FEELINGS DUMP!
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No point to this. Just feel the need to brain dump here. Might be a waffle. Grateful if anyone reads and responds.
sentencing is done here. My person is my father. I'm relieved, no media this far and sentence was suspended (making in all categories)
so it's complicated, it's such a complicated crime and the circumstances vary so drastically but I've come to understand that the reason he got into this was from his own trauma and abuse as a child that he never shared, low self esteem, loneliness. I don't excuse him from what happened. But I feel the reasons are complicated.
I'm confused as to why I've never felt angry towards him. Only sad. Just so so sad. I was and am completely horrified. But I still adore my dad and consider him my hero just as before. I'm confused why it didn't change much
sentencing is done here. My person is my father. I'm relieved, no media this far and sentence was suspended (making in all categories)
so it's complicated, it's such a complicated crime and the circumstances vary so drastically but I've come to understand that the reason he got into this was from his own trauma and abuse as a child that he never shared, low self esteem, loneliness. I don't excuse him from what happened. But I feel the reasons are complicated.
I'm confused as to why I've never felt angry towards him. Only sad. Just so so sad. I was and am completely horrified. But I still adore my dad and consider him my hero just as before. I'm confused why it didn't change much
It's probably part of your character, your someone that can see the whole person and not just the crime. He is still your dad at the end of the day and he is still the same person. You're very lucky you don't have media clouding those feelings. It took me a while to accept that my OH was the same person that had committed this crime. I could still see the person he's always been before it and continued to be after. I felt sorry for him that he got into this mess and now has to live with it forever.
Hi Tallulah,
We are parents of a newly convicted son and like your dad, a recent suspended sentence for images which took the powers that be nearly 3 years to investigate, and huge sadness on our part especially as we learnt about what was going on in his marriage, including coercive control by his ex, and him feeling huge shame about that and finding it very hard to tell us about what had been happening.
Like you, no excuse at all, he has a moral compass which failed him massively. But we have never stopped loving him and have never felt anger, although huge anxiety about whether he was telling us the truth (he was absolutely honest), whether we could have done something to help him as we knew that all was not well but he refused to open up until he started therapy. And of course we have had (still have) all the ongoing fears and anxieties about his future.
I don't believe you are odd to feel as you do towards your dad, although that is absolutely no criticism of anyone reading this who does feel anger towards their person. Every situation is different with nuances and circumstances, betrayals and so on specific to each of us. Like us, you are someone who has been able to work out how you feel. That's not trivialising your circumstances, or your feelings by the way, it's just how it is.
Our daughters are hugely angry towards their brother but have chosen to support him, mainly to not give us any more anguish but also as they are becoming able to see their brother behind the offences. I do grieve the loss of their easy going relationship with him though as things are definitely different.
Keep being you and I hope your dad knows how fortunate he is to have you :)
We are parents of a newly convicted son and like your dad, a recent suspended sentence for images which took the powers that be nearly 3 years to investigate, and huge sadness on our part especially as we learnt about what was going on in his marriage, including coercive control by his ex, and him feeling huge shame about that and finding it very hard to tell us about what had been happening.
Like you, no excuse at all, he has a moral compass which failed him massively. But we have never stopped loving him and have never felt anger, although huge anxiety about whether he was telling us the truth (he was absolutely honest), whether we could have done something to help him as we knew that all was not well but he refused to open up until he started therapy. And of course we have had (still have) all the ongoing fears and anxieties about his future.
I don't believe you are odd to feel as you do towards your dad, although that is absolutely no criticism of anyone reading this who does feel anger towards their person. Every situation is different with nuances and circumstances, betrayals and so on specific to each of us. Like us, you are someone who has been able to work out how you feel. That's not trivialising your circumstances, or your feelings by the way, it's just how it is.
Our daughters are hugely angry towards their brother but have chosen to support him, mainly to not give us any more anguish but also as they are becoming able to see their brother behind the offences. I do grieve the loss of their easy going relationship with him though as things are definitely different.
Keep being you and I hope your dad knows how fortunate he is to have you :)
Grappling with the same. I can't easily reconcile my feelings about this kind of crime with how I feel about my son. Different for everyone, but imagine for a lot of them, whilst they have done something terrible, it doesn't define them and they are still so much more than this. They are still the person we loved and knew before, but with a large part we didn't know about which is hard to come to terms with.
There are so many factors that have led them here, and again different for everyone, but I do think there's a large number who are sucked in by dark places online by social media and the algorithm, leading to very extreme behaviours in wide range of areas, from pornography, to misogyny, weapons, online hate and suicide. When you layer on social isolation, changing norms for men in society, neurodivergence etc. it's easy to see how things might have spiralled.
In our case age (a child himself for most of it) coming to terms with sexuality, and bullying are all layered on top. It doesn't excuse it but helps me to process and it's just very very sad that there's not more that can be done to avoid this and so many are ending up in this awful situation. I really feel there should be another way for first offences that's less destructive and offers chance to rehabilitate, depending on circumstances of course.
I've found this article really helpful, in case others haven't seen/ find helpful too: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/05/i-didnt-start-out-wanting-to-see-kids-are-porn-algorithms-feeding-a-generation-of-paedophiles-or-creating-one
There are so many factors that have led them here, and again different for everyone, but I do think there's a large number who are sucked in by dark places online by social media and the algorithm, leading to very extreme behaviours in wide range of areas, from pornography, to misogyny, weapons, online hate and suicide. When you layer on social isolation, changing norms for men in society, neurodivergence etc. it's easy to see how things might have spiralled.
In our case age (a child himself for most of it) coming to terms with sexuality, and bullying are all layered on top. It doesn't excuse it but helps me to process and it's just very very sad that there's not more that can be done to avoid this and so many are ending up in this awful situation. I really feel there should be another way for first offences that's less destructive and offers chance to rehabilitate, depending on circumstances of course.
I've found this article really helpful, in case others haven't seen/ find helpful too: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/05/i-didnt-start-out-wanting-to-see-kids-are-porn-algorithms-feeding-a-generation-of-paedophiles-or-creating-one
Shfj....
You sum it all up perfectly, particularly your second paragraph. I just wish society would stop keeping it underground and help us parents/ wives to start a conversation about it.
I will be eternally grateful to LFF for the help they have given me, and for this forum, but I have to say I do wish they were doing more to start a grown up and open conversation about it and the scale of the problem.
You sum it all up perfectly, particularly your second paragraph. I just wish society would stop keeping it underground and help us parents/ wives to start a conversation about it.
I will be eternally grateful to LFF for the help they have given me, and for this forum, but I have to say I do wish they were doing more to start a grown up and open conversation about it and the scale of the problem.
I can't think beyond this process at the moment but I really hope in time I'll have the energy and bravery to do something to raise awareness of the terrible ripples of damage caused by the current approach.