Best friend caught online
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Hello,
For the last week or so I have been dying of worry because I couldn't get hold of my best friend or his family. However, yesterday I was sent a video in which he was on a pdf hunters live stream having been caught talking to an underage decoy. He admitted everything. I am absolutely heartbroken and distraught.
For the last 3 years he's been my main source of comfort as I go through 2 trials in which I am the victim of R and SA. I absolutely can't get to grips with what he's done, I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
How do you even begin to deal with this? I feel like he's died. He's just been ripped from my life overnight, even though it's his fault. I'm terrified what he's done with my own talk and experience of SA as I now suspect it's something he's "into".
I just don't know where to turn. I can't tell anyone because I'm so afraid of being accused of knowing. There were no signs at all. I'm scared.
For the last week or so I have been dying of worry because I couldn't get hold of my best friend or his family. However, yesterday I was sent a video in which he was on a pdf hunters live stream having been caught talking to an underage decoy. He admitted everything. I am absolutely heartbroken and distraught.
For the last 3 years he's been my main source of comfort as I go through 2 trials in which I am the victim of R and SA. I absolutely can't get to grips with what he's done, I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
How do you even begin to deal with this? I feel like he's died. He's just been ripped from my life overnight, even though it's his fault. I'm terrified what he's done with my own talk and experience of SA as I now suspect it's something he's "into".
I just don't know where to turn. I can't tell anyone because I'm so afraid of being accused of knowing. There were no signs at all. I'm scared.
When youre ready ask for them to sit down and talk about the how and most importantly why they did it. See what they have to say for themselves. Knowing why is so important for you to be able to start healing from the news. Whether you stay as their friend or not is 100% your decision to make.
There is no rush for this conversation as im sure he has to come to term with himself as to why he did it. Because a lot of men sit in denial about it for a while.
Just know youre not alone and the helpline here is really good.
There is no rush for this conversation as im sure he has to come to term with himself as to why he did it. Because a lot of men sit in denial about it for a while.
Just know youre not alone and the helpline here is really good.
First off, I'm so sorry. That is heartbreaking and your feelings are completely reasonable. Secondly, please please don't think that anyone - especially the kind of professionals you can reach out - will think you knew. They really won't! These men can be unbelievably secretive and deceptive. This forum alone is littered with wives, women who shared a home with them, who had absolutely no idea. So absolutely talk to someone. If you're already working with someone regarding your past experiences they will be a good starting point.
Grief is a very good analogy. It is like the person who thought you knew has 'died'.
Regarding his motives for supporting you, you may unfortunately be right...but he may also have completely compartmentalised it all in his mind, somehow keeping the two aspects of his life entirely separate. Some people have a really weird capacity for that. Regarding my ex, I've had to accept that both the 'hims', the awful one and one I lived with every day, are both 'him' - neither is more or less real than the other.
The hardest part is that there will quite probably never be a definite answer. I'm not convinced regarding talking to him - you will have no idea whether he's lying / manipulating you or not TBH. Actual solid answers will only come for you when it goes to trial. If he genuinely wants to sort his life out that's up to him. Given your experiences you are probably wise to step well away rather than risk being retraumatised. Its 100% ok to have a very blunt No Male Crap policy. I think we women can have an incredibly strong 'fixer' or 'rescuer' impulse when it comes to men, but that impulse is frequently not a healthy one.
Grief is a very good analogy. It is like the person who thought you knew has 'died'.
Regarding his motives for supporting you, you may unfortunately be right...but he may also have completely compartmentalised it all in his mind, somehow keeping the two aspects of his life entirely separate. Some people have a really weird capacity for that. Regarding my ex, I've had to accept that both the 'hims', the awful one and one I lived with every day, are both 'him' - neither is more or less real than the other.
The hardest part is that there will quite probably never be a definite answer. I'm not convinced regarding talking to him - you will have no idea whether he's lying / manipulating you or not TBH. Actual solid answers will only come for you when it goes to trial. If he genuinely wants to sort his life out that's up to him. Given your experiences you are probably wise to step well away rather than risk being retraumatised. Its 100% ok to have a very blunt No Male Crap policy. I think we women can have an incredibly strong 'fixer' or 'rescuer' impulse when it comes to men, but that impulse is frequently not a healthy one.
Thank you both for your replies <3
I don't think discussing it with him is an option for me. I was a victim of CSA myself and have been through a lot of SA as an adult. I think having seen a 45 minute video of him admit everything is probably enough. The sending and requesting of images, attempting to plan a meet and the vile stuff he said is enough. Maybe if he'd tried to claim he was set up or it wasn't him, I'd be open to that. My gut tells me this isn't the first time.
It has been horrible. I've been through a lot in my life but this has really felt like my heart has been ripped out. Not only because someone so close to me is just gone now, completely ripped from my life with no warning, but because of the man I thought he was and depended upon as he was so supportive throughout my SA case. It's a nauseous feeling I still can't shake.
