Why is it so hard?
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Where to even start
10 and a half months ago partner was arrested when the knock came on an early morning. I was blind sided, shocked and still can't quite get over the feeling it gave me. It was for online communication with a 13 year old - he believes it was a police officer decoy.
Immediately after being bailed he left the house due to bail conditions and I didn't want him there. Bail conditions no contact with under 18 online, no unsupervised visits with under 18, no over night stays with anyone under 18 in the same house.
Social services we're Immediately involved and after three Phone conversations with them they signed us off and said as long as bail was adhered to we were all good.
Now 10 months on conditions are still in place as he is still on bail. My children (boys 6 & 4) have gotten used to the situation, dad comes over, has dinner, plays and goes back to his own home. This started off twice a week and has become almost daily.
Thing is I'm struggling with my feelings, I want to hate him and I hate what he has done and how that makes me feel. I hate that he still shows how lazy he can be, how he gets angry and moans at me about my home, even though this isnt his home now.
The other part of me loves him still, wants a family again and wishes he could stay here over night to help with the kids etc.
How do we work through these feelings? I know deep down we can never be a family again. The trust has gone completely. My friends and family would think I'm crazy but I just feel like I cant move on until the whole process is over and that could be years still. I just miss having someone there sometimes and having an intimate partner also. I also struggle with my friends when they ask about him referring to him as a p***file and n***ce
Anyway thanks if you got this far. I dont know what I'm looking for here just needed to let that out.
10 and a half months ago partner was arrested when the knock came on an early morning. I was blind sided, shocked and still can't quite get over the feeling it gave me. It was for online communication with a 13 year old - he believes it was a police officer decoy.
Immediately after being bailed he left the house due to bail conditions and I didn't want him there. Bail conditions no contact with under 18 online, no unsupervised visits with under 18, no over night stays with anyone under 18 in the same house.
Social services we're Immediately involved and after three Phone conversations with them they signed us off and said as long as bail was adhered to we were all good.
Now 10 months on conditions are still in place as he is still on bail. My children (boys 6 & 4) have gotten used to the situation, dad comes over, has dinner, plays and goes back to his own home. This started off twice a week and has become almost daily.
Thing is I'm struggling with my feelings, I want to hate him and I hate what he has done and how that makes me feel. I hate that he still shows how lazy he can be, how he gets angry and moans at me about my home, even though this isnt his home now.
The other part of me loves him still, wants a family again and wishes he could stay here over night to help with the kids etc.
How do we work through these feelings? I know deep down we can never be a family again. The trust has gone completely. My friends and family would think I'm crazy but I just feel like I cant move on until the whole process is over and that could be years still. I just miss having someone there sometimes and having an intimate partner also. I also struggle with my friends when they ask about him referring to him as a p***file and n***ce
Anyway thanks if you got this far. I dont know what I'm looking for here just needed to let that out.