ANGRY
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Anyone else so bl..... dy angry at what their partner has put them through? It's only just starting to kick in as the court date approaches. I'm fuming at what he's done to us.
Hi Ann - yes I completely understand your anger. We are now over two years post knock and those feelings have not got any better. We had been together for over 30 years, I gave him the best years of my life and he has just trampled all over that. I move between anger at how he has hurt us and all those poor innocent children to total heartbreak and I cannot see any way how this will ever get better. He has not shown me any sign of remorse and continued to lie to me even after his arrest. We are now going through divorce but I feel I am just waiting for my life to be over and there is no hope of any future happiness. I really hope that things work out better for you and that you can find some way of dealing with this. X
My partner and I had split 6 months before this all happened but he was my best friend and we lived next door to each other and co-parented really well together.
I was initially upset but that is turning more and more to anger. He has been on remand in prison since the knock.
I live on a crown dependency and our investigations/processes go through a lot faster, he was charged the day he was arrested with a specimen charge and straight to prison, then investigation, then further charges, sentancing in April - so he will have served a lot of his sentence by then - and even people with very few images go to prison, they don't seem to suspend the sentences or do community orders. So what I see is him in the bubble having his daily life managed whilst I deal with the media intrusion, the loss of friends, raising 2 children alone with no help, even having to tell his employer for him because he just didnt turn up at work and never came back. That breeds a lot of resentment and anger :(
I was initially upset but that is turning more and more to anger. He has been on remand in prison since the knock.
I live on a crown dependency and our investigations/processes go through a lot faster, he was charged the day he was arrested with a specimen charge and straight to prison, then investigation, then further charges, sentancing in April - so he will have served a lot of his sentence by then - and even people with very few images go to prison, they don't seem to suspend the sentences or do community orders. So what I see is him in the bubble having his daily life managed whilst I deal with the media intrusion, the loss of friends, raising 2 children alone with no help, even having to tell his employer for him because he just didnt turn up at work and never came back. That breeds a lot of resentment and anger :(
I think you are quite rightly feeling anger and resentment. It seems just like the offender is supported and cared for whilst we are the collaterol damage suffering more and dealing with the fallout. I really hope you are able to find your way through this. X
Thank you both for your replies, it helps. The whole thing is such a taboo subject. If out partners had been drug addicts, alcoholics, or even committed a range of other crimes we would at least get more sympathy. This is such a horrible place to be. I constantly tell myself that no normal person would do it, so my husband must therefore be ill, and he was diagnosed with depression/anxiety, attempted suicide and spent 3 weeks on our local mental health unit so he clearly is/was sick. But it doesn't stop the anger. I know what you mean about trampling all over our life, that's how it feels at times.
Wwe are the collateral damage and that's so unfair.
Wwe are the collateral damage and that's so unfair.
Hi Ann - yes, I HAVE been furious, although I'm not now. I'm sure I will be again, before living in limbo land is resolved.
I'm relieved we don't have young children and don't have to deal with SS. But I disagree with your assertion that 'normal' people don't do this. My husband has never had mental health issues before this 'addiction' - in fact I would have said (before this) that he was the more stable of the two of us - and he's been my rock in our 40+ years of marriage. He was his younger sister and our son's role model. He's never, ever been in any kind of trouble and always endeavooured to be a king and morally sound citizen.
But internet access and the free and easy access to pornography led him to dark places and ultimately his arrest for looking at iioc. HE's struggling to understand why he went there himself. He went searching for 'mossy terrarium' and a link to 'Kate moss - naked' popped up. He made that fatal click and didn't stop clicking. It became compulsive - the looking. He describes it as being unable to stop looking - like driving past a car crash and rubbernecking. The police don't look at people's motivations or fantasies, they just look at the evidence.
Therapy is helping. All his and my family are aware of what's happened and are being supportive - he's earned that. We all know that this horrible crime is not all he is. WE are determined that he will not repeat his offence - and so is he. We have been having more honest and open conversations since the knock than we'd had for a while - and I don't believe I'm being totally naive in believing him when he swears it will not happen again. He had compartmentalised his behaviour - but now the box is gone.
I'm relieved we don't have young children and don't have to deal with SS. But I disagree with your assertion that 'normal' people don't do this. My husband has never had mental health issues before this 'addiction' - in fact I would have said (before this) that he was the more stable of the two of us - and he's been my rock in our 40+ years of marriage. He was his younger sister and our son's role model. He's never, ever been in any kind of trouble and always endeavooured to be a king and morally sound citizen.
But internet access and the free and easy access to pornography led him to dark places and ultimately his arrest for looking at iioc. HE's struggling to understand why he went there himself. He went searching for 'mossy terrarium' and a link to 'Kate moss - naked' popped up. He made that fatal click and didn't stop clicking. It became compulsive - the looking. He describes it as being unable to stop looking - like driving past a car crash and rubbernecking. The police don't look at people's motivations or fantasies, they just look at the evidence.
Therapy is helping. All his and my family are aware of what's happened and are being supportive - he's earned that. We all know that this horrible crime is not all he is. WE are determined that he will not repeat his offence - and so is he. We have been having more honest and open conversations since the knock than we'd had for a while - and I don't believe I'm being totally naive in believing him when he swears it will not happen again. He had compartmentalised his behaviour - but now the box is gone.