Family and Friends Forum

It's been just over a month since the knock and we have got back to some sort of normality. However, I feel as though we just both pretend it isn't happening as we don't know any outcomes yet as he's on bail until the end of January. I'm "fine" one day but then I find myself going down this rabbit hole trying to find out information of what could happen, what his sentence could be etc and then I can't stop crying. I broke down again last night and I've been thinking about it all day. I think about it all day every day but luckily I don't cry every day. This is one of the hardest things ive ever gone through, I still love him so much but I feel myself pulling away from things I would usually enjoy and seeing friends etc as I don't want the questions of "when do you think you'll have kids?" "Are you still buying a house next year?" I feel like I'm keeping myself in this situation by staying for the time being but I also can't imagine being without him. I don't want to keep talking to my mum and friend about how I'm feeling as I feel like I'm bringing them down and also don't want them to see him in an even more negative light as I have this need of still wanting to protect him. Christmas is my favourite time of year so I'm just trying to get through this month and have a nice Christmas but i just feel this weight on me every day like a cloud that just follows me and I can't get rid of it. I still have this hope that it will all just go away but I know that won't happen and I just miss how we were before of all this. I can't imagine saying to him that our relationship is over as this is the man I thought I'd marry and have children with but was that all just a lie? The constant thoughts are so exhausting. Sorry for the long post just needed to get it out today