Stand by and support, or run a mile?
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Firstly, I can't even believe I'm on this site writing this. Secondly (and this may be a generalisation), however, most of the posts on here seem to be from women, and it's deeply distressing to read. To the point, it feels almost embarrassing to be a man.
I introduce myself as a happily married man of 20+ years with two wonderful children, though reading this forum seems to count for very little, too.
It is not my family or myself that I write about, though. It's a former colleague who has become a very good friend for many years, and is probably one of the most trusted people in my phone book. A senior professional, in a profession that requires ethics training, a 30+ year marriage, and two wonderful adult children. But for me, my mate.
This case is still going through the court system, and his family may well be on this forum, so I shall not share any specifics. Everyone deserves a fair trial and is innocent until proven guilty, and I would not want to prejudice that.
However... I'm totally broken, in a way I haven't felt since my Dad died. I trusted, and I respected this man. Clearly, what I now know as 'the knock' happened a few months into 2025, because he vanished (social media, phone, and work). Naturally, I made contact with the family, got the new phone number, and guessed that there was some investigation. Given the nature of our work (nothing to do with children, all finance/commercial), it's not completely unheard of for there to be investigations. He assured me that work and family were being supportive, so it made sense that it was a professional investigation.
A couple of months ago, he reappeared online, although no longer with his employer. He assured me it was a work-related matter, he was under NDA, but had left. This all made perfect sense. We chatted for over two hours. My wife joined us, and we said how relieved we were to see him back. We spoke about family and new business ventures. It was a wonderful conversation, and I felt relieved that my buddy and his family were fine.
About a month later (I'm being as vague as I can with dates), I became aware of a Magistrates' Court entry, details 'blank'. Courtserve, however, showed more detail. You will no doubt know what I found. He promised to call me, but he didn't. I wrote to the Court Service and got the charges and the number of images. I can't even write about that anymore as I’m so devastated.
My wife is furious and feels I was taken for a ride. Wants me to have nothing more to do with him, my brother (who he knew), exactly the same - walk away, don't get involved.
Through the limited text exchanges, I believe my friend's wife knows (I presume she was there when the police came), but the two adult children do not. Therefore, I'm not sure I feel lied to, IF it was for the purpose of damage limitation (although I have no idea how this won’t hit the press).
For the avoidance of any doubt, if my friend is pleads or is found guilty I am not a sypathiser, I do not in any way have any time for what he has done and I believe he should have the book thrown at him and face the consequences, especially as he cannot say he didn't know better (I am not a psychiatric specialist though).
My question is this: do I keep my distance now, wait for the sentencing, and if guilty, walk away, or do I try to find a way to support? I don't want him to ever offend again, I don't want him to kill himself, and I want him to face the full punishment for what he's done. I also want him to be honest about what isn't known. My understanding is that this is often the tip of the iceberg.
I have questions. I want to look him in the eye and ask him things. I want to support the family. Sure, I want to scream at him, but he must know how much trouble he's in and what he’s thrown away.
But here's the thing: is it for him or for me? Is it just my grief, shock, and anger? If you'd asked me about this situation a year ago, I'd say "I'd never want anything to do with a sex offender", but if you'd asked me a year ago if I ever thought 'Friend X' would be found with.... I wouldn’t have believed it.
I don't want to make a horrific sexist comment here, but does anyone have any experience of men supporting other men here, and whether they should, or whether they should just walk away? I can't afford to get professionally entangled here, but I also want to challenge someone I respected so deeply.
I really hope this doesn't come across as endorsing what he has likely done; I'm just lost, confused, angry, and in disbelief. Reading the posts on here has been a mix of helpfulness and profound sadness at the extent to which it goes on.
My male friend and two former female colleagues formed a very happy group of four who met for drinks 2-3 times a year. We are all parents. My two former female colleagues are saying we really should still have a Christmas drink (just the three of us). As a man, but also a Dad of a daughter, I'm really struggling to do that - how can any man be trusted, and I am one....
