Reeling from a disclosure
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I'm a single parent and have been in a very loving, happy relationship with someone for 7 months and have had nothing but a positive gut feeling about this person. Just a waving green flag of a human being.
However, I had a knock on the door this week from the local police forces' Offender Management team who came to disclose a conviction for an online offence in 2023. For context, the team only met him for the first time last Friday as he's low risk and he'd moved counties so was only just due an annual visit. As I was unaware and have children, they were paranoid that as he'd not told them about me - or me about his conviction - he may have committed an offence. I now know that behaviour I thought was stand-offish (never staying here overnight - I always go there) and being quite formal with my 8 year old, as well as not being willing to book a short European break etc, was all him complying with his conditions. He is under a five year order and has already completed probation, paid a fine and done community service.
I am just reeling - I love this man - very much. We have been so happy and he has never given me any cause to be nervous or feel that myself or my child are unsafe on the brief occasions he pops in and she isn't at her dad's. Over the last few days, I have asked him some very difficult questions about his offence - and his sexual preferences - and I am comfortable that he was telling the truth about the circumstances and the help and punishment he subsequently received. The police confirmed the latter.
I was asked if I intended to continue the relationship immediately after being read out the details of the offence and made to sign - with no time to think or process what I'd just been told. On reflection, and a lot of tears for us both, I absolutely want to continue this relationship but this is going to trigger social services getting involved. Having previously voluntarily referred my family to them due to an entirely different set of circumstances, I am loathed that they are going to disclose this information to my daughter's father who is quite angry and unstable. The disclosure will cause more harm than good. I am confident that the risk is low, and that I can safeguard my daughter without the need to really change current routines at all.
I'm just looking for general support and advice really because the hardest part of all this is that my friends and family would default to absolute horror if they knew. My family met him at Christmas and they really like him. They can also see how happy he makes me. I cannot tell anyone and it is so, so painful. I keep turning it over in my head and crying - my partner is also devastated and he can't believe that I didn't immediately end things when I was told and have instead wanted to process everything properly.
However, I had a knock on the door this week from the local police forces' Offender Management team who came to disclose a conviction for an online offence in 2023. For context, the team only met him for the first time last Friday as he's low risk and he'd moved counties so was only just due an annual visit. As I was unaware and have children, they were paranoid that as he'd not told them about me - or me about his conviction - he may have committed an offence. I now know that behaviour I thought was stand-offish (never staying here overnight - I always go there) and being quite formal with my 8 year old, as well as not being willing to book a short European break etc, was all him complying with his conditions. He is under a five year order and has already completed probation, paid a fine and done community service.
I am just reeling - I love this man - very much. We have been so happy and he has never given me any cause to be nervous or feel that myself or my child are unsafe on the brief occasions he pops in and she isn't at her dad's. Over the last few days, I have asked him some very difficult questions about his offence - and his sexual preferences - and I am comfortable that he was telling the truth about the circumstances and the help and punishment he subsequently received. The police confirmed the latter.
I was asked if I intended to continue the relationship immediately after being read out the details of the offence and made to sign - with no time to think or process what I'd just been told. On reflection, and a lot of tears for us both, I absolutely want to continue this relationship but this is going to trigger social services getting involved. Having previously voluntarily referred my family to them due to an entirely different set of circumstances, I am loathed that they are going to disclose this information to my daughter's father who is quite angry and unstable. The disclosure will cause more harm than good. I am confident that the risk is low, and that I can safeguard my daughter without the need to really change current routines at all.
I'm just looking for general support and advice really because the hardest part of all this is that my friends and family would default to absolute horror if they knew. My family met him at Christmas and they really like him. They can also see how happy he makes me. I cannot tell anyone and it is so, so painful. I keep turning it over in my head and crying - my partner is also devastated and he can't believe that I didn't immediately end things when I was told and have instead wanted to process everything properly.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation! However my advice would be to end it, him not telling you even though you have a child is a big red flag. He's let you fall for him and kept it a secret when if he told you at the start you could have made an unemotional decision. Bringing social services into your child's life and have a future of restrictions is something to really consider. Wishing you the best of luck with your decision x
7 months isn't all that long really. I'd say that if he's not led you on at all in terms of talking about a future with you in serious terms then perhaps he's not been deceitful. I would imagine that this is a real problem for sex offenders trying to get on with their lives and I believe that everyone is entitled to feel love towards someone and hopes for the future. However if he's talked about lots of things assuming you are going into a serious committed relationship and a happy ever after, but not told you about this very significant part of his life, then yes I would be concerned. Even if he thought he could keep it from you indefinitely it's not the best way to plan for a trusting relationship with someone. Only you know exactly how he's been over the 7 months and how he's explaining things now. Not easy for you to decide but you alone know these things and I would say that he's very lucky to have you x
You have a child, get out now. Seven months is a lot easier to get over than years.
Avoid ss involvement at all costs. If the relationship is meant to be it will re-establish itself later when the kids are grown up. Ss will bring untold and unnecessary trauma into your lives.
He should not have allowed the relationship to go on this long or get to this point (meeting your child, meeting your family) without telling you. I would be absolutely furious. I also agree regarding having SS in you and your child's life. Having been through it - due to my ex - I would advise anyone else to put their child first and run a mile. Also I know you'll hate this, but I can actually see your ex's point! I guess I just don't get why these guys think striking up a relationship with a mother is a good idea. Even if they have no bad intentions whatsoever towards the child, its still insanely selfish and ill-advised.