the videos.
The way i see it is that up until that first arrest we had an awesome life together (15 and a half years). Going on holidays, going to the movies, laughing together and just being us and i cant walk away without knowing that i tried. I love him and i know he loves me.....that this wasnt about not loving its an addiction.
Dont get me wrong not sure how i am going to feel tomorrow and even next week but right now i love him.
Hi Ren
I hope the court isn't too awful. Stay strong. I was interested by the secrecy thing, as my husband talked about that too. Somehow knowing it was wrong and keeping that secret fuelled the obsession. It's so hard to understand. They're doing so much damage to themselves and others and yet can't stop. I've discussed the likelihood of reoffending with my husband but he says it will never happen because he's been so destroyed by discovery. Doing the LF course helped too, made him understand those children are real.
Good luck x
I hope the court isn't too awful. Stay strong. I was interested by the secrecy thing, as my husband talked about that too. Somehow knowing it was wrong and keeping that secret fuelled the obsession. It's so hard to understand. They're doing so much damage to themselves and others and yet can't stop. I've discussed the likelihood of reoffending with my husband but he says it will never happen because he's been so destroyed by discovery. Doing the LF course helped too, made him understand those children are real.
Good luck x
Hi Ren,
I just wanted to say you were in my thoughts today. I really hope your okay, and that you have been shown love and support from family and friends to get you through what i can only imagine as a hellish Mount Everest of emotions kind of day. I hope you got the outcome you were hoping for and that finally you can start moving forward with your life again how ever that may be. Sending lots of love your way and positive thoughts xxx
I just wanted to say you were in my thoughts today. I really hope your okay, and that you have been shown love and support from family and friends to get you through what i can only imagine as a hellish Mount Everest of emotions kind of day. I hope you got the outcome you were hoping for and that finally you can start moving forward with your life again how ever that may be. Sending lots of love your way and positive thoughts xxx