Five years on
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Hi - hope this is the right section to post in... I haven't been on here for a long time. But I wanted to share my story as I found it so helpful to hear from people who came out the other side.
Briefly: knock came in March 2020, when police discovered husband was downloading images. He admitted it immediately, SS put me through the wringer and I had to supervise every minute, but he stayed in the home. In August 2020 he was arrested and moved out. With COVID, the court date was delayed until November 2021. In the meantime, he went through intensive therapy via a Stop It Now therapist. He was eventually sentenced to 44 months and served half of that inside.
Before he left, we told our child that he was going to prison (for breaking the law, not because he was a bad person). We felt it was extremely important for them to maintain a relationship, so they had regular video calls throughout his time inside.
I was lucky - he was honest with me and the police, there was minimal media coverage, no one harrassed us, and he ended up in a specialist prison for SOs, which felt safer. However, over time I decided we should split up - partly due to SS pressure but mainly because I realized that I had actually been unhappy for a long time but felt stuck.
While he was inside, I had to handle everything, which was really stressful. But it also rebuilt my confidence and independence, and it brought my child and I even closer together.
He's now been out for more than 2 years, and we've maintained a friendly relationship. She sees him every week - still supervised, which is difficult but worth it to maintain that relationship. At some point we will tell her what he did (in an age appropriate way) as I still fear one day she'll search his name and find out about it on her own.
Meanwhile, I met someone new, who knows all about this and is very loving and supportive as well as respectful of my ex and his experiences. Funnily enough, they met when new partner came with me to pick up my ex on his first day out!
So... whatever happens, you have to go through the trauma, but you will get through it. Eventually this should be just an unhappy memory.
With love to all of you,
Lenore
Briefly: knock came in March 2020, when police discovered husband was downloading images. He admitted it immediately, SS put me through the wringer and I had to supervise every minute, but he stayed in the home. In August 2020 he was arrested and moved out. With COVID, the court date was delayed until November 2021. In the meantime, he went through intensive therapy via a Stop It Now therapist. He was eventually sentenced to 44 months and served half of that inside.
Before he left, we told our child that he was going to prison (for breaking the law, not because he was a bad person). We felt it was extremely important for them to maintain a relationship, so they had regular video calls throughout his time inside.
I was lucky - he was honest with me and the police, there was minimal media coverage, no one harrassed us, and he ended up in a specialist prison for SOs, which felt safer. However, over time I decided we should split up - partly due to SS pressure but mainly because I realized that I had actually been unhappy for a long time but felt stuck.
While he was inside, I had to handle everything, which was really stressful. But it also rebuilt my confidence and independence, and it brought my child and I even closer together.
He's now been out for more than 2 years, and we've maintained a friendly relationship. She sees him every week - still supervised, which is difficult but worth it to maintain that relationship. At some point we will tell her what he did (in an age appropriate way) as I still fear one day she'll search his name and find out about it on her own.
Meanwhile, I met someone new, who knows all about this and is very loving and supportive as well as respectful of my ex and his experiences. Funnily enough, they met when new partner came with me to pick up my ex on his first day out!
So... whatever happens, you have to go through the trauma, but you will get through it. Eventually this should be just an unhappy memory.
With love to all of you,
Lenore
My husband of 30 odd years was arrested 2022. Sent to prison 2023. Released 2024. Divorced last month.
Not where I thought I would be at 58.
My mum died whilst he was in prison. Thankfully I kept everything from her.
This year I have sold the marital home and bought myself a small flat.
12 months ago I started going out with a lovely bloke who I had known for 7 years through a shared interest. Although we have lots of mutual friends he knew nothing of what had happened to me. I have told him some of it and he has never pressured me to talk about it.
He helped me emotionally and practically to sell my house, move and settle into my new place.
He holds my hand, tells me he loves me, opens doors for me and this morning de iced my car. So far there are no expectations on either side, no pressures and no long term plans. We are enjoying it for what it is.
I now just want to be happy and content - I'm not chasing anything.
Life can start again and there can be things to look forward to. Our past doesn't have to define us.
Not where I thought I would be at 58.
My mum died whilst he was in prison. Thankfully I kept everything from her.
This year I have sold the marital home and bought myself a small flat.
12 months ago I started going out with a lovely bloke who I had known for 7 years through a shared interest. Although we have lots of mutual friends he knew nothing of what had happened to me. I have told him some of it and he has never pressured me to talk about it.
He helped me emotionally and practically to sell my house, move and settle into my new place.
He holds my hand, tells me he loves me, opens doors for me and this morning de iced my car. So far there are no expectations on either side, no pressures and no long term plans. We are enjoying it for what it is.
I now just want to be happy and content - I'm not chasing anything.
Life can start again and there can be things to look forward to. Our past doesn't have to define us.
Hi!!
I was similar, although my person was lucky enough to not go to jail.
Same as you ladies, I decided to separarate. This incident just proved how much of a wedge we had in this marriage that he decided to do this. I was sexually abused as a child, so having to go thru this nightmare thanks to him was too much.
Funny enough, most of the tools learned on my childhood (secrecy, keeping up appearances, etc) served me to not crumble. What a horrid state of affairs...
We're friends now and SS has been out of our lives for a good year or so. He is extremely hands on with our kids and even managed to bag himself a girlfriend.
I'm now having a great time. Had a promotion from work, take my kids on all sorts of holidays, go to loads of dates and managed to lose even 2 stones going to the gym.
All in all, it really feels like your life is over. And to some degree, it is. But there's so much freedom.
Few things that helped me:
- Therapy. Invest in good Therapy, even if it is just 1 session a month. You need to vent with people you know won't screw you up.
- walk, exercise, whatever. Those thoughts will ruminate and you need to get rid of them.
- Pamper yourself. Fiercely love yourself and your kids.
Big hugs to everyone.
I was similar, although my person was lucky enough to not go to jail.
Same as you ladies, I decided to separarate. This incident just proved how much of a wedge we had in this marriage that he decided to do this. I was sexually abused as a child, so having to go thru this nightmare thanks to him was too much.
Funny enough, most of the tools learned on my childhood (secrecy, keeping up appearances, etc) served me to not crumble. What a horrid state of affairs...
We're friends now and SS has been out of our lives for a good year or so. He is extremely hands on with our kids and even managed to bag himself a girlfriend.
I'm now having a great time. Had a promotion from work, take my kids on all sorts of holidays, go to loads of dates and managed to lose even 2 stones going to the gym.
All in all, it really feels like your life is over. And to some degree, it is. But there's so much freedom.
Few things that helped me:
- Therapy. Invest in good Therapy, even if it is just 1 session a month. You need to vent with people you know won't screw you up.
- walk, exercise, whatever. Those thoughts will ruminate and you need to get rid of them.
- Pamper yourself. Fiercely love yourself and your kids.
Big hugs to everyone.