An uncertain year ahead
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Hi there
We received 'the knock' about 3-4 weeks ago (it's been a blur).
I've been scrolling the forum a bit but haven't yet found anyone else who reported their person themselves? I'd be interested to hear from you and how you are coping with the shock and guilt in having to do so.
There's a long history of lying from my other half and recently escalating behaviours (risky, stupid and hurtful but not involving minors up until this point), which resulted in me finding IIOC hidden on his laptop. I asked him to leave and reported him the same evening that I found them. I know that some might not agree with my decision but having seen the images myself (which will haunt me forever, especially knowing the purpose he had saved them for) I felt there really was no other option - I could not ignore it or sweep it under the carpet, otherwise I would be complicit.
From what I can gather, the images I found were likely Cat C, mostly AI generated, with the exception of one real image that was a commercial image of a child in a swimsuit, from a clothing store.
There were about 8 images in total and I would say that for at least half of them, the ages are ambiguous (probably because they were AI) but there were definitely some for which there is no doubt they were meant to portray pre-pubescent children.
To say I was and am disgusted is an understatement. Because of his recent lying and behaviours, I had snooped on his laptop, expecting to maybe find chats with other women, evidence of cheating or perhaps legal porn images but never imagined finding anything involving children.
Several devices have since been seized and he swears there's nothing else, but he lies about everything all the time, so it's impossible to predict what else may come out in investigation.
The lying in our relationship has always been an issue but aside from that and recent events, we have had a really loving relationship for over 15 years. At face value, he is such a caring, lovely, funny guy - the exact kind of person you would never expect to have such a dark secret. Both our families now know and we are all devastated.
He is very remorseful, 100% cooperating with the police and seeking to do all he can to get help and therapy.
I am so conflicted as to how to proceed with our relationship. I know it's early days and there are so many factors and uncertainties ahead that could change everything (such as if they find more evidence etc) but I can't help but flip flop between wondering if it could be possible to salvage our relationship or thinking that there's no way forward together.
At the moment, we are keeping things civil for the sake of our adult child. My partner's life is crumbling around him and I can't help but feel sorry for him, but at the same time, I am so angry at him for ruining not just his life but mine and others' around him too.
It's so strange and painful and lonely to be acting more like acquaintances or business colleagues now, when just a few months ago we were typical affectionate and loving partners (albeit having some difficulties towards the end).
I am doing my best to take things a day at time/one step at a time. I don't feel comfortable or ready to let him back into our home to live (and not sure if I ever will be) so we are living apart and slowly telling close friends that we are separated. Everyone is assuming that he's cheated and it's so hard not being able to tell the truth, but I need to protect our child and myself.
My next step is to try to negotiate separation of finances which I am anxious about. I am praying I won't end up forced to move (we rent) as I don't think I can handle any further upheaval right now.
I'm so scared of this going public. I've been trying to convince myself that this may not result in charges because the thought of it going to court terrifies me - I know that in our area, these kind of cases are reported on regularly and then shared in local social media groups - where the offenders are publicly shamed and ruined. We are both involved in our community and it will be a bloodbath. Although I know I've done nothing wrong, I am so scared of what I and my son may face by just being associated with him. But I know that the likelihood of a caution or less is super rare so I'm doing my best to be realistic. I also know that part will be much further down the line so trying not to let it consume me.
Sorry that this is such a long one. Thank you if you have read this. This is where my head is at right now and it feels good to get it out there. I'd appreciate any advice, or hearing about your experiences, outcomes and decisions (especially if any of my circumstances sound similar to yours) or if you have any encouragement.
We received 'the knock' about 3-4 weeks ago (it's been a blur).
I've been scrolling the forum a bit but haven't yet found anyone else who reported their person themselves? I'd be interested to hear from you and how you are coping with the shock and guilt in having to do so.
There's a long history of lying from my other half and recently escalating behaviours (risky, stupid and hurtful but not involving minors up until this point), which resulted in me finding IIOC hidden on his laptop. I asked him to leave and reported him the same evening that I found them. I know that some might not agree with my decision but having seen the images myself (which will haunt me forever, especially knowing the purpose he had saved them for) I felt there really was no other option - I could not ignore it or sweep it under the carpet, otherwise I would be complicit.
From what I can gather, the images I found were likely Cat C, mostly AI generated, with the exception of one real image that was a commercial image of a child in a swimsuit, from a clothing store.
There were about 8 images in total and I would say that for at least half of them, the ages are ambiguous (probably because they were AI) but there were definitely some for which there is no doubt they were meant to portray pre-pubescent children.
To say I was and am disgusted is an understatement. Because of his recent lying and behaviours, I had snooped on his laptop, expecting to maybe find chats with other women, evidence of cheating or perhaps legal porn images but never imagined finding anything involving children.
Several devices have since been seized and he swears there's nothing else, but he lies about everything all the time, so it's impossible to predict what else may come out in investigation.
The lying in our relationship has always been an issue but aside from that and recent events, we have had a really loving relationship for over 15 years. At face value, he is such a caring, lovely, funny guy - the exact kind of person you would never expect to have such a dark secret. Both our families now know and we are all devastated.
