Stand by and support, or run a mile?
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Firstly, I can't even believe I'm on this site writing this. Secondly (and this may be a generalisation), however, most of the posts on here seem to be from women, and it's deeply distressing to read. To the point, it feels almost embarrassing to be a man.
I introduce myself as a happily married man of 20+ years with two wonderful children, though reading this forum seems to count for very little, too.
It is not my family or myself that I write about, though. It's a former colleague who has become a very good friend for many years, and is probably one of the most trusted people in my phone book. A senior professional, in a profession that requires ethics training, a 30+ year marriage, and two wonderful adult children. But for me, my mate.
This case is still going through the court system, and his family may well be on this forum, so I shall not share any specifics. Everyone deserves a fair trial and is innocent until proven guilty, and I would not want to prejudice that.
However... I'm totally broken, in a way I haven't felt since my Dad died. I trusted, and I respected this man. Clearly, what I now know as 'the knock' happened a few months into 2025, because he vanished (social media, phone, and work). Naturally, I made contact with the family, got the new phone number, and guessed that there was some investigation. Given the nature of our work (nothing to do with children, all finance/commercial), it's not completely unheard of for there to be investigations. He assured me that work and family were being supportive, so it made sense that it was a professional investigation.
A couple of months ago, he reappeared online, although no longer with his employer. He assured me it was a work-related matter, he was under NDA, but had left. This all made perfect sense. We chatted for over two hours. My wife joined us, and we said how relieved we were to see him back. We spoke about family and new business ventures. It was a wonderful conversation, and I felt relieved that my buddy and his family were fine.
About a month later (I'm being as vague as I can with dates), I became aware of a Magistrates' Court entry, details 'blank'. Courtserve, however, showed more detail. You will no doubt know what I found. He promised to call me, but he didn't. I wrote to the Court Service and got the charges and the number of images. I can't even write about that anymore as I’m so devastated.
My wife is furious and feels I was taken for a ride. Wants me to have nothing more to do with him, my brother (who he knew), exactly the same - walk away, don't get involved.
Through the limited text exchanges, I believe my friend's wife knows (I presume she was there when the police came), but the two adult children do not. Therefore, I'm not sure I feel lied to, IF it was for the purpose of damage limitation (although I have no idea how this won’t hit the press).
For the avoidance of any doubt, if my friend is pleads or is found guilty I am not a sypathiser, I do not in any way have any time for what he has done and I believe he should have the book thrown at him and face the consequences, especially as he cannot say he didn't know better (I am not a psychiatric specialist though).
My question is this: do I keep my distance now, wait for the sentencing, and if guilty, walk away, or do I try to find a way to support? I don't want him to ever offend again, I don't want him to kill himself, and I want him to face the full punishment for what he's done. I also want him to be honest about what isn't known. My understanding is that this is often the tip of the iceberg.
I have questions. I want to look him in the eye and ask him things. I want to support the family. Sure, I want to scream at him, but he must know how much trouble he's in and what he’s thrown away.
But here's the thing: is it for him or for me? Is it just my grief, shock, and anger? If you'd asked me about this situation a year ago, I'd say "I'd never want anything to do with a sex offender", but if you'd asked me a year ago if I ever thought 'Friend X' would be found with.... I wouldn’t have believed it.
I don't want to make a horrific sexist comment here, but does anyone have any experience of men supporting other men here, and whether they should, or whether they should just walk away? I can't afford to get professionally entangled here, but I also want to challenge someone I respected so deeply.
I really hope this doesn't come across as endorsing what he has likely done; I'm just lost, confused, angry, and in disbelief. Reading the posts on here has been a mix of helpfulness and profound sadness at the extent to which it goes on.
My male friend and two former female colleagues formed a very happy group of four who met for drinks 2-3 times a year. We are all parents. My two former female colleagues are saying we really should still have a Christmas drink (just the three of us). As a man, but also a Dad of a daughter, I'm really struggling to do that - how can any man be trusted, and I am one....
Sorry for my incoherent ramble, I just feel so lost, and understandably so, the conversation is banned at home. My wife feels I've been betrayed. Clearly, I wouldn't do it behind her back, in case you are worried, however, I have nowhere to turn. It’s not something you can just talk about either.
