Is It Harder Or Easier If Person Is Your Son Or Partner?
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I've thought about this & don't know the answer. Only that if 'your person' is your husband/ partner you do have a choice of sorts to walk away but if it is your son you dont have that choice for better or worse you have to protect them especially as the 'usual' situation is they have special needs/ ASD. Like myself you've probably been fighting for them their whole life. Educational system, medical system, 'professionals' involved in their care that are useless etc. This is just one more fight & I'll fight for him until the end but I'm mid 60's now I thought the last chapter of my life would be peace & happiness. Just thinking out loud really.
Cedar, we have the same thoughts, we are a little younger (in our mid 50's), but thought when our son reached 21 we could start to think about ourselves a little more... going away for weekends etc... then things got blown out of the water... still don't know what will happen and can only think the worse.. reading a lot of these posts l really feel for partners and children that are affected by these cases.. we have stuck by our son... we just have to see things through and see what happens.. take care..
Hi Cedar and Dad ,
im very similar age too and totally agree . All his life I've had to be one step ahead to smooth things for him, protect from bullying, fights with school and sticking up for him. I've shed so many tears quietly in the knowledge that he has not one single friend - I've had to fill so many gaps ! It's been never ending , I do really get what you are saying. No one really understands , it's a very lonely and frightening path we tread xx
im very similar age too and totally agree . All his life I've had to be one step ahead to smooth things for him, protect from bullying, fights with school and sticking up for him. I've shed so many tears quietly in the knowledge that he has not one single friend - I've had to fill so many gaps ! It's been never ending , I do really get what you are saying. No one really understands , it's a very lonely and frightening path we tread xx
I too have had the same thoughts. I would love to run away from this nightmare but I love my son and can not get my head round what he has been involved in with the shy, kind boy I thought I knew. An OH you can separate from and yes I know its not quite that simple financially and emotionally especially if you have children together. I am going to have to live with what feels like his dirty secret for the rest of my days . I too am at that age when I was considering retiring and enjoying a mortgage free life with no immediate worries, now all I do is worry. It is on my mind when I wake up and fall asleep at night. Once charged what future will he have. It's likely he will be sent to prison. What will become of him. I will always give him a home but I can't help think what a waste of a life not yet lived.
Choice to stay or not, for people whose partner/ husband is 'their person' their huge burden is when you have young children, that is another layer of pain, that those of us with adult son's don't have to bear that part of the nightmare. I hope I didnt offend anyone by saying some people have a choice. Love, family, children, finances, maybe even in a relationship there is little choice sometimes.
I was scrolling back on here so far I went back a few years. There was a whole set of names, long gone now, who used to post for support as we do now. I wondered what happened to them, their family, their stories. Maybe in a few years another group of people clinging to each other for comfort will see our names. Hopefully our lives will have moved on so far this is a distant memory...one day.
I was scrolling back on here so far I went back a few years. There was a whole set of names, long gone now, who used to post for support as we do now. I wondered what happened to them, their family, their stories. Maybe in a few years another group of people clinging to each other for comfort will see our names. Hopefully our lives will have moved on so far this is a distant memory...one day.
I agree with all of the above and support you all, we all know the horrific path so well now. I'm in my 40s and as you've all said, thought these were the start of the years where the busyness of life that I had when my children were small (how I wish I could go back and try to stop this from happening) would have long gone, and things would be easier and I'd have more time to enjoy the things I'd like to do in life.
My Sons autistic too, I love him with everything I have and it hurts me to see him like he is and as you said Winnie trying to fill in the gaps (wonderfully put) is so true, my Son has no friendships either. I will stand by him and will help him until the day I die, but I also resent him -massively, it pains me to say, all of this heartache and trauma is so needless, it shouldn't be and whether or not a neurodivergence was involved in his decision making, inevitably it is caused by him. My Dad is in the late stages of dementia and is in end of life care and I'm numb to it I can't fully give that what I need to, and prior to this trauma I would be going through a huge grief now for my dad, but my head has compartmentalised that into another box away from the pain that I feel for my Son and this situation, I know it's protecting me from dealing with them both at the same time but how will this fair going forward. Also, the restrictions with grandchildren - (my son lives with me) I'm hurt that he's caused all of these problems, I don't vent this to him obviously, but some days I feel like I could run away from it all quite easily, even as a mother x
My Sons autistic too, I love him with everything I have and it hurts me to see him like he is and as you said Winnie trying to fill in the gaps (wonderfully put) is so true, my Son has no friendships either. I will stand by him and will help him until the day I die, but I also resent him -massively, it pains me to say, all of this heartache and trauma is so needless, it shouldn't be and whether or not a neurodivergence was involved in his decision making, inevitably it is caused by him. My Dad is in the late stages of dementia and is in end of life care and I'm numb to it I can't fully give that what I need to, and prior to this trauma I would be going through a huge grief now for my dad, but my head has compartmentalised that into another box away from the pain that I feel for my Son and this situation, I know it's protecting me from dealing with them both at the same time but how will this fair going forward. Also, the restrictions with grandchildren - (my son lives with me) I'm hurt that he's caused all of these problems, I don't vent this to him obviously, but some days I feel like I could run away from it all quite easily, even as a mother x
I can identify with your posts, as it's also our son. You love them, but hate what his behaviour has had on the family. We feel that we are in limbo, it'll probably be about 2 years before it's concluded in court.
