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Hello. I am new to here unfortunately. Last year my OH was arrested for potentially talking to what he believed to be a 14 year girl which was in fact a decoy (peadophile hunter group). They came to our home, and live streamed it all over social media before then contacting the police. I have a younger daughter so there are currently bail conditioners in place, and he is no longer living in our home.
I just wanted to come on here really to see if anyone has, or is in a similar situation to me, and how you are surviving each day not only with the news, but also with social services involved, and how you feel in every day to day life, and what you think your steps are for the future.
I just wanted to come on here really to see if anyone has, or is in a similar situation to me, and how you are surviving each day not only with the news, but also with social services involved, and how you feel in every day to day life, and what you think your steps are for the future.
So sorry you find yourself here and sounds a horrendous experience. My situation is very different involving my son who was under 18 for the most part and we haven't had any public side to it yet. But the shock is the same and all the worries of what's to come, and there are a lot of difficult aspects of the conditions he's under while they investigate. We're 3 months in and it does settle a bit, you find a new normal and way of living alongside it while waiting for the outcome. I try not to think too far ahead, one day at a time, one hurdle at a time and just focus on what I can control not what I can't. Which is most of it. There are a lot of emotions early on. I haven't rung the helpline yet but that's a good place to go for advice or support if you need it. Be kind to yourself and take it easy x
Thank you for your response - I feel it would be easier but SS are involved so it's making things harder. Although they said they aren't here to judge, they seem to he making things very difficult for me. And can't even look my OH in the face without making it obvious what he's potentially done. We have visits every 2 weeks, and every visit it's always another kick in the stomach rather than just being there. My daughter is absolutely thriving, and I am trying to live a normal as possible life for her but then she sees me upset after a SW has visited, and asks questions. X
Hi this is very similar to my situation, and we're a few months down the line now. I have a son and just had another baby.
we worked hard to remove all the links on social media (you can request they be removed by Facebook etc as the case is ongoing and it impacts presumption of innocence).
we haven't had SS involvement because we're getting divorced and they seemed to accept that my son was thriving and his safety was my priority. My husband still comes over every day to do bedtime - sometimes it's easy to forget what happened. Other days it's like a cloud.
All the devices came back just before his date but it's still been extended for 3 months just for them to be certain. Some small part of me is still hoping for an NFA but I know it's unlikely.
my husband has done a lot of work on himself and is really trying very hard but some days it's impossible to not be bitter about how this has impacted my life and my kids lives, about how much harder it is with bail conditions and having no time alone (always needing to supervise) and the shame of nursery and midwife being contacted by SS.
im mainly just scared about media attention down the line- we ran a business and I'd done a lot of work with local media. Feel like that's put him on their radar if they notice the name when sentencing happens. But for now, just living day to day.
you are not alone z
we worked hard to remove all the links on social media (you can request they be removed by Facebook etc as the case is ongoing and it impacts presumption of innocence).
we haven't had SS involvement because we're getting divorced and they seemed to accept that my son was thriving and his safety was my priority. My husband still comes over every day to do bedtime - sometimes it's easy to forget what happened. Other days it's like a cloud.
All the devices came back just before his date but it's still been extended for 3 months just for them to be certain. Some small part of me is still hoping for an NFA but I know it's unlikely.
my husband has done a lot of work on himself and is really trying very hard but some days it's impossible to not be bitter about how this has impacted my life and my kids lives, about how much harder it is with bail conditions and having no time alone (always needing to supervise) and the shame of nursery and midwife being contacted by SS.
im mainly just scared about media attention down the line- we ran a business and I'd done a lot of work with local media. Feel like that's put him on their radar if they notice the name when sentencing happens. But for now, just living day to day.
you are not alone z
Thank you for responding as I feel like I haven't really had much.
So you have no involvement with social services at all? I haven't told them our relationship is over but I feel like it's getting to that point - we don't live together anymore. We try to do something on a weekend with my daughter to keep her life as normal as possible.
How long did it take for your devices to come back? My OH was arrested in September last year so we are 5 months in but we have been told we could be waiting 12 - 18 months.
I feel you, in the back of mind I wonder if there is any hope of NFA but I feel that would be too good to be true. And for him he doesn't say a lot other than 'he doesn't remember'.. I think I know what my future holds, for me and my little girl to go but I suppose I just want anwers, and confirmation of what he has potentially done, and if there is NFA is there any way we could continue a life.