Thank you for reading, and wherever you are in your journey, I hope Christmas is an ‘ok’ time for you.
I introduce myself as a happily married man of 20+ years with two wonderful children, though reading this forum seems to count for very little, too.
It is not my family or myself that I write about, though. It's a former colleague who has become a very good friend for many years, and is probably one of the most trusted people in my phone book. A senior professional, in a profession that requires ethics training, a 30+ year marriage, and two wonderful adult children. But for me, my mate.
This case is still going through the court system, and his family may well be on this forum, so I shall not share any specifics. Everyone deserves a fair trial and is innocent until proven guilty, and I would not want to prejudice that.
However... I'm totally broken, in a way I haven't felt since my Dad died. I trusted, and I respected this man. Clearly, what I now know as 'the knock' happened a few months into 2025, because he vanished (social media, phone, and work). Naturally, I made contact with the family, got the new phone number, and guessed that there was some investigation. Given the nature of our work (nothing to do with children, all finance/commercial), it's not completely unheard of for there to be investigations. He assured me that work and family were being supportive, so it made sense that it was a professional investigation.
A couple of months ago, he reappeared online, although no longer with his employer. He assured me it was a work-related matter, he was under NDA, but had left. This all made perfect sense. We chatted for over two hours. My wife joined us, and we said how relieved we were to see him back. We spoke about family and new business ventures. It was a wonderful conversation, and I felt relieved that my buddy and his family were fine.
About a month later (I'm being as vague as I can with dates), I became aware of a Magistrates' Court entry, details 'blank'. Courtserve, however, showed more detail. You will no doubt know what I found. He promised to call me, but he didn't. I wrote to the Court Service and got the charges and the number of images. I can't even write about that anymore as I’m so devastated.
My wife is furious and feels I was taken for a ride. Wants me to have nothing more to do with him, my brother (who he knew), exactly the same - walk away, don't get involved.
Through the limited text exchanges, I believe my friend's wife knows (I presume she was there when the police came), but the two adult children do not. Therefore, I'm not sure I feel lied to, IF it was for the purpose of damage limitation (although I have no idea how this won’t hit the press).
For the avoidance of any doubt, if my friend is pleads or is found guilty I am not a sypathiser, I do not in any way have any time for what he has done and I believe he should have the book thrown at him and face the consequences, especially as he cannot say he didn't know better (I am not a psychiatric specialist though).
My question is this: do I keep my distance now, wait for the sentencing, and if guilty, walk away, or do I try to find a way to support? I don't want him to ever offend again, I don't want him to kill himself, and I want him to face the full punishment for what he's done. I also want him to be honest about what isn't known. My understanding is that this is often the tip of the iceberg.
I have questions. I want to look him in the eye and ask him things. I want to support the family. Sure, I want to scream at him, but he must know how much trouble he's in and what he’s thrown away.
But here's the thing: is it for him or for me? Is it just my grief, shock, and anger? If you'd asked me about this situation a year ago, I'd say "I'd never want anything to do with a sex offender", but if you'd asked me a year ago if I ever thought 'Friend X' would be found with.... I wouldn’t have believed it.
I don't want to make a horrific sexist comment here, but does anyone have any experience of men supporting other men here, and whether they should, or whether they should just walk away? I can't afford to get professionally entangled here, but I also want to challenge someone I respected so deeply.
I really hope this doesn't come across as endorsing what he has likely done; I'm just lost, confused, angry, and in disbelief. Reading the posts on here has been a mix of helpfulness and profound sadness at the extent to which it goes on.
My male friend and two former female colleagues formed a very happy group of four who met for drinks 2-3 times a year. We are all parents. My two former female colleagues are saying we really should still have a Christmas drink (just the three of us). As a man, but also a Dad of a daughter, I'm really struggling to do that - how can any man be trusted, and I am one....
Sorry for my incoherent ramble, I just feel so lost, and understandably so, the conversation is banned at home. My wife feels I've been betrayed. Clearly, I wouldn't do it behind her back, in case you are worried, however, I have nowhere to turn. It’s not something you can just talk about either.
Thank you for reading, and wherever you are in your journey, I hope Christmas is an ‘ok’ time for you.