Telling children after 10 year no contact
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I've never reached out to anyone that's been through anything similar to me before. People close to me know and I occasionally discuss it but I think careful before telling anyone new.
My then husband got the 'knock' in 2015. Our kids were 1 and a baby at the time and I wasn't at home. I got to him telling me what had happened as various forms of technology had been removed. Possessing all categories of indecent images of both sexes including under the age of 5. Initially believed him when he said he just didn't know how they got there. The police were great and eventually very gently through revealing certain details made me realise that he was very much guilty. SS said I had no choice but to get him to leave the home and have supervised access by his mother at her house (which is where he moved to) in this time. The police revealed at one point that when asked if it could have been me his answer was 'it could have been' this was when I realised he was guilty. I had to then also be interviewed by police which was awful.
I left him and brought the children to see him at his mums house but never left them there without me. He entered not guilty but changed to guilty at the last minute to try and avoid a custodial sentence. He was sentenced to SHPO and to be in the register for 5 years, I think anything handed to him is now 'spent'. At this point I stopped him seeing the children. I received one solicitors letter which my solicitor responded to saying there would be no contact and that was that. They are now 11 and 12 and ask a lot of questions about their dad and why they don't see him. The time is coming where I may need to explain why but I have no idea how to do this or how to deal with the possible fall out. It'll be 10 years in Jan since he last saw them or I last heard from him. I'm terrified that at some point he'll come out of the woodwork askin to see the children (I realise this is probably unlikely but doesn't stop me worrying)
The kids don't remember him being babies when they last saw him. Has anyone got any advice around telling pre-teen children?
My then husband got the 'knock' in 2015. Our kids were 1 and a baby at the time and I wasn't at home. I got to him telling me what had happened as various forms of technology had been removed. Possessing all categories of indecent images of both sexes including under the age of 5. Initially believed him when he said he just didn't know how they got there. The police were great and eventually very gently through revealing certain details made me realise that he was very much guilty. SS said I had no choice but to get him to leave the home and have supervised access by his mother at her house (which is where he moved to) in this time. The police revealed at one point that when asked if it could have been me his answer was 'it could have been' this was when I realised he was guilty. I had to then also be interviewed by police which was awful.
I left him and brought the children to see him at his mums house but never left them there without me. He entered not guilty but changed to guilty at the last minute to try and avoid a custodial sentence. He was sentenced to SHPO and to be in the register for 5 years, I think anything handed to him is now 'spent'. At this point I stopped him seeing the children. I received one solicitors letter which my solicitor responded to saying there would be no contact and that was that. They are now 11 and 12 and ask a lot of questions about their dad and why they don't see him. The time is coming where I may need to explain why but I have no idea how to do this or how to deal with the possible fall out. It'll be 10 years in Jan since he last saw them or I last heard from him. I'm terrified that at some point he'll come out of the woodwork askin to see the children (I realise this is probably unlikely but doesn't stop me worrying)
The kids don't remember him being babies when they last saw him. Has anyone got any advice around telling pre-teen children?
1. An Exceptional Children’s Guide to Touch – Hunter Manasco (no age specified, but for young children, especially those with special needs)
2.Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept – Jayneen Sanders (3+)
3.It’s My Body – Lory Freeman (3–6 years)
4.Your Body Belongs to You – Cornelia Spelman (3–6 years)
5.My Body Belongs to Me – Jill Starishevsky (3–10 years)
6.Tell Somebody it Happened to Me – Nancy Flowers (4–10 years)
7.Come and Tell Me (Be sensible—and safe) – Helen Hollick (5–10 years)
8.Feeling Happy Feeling Safe (A safety guide for young children) – Michelle Elliott(6–11 years)
9. A Very Touching Book (for little people and for big people) – Jan Hindman (8–12 years)10. Let’s Talk About Sex (Growing up, changing bodies, sex and sexual health) – Robie H. Harris (Pre-teens and teenagers)There are also NSPCC guides to having difficult conversations xxx
2.Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept – Jayneen Sanders (3+)
3.It’s My Body – Lory Freeman (3–6 years)
4.Your Body Belongs to You – Cornelia Spelman (3–6 years)
5.My Body Belongs to Me – Jill Starishevsky (3–10 years)
6.Tell Somebody it Happened to Me – Nancy Flowers (4–10 years)
7.Come and Tell Me (Be sensible—and safe) – Helen Hollick (5–10 years)
8.Feeling Happy Feeling Safe (A safety guide for young children) – Michelle Elliott(6–11 years)
9. A Very Touching Book (for little people and for big people) – Jan Hindman (8–12 years)10. Let’s Talk About Sex (Growing up, changing bodies, sex and sexual health) – Robie H. Harris (Pre-teens and teenagers)There are also NSPCC guides to having difficult conversations xxx
I told mine post-arrest but before doing so spoke to a children's therapist who specialised in childhood trauma. Her advice was to be as honest as possible in a na age appropriate way, due to the way the curriculum works your children may well have already begun sex education and had lessons around internet safety, porn and relationships. A good port of call when starting this process is also talking to the head teacher or safeguarding lead at your children's school and explaining that you feel you need to talk to the children so as to protect them and prepare them for any future circumstances, I explained right off the bat that they had no contact and I had no plans to grant any contact and that helped reassure them that the children were protected and that this was just to further protect them. They may offer some advice about what your children have heard in school about porn etc. Which will help you pitch your discussion at the right level. They may also offer to be neutral parties or there may be a school counsellor/pastoral support so that fu your children want to talk about what they've discussed with you to someone neutral at school they have that safe space open to them.
We started by talking about relationships and me figuring out what they knew about sex and relationships and porn then we talked a little bit about porn and if they knew that sometimes unfortunately children are abused in this way and it's filmed or photographed and then put online and then we talked about why that's very wrong, how it harms not only the children in the images but lots of other children and societies perception of children and that unfortunately their dad accessed this material online, and why that means he could be a danger to them. We also talked about that all their memories of him are valid and at the time we thought he was a good person but unfortunately he was hiding a danger that we didn't know and he was doing these things that put us all at risk willingly.
We talked about relationships in general and legal porn and that if they are thinking about accessing porn at any point how much I would really like them to come and talk to me and we can think about it together.
One day our children will be adults and unfortunately we lose the ability to protect them as much, so it's important that they are armed with the facts and a realistic view of why their dad might be a danger to them, the fact he built a secret life so has a tendency to lie etc.
We started by talking about relationships and me figuring out what they knew about sex and relationships and porn then we talked a little bit about porn and if they knew that sometimes unfortunately children are abused in this way and it's filmed or photographed and then put online and then we talked about why that's very wrong, how it harms not only the children in the images but lots of other children and societies perception of children and that unfortunately their dad accessed this material online, and why that means he could be a danger to them. We also talked about that all their memories of him are valid and at the time we thought he was a good person but unfortunately he was hiding a danger that we didn't know and he was doing these things that put us all at risk willingly.
We talked about relationships in general and legal porn and that if they are thinking about accessing porn at any point how much I would really like them to come and talk to me and we can think about it together.
One day our children will be adults and unfortunately we lose the ability to protect them as much, so it's important that they are armed with the facts and a realistic view of why their dad might be a danger to them, the fact he built a secret life so has a tendency to lie etc.