One year on
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Its been a while since I've been here, but tomorrow is a year since the shit hit the fan, and I feel the need to talk. I've been through some awful times in my life, but I think that day when the police turned up at my door on February 5th 2025, and barged in with a warrant was probably the worst day of my life. I'm not sure I'll ever forget how I felt when I read it - the shock, disbelief, the shaking and hyperventilating, and how small I felt standing with these 3 people in my house. And how my world crashing down around my ears felt almost physical.
I do not want to make an anniversary of this day, but these 'firsts' are always tough. My first Christmas without my ex husband was hard, as was my first birthday. But I know it'll get better and these memories will fade. We've been seperated since mid August last year, and I've started the divorce proceedings. I'm slowly getting used to living on my own again, and I know I'm at the start of my journey of finding out who I'll be after this. I'll be forever changed, that much I do know.
I still find the whole thing immensely confusing. I've had a steep education in something I never wanted to learn about, and I really should feel hatred towards him, but I don't. Well, most of the time...
I feel sorry for him, even after what he's done to me and how he's perpetuated the cycle of child abuse. If only he'd have talked to someone about his issues, he might have been different. But, he's ruined his life, and he's not taking me down with him. He's living with his dying mum, caring for her, exhausted and depressed, and under the shadow of charges being pressed, which is likely to be a long time yet. And none of that is my fault. And to all of you going through this, its absolutely not your fault either. I so admire those of you who decide to stay with your partner, but I admire those of you who decide to leave even more. For many of us its such a hard decision, and if you've made it, I want you to know that life will get better. We will come out the other side stronger and leave the stain of this behind us.
I do not want to make an anniversary of this day, but these 'firsts' are always tough. My first Christmas without my ex husband was hard, as was my first birthday. But I know it'll get better and these memories will fade. We've been seperated since mid August last year, and I've started the divorce proceedings. I'm slowly getting used to living on my own again, and I know I'm at the start of my journey of finding out who I'll be after this. I'll be forever changed, that much I do know.
I still find the whole thing immensely confusing. I've had a steep education in something I never wanted to learn about, and I really should feel hatred towards him, but I don't. Well, most of the time...
I feel sorry for him, even after what he's done to me and how he's perpetuated the cycle of child abuse. If only he'd have talked to someone about his issues, he might have been different. But, he's ruined his life, and he's not taking me down with him. He's living with his dying mum, caring for her, exhausted and depressed, and under the shadow of charges being pressed, which is likely to be a long time yet. And none of that is my fault. And to all of you going through this, its absolutely not your fault either. I so admire those of you who decide to stay with your partner, but I admire those of you who decide to leave even more. For many of us its such a hard decision, and if you've made it, I want you to know that life will get better. We will come out the other side stronger and leave the stain of this behind us.