Family and Friends Forum

Background: I grew up in an abusive (not sexual) and neglectful home. I am the eldest sibling and now middle aged, married and with my own children. About a decade ago everything caught up with me and I had a huge life threatening breakdown. My birth family were not supportive and I actually paused contact with my parents to give myself space to heal. My dad, in particular, has never forgiven me for this but I've tried to repair the relationship. I worked hard and did 2 years of intense therapy, which was life changing. I'm a very isolated person. I find it difficult to interact with others. I don't work due to a health problem and that health problem limits what I can do. I used to be very active but now I spend my days alone on the sofa whilst my family come and go. I'm very lucky. I have a wonderful life and I love my own little family.



My person is a younger brother. I did a lot of raising and caring for him growing up but we've lived in different countries for a long time now. Not only do I love him but I know the trauma he suffered growing up and I don't even know all of it. I hadn't spoken to him since the knock a year ago. I couldn't. I'm someone who has actively campaigned for children's rights and am fully safeguarding trained. Protecting children is hugely important to me so I needed time. I only found out because the police rang me. I have a child the same age and gender as his victim (actually an undercover officer) so they were put on a child protection order. I'm fine with this but my birth family weren't even going to tell me about my brother's arrest. I felt utterly betrayed.



A year later and my brother has plead guilty and will be sentenced this month. I've opened channels of communication with him because I want to support him but I feel literally sick when I think of his offences. I will not protect or enable offending. However, I also believe that the best way of preventing reoffending is support and dealing with the hard stuff. Unfortunately he made local media and had to relocate as his address was published online. He's back with my parents now. This is not a good environment for him but there's nowhere else.

I'm not ok because of how my dad is treating me. It seems that I'm the problem. He automatically views me negatively no matter what I do and it breaks my heart. Because I want to support my brother, I felt I needed some support myself so I confided in a trusted aunt. She doesn't even live in the same country as them and has a different name. Bear in mind that the story has been shared locally online. My aunt was as I predicted, 100% supportive and admitted she'd been worried about my dad for months - she'd known something was wrong. She wanted to help. Knowing my dad was struggling and his own sister would support him I decided to confess to my dad that I'd told my aunt. I knew he'd be angry as he's been very clear about not telling people but I thought it was worth the hit for him getting some support. But the hit has been hard.

My dad seems to think I don't care. That I'm selfish and thoughtless, that I didn't consider the consequences, that I was gossiping. I cried on the call I got from him. It doesn't matter what I do, it'll be wrong. He's never once asked me my own thoughts or feelings on what's happened. He's never acknowledged the horror that the victim could have been my child, or their friends. I'm distraught when I think about it. I'm happy my dad is supporting my brother, I'm just really really sad that my brother can plead to guilty to online communicating with a child and yet I'm the problem for confiding in a trusted, close family member. I know it's messed up but it doesn't stop it hurting. My dad told me that my brother would be furious if he knew I'd told my aunt. Him? Furious at me?! I'm the person in the wrong here?! Of course I am. It's always me that's the problem. Big, bad, selfish, mentally unstable me.

I'm mentally very well actually and have been for a number of years. I've been seeing a therapist privately for a number of years now. Just whenever I feel I should to keep me well. I'd like to get an appointment with her now but I expect I won't be able to get one until January now. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm ok, to use all the therapy work and strategies but I'm not ok. I'm concerned that even by sharing this I'm ruminating, which is unhealthy. No one understands. No one can really help. I'm just stuck alone in this void. I was thinking of ringing Samaritans just to talk to someone but I know they only provide a listening ear, rather than actively working through anything. I don't want to shout into the void y'know? My husband can't do anything emotional. I don't really have friends. I don't want to speak to my aunt again. I will try and get in with my therapist but failing that I've no idea where I'm supposed to go for help working through this.



We put up our Christmas decorations yesterday and it was a really nice time but I could feel I wasn't myself. I feel guilty for struggling and I feel guilty for not knowing how to make it better.



I'm not ok but I'm pretending to everyone, including myself, that I am.

Thanks folks.

When I read your replies I wanted to reply to you individually but my brain won't let me. It's mush.

Fortunately I'm seeing my therapist this morning. I know I can't make the feelings go away, I need to give that time. I just need some help managing them and some space to talk without judgement.
My own life is really full on right now too. My GP is aware but because I've had serious mental health problems in the past they tend to freak out. They chill out a bit when I explain that I'm seeing my therapist and I know what I'm doing!
I'm completely exhausted and I need to be careful, I live with a chronic health condition and to stay well I need to keep things in balance. This afternoon I've got a guitar lesson which will be nice too. My teacher is a good human, someone who radiates positivity and I need that in my life right now.

I'm going to my sister in law's for Christmas which is a massive help. She's got my back and it's such a relief that she's covered all the Christmas Day food stuff. It'll be the best kind of chaos. Full of family, good people. Thinking about that is helping to get me through.

Christmas makes everything harder doesn't it? Feeling for us all.