Sorry for my incoherent ramble, I just feel so lost, and understandably so, the conversation is banned at home. My wife feels I've been betrayed. Clearly, I wouldn't do it behind her back, in case you are worried, however, I have nowhere to turn. It’s not something you can just talk about either.
Thank you for reading, and wherever you are in your journey, I hope Christmas is an ‘ok’ time for you.
I introduce myself as a happily married man of 20+ years with two wonderful children, though reading this forum seems to count for very little, too.
It is not my family or myself that I write about, though. It's a former colleague who has become a very good friend for many years, and is probably one of the most trusted people in my phone book. A senior professional, in a profession that requires ethics training, a 30+ year marriage, and two wonderful adult children. But for me, my mate.
This case is still going through the court system, and his family may well be on this forum, so I shall not share any specifics. Everyone deserves a fair trial and is innocent until proven guilty, and I would not want to prejudice that.
However... I'm totally broken, in a way I haven't felt since my Dad died. I trusted, and I respected this man. Clearly, what I now know as 'the knock' happened a few months into 2025, because he vanished (social media, phone, and work). Naturally, I made contact with the family, got the new phone number, and guessed that there was some investigation. Given the nature of our work (nothing to do with children, all finance/commercial), it's not completely unheard of for there to be investigations. He assured me that work and family were being supportive, so it made sense that it was a professional investigation.
A couple of months ago, he reappeared online, although no longer with his employer. He assured me it was a work-related matter, he was under NDA, but had left. This all made perfect sense. We chatted for over two hours. My wife joined us, and we said how relieved we were to see him back. We spoke about family and new business ventures. It was a wonderful conversation, and I felt relieved that my buddy and his family were fine.
About a month later (I'm being as vague as I can with dates), I became aware of a Magistrates' Court entry, details 'blank'. Courtserve, however, showed more detail. You will no doubt know what I found. He promised to call me, but he didn't. I wrote to the Court Service and got the charges and the number of images. I can't even write about that anymore as I’m so devastated.
My wife is furious and feels I was taken for a ride. Wants me to have nothing more to do with him, my brother (who he knew), exactly the same - walk away, don't get involved.
Through the limited text exchanges, I believe my friend's wife knows (I presume she was there when the police came), but the two adult children do not. Therefore, I'm not sure I feel lied to, IF it was for the purpose of damage limitation (although I have no idea how this won’t hit the press).
For the avoidance of any doubt, if my friend is pleads or is found guilty I am not a sypathiser, I do not in any way have any time for what he has done and I believe he should have the book thrown at him and face the consequences, especially as he cannot say he didn't know better (I am not a psychiatric specialist though).
My question is this: do I keep my distance now, wait for the sentencing, and if guilty, walk away, or do I try to find a way to support? I don't want him to ever offend again, I don't want him to kill himself, and I want him to face the full punishment for what he's done. I also want him to be honest about what isn't known. My understanding is that this is often the tip of the iceberg.
I have questions. I want to look him in the eye and ask him things. I want to support the family. Sure, I want to scream at him, but he must know how much trouble he's in and what he’s thrown away.
But here's the thing: is it for him or for me? Is it just my grief, shock, and anger? If you'd asked me about this situation a year ago, I'd say "I'd never want anything to do with a sex offender", but if you'd asked me a year ago if I ever thought 'Friend X' would be found with.... I wouldn’t have believed it.
I don't want to make a horrific sexist comment here, but does anyone have any experience of men supporting other men here, and whether they should, or whether they should just walk away? I can't afford to get professionally entangled here, but I also want to challenge someone I respected so deeply.
I really hope this doesn't come across as endorsing what he has likely done; I'm just lost, confused, angry, and in disbelief. Reading the posts on here has been a mix of helpfulness and profound sadness at the extent to which it goes on.