So you have no involvement with social services at all? I haven't told them our relationship is over but I feel like it's getting to that point - we don't live together anymore. We try to do something on a weekend with my daughter to keep her life as normal as possible.
How long did it take for your devices to come back? My OH was arrested in September last year so we are 5 months in but we have been told we could be waiting 12 - 18 months.
I feel you, in the back of mind I wonder if there is any hope of NFA but I feel that would be too good to be true. And for him he doesn't say a lot other than 'he doesn't remember'.. I think I know what my future holds, for me and my little girl to go but I suppose I just want anwers, and confirmation of what he has potentially done, and if there is NFA is there any way we could continue a life.
So most devices came back immediately, I think it's just a phone and iPad they have. He was due for second interview end of Jan, and the police called to say all the devices were back but they still needed to check on their end, so they wouldn't meet the deadline. So we've been extended for 3 months.
re SS from what I've seen on here they are less likely to bother you if you are separated, as they see you taking your child's side over your relationship sort of thing. I was clear we have started the divorce process and I think because I've had no other issues they let it go. They said they will be back in touch when/if he is sentenced.
I still have a lot of compassion and love for my husband and we still do a lot together as a family, but I didn't feel the need to expand on that with SS. We follow the bail rules and I'm glad they have backed off. It was incredibly shameful to have to have a conversation with my child's nursery and face them every time I go in.
re SS from what I've seen on here they are less likely to bother you if you are separated, as they see you taking your child's side over your relationship sort of thing. I was clear we have started the divorce process and I think because I've had no other issues they let it go. They said they will be back in touch when/if he is sentenced.
I still have a lot of compassion and love for my husband and we still do a lot together as a family, but I didn't feel the need to expand on that with SS. We follow the bail rules and I'm glad they have backed off. It was incredibly shameful to have to have a conversation with my child's nursery and face them every time I go in.
I would add it's a bit shitty to say he 'can't remember' and as much as trust has been broken, my ex has been very open about everything. You can also ask to be officially put on the solicitor's approval list so you can see anything that's happening/evidence etc. I felt like without seeing things for myself I would go mad.
hope that helps!
hope that helps!
Thank you - this helps a lot.
I mean we are still together but are no way as strong as we were, and obviously a lot has changed. He has tea with us every night, and we try to do something on a weekend so I think it's harsh they've put us on a CPP as he doesn't live with us but we went on a holiday last year to America 5 weeks after this all happened as a big family, and they tried to stop him from going but couldn't so I think they spat their dummy out and put her on a CPP. I'm hoping once I've done this assessment she will move down but yes it is very shameful sat in meetings with her head teacher sat opposite us.
He does have a bad memory but all he has told me is about things that are already out in the open which is the evidence but I think there's more to it but 'he just can't remember' . It was put all over social media from the prediator hunters so his soliciter seems to think it could work well in his favour as it could potentionally throw out a fair trial if they find things on his devices.
I mean we are still together but are no way as strong as we were, and obviously a lot has changed. He has tea with us every night, and we try to do something on a weekend so I think it's harsh they've put us on a CPP as he doesn't live with us but we went on a holiday last year to America 5 weeks after this all happened as a big family, and they tried to stop him from going but couldn't so I think they spat their dummy out and put her on a CPP. I'm hoping once I've done this assessment she will move down but yes it is very shameful sat in meetings with her head teacher sat opposite us.
He does have a bad memory but all he has told me is about things that are already out in the open which is the evidence but I think there's more to it but 'he just can't remember' . It was put all over social media from the prediator hunters so his soliciter seems to think it could work well in his favour as it could potentionally throw out a fair trial if they find things on his devices.
Did he have any problems getting into America? Was he bailed at the time? We were thinking about trying to go before charged one last time!
He got through no problems but we did our Esta's a week before he was arrested so technically didn't lie on it but they can do spot checks where if that happened I'm not sure if they'd of gone into further looking. They just asked the 3 of us if we had anything to declare at the time of doing finger prints.
He did actually get checked at this end, and couldn't check in online the day before as he had 4 X's on his boarding pass where they do extra checks but that was more for drugs etc where they check his bags and footwear etc
Thanks. We've got ESTAs that are still valid from going last year but I'm still terrified something might show up that he's on bail. Tempting to try it before he has a record and be pretty impossible but big gamble! Glad you got through ok x
If you already have the Esta's they won't know, and if there isn't any travel restrictions then he should be fine - the police told my OH that as long as he came back he could travel anyway, they advised he updated his Esta but nothing would flag up as he had no travel bans