He is very remorseful, 100% cooperating with the police and seeking to do all he can to get help and therapy.
I am so conflicted as to how to proceed with our relationship. I know it's early days and there are so many factors and uncertainties ahead that could change everything (such as if they find more evidence etc) but I can't help but flip flop between wondering if it could be possible to salvage our relationship or thinking that there's no way forward together.
At the moment, we are keeping things civil for the sake of our adult child. My partner's life is crumbling around him and I can't help but feel sorry for him, but at the same time, I am so angry at him for ruining not just his life but mine and others' around him too.
It's so strange and painful and lonely to be acting more like acquaintances or business colleagues now, when just a few months ago we were typical affectionate and loving partners (albeit having some difficulties towards the end).
I am doing my best to take things a day at time/one step at a time. I don't feel comfortable or ready to let him back into our home to live (and not sure if I ever will be) so we are living apart and slowly telling close friends that we are separated. Everyone is assuming that he's cheated and it's so hard not being able to tell the truth, but I need to protect our child and myself.
My next step is to try to negotiate separation of finances which I am anxious about. I am praying I won't end up forced to move (we rent) as I don't think I can handle any further upheaval right now.
I'm so scared of this going public. I've been trying to convince myself that this may not result in charges because the thought of it going to court terrifies me - I know that in our area, these kind of cases are reported on regularly and then shared in local social media groups - where the offenders are publicly shamed and ruined. We are both involved in our community and it will be a bloodbath. Although I know I've done nothing wrong, I am so scared of what I and my son may face by just being associated with him. But I know that the likelihood of a caution or less is super rare so I'm doing my best to be realistic. I also know that part will be much further down the line so trying not to let it consume me.
Sorry that this is such a long one. Thank you if you have read this. This is where my head is at right now and it feels good to get it out there. I'd appreciate any advice, or hearing about your experiences, outcomes and decisions (especially if any of my circumstances sound similar to yours) or if you have any encouragement.
Hello BeyondBewildered,
I m sorry you find yourself here. I can absolutelly understand that you reported this and I guess I would have done the same tbf. I think you did the right thing honestly.
As my person is charged with a different crime I cannot give any advise on proveedings but I found a statistic report that I think is quite usefull:
https://www.csacentre.org.uk/app/uploads/2025/03/Child-sexual-abuse-in-2023-24-Trends-in-official-data.pdf
in the publication it says that 91% of prosecution result in conviction (page 38) and for the sentences it gives the folowing stats:
-19% prison
48% suspended sentence
32% community sentence
Others here on the forum said that around hundred IIOC is rather on the low end for tehse cases so if np further material is found the numbers your person will be charged for are comparably low I d guess.
I send you my best wishes
I m sorry you find yourself here. I can absolutelly understand that you reported this and I guess I would have done the same tbf. I think you did the right thing honestly.
As my person is charged with a different crime I cannot give any advise on proveedings but I found a statistic report that I think is quite usefull:
https://www.csacentre.org.uk/app/uploads/2025/03/Child-sexual-abuse-in-2023-24-Trends-in-official-data.pdf
in the publication it says that 91% of prosecution result in conviction (page 38) and for the sentences it gives the folowing stats:
-19% prison
48% suspended sentence
32% community sentence
Others here on the forum said that around hundred IIOC is rather on the low end for tehse cases so if np further material is found the numbers your person will be charged for are comparably low I d guess.
I send you my best wishes
I can hear the guilt in your tone, however this is NOT a victimless crime. It can also be a progressive crime - Cat C > Cat B > Cat A > Real Life. Images are of real children that have been abused and viewing (demand) creates the supply. Even AI, the machines are learning from the real thing.
Every time you get a guilty feeling - think of the 1, 2, 5, 10, 100, 1000........ real children that you might have protected from harm. You deserve a medal for being brave.
I think in 6 months to a years time when you read your message you will see it in different light. You speak about a happy relationship, but then lies, bad behaviours, and now this. That isn't a happy relationship [personal opinion of course].
You've done the right thing and you deserve better. So do the children abused in these crimes.
Keep the faith.
Every time you get a guilty feeling - think of the 1, 2, 5, 10, 100, 1000........ real children that you might have protected from harm. You deserve a medal for being brave.
I think in 6 months to a years time when you read your message you will see it in different light. You speak about a happy relationship, but then lies, bad behaviours, and now this. That isn't a happy relationship [personal opinion of course].
You've done the right thing and you deserve better. So do the children abused in these crimes.
Keep the faith.
Dear Forum Users,
We wanted to contribute to this thread to provide some information as we occasionally see debates and discussions about escalation of offending from internet offences to contact offences, both on this forum and elsewhere. While some individuals escalate their offending—extensive research shows that only a minority escalate their offending from accessing Child Sexual Abuse Material (CSAM) to committing contact sexual abuse. We have included some bullet points below of key research findings, which we hope will be of interest:
- Most people convicted of CSAM offences do not go on to commit contact sexual offences.