My male friend and two former female colleagues formed a very happy group of four who met for drinks 2-3 times a year. We are all parents. My two former female colleagues are saying we really should still have a Christmas drink (just the three of us). As a man, but also a Dad of a daughter, I'm really struggling to do that - how can any man be trusted, and I am one....
Sorry for my incoherent ramble, I just feel so lost, and understandably so, the conversation is banned at home. My wife feels I've been betrayed. Clearly, I wouldn't do it behind her back, in case you are worried, however, I have nowhere to turn. It’s not something you can just talk about either.
Thank you for reading, and wherever you are in your journey, I hope Christmas is an ‘ok’ time for you.
What you now know is a shocking and painful thing to find out about someone you trust. There is no right or wrong way to feel and no single right answer to your dilemma.
I'm here because of my son, who has friends who've continued to love and support him throughout his journey and friends who have walked away wanting nothing more to do with him. My son knows be did a terrible thing and blames no one but himself for lost friendships and relationships.
Only you can decide what you feel is right for you. You’re allowed to walk away if that’s what you need to do. Ending or distancing yourself from a friendship in this situation doesn’t make you disloyal or unkind — it can simply mean you’re protecting yourself and doing what you feel is right.
Alternatively, if you choose to continue your friendship and support him it doesn't mean you approve of his actions, you can hate his poor decision making and behaviour but still love the person.
You might find it helpful to contact the Stop it now helpline to talk things through with one of the advisors. Take your time, you don't need to make any permanent decion right now and if you make the wrong decision you can change your mind at a later time if you want to.
Whatever you choose, it should be your choice and not something driven by pressure — either to abandon him or to stand by him.
Hello
I've just read your post and whilst I tend not to post myself at all these days or even read as I do find it very triggering here, I really want to respond. Your post is so moving and what really struck me is that your response to the situation of your friend shows very clearly that it is a loving response. Absolutely your response is one of love. Of course it is different to the response of a partner but all the things you are feeling, betrayal, disbelief, sadness, disgust, confusion, hurt... that is everything a wife or partner would be feeling. So what I mean is you sound like a very good friend. Have you considered doing the Inform course? It's is excellent, and well worth the time investment of however many weeks it takes, I think from memory it is once a week for about 6 weeks? It will really help you to understand how your friend ended up where he did. I found myself when I was reading your post, wishing that my partner had a friend like you. In fact we do have friends like you, but for now they just don't know. He may well have, but as no one knows, for now, we don't have any support. One of the many things that I took from the Inform course was that very good people can do very bad things. This offense is horrific but supporting someone does not mean that we condone what they did. This is the crux of it for me. As you will know from reading on here this is a long process so you do have time to work out what to do and how you can support your friend or not. I guess it is more complicated by the fact that your wife has such a different opinion but maybe she would do the course with you? This is a dreadful offence and is becoming so prevalent that so many men, mostly, are falling prey to it. The numbers are massive, and growing. That tells me that it is a deep and societal problem. Like everyone on here id have never dreamt I'd be here...but for myself I try now every day to see the person, before the crime, and I do believe in rehabilitation.
I've just read your post and whilst I tend not to post myself at all these days or even read as I do find it very triggering here, I really want to respond. Your post is so moving and what really struck me is that your response to the situation of your friend shows very clearly that it is a loving response. Absolutely your response is one of love. Of course it is different to the response of a partner but all the things you are feeling, betrayal, disbelief, sadness, disgust, confusion, hurt... that is everything a wife or partner would be feeling. So what I mean is you sound like a very good friend. Have you considered doing the Inform course? It's is excellent, and well worth the time investment of however many weeks it takes, I think from memory it is once a week for about 6 weeks? It will really help you to understand how your friend ended up where he did. I found myself when I was reading your post, wishing that my partner had a friend like you. In fact we do have friends like you, but for now they just don't know. He may well have, but as no one knows, for now, we don't have any support. One of the many things that I took from the Inform course was that very good people can do very bad things. This offense is horrific but supporting someone does not mean that we condone what they did. This is the crux of it for me. As you will know from reading on here this is a long process so you do have time to work out what to do and how you can support your friend or not. I guess it is more complicated by the fact that your wife has such a different opinion but maybe she would do the course with you? This is a dreadful offence and is becoming so prevalent that so many men, mostly, are falling prey to it. The numbers are massive, and growing. That tells me that it is a deep and societal problem. Like everyone on here id have never dreamt I'd be here...but for myself I try now every day to see the person, before the crime, and I do believe in rehabilitation.
