Is It Harder Or Easier If Person Is Your Son Or Partner?
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I've thought about this & don't know the answer. Only that if 'your person' is your husband/ partner you do have a choice of sorts to walk away but if it is your son you dont have that choice for better or worse you have to protect them especially as the 'usual' situation is they have special needs/ ASD. Like myself you've probably been fighting for them their whole life. Educational system, medical system, 'professionals' involved in their care that are useless etc. This is just one more fight & I'll fight for him until the end but I'm mid 60's now I thought the last chapter of my life would be peace & happiness. Just thinking out loud really.
Cedar, we have the same thoughts, we are a little younger (in our mid 50's), but thought when our son reached 21 we could start to think about ourselves a little more... going away for weekends etc... then things got blown out of the water... still don't know what will happen and can only think the worse.. reading a lot of these posts l really feel for partners and children that are affected by these cases.. we have stuck by our son... we just have to see things through and see what happens.. take care..
Hi Cedar and Dad ,
im very similar age too and totally agree . All his life I've had to be one step ahead to smooth things for him, protect from bullying, fights with school and sticking up for him. I've shed so many tears quietly in the knowledge that he has not one single friend - I've had to fill so many gaps ! It's been never ending , I do really get what you are saying. No one really understands , it's a very lonely and frightening path we tread xx
im very similar age too and totally agree . All his life I've had to be one step ahead to smooth things for him, protect from bullying, fights with school and sticking up for him. I've shed so many tears quietly in the knowledge that he has not one single friend - I've had to fill so many gaps ! It's been never ending , I do really get what you are saying. No one really understands , it's a very lonely and frightening path we tread xx
I too have had the same thoughts. I would love to run away from this nightmare but I love my son and can not get my head round what he has been involved in with the shy, kind boy I thought I knew. An OH you can separate from and yes I know its not quite that simple financially and emotionally especially if you have children together. I am going to have to live with what feels like his dirty secret for the rest of my days . I too am at that age when I was considering retiring and enjoying a mortgage free life with no immediate worries, now all I do is worry. It is on my mind when I wake up and fall asleep at night. Once charged what future will he have. It's likely he will be sent to prison. What will become of him. I will always give him a home but I can't help think what a waste of a life not yet lived.
Choice to stay or not, for people whose partner/ husband is 'their person' their huge burden is when you have young children, that is another layer of pain, that those of us with adult son's don't have to bear that part of the nightmare. I hope I didnt offend anyone by saying some people have a choice. Love, family, children, finances, maybe even in a relationship there is little choice sometimes.
I was scrolling back on here so far I went back a few years. There was a whole set of names, long gone now, who used to post for support as we do now. I wondered what happened to them, their family, their stories. Maybe in a few years another group of people clinging to each other for comfort will see our names. Hopefully our lives will have moved on so far this is a distant memory...one day.
I was scrolling back on here so far I went back a few years. There was a whole set of names, long gone now, who used to post for support as we do now. I wondered what happened to them, their family, their stories. Maybe in a few years another group of people clinging to each other for comfort will see our names. Hopefully our lives will have moved on so far this is a distant memory...one day.
I agree with all of the above and support you all, we all know the horrific path so well now. I'm in my 40s and as you've all said, thought these were the start of the years where the busyness of life that I had when my children were small (how I wish I could go back and try to stop this from happening) would have long gone, and things would be easier and I'd have more time to enjoy the things I'd like to do in life.
