Deny deny deny
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We had the knock in Nov 2023 which has pretty much ruined my mental health for the worse.
He was accused of downloading IIOC over a long period of time, i mean years.
It was less than a month before i gave birth to my first baby. The haziness and shock of it all, and being postpartum for the first time made this into the hardest time of my life. He denied everything from day 1. And kept denying as legal proceedings started, kept denying as he was presented with more evidence and then admitted to it in court. But then he said "they forced my hand" and denied knowing anything again and again.
We have had countless conversations about the details of the case, he has tried to convince me how the forensic evidence is wrong, that the pictures are corrupted so he would not have known they were on his device. Even tried to tell me that they were already on his second hand device.
He always used very emotional language and many many times i have believed him and defended him. These two years i have lost all sense of reality and distrusted myself so much.
I started emotionally detaching myself from him and started focusing on myself and my son. That has helped me be more sure of myself. We have not talked about this topic for 6 months nearly.
There hasn't been an "Aha" moment but I'm slowly coming to realise how many lies he has said. If I'm honest I'm still hoping it's all wrong and that some elaborate mess up happened but the odds are slim.
I wanted to ask has anyone else's partner lied and continues to deny everything? What can make him break? How did you move past it?
He was accused of downloading IIOC over a long period of time, i mean years.
It was less than a month before i gave birth to my first baby. The haziness and shock of it all, and being postpartum for the first time made this into the hardest time of my life. He denied everything from day 1. And kept denying as legal proceedings started, kept denying as he was presented with more evidence and then admitted to it in court. But then he said "they forced my hand" and denied knowing anything again and again.
We have had countless conversations about the details of the case, he has tried to convince me how the forensic evidence is wrong, that the pictures are corrupted so he would not have known they were on his device. Even tried to tell me that they were already on his second hand device.
He always used very emotional language and many many times i have believed him and defended him. These two years i have lost all sense of reality and distrusted myself so much.
I started emotionally detaching myself from him and started focusing on myself and my son. That has helped me be more sure of myself. We have not talked about this topic for 6 months nearly.
There hasn't been an "Aha" moment but I'm slowly coming to realise how many lies he has said. If I'm honest I'm still hoping it's all wrong and that some elaborate mess up happened but the odds are slim.
I wanted to ask has anyone else's partner lied and continues to deny everything? What can make him break? How did you move past it?
I think you know the truth. And I think you have to accept that, firstly, you can't make him admit anything. Why would he stop lying now? And secondly, does it actually matter? You know he has lied. You know he is lying. Its up to you what you do with that information. And I think you only move past it by moving past him.
I have a strong need for him to own up to it. This has affected me soo much I need him to acknowledge the damage caused by the case and hi denial. I want him to admit it because I want to be able to explain to my son one day if I decide to leave, why I did.
But maybe you're right it wouldn't change much, and I just need to be able to let go with the information I have in front of me.
It's so damn hard though, especially coming from a culture where divorce is looked down upon. I guess having him admit to it would take the spotlight away from me should we go our separate ways. Ngl i have only just started entertaining the idea that it is true so maybe baby steps is enough for now.
But maybe you're right it wouldn't change much, and I just need to be able to let go with the information I have in front of me.
It's so damn hard though, especially coming from a culture where divorce is looked down upon. I guess having him admit to it would take the spotlight away from me should we go our separate ways. Ngl i have only just started entertaining the idea that it is true so maybe baby steps is enough for now.
Im not longer with him but i have given him countless opportunities, ive even said I just need to know for myself and I would never tell his parents or anything but still to this day he says he mustve been hacked. He was sentenced in september after pleading guilty. The trust has gone for me though and I just think if even now when he has nothing left to lose, he cant tell me the truth then he has zero respect for me and our 12 year relationship and therefore even in the hard times when I feel like I just want him back I just remember that x
@Daisychain7655
thank you so much for sharing. Can I ask what was the last straw for you?
the major thing holding me to him is our son and I'm worried about what the separation might do to him
thank you so much for sharing. Can I ask what was the last straw for you?
the major thing holding me to him is our son and I'm worried about what the separation might do to him
Im not in the same situation as my husband has never denied anything.
But I am going to say something that may sound harsh. He is a walking red flag manipulative man. He has emotionally manipulated you. And thats reason enough to walk if you want to walk away. It is hard to walk away but you will be okay, life finds a way to work its self out.
Do you think youll be happy if you stay? What do you think your son would think if he was older? Would he be happy if you stay? These are all hard questions and questions only you can answer. You dont have to make any decisions this second but dont stay just because in your cuture it is frowned upon. The evidence is there if they need it
But I am going to say something that may sound harsh. He is a walking red flag manipulative man. He has emotionally manipulated you. And thats reason enough to walk if you want to walk away. It is hard to walk away but you will be okay, life finds a way to work its self out.
Do you think youll be happy if you stay? What do you think your son would think if he was older? Would he be happy if you stay? These are all hard questions and questions only you can answer. You dont have to make any decisions this second but dont stay just because in your cuture it is frowned upon. The evidence is there if they need it
The final straw for me was last July... he was charged in may and waiting for the CPS. I was obsessed, always asking if he had heard anything. And then in July I went to london and when I came back he picked me up from the train station, we went for takeaway for our tea and I just happened to drop in as we were sitting on the sofa "you heard anything from the police?" (As I often did) And he just says so blaise "yeah im in court on the ......". That was it. I knew I couldnt trust a word he said. How could he keep that from me, says he didnt want to ruin my 30th with my friend in london, but nothing stopping him mentioning it when I got off the train knowing what it was doing to me and my mental health. So yeah that was it. He moved out on the plea hearing day as he was registering his address on the SOR as his parents address