What now?
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Its been just over a week since the knock.
OH of 10 years has been snap chatting for a few months. Some of them sexually. 1 was 16. He said he never asked for images etc but recieved (what i think would be C) he doesnt think he sent any to the 16 year old.
He is on bail. Owned up to everything with the police. Devices taken for interigation.
He is not allowed to sleep in an abode with an under 18 or have unsupervised contact with an under 18. We have a 7 year old who we have told Daddy is working nights until we know what is going to happen.
Whats the advice. We know his bail will be extended. As he admitted it he will be charged. No previous so i'm hoping not custodial. But will he be allowed home? The police said they didn't see anything that suggested he was a risk to our daughter.
He's staying in homeless shelters at the moment and coming home during the day for us to try to find a new normal.
I haven't dealt with emotions yet, just practicalities ie can i keep our house. Will i lose my job ( clearence needed).
He's a good dad and generally apart from this a good husband. I dont know if i will standby him but still want him in our lives.
What happens now, what should i do now?
Any advice- similar offence out comes greatly appreciated.
OH of 10 years has been snap chatting for a few months. Some of them sexually. 1 was 16. He said he never asked for images etc but recieved (what i think would be C) he doesnt think he sent any to the 16 year old.
He is on bail. Owned up to everything with the police. Devices taken for interigation.
He is not allowed to sleep in an abode with an under 18 or have unsupervised contact with an under 18. We have a 7 year old who we have told Daddy is working nights until we know what is going to happen.
Whats the advice. We know his bail will be extended. As he admitted it he will be charged. No previous so i'm hoping not custodial. But will he be allowed home? The police said they didn't see anything that suggested he was a risk to our daughter.
He's staying in homeless shelters at the moment and coming home during the day for us to try to find a new normal.
I haven't dealt with emotions yet, just practicalities ie can i keep our house. Will i lose my job ( clearence needed).
He's a good dad and generally apart from this a good husband. I dont know if i will standby him but still want him in our lives.
What happens now, what should i do now?
Any advice- similar offence out comes greatly appreciated.
Hi Ginger and welcome - the club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of.
My OH of 20 years case is very similar to yours - chatting on Snapchat to adults as a way of coping with the stress and depression that he was hiding from me. As time went on he became less careful about who he was talking to and ultimately he had a conversation with a police decoy posing as an underage teen.
Forensics found 2 IIOC which had been sent to him during other conversations
He was on bail for 9 months until forensics were completed then charged. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced in November this year - unpaid work, SOR, SHPO etc. not custodial or suspended.
We don't have any under 18s in the home but he was prevented from seeing the grandkids by the bail conditions. His SHPO prevents him from entering into or remaining in a household with under 18s without express permission from Social Services (which we have gained for the grandkids).
In your case it will be down to child services when he is allowed back into the family home, and there are plenty of mums on here who can advise you on that score.
Sending you love xxx
My OH of 20 years case is very similar to yours - chatting on Snapchat to adults as a way of coping with the stress and depression that he was hiding from me. As time went on he became less careful about who he was talking to and ultimately he had a conversation with a police decoy posing as an underage teen.
Forensics found 2 IIOC which had been sent to him during other conversations
He was on bail for 9 months until forensics were completed then charged. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced in November this year - unpaid work, SOR, SHPO etc. not custodial or suspended.
We don't have any under 18s in the home but he was prevented from seeing the grandkids by the bail conditions. His SHPO prevents him from entering into or remaining in a household with under 18s without express permission from Social Services (which we have gained for the grandkids).
In your case it will be down to child services when he is allowed back into the family home, and there are plenty of mums on here who can advise you on that score.
Sending you love xxx
Lostinthewoods thank you.
Its been 2 weeks now. I haven't dealth with emotions yet, just praticalities. Ie can i still keep my house on just my wage etc.
I need to talk though the betrayal and how he's ruined our lives and why!!! Did he feel any guilt at all? Did he only stop because of the knock. ( all things i need to discuss with him when the holidays are over and our dauggter is back at school) and work out what the right thing is to with telling people. I dont want to spread the news but i dont want our friends to feel betrayed if and when they find out. Don't they have a right to know that they are hanging out with someone who will be charged for this and make an informed choice if they want to still be friends?!
This post thanking for the support has become a bit of a rant at him.
Does anyone know if they can request their phone number back or if that is frowned upon. It would be helpful to unlock things that he has set up but dont want it to look bad
Its been 2 weeks now. I haven't dealth with emotions yet, just praticalities. Ie can i still keep my house on just my wage etc.
I need to talk though the betrayal and how he's ruined our lives and why!!! Did he feel any guilt at all? Did he only stop because of the knock. ( all things i need to discuss with him when the holidays are over and our dauggter is back at school) and work out what the right thing is to with telling people. I dont want to spread the news but i dont want our friends to feel betrayed if and when they find out. Don't they have a right to know that they are hanging out with someone who will be charged for this and make an informed choice if they want to still be friends?!
This post thanking for the support has become a bit of a rant at him.
Does anyone know if they can request their phone number back or if that is frowned upon. It would be helpful to unlock things that he has set up but dont want it to look bad
We asked for the SIM card to be returned but it was too late - so we spent ages resetting all his apps etc to a new number and cancelled the original SIM with the provider. It was a pain in the ass to be fair.