My Sons autistic too, I love him with everything I have and it hurts me to see him like he is and as you said Winnie trying to fill in the gaps (wonderfully put) is so true, my Son has no friendships either. I will stand by him and will help him until the day I die, but I also resent him -massively, it pains me to say, all of this heartache and trauma is so needless, it shouldn't be and whether or not a neurodivergence was involved in his decision making, inevitably it is caused by him. My Dad is in the late stages of dementia and is in end of life care and I'm numb to it I can't fully give that what I need to, and prior to this trauma I would be going through a huge grief now for my dad, but my head has compartmentalised that into another box away from the pain that I feel for my Son and this situation, I know it's protecting me from dealing with them both at the same time but how will this fair going forward. Also, the restrictions with grandchildren - (my son lives with me) I'm hurt that he's caused all of these problems, I don't vent this to him obviously, but some days I feel like I could run away from it all quite easily, even as a mother x
My Sons autistic too, I love him with everything I have and it hurts me to see him like he is and as you said Winnie trying to fill in the gaps (wonderfully put) is so true, my Son has no friendships either. I will stand by him and will help him until the day I die, but I also resent him -massively, it pains me to say, all of this heartache and trauma is so needless, it shouldn't be and whether or not a neurodivergence was involved in his decision making, inevitably it is caused by him. My Dad is in the late stages of dementia and is in end of life care and I'm numb to it I can't fully give that what I need to, and prior to this trauma I would be going through a huge grief now for my dad, but my head has compartmentalised that into another box away from the pain that I feel for my Son and this situation, I know it's protecting me from dealing with them both at the same time but how will this fair going forward. Also, the restrictions with grandchildren - (my son lives with me) I'm hurt that he's caused all of these problems, I don't vent this to him obviously, but some days I feel like I could run away from it all quite easily, even as a mother x
I can identify with your posts, as it's also our son. You love them, but hate what his behaviour has had on the family. We feel that we are in limbo, it'll probably be about 2 years before it's concluded in court.
The latest upset is that the solicitor has asked for a psychologist's report, who told my son that he doesn't think that he has a learning disability! To be fair, he wouldn't have had access to his medical and educational records. Their is significant evidence that he does have a learning disability, we're hoping that the Criminal Justice Social Worker will access his records to challenge the psychologist's report. Also, his Lucy Faithfull support worker can also verify his vulnerabilities. He is also awaiting an autism assessment, but there is a long waiting list.
The latest upset is that the solicitor has asked for a psychologist's report, who told my son that he doesn't think that he has a learning disability! To be fair, he wouldn't have had access to his medical and educational records. Their is significant evidence that he does have a learning disability, we're hoping that the Criminal Justice Social Worker will access his records to challenge the psychologist's report. Also, his Lucy Faithfull support worker can also verify his vulnerabilities. He is also awaiting an autism assessment, but there is a long waiting list.
I am a partner and I'd say it's harder to be a partner of an offender than a parent.
Parents could disown their sons, but I'd imagine it's quite rare for a parent to 100% cut off their son.
My MIL faced judgement from her sibling for standing by her son. I found this odd as the sibling has children of their own. I think this shows that the siblings support for their own child in the future is not guaranteed if their own child were to ever make a mistake.
I'd hate to have a parent like that, like their love and support is conditional.
My in laws have been treated no differently whereas I feel I have been judged. They do not have a choice to be his parents but I had a choice to be his partner.
Parents could disown their sons, but I'd imagine it's quite rare for a parent to 100% cut off their son.
My MIL faced judgement from her sibling for standing by her son. I found this odd as the sibling has children of their own. I think this shows that the siblings support for their own child in the future is not guaranteed if their own child were to ever make a mistake.
I'd hate to have a parent like that, like their love and support is conditional.
My in laws have been treated no differently whereas I feel I have been judged. They do not have a choice to be his parents but I had a choice to be his partner.
Our stories are the same, bullying, isolation, loneliness, being ostracised, no friends, not coping so failing at school & so on. When will the bloody NAS or someone address these issues before more & more autistic young men & adult men ( so much younger emotionally & mentally) than their chronigical age) go down this road & maje these dark chouces? Its proven in research it doesn't help ASD men who have committed this crime to go to prison but my son will. He said himself he doesn't know if he'll survive this time.
By this time, I mean when he was 17 ( but much younger mentally) his behaviour was so angry & unstable he was put into an adult mental hospital for a year. He was abused & attacked there & was just more messed up when he came out. I now know he was sexually abused on his first day at a residential special needs school when he was 15 & subsequent times until he got hinself expelled to get to safety.. No wonder he was so angry. He won't let me report this to the police.
I cant eat or sleep thinking about him in prison in the next few weeks. Mentally/ emotionally he's a teenager, imagine a mid teenager in a man's prison.
Sorry I'm off topic now, offloading!
