I dont know what is going to happen
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Got knock 3 weeks ago for images/videos, Bail to not live with me and teen daughter and no unsupervised contact with u18. SS done interviews, oh told ss that police might find loads more!! then ss on holiday over christmas so heard nothing for two weeks - is this normal? Is it any indication that they might allow supervised contact? I told them I dont think my daughter is in any danger whatsoever which I now regret. Im still with him, he isnt living with us atm. SS asked who owns the house - joint, and said to me he must move away whatever that means (hes living close by atm and coming in the house daily) and that our home must be a safe space for d. Our relationship is destroyed but I want him to be there for our daughter. Please tell me it might get better some day because right now im just crying myself to sleep every night.
First off, its very early days. It will get better, honestly. The first few weeks are dreadful. It sounds like your OH is admitting to having a sizeable quantity of IIOC. As you probably know from this forum, the next step will be forensics coming back. That probably won't take much less than a year (my ex's took 18 months!). Given they'll definitely find enough to charge him - by his own admission- you can add on at least another 9 months for CPS, court dates etc. Then SS will be in no hurry to move forward. Sorry I know this is really depressing! Basically whatever happens in the longterm, you'll be a single parent for several years. So my advice is to start thinking like that -and planning for that. And you might be surprised how you feel in a year's time. In my case I learnt that actually I COULD do it, we could do it, the world wasn't ending. Hence my OH now being an ex.
Hi B'smum,
I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you no doubt had an awful Christmas as a result of the knock. It does get easier and it does get better. It is still early days, with us he wasn't allowed any contact the first 4 weeks (whilst ss got all their info etc) then it was supervised by my parents with me there too (while they sussed me out) then once I had built a relationship with the SW (few visits) I was fine to supervise and him come to the house and have dinner with us ect everyday. He now lives back with us. (He had Cat ABC)
Saying- I dont think my daughter is in any danger whatsoever. Is in hindsight a damn it moment BUT you were in shock, you are only human!! Have you called the stopitnow helpline-they are lovely, they will offer you support and you can also ask them to explain the risks towards your daughter to you and then tell SS that over the last 2 weeks you are managing to think about the bigger picture and see past your initial shock and initial instinct to stick up for your husband, that you can see now and understand more now that you have spoken to the helpline that anyone viewing iioc does then become a risk BUT you have also been thinking deeply about that risk, that your priority is first for daughters safety and then her happiness, how best she will be kept safe meaning she can also feel as happy as possible in this situation. That you have spoken to your daughter and disclosed what her father has done (doesn't need to be all the details but it is best she knows, especially as a teen as she will fine out) as you recognise that knowledge is power to help her to keep safe. That daughter has an excellent relationship with you and has your full support, if she wants to see him (you want ss to know you are acting on her interests not yours or her dad's) then you will do everything in your power to be her voice and ensure her happiness. Remind them that she is a teenager, that she understands abuse from her school classes and knows how to speak up, she isn't as vulnerable as a you get child with a lack of knowledge etc but you know she is still a child but her level of vulnerability can be easier to mitigate. Tell social services that from talking to your daughter and reflecting on the situation that the best action would be for you to supervise contact with your daughter and her father but you accept that the sw doesn't know you as a mother or know your family but that they is your aim at the moment. That this is all very damaging for her metal well being and that you want to reduce the damage wherever possible. Tell them you agree your home must be a safe space for you daughter and how you plan to make it as safe as possible (remove his key so he is only in the house when you are, he remains in the room you are in-not walking around the house alone or with your daughter, that your daughter has a say in how often she'd like to see him)
Whilst I was waiting for social services to decide what they would do in the very early days I used the printable safety plan on this website and wrote my own draft of a plan. I listed the risks I acknowledge (think how ss would think) and I then wrote how I would remove or reduce risks i.e - they no longer text or call each other-(I'm assuming your teen has a phone with his number in) but instead she uses your phone so their text conversations are supervised and you are there during phone calls.
In terms of where he lives now and what they say about him needing to move away. He is not living with you, it doesn't matter if he lives next door or in the next town, you will ensure he doesn't have free access to the house when your daughter is home. It's important for your daughter her dad is local as she would still like a relationship with him.