Don't worry about ranting - it's still very early days for you. You are doing the right thing by waiting before making any major decisions.
We have only told our adult kids - but none of our friends have children. I do sometimes wonder if they would still be our friends if they knew or if they would be supportive. As far as we know nothing was ever reported in the press or online.
Don't worry about ranting - it's still very early days for you. You are doing the right thing by waiting before making any major decisions.
We have only told our adult kids - but none of our friends have children. I do sometimes wonder if they would still be our friends if they knew or if they would be supportive. As far as we know nothing was ever reported in the press or online.
Pretty similar to our situation but our son is younger - I had told a few people but I do honestly regret it. You don't know how people will respond and I hate feeling pitied and people constantly wanting to know where I stand in my marriage and what that infers about me.
and it means my husband is too ashamed or fearful to be around other people who know (or even those who don't) which makes life even harder considering already having to supervise and having no time to yourself is rough.
i hope you get some answers and get to have a proper conversation. I went into full practical survival mode- found him a place nearby to rent, started divorce, dealt with social services and encouraged therapy etc.
It's only now 3 months later that the dust is settling. I think it's also worth knowing that however much empathy you can have for how this came about, they have put you and your family at risk. I found myself wobbling on my decision to divorce until last week when I found him on all sorts of hookup apps and onlyfans. They will keep on with the behaviour until they take responsibility.
i hope you get some answers - with regard to friends knowing, he's not been near any of our friends with kids so that I can be confident that no one will feel they were at risk if it all comes out.
wishing you the best.
and it means my husband is too ashamed or fearful to be around other people who know (or even those who don't) which makes life even harder considering already having to supervise and having no time to yourself is rough.
i hope you get some answers and get to have a proper conversation. I went into full practical survival mode- found him a place nearby to rent, started divorce, dealt with social services and encouraged therapy etc.
It's only now 3 months later that the dust is settling. I think it's also worth knowing that however much empathy you can have for how this came about, they have put you and your family at risk. I found myself wobbling on my decision to divorce until last week when I found him on all sorts of hookup apps and onlyfans. They will keep on with the behaviour until they take responsibility.
i hope you get some answers - with regard to friends knowing, he's not been near any of our friends with kids so that I can be confident that no one will feel they were at risk if it all comes out.
wishing you the best.
Sorry I meant to say we immediately got a new phone second hand and then went to the provider and just said we'd lost the phone and he wanted to get the same number and we did.
Thank you both. I will ask the police for the sim back or of thats a no go change the number back.
Also will limit who i tell unless nessessary.
Also will limit who i tell unless nessessary.
I wonder if anyone has stayed with their other half.
If he is allowed im thinking of letting him move back in, but not into the space room. So that he is still an active part of our family.
Does it work. Can things ever return to being ok even good again?
Also is there anyone who gives advice on how to/what to tell children?
If he is allowed im thinking of letting him move back in, but not into the space room. So that he is still an active part of our family.
Does it work. Can things ever return to being ok even good again?
Also is there anyone who gives advice on how to/what to tell children?
Hi ginger,
I just see your comment about wondering if anyone has stayed with their other half and how that worked.
We're 3 years into this hell now. We broke up to begin with, then we got back together after I knew he was telling me the truth about everything. He was then sentenced. He returned home briefly for a few months but then there was a whole ordeal with my partners probation officer repeatedly sending reports back to social services saying that he'd assessed him as high risk (he was moved to him by another probation officer who said he was low risk) they then come out and see he had watched porn after they inspected his phone. So said they didnt think he had learnt his lesson, that he had uncontrollable sexual urges and made him leave the home again. I told him id stay and work things through if he could swear to me he'd never watch anything like that again and prioritise being a better person. He had to prove to me he'd changed so that I could trust him around my children and we'd just see how things went. Its been almost a year and half of going back and forth with social services. Proving ourselves. My partner in therapy, doing various courses and me too. He hasn't watched anything in a year&half and is doing amazing. He is a completely different person and I see every day how hard he has tried continues to try to be a better man. Hes still not home full time, but social services are on board and are allowing us to take things at our own pace. However when I first told them I was staying with him it was absolute hell so be prepared for that. Just make it evidently clear that you will always put your child's safety first. That's all they want to see.
I just see your comment about wondering if anyone has stayed with their other half and how that worked.
We're 3 years into this hell now. We broke up to begin with, then we got back together after I knew he was telling me the truth about everything. He was then sentenced. He returned home briefly for a few months but then there was a whole ordeal with my partners probation officer repeatedly sending reports back to social services saying that he'd assessed him as high risk (he was moved to him by another probation officer who said he was low risk) they then come out and see he had watched porn after they inspected his phone. So said they didnt think he had learnt his lesson, that he had uncontrollable sexual urges and made him leave the home again. I told him id stay and work things through if he could swear to me he'd never watch anything like that again and prioritise being a better person. He had to prove to me he'd changed so that I could trust him around my children and we'd just see how things went. Its been almost a year and half of going back and forth with social services. Proving ourselves. My partner in therapy, doing various courses and me too. He hasn't watched anything in a year&half and is doing amazing. He is a completely different person and I see every day how hard he has tried continues to try to be a better man. Hes still not home full time, but social services are on board and are allowing us to take things at our own pace. However when I first told them I was staying with him it was absolute hell so be prepared for that. Just make it evidently clear that you will always put your child's safety first. That's all they want to see.