By this time, I mean when he was 17 ( but much younger mentally) his behaviour was so angry & unstable he was put into an adult mental hospital for a year. He was abused & attacked there & was just more messed up when he came out. I now know he was sexually abused on his first day at a residential special needs school when he was 15 & subsequent times until he got hinself expelled to get to safety.. No wonder he was so angry. He won't let me report this to the police.
I cant eat or sleep thinking about him in prison in the next few weeks. Mentally/ emotionally he's a teenager, imagine a mid teenager in a man's prison.
Sorry I'm off topic now, offloading!
Cedarkey,
I've thought from virtually day 1, or certainly since I first came to the forum, that it must be harder for parents. God knows how hard it is for wives/partners...it has ripped my heart out but I've chosen to stay and support. I cannot imagine though the pain of a mum/dad, especially as so many stories in here are about young ASD men. I am in awe of those on here whose sons have offended. I know in my heart I would support too, were it me, but I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak. Of course as a wife it is a nightmare beyond words, but in answer to your question, yes I think it must be harder for mums. A mother's/father's love is just different. Sending you and all the mums and dads a big hug.
I've thought from virtually day 1, or certainly since I first came to the forum, that it must be harder for parents. God knows how hard it is for wives/partners...it has ripped my heart out but I've chosen to stay and support. I cannot imagine though the pain of a mum/dad, especially as so many stories in here are about young ASD men. I am in awe of those on here whose sons have offended. I know in my heart I would support too, were it me, but I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak. Of course as a wife it is a nightmare beyond words, but in answer to your question, yes I think it must be harder for mums. A mother's/father's love is just different. Sending you and all the mums and dads a big hug.
Probably sounds awful but I have wished the offender was my partner and not my son at times, as I would then have the choice to leave :( no offence meant to anyone. Love for a child is unconditional whereas the love for my partner has conditions, that's where the difference is for me.. awful all round, no matter what the relationship with a sexual offender x
I felt a bit intimidated by the question first to be honest. But now I gave it a thought. I have a son and if I had to choose (what an idea...), I would rather have it like this, being the partner of an offender. I just love my son more and care for him more than for my person, that s why.
If in a few years I look back at this mess it will be one of the few good things that I learned about it with my son still young enough to educate him and warn him of the dangers. And I hope I can protect him from both, abuse and being abusive.
Sending love and hugs to all the mums and dads
If in a few years I look back at this mess it will be one of the few good things that I learned about it with my son still young enough to educate him and warn him of the dangers. And I hope I can protect him from both, abuse and being abusive.
Sending love and hugs to all the mums and dads
I of course am thinking about it from my own perspective being a partner, but I am also a parent. Now I have read some more replies I can absolutely see where everyone is coming from.
I think people can maybe understand parents a bit more because love is unconditional for our children but I could be wrong.
Because it is a sexual offence there is less understanding for partners because they still choose to have a sexual relationship with their OH's.
We are all going through a very similar experience and it will be very hard for all of us in different ways. Also no offence meant to anyone.
Onestepatatime, I understand your wishes, I wonder what my conditions are if it is not this.
I think people can maybe understand parents a bit more because love is unconditional for our children but I could be wrong.
Because it is a sexual offence there is less understanding for partners because they still choose to have a sexual relationship with their OH's.
We are all going through a very similar experience and it will be very hard for all of us in different ways. Also no offence meant to anyone.
Onestepatatime, I understand your wishes, I wonder what my conditions are if it is not this.
Upset parent , my autistic son had both Psychological and Psychiatric reports done . Both agreed independently that his autism played a substantial role in the reason for his offence . The judge gave these reports a lot of credence in court and they proved to be a massive mitigating factor . I thought like you that he had learning disability too but it was identified that he didn't, he does have some particular areas of difficulty which affects his ability to learn.
Cedar, I am disgusted with the NAS, I have contacted them on several occasions to try and draw their attention to the issues you and this forum raise , they don't want to know. I think it's a complete dereliction of their duty as a National Organisation. Who will listen to us as parents . Our sons have enough challenges without being labelled sex offenders - a lifelong stigma sadly.
Any ideas anyone ?