I am a vulnerable adult myself. I have autism and CPTSD. I decided to tell my social worker what has happened, as I am worried about being manipulated into being a bail address for him or something as he was living in his family home with young siblings etc. I think I did the right thing, but I feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't seek him out but I just want my friend back. However, he's not the person I thought I knew.
I know the police had his phone but I text it anyway a series of stupidly long messages just about how I feel. I feel selfish. I'm not trying to make it about me but I needed closure. I realise all I'm probably doing is making the police laugh at me.
It's all really sad, distressing and shocking. I think I'm still in shock. It doesn't feel real and I keep thinking I'm in a nightmare and I will wake up soon.
This forum has been super helpful for me. I'm so sorry for everyone else going through this. I know I'm only a friend of someone like this but I can't imagine how painful it is for family etc as this is one of the most painful things I've ever been through.
Thank you x
I don't think discussing it with him is an option for me. I was a victim of CSA myself and have been through a lot of SA as an adult. I think having seen a 45 minute video of him admit everything is probably enough. The sending and requesting of images, attempting to plan a meet and the vile stuff he said is enough. Maybe if he'd tried to claim he was set up or it wasn't him, I'd be open to that. My gut tells me this isn't the first time.
It has been horrible. I've been through a lot in my life but this has really felt like my heart has been ripped out. Not only because someone so close to me is just gone now, completely ripped from my life with no warning, but because of the man I thought he was and depended upon as he was so supportive throughout my SA case. It's a nauseous feeling I still can't shake.
I am a vulnerable adult myself. I have autism and CPTSD. I decided to tell my social worker what has happened, as I am worried about being manipulated into being a bail address for him or something as he was living in his family home with young siblings etc. I think I did the right thing, but I feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't seek him out but I just want my friend back. However, he's not the person I thought I knew.
I know the police had his phone but I text it anyway a series of stupidly long messages just about how I feel. I feel selfish. I'm not trying to make it about me but I needed closure. I realise all I'm probably doing is making the police laugh at me.
It's all really sad, distressing and shocking. I think I'm still in shock. It doesn't feel real and I keep thinking I'm in a nightmare and I will wake up soon.
This forum has been super helpful for me. I'm so sorry for everyone else going through this. I know I'm only a friend of someone like this but I can't imagine how painful it is for family etc as this is one of the most painful things I've ever been through.
Thank you x
Hi, I so sorry to find you here but I'm in a very similar situation to you with my OH. He had a knock at the door, and confronted by a PHG - it has turned my life upset down, worse because he has been Step Dad to my daughter for the last 4 / 5 years so she doesn't remember life before him. We very much have social services involved which is just horrific in itself, and causing so much stress. His family is also my family, and SS won't accept that and just telling me they're all for him and would choose him over me, and my daugher. A little piece me of me is hoping there is NFA and we can maybe look at some sort of future. All I know from a live stream is that is was 14 year old decoy, and he asked for images and he sent a couple just of his face - there is no arrangements for meets up just that it moved to WhatsApp. I have no idea what to think, and this place only seems to be the place I have for support
I wish I had more useful advice. It's not even been a week and although we don't live in the same city I am still so heartbroken I haven't left the house. I miss my friend so much, and although my social care team don't want me in contact with him I wish I was. His devices have obviously been seized, I have no idea what his bail conditions are.
I know most people on here are parents and partners, and I feel kind of stupid for being so affected but the void this has left in my life is so painful.
It's like my friend died because he's just gone, but also it's like he died because I don't even know him. People are very unsympathetic to it all. They think it's automatically that I'm better off without him but they don't understand just how much of our lives were shared. Hours every day.
I'm also worried about him now the shock has worn off. I don't want to feel sorry for him but I'm terrified he will harm himself.
This is all so terrible, honestly.
I know most people on here are parents and partners, and I feel kind of stupid for being so affected but the void this has left in my life is so painful.
It's like my friend died because he's just gone, but also it's like he died because I don't even know him. People are very unsympathetic to it all. They think it's automatically that I'm better off without him but they don't understand just how much of our lives were shared. Hours every day.
I'm also worried about him now the shock has worn off. I don't want to feel sorry for him but I'm terrified he will harm himself.
This is all so terrible, honestly.
You've obviously lost someone very close to you - there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling how you feel! For what its worth, I would trust your social care team on this, but they should also be supporting you as much as possible. They may nlt grasp how important this person was to you. Obviously I don't know much about your situation, but you clearly need people you can talk to about this on a regular basis. And I'd definitely try the helpline here if you haven't already. The 'good' news is that the grief does pass. It really does. Be prepared for it to take a while though. Don't be hard on yourself. In the medium to longterm I hope you can build up new friendships and a strong support network.
