Family and Friends Forum

For us it was our son, but we still had to tell his adult sisters and one of them was planning her wedding. It helped that they are both in Australia so we had to tell them via FaceTime. They were able to distance themselves a bit emotionally but we were surprised that one was very open to finding out all the reasons why whereas the other was far more angry and disgusted. That has now changed and she even came over recently and saw her brother (suspended sentence) and on the surface they got on OK although they didn't mention anything about his offences so it was a bit of an elephant in the room. I am so sad that this will always be somehing hovering in the background for you. You will have to tell your daughter obviously, and until you talk to her you won't be able to guess how she will react but hard though it may be you wil have to just allow her to feel whatever she feels at first - but she may have lots of questions including whether you're standing by him (I'm assuming he's her dad but if not she may feel very differently about him and your decisions about your relationship.)

As for the wedding, that will be your daughter's decision whether she wants him there - it is so very hard for you. Our daughter had mellowed by the time she had her wedding celebration (she came over after the actual wedding and had a big party) but she had no children coming, apart from our son's children who were allowed to be with their dad as long as we were there supervising.

Both our daugters are angry with their brother though for giving us this worry at a time when we should have been enjoying our retirement so that can be a delicate situation for us to manage.

Lots more I could say but I'm not sure of any specifics regarding your partner, eg is he still living with you? I might be assuming things in any more comments.

My son's decided to cut all contact with their father and I support their decision but I do worry if what has happened will affect them later in life. I will never forget my eldest crying in front of me and worrying incase he went through same way. Thankfully he is a decent human and has high morals.

The ripples from this offence are so wide reaching - I'm now divorced but the kids ff cats are still there

I think 'when' should be as soon as possible. Its a controversial one on here, but I can very much understand family members' anger and feelings of distrust and betrayal when something this serious is kept from them. There won't be a 'better' time next week or next month or next year.

Speaking as an adult sister of an offender. My parents told me at the point when it hit the press (after guilty plea, before sentencing). I found out from them, not the press, but I do wonder at what point I would have found out had it not hit the press. My brother then told me himself a few days later, he didn't know that they had already told me.

At the time I was a bit hurt that my parents hadn't confided in me earlier, mostly because I was sad that they had carried this burden alone since the knock. But I do understand that they didn't want to blow everything up unnecessarily should the charges be dropped. I was much more angry with my brother around everything including not telling me before.

I would encourage you to tell her as soon as possible. I think it really is your OH's responsibility to tell her, not yours, but that's by the by. You wouldn't want her to find out from other sources and hopefully she will be another source of support for you.

I do agree that it's really your partner's responsibility, especially if he has had a close stepfather type relationship with your daughter (its a bit different if you've only been together a year or two and she just sees him very occasionally). I'm not personally very patient with the whole "not ready to talk about it" thing TBH - I feel like we women aren't given those kind of choices and are just expected to clean up the mess. I wasn't 'ready to talk about it' with anyone either but I just had to get on with it!

Hi there

I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I told our adult (24 and 26) kids just before the first court date (it got adjourned) as i didnt want them to find out from the papers. I was surprised at how supportive they are being. My daughter is very angry with him but is still being civil to him, my son is being really supportive to him actually which has surprised me. I think you will know when the time is right, and he ideally should be present too. My husband was very reluctant to ever tell them (i think he thought it would all just go away) but i kind of forced the situation as i felt i needed the support (from them) as nobody else really knew. Its all the secrecy and shame that makes it all so much more difficult isn't it. Both my kids are planning weddings next year so its all such bad timing, and the same for you. The whole thing is so crap but at least we don't have under 18's in our houses as that brings up a whole host of other problems doesnt it. Sending you strength to deal with it and hopefully your daughter will be as supportive as mine has been xx