I am sorry you find yourself here. The support of male friends means an awful lot to my husband. Two of his three best friends have chosen to support him. I think they understand the complex nature of these offences and are capable of separating the person from the behaviour.
It's interesting that our female friends and relatives have found forgiveness or acceptance more straightforward than the males. I don't know why but I think about it a lot.
sending you strength and hugs whatever you decide.
xxx
It's interesting that our female friends and relatives have found forgiveness or acceptance more straightforward than the males. I don't know why but I think about it a lot.
sending you strength and hugs whatever you decide.
xxx
1st of all sorry you find yourself here , it is a dau ting process but this site is helpful for many , my young person had the support of my ex partner and I know it meant the world to him he has no males in his life , and my dad , and thats it if you feel you want to be a part of.his life still then that is entirely upto you and if not then the same goes , the shock is so hard to come by x
Hello,
I just wanted to give a completely different perspective that others above have given. If you still care for your friend and are thinking about supporting him, until you know the outcome, then please do.
My person was acquitted for the same offense at trial, however within the two years of waiting for the trial to arrive, he lost all of his friends. They didn't want to take the time to hear him out, how he didn't actually have a clue the pictures were there. It has now been proven with evidence that he didn't put them there, they have never been opened on his phone and he actually had no way of opening them anyway. They were found in the cache of his phone from a website where he steamed football, the pictures attached onto his phone in the background without him having a clue
Obviously, it was such a relief to us all when this was proven. Our lives have somewhat returned to normal. However, he has still lost of all his friends as he is now at a stage of not wanting to now them, as they didn't believe him and pushed him out of their lives before even having the chance to hear the truth. It felt horrendous for him knowing the truth, but not being believed.
So yeah, sorry about the long post. I know that sadly a lot of people on this forum have negative experiences of the crime actually being committed. The sole reason I visit this forum sometimes is to provide advice in situations like this, where it is unknown what has happened or innocence is involved. I hope I have provided you with a different perspective and I wish you well in whatver you chose to do.
I just wanted to give a completely different perspective that others above have given. If you still care for your friend and are thinking about supporting him, until you know the outcome, then please do.
My person was acquitted for the same offense at trial, however within the two years of waiting for the trial to arrive, he lost all of his friends. They didn't want to take the time to hear him out, how he didn't actually have a clue the pictures were there. It has now been proven with evidence that he didn't put them there, they have never been opened on his phone and he actually had no way of opening them anyway. They were found in the cache of his phone from a website where he steamed football, the pictures attached onto his phone in the background without him having a clue
Obviously, it was such a relief to us all when this was proven. Our lives have somewhat returned to normal. However, he has still lost of all his friends as he is now at a stage of not wanting to now them, as they didn't believe him and pushed him out of their lives before even having the chance to hear the truth. It felt horrendous for him knowing the truth, but not being believed.
So yeah, sorry about the long post. I know that sadly a lot of people on this forum have negative experiences of the crime actually being committed. The sole reason I visit this forum sometimes is to provide advice in situations like this, where it is unknown what has happened or innocence is involved. I hope I have provided you with a different perspective and I wish you well in whatver you chose to do.
My husband of 30+ years was found with a photo on his phone of his best friends daughter. He claims he doesn't remember taking it which is bullshit as far as I'm concerned. He certainly doesn't deserve any friends so not surprised everyone dropped him like a stone.