- In follow-up studies, only a small percentage later commit a contact offence (usually around 0.2%–2% over a few years).
- Some people have an increased risk of escalation - for example those with past contact offences, strong sexual interest in children, or antisocial traits.
For those whose offending is unknown or undetected by the authorities, anonymous surveys and voluntary treatment samples show higher risk when no intervention happens. In one study of people seeking help confidentially, about 14% later reported a contact offence, and 39% continued to view CSAM. Another study: a large darkweb survey found many users had tried to contact children online after viewing CSAM.
We know that detection and early support matter. Escalation is not inevitable, but we know that help and intervention is important to reduce re-offending in any form.
If you’d like to read some papers exploring risk, escalation and recividism in more detail, you can find links below.
Ahmad, N., et al. (2025). A Critical Systematic Review of Escalation/Crossover Offending in Online Child Sexual Exploitation. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. You can find a link here.
Babchishin, K. M., Hanson, R. K., & VanZuylen, H. (2015). Online child pornography offenders are different: A meta-analysis of the characteristics of online and offline sex offenders against children. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(1), 45–66. You can find a link here.
Goller, A., Jones, R., Dittmann, V., Taylor, P., & Graf, M. (2016). Criminal Recidivism of Illegal Pornography Offenders in the Overall Population—A National Cohort Study of 4612 Offenders in Switzerland. Advances in Applied Sociology, 6(2), 48–56. You can find a link here.
Insoll, T., et al. (2022). Risk Factors for CSAM Users Contacting Children Online: Results of an Anonymous Multilingual Survey on the Dark Web. Journal of Online Trust and Safety, 1(2). You can find a link here.
Seto, M. C., Hanson, R. K., & Babchishin, K. M. (2011). Contact sexual offending by men with online sexual offenses. Sexual Abuse, 23(1), 124–145. You can find a link here.
von Franqué, F., et al. (2023). Individuals under voluntary treatment with sexual interest in minors: what risk do they pose? Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14. You can find a link here.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
We wanted to contribute to this thread to provide some information as we occasionally see debates and discussions about escalation of offending from internet offences to contact offences, both on this forum and elsewhere. While some individuals escalate their offending—extensive research shows that only a minority escalate their offending from accessing Child Sexual Abuse Material (CSAM) to committing contact sexual abuse. We have included some bullet points below of key research findings, which we hope will be of interest:
- Most people convicted of CSAM offences do not go on to commit contact sexual offences.
- In follow-up studies, only a small percentage later commit a contact offence (usually around 0.2%–2% over a few years).
- Some people have an increased risk of escalation - for example those with past contact offences, strong sexual interest in children, or antisocial traits.
For those whose offending is unknown or undetected by the authorities, anonymous surveys and voluntary treatment samples show higher risk when no intervention happens. In one study of people seeking help confidentially, about 14% later reported a contact offence, and 39% continued to view CSAM. Another study: a large darkweb survey found many users had tried to contact children online after viewing CSAM.
We know that detection and early support matter. Escalation is not inevitable, but we know that help and intervention is important to reduce re-offending in any form.
If you’d like to read some papers exploring risk, escalation and recividism in more detail, you can find links below.
Ahmad, N., et al. (2025). A Critical Systematic Review of Escalation/Crossover Offending in Online Child Sexual Exploitation. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. You can find a link here.
Babchishin, K. M., Hanson, R. K., & VanZuylen, H. (2015). Online child pornography offenders are different: A meta-analysis of the characteristics of online and offline sex offenders against children. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(1), 45–66. You can find a link here.
Goller, A., Jones, R., Dittmann, V., Taylor, P., & Graf, M. (2016). Criminal Recidivism of Illegal Pornography Offenders in the Overall Population—A National Cohort Study of 4612 Offenders in Switzerland. Advances in Applied Sociology, 6(2), 48–56. You can find a link here.
Insoll, T., et al. (2022). Risk Factors for CSAM Users Contacting Children Online: Results of an Anonymous Multilingual Survey on the Dark Web. Journal of Online Trust and Safety, 1(2). You can find a link here.
Seto, M. C., Hanson, R. K., & Babchishin, K. M. (2011). Contact sexual offending by men with online sexual offenses. Sexual Abuse, 23(1), 124–145. You can find a link here.
von Franqué, F., et al. (2023). Individuals under voluntary treatment with sexual interest in minors: what risk do they pose? Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14. You can find a link here.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
Thank you for adding balance to this, it is reassuring reading and the links very helpful
Sorry if my post caused any offence, and I shouldn't have implied that one offence leads to another. The point I was attempting to make was that the OP did the right thing reporting, and they will never know what they managed to stop.
The links and research papers are helpful. Sorry for saying the wrong thing.
I still think the OP should be proud of what they did.
The links and research papers are helpful. Sorry for saying the wrong thing.
I still think the OP should be proud of what they did.
You 100% did the right thing reporting him.
Just to say that you 100% did the right thing. Never doubt that. His choices are to blame here.