Family and Friends Forum

On Thursday morning my whole world fell apart when 3 officers knocked on my door to arrest my husband who was in bed. We have been together 10 years and I am 36 weeks pregnant with a baby they told me I would never have and after the loss of our first miracle in February. This pregnancy has involved numerous scares the main of which was that I was unexpectedly rushed to hospital in July and told I need emergency surgery to save my life but my baby would die. We both miraculously survived.

At first my husband was claiming innocence that he had been talking in a forum and on apps trying to find help on why he was lacking libido which might i add i knew nothing about for the apparent year and a half he's been doing it (obviously libido i did but not his use of forums etc and the secret snapchat he then created) and then people put things in his head about possibly liking men. He said on one occasion he sent a couple of messages to a guy but realised that wasn't what he was into and on another he had a few messages and pictures backwards and forwards with a woman. Might I add the messages to the woman were a few weeks after me and his unborn child came home from hospital after nearly dying and I was upstairs recovering while he was doing it. He claims it did nothing for him, he tried to get hard but couldn't. He said the child images thing was that one guy had sent an indecent image unsolicited into one of the groups and then someone had done the same with 2 pictures in another group. That was his story for the first few days despite my begging and pleading for the truth.

Until yesterday when the social worker suggested there was more to it so I rang him hysterical and he admitted that there was more sexual conversations than he first told me and that on one occasion a woman asked him for pics of underage girls and told him if he gave her some she would do whatever he wanted so he went into the group where he knew he had seen the 2 pictures and sent her them. My heart completely shattered and again I begged and pleaded for the truth to be told that was really it and he only kept that from me in the hopes that I wouldn't find out before our son was born so he could hold him just once and as selfish as that was it broke my heart.

Only to then be told by the police today im still not fully aware of everything. I asked him again and he insisted he couldn't remember anything else because it must have been times when he was drunk. I said that was no excuse at all. I asked if he had knowingly spoken to underage girls sexually and he said no but then told me maybe he had but couldn't remember cause he was drunk. After prying it out of him all day he finally admitted he knew from the beginning some of them were underage before having sexual conversations, insisting 15 is the youngest. I feel physically sick and can't possibly take another blow when I think it's already as bad as it gets but i know there probably will be.

He is still insisting none of it had sexual motives he just enjoyed the feeling of controlling people but not even in a sexual way just in general. He says he only wanked twice and it wasn't over the actual people or pictures or anything just the sense of control he had if people did what he told them. Which if you knew him would be shocking enough because everyone says he's too laid back for his own good.

I keep finding reasons to blame myself despite what people say.

He has 3 adult kids already and grandchildren older than the girls he's spoken to and I have to keep breaking their hearts everyday with more news. Im trying to take care of myself so I don't go into labour. The house is only in his name but hes saying I can still live there and he'll pay the mortgage because I don't think I can face losing the one sense of home I have left but I don't know if thats the right thing to do. We had just finished decorating our babies nursery! I dont know how to go on, I love him so much and never wanted to be without him but that is obviously never gonna happen now because he's a vile human being. What about the kids? What if people find out? What about finances? Our son won't know his father. How do I live day to day without my rock when I suffer so badly with mental health?

If you've made it this far I really appreciate it, sorry it's so much but my head is spinning and my world is upside down and nobody can understand but people who have been there.

Thanks