No way out?
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It feels like my life stopped 18 months ago when one evening, the police knocked at the door and my husband and I were told that a warrant had been issued for our address under Section 4 of the Protection of Children Act 1978. I was shocked and horrified to be told that indecent images had been downloaded at our address and all electronic equipment able to store images was seized.
The search went on for the best part of two hours and in addition to the shock of the warrant, I had to cope with this awful intrusion of privacy. My husband remained quiet during the whole process.
We were told that checking all the equipment would take several months (which it certainly did!), that no one was being charged at that point and that we should carry our life as normal.
Once the police left, still in disbelief and I suppose hoping that it was somehow some kind of error or mix up, I asked my husband if they were going to find anything to which he said "yes'. All of a sudden, I did not know who I was married to anymore (we had been together for 18 years at the time).
I was devastated, heart broken and horrified but somehow I managed to carry on with life as normally as possible, not able to tell anyone and keeping myself as busy to help me cope. During that time we stayed together although our relationship was of course affected.
The waiting ended at the end of January when the DC in charge told us that he needed to interview us both. My husband told him that it was him he needed to speak to and agreed at date and time for his interview.
On his solicitor's advice my husband answered "no comment" to all the questions which means that the police also asked to see me a couple of weeks later.
This was another devastating experience , not only being treated as a suspect but also finding out exactly what the police found: Over 120 class A images as well as class B and C (around 200 in total), going as far back as 2014, I was mess of tears, I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I answered all the questions and at this stage my solicitor is confident that there will be no further action against me. I left the station in shock.
I have been on sick leave since as I cannot carry on and put up a brave face any longer. I am also terrified to tell work, colleagues and friends. I fear for my job though it does not involve children. I worry about the press when this goes to court.
I also feel terribly guilty to not have spotted anything for so long. I feel like I have let everybody down.
Thankfully, we do not have any children. My family lives abroad. I feel extremely isolated. My GP told me that I was also a victim and that I should contact a local victims support group. Has anyone here done that?
I have also applied to get some counseling and the stop it now helpline has been a help.
I have sinced managed to convince my husband that the best course of action was to contact the police and ask to speak to them again before they come after him which he has done. I do not understand why his solicitor advised him to not comment rather than cooperated as they have evidence.
I grieve the life I thought we had. I can't stop thinking about the victims on the images he downloaded. I can't see a way out of it
My husband is full of remorse and realizes the harm he has done now. He says it is connected with his drinking problem and he wants to get better. I do not know at this stage if there is a future for us as a couple. He tells me he never had any urges to hurt children but can I ever trust him now?
The search went on for the best part of two hours and in addition to the shock of the warrant, I had to cope with this awful intrusion of privacy. My husband remained quiet during the whole process.
We were told that checking all the equipment would take several months (which it certainly did!), that no one was being charged at that point and that we should carry our life as normal.
Once the police left, still in disbelief and I suppose hoping that it was somehow some kind of error or mix up, I asked my husband if they were going to find anything to which he said "yes'. All of a sudden, I did not know who I was married to anymore (we had been together for 18 years at the time).
I was devastated, heart broken and horrified but somehow I managed to carry on with life as normally as possible, not able to tell anyone and keeping myself as busy to help me cope. During that time we stayed together although our relationship was of course affected.
The waiting ended at the end of January when the DC in charge told us that he needed to interview us both. My husband told him that it was him he needed to speak to and agreed at date and time for his interview.
On his solicitor's advice my husband answered "no comment" to all the questions which means that the police also asked to see me a couple of weeks later.
This was another devastating experience , not only being treated as a suspect but also finding out exactly what the police found: Over 120 class A images as well as class B and C (around 200 in total), going as far back as 2014, I was mess of tears, I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I answered all the questions and at this stage my solicitor is confident that there will be no further action against me. I left the station in shock.
I have been on sick leave since as I cannot carry on and put up a brave face any longer. I am also terrified to tell work, colleagues and friends. I fear for my job though it does not involve children. I worry about the press when this goes to court.
I also feel terribly guilty to not have spotted anything for so long. I feel like I have let everybody down.
Thankfully, we do not have any children. My family lives abroad. I feel extremely isolated. My GP told me that I was also a victim and that I should contact a local victims support group. Has anyone here done that?
I have also applied to get some counseling and the stop it now helpline has been a help.
I have sinced managed to convince my husband that the best course of action was to contact the police and ask to speak to them again before they come after him which he has done. I do not understand why his solicitor advised him to not comment rather than cooperated as they have evidence.
I grieve the life I thought we had. I can't stop thinking about the victims on the images he downloaded. I can't see a way out of it
My husband is full of remorse and realizes the harm he has done now. He says it is connected with his drinking problem and he wants to get better. I do not know at this stage if there is a future for us as a couple. He tells me he never had any urges to hurt children but can I ever trust him now?
Shell.
I havnt been here long. I learned about what my ex partner had been doing last Wednesday eve. I’ll never forget that moment that my life fell apart. I don’t have any advice really, there are many women here who are further along in this journey than me. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say you are not alone. Please be strong. Xx
I havnt been here long. I learned about what my ex partner had been doing last Wednesday eve. I’ll never forget that moment that my life fell apart. I don’t have any advice really, there are many women here who are further along in this journey than me. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say you are not alone. Please be strong. Xx
Many thanks for your message Marie.D, it means a lot. I hope you're ok.
Hi shell.
