Family and Friends Forum

Hello everyone. After reaching a really low point, I had taken a good few months break from the forum to try and get my head together. I have had a little catch up and its awful to see so many new usernames. After having a little bit of time to reflect, I wanted to share my thoughts.. particulalry with some of the users who may be stuck in the 'Do I leave or stay?' debate with themselves. I had that same debate in my own head for nearly a year before I finally left.

My OH and I ended our 13 year relationship in July following his initial plea hearing for IIOC. There are lots of reasons for this - obviously due to the offense itself but also because a lot of lies were exposed and honestly, I just couldn't trust him anymore and I wasn't willing to pay the life-long consequences for his actions.

It is only now that I have some distance from the situation that I can see things clearly. I truly loved my ex partner but I deserve better than a partner who can sneak about looking at horrific images online, keep this a secret and then lie to my face about it. I still believe my ex partner is not a monster but he made a terrible decision and he needs to live with the consequences of that - not me. I tried for nearly a year to rationalise his actions, mininise his responsibility and make excuses for him when I can see now, that wasn't my job to do. It is so painful to face the truth of what someone you love can be capable of and I think its only natural that we try and defend them to an extent, even when they do something awful. Deciding to end the relationship was a really difficult decision and it took me months to get to the point where I felt able to do it - emotionally and practically.

There have been a lot of lows since ending the relationship but there have been so many positives too. I didn't realise how high my anxiety levels were constantly until I left and I now feel a sense of peace most days. For the first time in ages, I am prioritising myself and I am actually starting to enjoy life again. My friendships have really grown over the last few months and I am starting to do things just for me again. There are still really difficult days but these are less frequent and even the hardest days aren't as hard as some of the days following the knock etc.

I want to be clear, I am definitely not critisising anyone who stays in their relationship. It is a very personal decision and everyones circumstances are different and complex. I admire the strength of some people in this forum who have stayed and managed to make their relationship work or even improve it. This post is more for the people who are on the fence and who may not have left due guilt or fear of the unknown - if that is you, then please consider leaving. I know how scary it is and it will be hard but it's not as hard as staying in a situation that isn't right. I promise things can and do get better and I wish I had listened to that advice earlier.