They will likely come and do a risk assessment with you, it's intense back and forth questions but just focus on your daughter. They want to know that what she wants is your priority and that you acknowledge the risk. If you Google protective parent SS assessment sex offence or similar it will likely come up with documents social workers use it you want to look at it to understand more what they will ask.
Deep breaths this part is horrible as you feel like a headless chicken and have no idea what is or will happen.
My teen sees the school councillors once a week, see if the school can prioritise organising a safe adult to build a relationship with her. It's going to be a long and sad road for her with lots of waiting around and worry unfortunately. SS will also be happy that you are ensuring she has support at school too.
Feel free to message me.
Best of luck x
I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you no doubt had an awful Christmas as a result of the knock. It does get easier and it does get better. It is still early days, with us he wasn't allowed any contact the first 4 weeks (whilst ss got all their info etc) then it was supervised by my parents with me there too (while they sussed me out) then once I had built a relationship with the SW (few visits) I was fine to supervise and him come to the house and have dinner with us ect everyday. He now lives back with us. (He had Cat ABC)
Saying- I dont think my daughter is in any danger whatsoever. Is in hindsight a damn it moment BUT you were in shock, you are only human!! Have you called the stopitnow helpline-they are lovely, they will offer you support and you can also ask them to explain the risks towards your daughter to you and then tell SS that over the last 2 weeks you are managing to think about the bigger picture and see past your initial shock and initial instinct to stick up for your husband, that you can see now and understand more now that you have spoken to the helpline that anyone viewing iioc does then become a risk BUT you have also been thinking deeply about that risk, that your priority is first for daughters safety and then her happiness, how best she will be kept safe meaning she can also feel as happy as possible in this situation. That you have spoken to your daughter and disclosed what her father has done (doesn't need to be all the details but it is best she knows, especially as a teen as she will fine out) as you recognise that knowledge is power to help her to keep safe. That daughter has an excellent relationship with you and has your full support, if she wants to see him (you want ss to know you are acting on her interests not yours or her dad's) then you will do everything in your power to be her voice and ensure her happiness. Remind them that she is a teenager, that she understands abuse from her school classes and knows how to speak up, she isn't as vulnerable as a you get child with a lack of knowledge etc but you know she is still a child but her level of vulnerability can be easier to mitigate. Tell social services that from talking to your daughter and reflecting on the situation that the best action would be for you to supervise contact with your daughter and her father but you accept that the sw doesn't know you as a mother or know your family but that they is your aim at the moment. That this is all very damaging for her metal well being and that you want to reduce the damage wherever possible. Tell them you agree your home must be a safe space for you daughter and how you plan to make it as safe as possible (remove his key so he is only in the house when you are, he remains in the room you are in-not walking around the house alone or with your daughter, that your daughter has a say in how often she'd like to see him)
Whilst I was waiting for social services to decide what they would do in the very early days I used the printable safety plan on this website and wrote my own draft of a plan. I listed the risks I acknowledge (think how ss would think) and I then wrote how I would remove or reduce risks i.e - they no longer text or call each other-(I'm assuming your teen has a phone with his number in) but instead she uses your phone so their text conversations are supervised and you are there during phone calls.
In terms of where he lives now and what they say about him needing to move away. He is not living with you, it doesn't matter if he lives next door or in the next town, you will ensure he doesn't have free access to the house when your daughter is home. It's important for your daughter her dad is local as she would still like a relationship with him.
They will likely come and do a risk assessment with you, it's intense back and forth questions but just focus on your daughter. They want to know that what she wants is your priority and that you acknowledge the risk. If you Google protective parent SS assessment sex offence or similar it will likely come up with documents social workers use it you want to look at it to understand more what they will ask.
Deep breaths this part is horrible as you feel like a headless chicken and have no idea what is or will happen.
My teen sees the school councillors once a week, see if the school can prioritise organising a safe adult to build a relationship with her. It's going to be a long and sad road for her with lots of waiting around and worry unfortunately. SS will also be happy that you are ensuring she has support at school too.
Feel free to message me.
Best of luck x