My partner was told to say no comment to everything by his lawyer and my understanding is that the judgement will be based on collected evidence and words cannot be 'twisted'. I was also annoyed by this especially when during the court sentencing the lawyer made a comment about how long my partner had to wait to get to a court date (over two years) and the judge said that was because my partner did not provide any comment. Which could imply the whole process might be quicker. But on the other hand even with my partner leaving it all to CPS and police to do all the work they still messed up details such as his address and timing of offenses (they put down the arrest date wrong by a month I think).
I haven't told my family or friends and it is isolating. Is your partner getting any additional help? LF do a good course that my partner recommends. He is so thankful to them and hopes he can help with their group sessions. Many who offend have underlaying or contributing factors that when these are tackled too then it helps overall.
Your health (including mental health) is important so please look for all options available to you to find what suits your needs. LF do a family course which might help also. And do not beat yourself up about not picking up on their offending. It is so hard to notice when you don't know what you are looking for and offenders are very secretive. I have good days and bad days and I'm sure it is the same for many on here. I try to not dwell on what will never be for us and the fact we don't get full privacy. Police can and have looked through our convos through text and messenger etc.
Ssending hugs
My partner was told to say no comment to everything by his lawyer and my understanding is that the judgement will be based on collected evidence and words cannot be 'twisted'. I was also annoyed by this especially when during the court sentencing the lawyer made a comment about how long my partner had to wait to get to a court date (over two years) and the judge said that was because my partner did not provide any comment. Which could imply the whole process might be quicker. But on the other hand even with my partner leaving it all to CPS and police to do all the work they still messed up details such as his address and timing of offenses (they put down the arrest date wrong by a month I think).
I haven't told my family or friends and it is isolating. Is your partner getting any additional help? LF do a good course that my partner recommends. He is so thankful to them and hopes he can help with their group sessions. Many who offend have underlaying or contributing factors that when these are tackled too then it helps overall.
Your health (including mental health) is important so please look for all options available to you to find what suits your needs. LF do a family course which might help also. And do not beat yourself up about not picking up on their offending. It is so hard to notice when you don't know what you are looking for and offenders are very secretive. I have good days and bad days and I'm sure it is the same for many on here. I try to not dwell on what will never be for us and the fact we don't get full privacy. Police can and have looked through our convos through text and messenger etc.
Ssending hugs
Thank you for your reply majesThank you for your reply majestictopaz15. My husband has spoken to LF and started working through their online ressource. I do hope he seek extra support as this will really determine.
Feeling constantly anxious at present, I do hope some counseling will help.
Take care xx
Feeling constantly anxious at present, I do hope some counseling will help.
Take care xx
Hi Shell
Its heart breaking discovering the person you love has been keeping this awful thing from you Anna even doing it in the first place.
All I would suggest if you keep coming on here asking whatever questions you want or just to vent, contact the LF helpline as it is amazing.
Contact your GP if you haven't already and speak with them, counselling, if you get the right person can be amazing although hard. Can you speak, in confidence, to your HR department?
Its really rubbish but I can honestly say it does get better, it does get easier, do you ever get over it? I can't answer that but I'm not at that point and tbhi don't think any of us will ever be over it out forget it will we, we learn to live with it!
Take care of yourself xx
Its heart breaking discovering the person you love has been keeping this awful thing from you Anna even doing it in the first place.
All I would suggest if you keep coming on here asking whatever questions you want or just to vent, contact the LF helpline as it is amazing.
Contact your GP if you haven't already and speak with them, counselling, if you get the right person can be amazing although hard. Can you speak, in confidence, to your HR department?
Its really rubbish but I can honestly say it does get better, it does get easier, do you ever get over it? I can't answer that but I'm not at that point and tbhi don't think any of us will ever be over it out forget it will we, we learn to live with it!
Take care of yourself xx
Hi everyone
i tried to start a new post but couldn't work it out.
im looking for advice from anyone who has a relative who has served a prison sentence and had to sign the sex offender register.
i was wondering whether the time you spend in prison counts toward your time on the register. We are in Scotland. No shopo just the register. Also would be interesting to find out which of the two evils are worse. The register or the shopo Anyone who can help it would be appreciated. Thanks x
i tried to start a new post but couldn't work it out.
im looking for advice from anyone who has a relative who has served a prison sentence and had to sign the sex offender register.
i was wondering whether the time you spend in prison counts toward your time on the register. We are in Scotland. No shopo just the register. Also would be interesting to find out which of the two evils are worse. The register or the shopo Anyone who can help it would be appreciated. Thanks x
Hi Nicenana
Can't help you much but in regards to the less of two evils the Shpo in my opinion is worse. Why... The shpo is a conviction in its self and must be declared even after the prison or suspended sentence is spent/completed.
As an example is a person receives 12 months suspended it will be spent after 5 years and does not need to be mentioned for insurance, jobs applications etc. However if the court have attached a 7,10 or 15 year SHPO this must be declared therefore continuing with the punishment, shame, and embarrassment of notifying employers etc.
The register is simply a process of reaffirming personal information once a year and notifying any relevant information such as proposed holidays over seas, or association with those under the age of 18.
Best wishes
Can't help you much but in regards to the less of two evils the Shpo in my opinion is worse. Why... The shpo is a conviction in its self and must be declared even after the prison or suspended sentence is spent/completed.
As an example is a person receives 12 months suspended it will be spent after 5 years and does not need to be mentioned for insurance, jobs applications etc. However if the court have attached a 7,10 or 15 year SHPO this must be declared therefore continuing with the punishment, shame, and embarrassment of notifying employers etc.
The register is simply a process of reaffirming personal information once a year and notifying any relevant information such as proposed holidays over seas, or association with those under the age of 18.
Best wishes