Family and Friends Forum

Hi

Yes my son want go into his local down or supermarket

As it was posted all over Facebook

About a three months after sentencing

He went to local supermarket and someone recognised him from Facebook and call him the p word

Now he want go there

Poppy, it really is about taking small steps. It’s been over two years since my person’s case was shared on social media and in the local paper, and there are still places he chooses not to go.

At first, he couldn’t face anyone at all and would only go out after dark to walk around the block. His therapist helped him take things one step at a time, staying on each step until he felt ready to move to the next. He began by simply driving to a shop car park. After doing that a few times, he worked up to stepping inside, and only when he felt comfortable did he start walking around the shop. For a long time he avoided our local shop, but now he goes in without thinking much about it.

The more they go out and realise nothing bad happens, the easier it slowly becomes. It just takes time.

It's coming up 3 years since it hit the papers for my person and he is still like this now don't think it will ever get any easier it's so hard as I have had to take on a lot more than I did by him not feeling comfortable to go to a lot of places hope it gets better for your person soon

My OH tries to put on a brave face when we're out and about but he's always scanning for people he might now to avoid any confrontation.

There are many of our favourite old haunts that we just can't go to anymore, places we loved and have wonderful memories - where friends and acquaintances are, that we can no longer be seen in.


It breaks my heart when he sees someone he was good friends with, points them out and then hides or turns the other direction.
He avoids making new friends at the minute, whether that will change I don't know - but that in itself puts a quiet pressure on me.

We've been filmed without consent by his estranged family members, when we were simply out having tea the other night. I was horrified, I'm desperately trying to protect my kids and I have no control over how or where that video will be shared. I felt like we were some sort of freak show. We know as a minimum it was shared with the mother of his eldest daughter who we then saw in the garden centre a few days after, making some inaudible comment towards him about the video! (A day that was actually my birthday, I just asked my OH for us to come straight home and close the curtains/'shut the world out' as we say).

I totally get why people move areas after press fallout for an anonymous fresh start. Constantly looking over your shoulder and scanning everywhere you go is the most horrendous position to be in. Trying to manage paranoia and always waiting for the next 'incident' with someone you once knew and loved from your past. Cherished friendships and family relationships are gone in the blink of an eye and have now become a source of anxiety, it's very cruel.



The irony being our loved ones can't create any sort of support network with others to share their experiences and be a support for each other. I know we talk about a lack of support for secondary victims and I do agree, but I also think I have opportunities to form support networks through engaging with Inform, peer support with Talking Forward etc. There are a few options. For our loved ones there is nothing, it's not allowed to happen for fear of them sharing details of where to find IIOC, or somehow encouraging each other to reoffend. I know men who have accessed gambling and alcohol support and it's been a real life line. These aren't forums for encouraging people to bet and drink, they're places to share experiences, discuss coping strategies, get ideas on how to move forward positively, feel accepted and not judged and to lean in on each other. By isolating people in the way we do do feels completely counter productive.

Good luck and warm hugs to everyone experiencing the same xx