Cedar, I am disgusted with the NAS, I have contacted them on several occasions to try and draw their attention to the issues you and this forum raise , they don't want to know. I think it's a complete dereliction of their duty as a National Organisation. Who will listen to us as parents . Our sons have enough challenges without being labelled sex offenders - a lifelong stigma sadly.
Any ideas anyone ?
I'm so glad I posted this, I feel I know you all better now & dont feel so alone. I actually slept through the night last night! Well it was with sleeping tablets but usually thats not enough.
Hi,
I have given this question a lot of thought over the years. In the early days I thought it would have been easier if it was my son who had offended because at least his parents still had their son but I had lost my partner. With time and my own son reaching adulthood I have recognised that neither is easy but they're hard in different ways. I see in my in laws the same thoughts/guilt of was it something I did or didn't do that caused this to happen that I have had. The betrayal is still there but it is different for a parent than a partner because it's more a turning away from the morals parents have taught them. The relationships are forever changed due to the trauma and heartbreak. Wishing all on here whether parents, partners, siblings or friends all the best in navigating this journey. Love, peace and support always xxx
I have given this question a lot of thought over the years. In the early days I thought it would have been easier if it was my son who had offended because at least his parents still had their son but I had lost my partner. With time and my own son reaching adulthood I have recognised that neither is easy but they're hard in different ways. I see in my in laws the same thoughts/guilt of was it something I did or didn't do that caused this to happen that I have had. The betrayal is still there but it is different for a parent than a partner because it's more a turning away from the morals parents have taught them. The relationships are forever changed due to the trauma and heartbreak. Wishing all on here whether parents, partners, siblings or friends all the best in navigating this journey. Love, peace and support always xxx
It's been a long time since i've posted on this forum. So much so I forgot the password. But this post has compelled me to comment.
We are 15 month post-vigalante sting, still waiting for charges and I was a wife to my person, though we are nearly divorced. At the time, and still now, we have very young children.
I often found that it was like an onion of betrayal. Betrayal to the victims, betrayal to our marriage, betrayal to the future we were building together, betrayal to his children who will one day know and have that dark cloud in their life.
It was also betryal to my freedom as now I am solo single mum 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And how can I trust another person with my heart again?
But I am supporting him by supervising access to his children. So every week we meet, my children have the best time, and I cope with it a lot better these days. There is still the tremendous anxiety of what peoples views on me supporting this are, but they are getting less and less. My world is a lot smaller these days. Like others I was once extroverted, the instigator of meet ups, now I prefer to be home, with my children. Safe.
I am not sure what the point to this post is, maybe to say, that indeed no matter who our person is, we are all in this together, whether we stay, flee or meet somewhere in between.
Sending light as always.
Ashes xx
We are 15 month post-vigalante sting, still waiting for charges and I was a wife to my person, though we are nearly divorced. At the time, and still now, we have very young children.
I often found that it was like an onion of betrayal. Betrayal to the victims, betrayal to our marriage, betrayal to the future we were building together, betrayal to his children who will one day know and have that dark cloud in their life.
It was also betryal to my freedom as now I am solo single mum 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And how can I trust another person with my heart again?
But I am supporting him by supervising access to his children. So every week we meet, my children have the best time, and I cope with it a lot better these days. There is still the tremendous anxiety of what peoples views on me supporting this are, but they are getting less and less. My world is a lot smaller these days. Like others I was once extroverted, the instigator of meet ups, now I prefer to be home, with my children. Safe.
I am not sure what the point to this post is, maybe to say, that indeed no matter who our person is, we are all in this together, whether we stay, flee or meet somewhere in between.
Sending light as always.
Ashes xx
I'm not sure where we all live, but I just wish we could meet in person. We are the only people maybe in the whole world who can genuinely say, 'I know what you're going through'.
I don't post on here much but I to, have had the same exact thoughts.
Our person is our autistic son 23, and we have now been told that everything is now with CPS.
I love my son very much, but I feel so betrayed by him as well, I have always been in his corner fighting to get the support he needed in mainstream school, (which he got) We even decided to not have another child so we could concentrate all our efforts on him, he has always been very loved by us and has never wanted for anything, he's also such a kind person and if, or when people find out, they aren't going to believe what he's done!