The latest upset is that the solicitor has asked for a psychologist's report, who told my son that he doesn't think that he has a learning disability! To be fair, he wouldn't have had access to his medical and educational records. Their is significant evidence that he does have a learning disability, we're hoping that the Criminal Justice Social Worker will access his records to challenge the psychologist's report. Also, his Lucy Faithfull support worker can also verify his vulnerabilities. He is also awaiting an autism assessment, but there is a long waiting list.
The latest upset is that the solicitor has asked for a psychologist's report, who told my son that he doesn't think that he has a learning disability! To be fair, he wouldn't have had access to his medical and educational records. Their is significant evidence that he does have a learning disability, we're hoping that the Criminal Justice Social Worker will access his records to challenge the psychologist's report. Also, his Lucy Faithfull support worker can also verify his vulnerabilities. He is also awaiting an autism assessment, but there is a long waiting list.
I am a partner and I'd say it's harder to be a partner of an offender than a parent.
Parents could disown their sons, but I'd imagine it's quite rare for a parent to 100% cut off their son.
My MIL faced judgement from her sibling for standing by her son. I found this odd as the sibling has children of their own. I think this shows that the siblings support for their own child in the future is not guaranteed if their own child were to ever make a mistake.
I'd hate to have a parent like that, like their love and support is conditional.
My in laws have been treated no differently whereas I feel I have been judged. They do not have a choice to be his parents but I had a choice to be his partner.
Parents could disown their sons, but I'd imagine it's quite rare for a parent to 100% cut off their son.
My MIL faced judgement from her sibling for standing by her son. I found this odd as the sibling has children of their own. I think this shows that the siblings support for their own child in the future is not guaranteed if their own child were to ever make a mistake.
I'd hate to have a parent like that, like their love and support is conditional.
My in laws have been treated no differently whereas I feel I have been judged. They do not have a choice to be his parents but I had a choice to be his partner.
Our stories are the same, bullying, isolation, loneliness, being ostracised, no friends, not coping so failing at school & so on. When will the bloody NAS or someone address these issues before more & more autistic young men & adult men ( so much younger emotionally & mentally) than their chronigical age) go down this road & maje these dark chouces? Its proven in research it doesn't help ASD men who have committed this crime to go to prison but my son will. He said himself he doesn't know if he'll survive this time.
By this time, I mean when he was 17 ( but much younger mentally) his behaviour was so angry & unstable he was put into an adult mental hospital for a year. He was abused & attacked there & was just more messed up when he came out. I now know he was sexually abused on his first day at a residential special needs school when he was 15 & subsequent times until he got hinself expelled to get to safety.. No wonder he was so angry. He won't let me report this to the police.
I cant eat or sleep thinking about him in prison in the next few weeks. Mentally/ emotionally he's a teenager, imagine a mid teenager in a man's prison.
Sorry I'm off topic now, offloading!
By this time, I mean when he was 17 ( but much younger mentally) his behaviour was so angry & unstable he was put into an adult mental hospital for a year. He was abused & attacked there & was just more messed up when he came out. I now know he was sexually abused on his first day at a residential special needs school when he was 15 & subsequent times until he got hinself expelled to get to safety.. No wonder he was so angry. He won't let me report this to the police.
I cant eat or sleep thinking about him in prison in the next few weeks. Mentally/ emotionally he's a teenager, imagine a mid teenager in a man's prison.
Sorry I'm off topic now, offloading!
Cedarkey,
I've thought from virtually day 1, or certainly since I first came to the forum, that it must be harder for parents. God knows how hard it is for wives/partners...it has ripped my heart out but I've chosen to stay and support. I cannot imagine though the pain of a mum/dad, especially as so many stories in here are about young ASD men. I am in awe of those on here whose sons have offended. I know in my heart I would support too, were it me, but I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak. Of course as a wife it is a nightmare beyond words, but in answer to your question, yes I think it must be harder for mums. A mother's/father's love is just different. Sending you and all the mums and dads a big hug.
I've thought from virtually day 1, or certainly since I first came to the forum, that it must be harder for parents. God knows how hard it is for wives/partners...it has ripped my heart out but I've chosen to stay and support. I cannot imagine though the pain of a mum/dad, especially as so many stories in here are about young ASD men. I am in awe of those on here whose sons have offended. I know in my heart I would support too, were it me, but I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak. Of course as a wife it is a nightmare beyond words, but in answer to your question, yes I think it must be harder for mums. A mother's/father's love is just different. Sending you and all the mums and dads a big hug.