Living in Survival mode
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There's no real reason to this post, just late night ramblings I guess. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest and this is the best place I know to do that without judgment.
Our nightmare began on valentines day 2023 and I honestly feel like my brain has been in survival mode ever since. Dealing with police, social services, 4 children, my partner, the house, financial situation, my older children's dad, everything all put onto me and my brain has just been focused on surviving. I have fallen out with family after social services forced us to disclose even though my partner never see them and there was no restrictions on his shpo regarding this. In doing so I no longer speak to any of my siblings, my siblings also no longer talk to my parents who chose to stand by me and my partner and as a once close family, the guilt i have around that is just gut clenching. There were many other reasons not just that, I fear that this was just their excuse as they found out in december 2024 and continued to see and speak to my parents until late 2025. Anyway I digress. I feel like I have been in constant survival mode but now things are looking up, my partner will hopefully be returning home full time in a few more months. And things with my ex are now back to what they used to be and that's all settled i feel like my brain is now catching up and processing everything that's happened and im now just constantly sad and anxious. I envy people with normal lives, I was never an angry person but now I am so angry. I am so angry that I have had to deal with everything and be there for everyone at there every beckon call whilst having noone there for me. Granted my partner would have been in an instant if he knew how tough things where but I knew he was struggling and I didnt want to put that burden on him too especially not when at the time it was easy to just get through it. Now however. I just dont know what to do. I feel lost, like ive lost part of me and I dont know what to do or how to get it back. I am dying to get myself a job so I can have a bit of adult conversation, I have 4 children 10,8,2 and 1. My 2 year old is currently undergoing assessments for autism as well as a number of other things they suspect is wrong. I am with her 24/7 amd my 1 year old but shes hard work and she never sleeps which doesn't help. I have noone to just watch the babies for an hour so I can have a break and I don't know. Im just so desperate to feel like me again, I just don't know who me is anymore.
Sorry for the rant
Our nightmare began on valentines day 2023 and I honestly feel like my brain has been in survival mode ever since. Dealing with police, social services, 4 children, my partner, the house, financial situation, my older children's dad, everything all put onto me and my brain has just been focused on surviving. I have fallen out with family after social services forced us to disclose even though my partner never see them and there was no restrictions on his shpo regarding this. In doing so I no longer speak to any of my siblings, my siblings also no longer talk to my parents who chose to stand by me and my partner and as a once close family, the guilt i have around that is just gut clenching. There were many other reasons not just that, I fear that this was just their excuse as they found out in december 2024 and continued to see and speak to my parents until late 2025. Anyway I digress. I feel like I have been in constant survival mode but now things are looking up, my partner will hopefully be returning home full time in a few more months. And things with my ex are now back to what they used to be and that's all settled i feel like my brain is now catching up and processing everything that's happened and im now just constantly sad and anxious. I envy people with normal lives, I was never an angry person but now I am so angry. I am so angry that I have had to deal with everything and be there for everyone at there every beckon call whilst having noone there for me. Granted my partner would have been in an instant if he knew how tough things where but I knew he was struggling and I didnt want to put that burden on him too especially not when at the time it was easy to just get through it. Now however. I just dont know what to do. I feel lost, like ive lost part of me and I dont know what to do or how to get it back. I am dying to get myself a job so I can have a bit of adult conversation, I have 4 children 10,8,2 and 1. My 2 year old is currently undergoing assessments for autism as well as a number of other things they suspect is wrong. I am with her 24/7 amd my 1 year old but shes hard work and she never sleeps which doesn't help. I have noone to just watch the babies for an hour so I can have a break and I don't know. Im just so desperate to feel like me again, I just don't know who me is anymore.
Sorry for the rant
Sending you soo much love.
Are you able to access therapy? I think therapy will be a good starting point if youre able to access it. I do sometimes just moan at AI and I find that helpful to just go here computer have my ramblings of frustration. I dont always read its responses but its just nice to write it all down and let go.
Are you able to access therapy? I think therapy will be a good starting point if youre able to access it. I do sometimes just moan at AI and I find that helpful to just go here computer have my ramblings of frustration. I dont always read its responses but its just nice to write it all down and let go.
I'm so sorry to hear how you're struggling, I dont how you ate functioning so you must be stronger & more resilient than you realise. You're still in the eye of the storm but things will be easier one day, hold in there. You're not alone. DM me anytime xx