We are in our mid 40s and booked our dream cruise for this year for all of us before the knock, which we will now have to cancel, but it's all just so sad more than anything, we had so many plans of travelling together, and instead, he has ruined his life.
I must admit that I have had thoughts of jealousy, that if it was my partner, I could just walk away, (these are just my thoughts on my situation and don't mean to offend anyone) but that isint an option with our son, he wouldn't survive without us and he is our responsibility, so we are here for him until the end.
It makes me so angry that as parents of an autistic adult, we weren't prepared for any of this, why aren't they teaching parents about these signs as your autistic child is growing up! We stupidly didn't lock down his devices once he became an adult as we stupidly thought he was entitled to some privacy! I will never forgive myself for that, now we all just have to face the consequences.
Our person is our autistic son 23, and we have now been told that everything is now with CPS.
I love my son very much, but I feel so betrayed by him as well, I have always been in his corner fighting to get the support he needed in mainstream school, (which he got) We even decided to not have another child so we could concentrate all our efforts on him, he has always been very loved by us and has never wanted for anything, he's also such a kind person and if, or when people find out, they aren't going to believe what he's done!
We are in our mid 40s and booked our dream cruise for this year for all of us before the knock, which we will now have to cancel, but it's all just so sad more than anything, we had so many plans of travelling together, and instead, he has ruined his life.
I must admit that I have had thoughts of jealousy, that if it was my partner, I could just walk away, (these are just my thoughts on my situation and don't mean to offend anyone) but that isint an option with our son, he wouldn't survive without us and he is our responsibility, so we are here for him until the end.
It makes me so angry that as parents of an autistic adult, we weren't prepared for any of this, why aren't they teaching parents about these signs as your autistic child is growing up! We stupidly didn't lock down his devices once he became an adult as we stupidly thought he was entitled to some privacy! I will never forgive myself for that, now we all just have to face the consequences.
Heartbrokenmum, truly, this could be me writing this. My son was sentenced last October and to this day, only a couple of family members know what we have been through for the last nearly 4 yrs. I lost my Mum quite suddenly just before he did what he did and whilst I miss her dreadfully, I am relieved that she never knew. I still can't believe it myself.
As has previously been said in this thread, surely the NAS as a National Organisation has a duty to address this but unfortunately don't seem to want to associate themselves with this.
i would love a breakdown of numbers as to what proportion of first time offenders are Autistic or have another Neurodivergence. Its a National scandal !
As has previously been said in this thread, surely the NAS as a National Organisation has a duty to address this but unfortunately don't seem to want to associate themselves with this.
i would love a breakdown of numbers as to what proportion of first time offenders are Autistic or have another Neurodivergence. Its a National scandal !
It's so interesting to read.
As a partner and someone who shares children with the accused person, I find the choices that are constantly on my shoulders so heavy. It's exhausting. I wish someone would make the decisions for me.
As a partner and someone who shares children with the accused person, I find the choices that are constantly on my shoulders so heavy. It's exhausting. I wish someone would make the decisions for me.
Cedar7
Thankyou for being so honest in your post and raising a very difficult subject.
I too have a son who is an offender(now 30 ) . Physical disabilities,severely dyslexic & undiagnosed autistic.
It all sounds so familiar,the advocacy through education,the support in budgeting & keeping a job etc etc. We tried to encourage his social life but couldn't be his 'friends'.
We suspected he was looking at porn,but had no idea it was leading to IIOC.
We are now trying to move house but do not want him to live with us,in case it happens agin. He will be released from prison (2 yr sentence) in a year.
Are we abandoning him? Walking away?
We still have a duty to his three siblings.
Sadly the pain does not end.
Thankyou for being so honest in your post and raising a very difficult subject.
I too have a son who is an offender(now 30 ) . Physical disabilities,severely dyslexic & undiagnosed autistic.
It all sounds so familiar,the advocacy through education,the support in budgeting & keeping a job etc etc. We tried to encourage his social life but couldn't be his 'friends'.
We suspected he was looking at porn,but had no idea it was leading to IIOC.
We are now trying to move house but do not want him to live with us,in case it happens agin. He will be released from prison (2 yr sentence) in a year.
Are we abandoning him? Walking away?
We still have a duty to his three siblings.
Sadly the pain does not end.