Took me a while but I did too. That sounds harsh but I had to do it for myself, to distance myself and to have some chance of a normal life.
I hope you find a resolution and it was good to hear a different perspective
Took me a while but I did too. That sounds harsh but I had to do it for myself, to distance myself and to have some chance of a normal life.
I hope you find a resolution and it was good to hear a different perspective
Sorry for the delayed response. Just flown back from a work trip (and it's cold here), I didn't want to access this site from the UAE.
Firstly, thank you so much for the heartfelt messages and time you have taken to respond to me; it means a lot.
I can't share too much here (I will when it becomes public); however, based on the brief messages we've exchanged, I don't believe this is about temporary files in the cache. This is no accident.
I won't go behind my wife's back; however, she's made it clear she doesn't want to see his face or hear his voice. I feel a bit torn, in that I don't really like any communication with him that could be deemed 'secret' either, so first and foremost, I will work that through with my wife.
I want him to take his punishment when it comes, and he's said he would. I don't know what or who to trust, though. Most importantly, I don't want him ever to do it again, and as much as it makes me SICK, from what I've read, pushing this underground can make it worse.
The other thing I need to work through is whether I'm doing this for myself or him. I'd love to come across all saintly and say I'm doing it to support him, but I also don't want to read it all in the press. I've got the charge sheet from the Court Service, I know the alleged offence, part of me wants to eyeball him and ask him to tell me the truth - but why, I think maybe because I feel lied to, which isn't the right reason.
Thank you for highlighting the course and doing it with my wife. Will speak to her; she is a teacher, and ultimately, I need to respect her - I am not sure she will condone the engagement. This feels like a bereavement; the person I thought I knew is dead, yet they are still here.
Due to his standing in society, this WILL make the press. Right now, I suspect only a handful of people know. I have a strong suspicion his own (adult) children don't. He can probably deal with this for now, but when the world knows, that is going to add a whole new dimension. I have not reached out to his children or his wife, as I don't want to get embroiled or be the one to communicate this, but I also worry about them. His poor wife may have supportive friends; however, I suspect this is really a huge secret.
Nightmare!
Thank you for reading/listening and offering wise counsel.
I wish everyone a peaceful Christmas.
Firstly, thank you so much for the heartfelt messages and time you have taken to respond to me; it means a lot.
I can't share too much here (I will when it becomes public); however, based on the brief messages we've exchanged, I don't believe this is about temporary files in the cache. This is no accident.
I won't go behind my wife's back; however, she's made it clear she doesn't want to see his face or hear his voice. I feel a bit torn, in that I don't really like any communication with him that could be deemed 'secret' either, so first and foremost, I will work that through with my wife.
I want him to take his punishment when it comes, and he's said he would. I don't know what or who to trust, though. Most importantly, I don't want him ever to do it again, and as much as it makes me SICK, from what I've read, pushing this underground can make it worse.
The other thing I need to work through is whether I'm doing this for myself or him. I'd love to come across all saintly and say I'm doing it to support him, but I also don't want to read it all in the press. I've got the charge sheet from the Court Service, I know the alleged offence, part of me wants to eyeball him and ask him to tell me the truth - but why, I think maybe because I feel lied to, which isn't the right reason.
Thank you for highlighting the course and doing it with my wife. Will speak to her; she is a teacher, and ultimately, I need to respect her - I am not sure she will condone the engagement. This feels like a bereavement; the person I thought I knew is dead, yet they are still here.
Due to his standing in society, this WILL make the press. Right now, I suspect only a handful of people know. I have a strong suspicion his own (adult) children don't. He can probably deal with this for now, but when the world knows, that is going to add a whole new dimension. I have not reached out to his children or his wife, as I don't want to get embroiled or be the one to communicate this, but I also worry about them. His poor wife may have supportive friends; however, I suspect this is really a huge secret.
Nightmare!
Thank you for reading/listening and offering wise counsel.
I wish everyone a peaceful Christmas.