When will it start getting easier? I'm exhausted.
Notifications OFF
Had the knock in October, I was 2 weeks postpartum and have a 5 year old as well. Husband had been 'talking' to an underage girl (was actually a police officer but he obviously didn't know that) whilst I was in hospital and whilst he was looking after our eldest child. The whole thing makes me feel so sick, betrayed, devasted and angry. I never saw anything like this coming as he was in a trusted profession that works with children!
I have started putting so much in place like moving to be closer to family meaning I have left my job whilst on maternity leave, selling the house, looking to find a new place to live, getting oldest child into a new school, selling things to fund everything, starting mediation etc. it feels never ending and extremely expensive. I cannot believe how much it costs to get a divorce and a solicitor. There is just so much to do and think about It is so overwhelming. It feels so so unfair that life as it was has been totally ripped away from me and our children through no fault of our own. To make things worse him and his family are just being so difficult about everything when I have been more than fair and supportive. Somehow I'm always the one not doing something right or not doing enough or I reminded about how hard it is for them too. I am so fed up of this nightmare now.
I think I just need some reassurance that I am doing the right things. I need 70% of the house sale equity in order to find a property for me and the children moving forwards. He is not moving on wanting 50/50 split- I wish I could say the reason he gave because it's outrageous but it would identify me to him if he read this. Is it fair of me to have 70%. With the children he wants every other weekend to be visits with me dropping them off with him and his family and then his family would bring them back to me. I absolutely can't stand the thought of this. I am happy to do supervised visits but always being supervised by myself or my close family. I no longer trust him or his family with how they have acted since this happened. Interestingly our social worker agreed with me and that has caused all kinds of unnecessary conflict as well because it was stated in our final report and obviously they aren't happy with it. Any advice much appreciated because I feel like I've been strong throughout but I'm exhausted and want to wake up from the never ending nightmare now.
Thank you if you got this far!
I have started putting so much in place like moving to be closer to family meaning I have left my job whilst on maternity leave, selling the house, looking to find a new place to live, getting oldest child into a new school, selling things to fund everything, starting mediation etc. it feels never ending and extremely expensive. I cannot believe how much it costs to get a divorce and a solicitor. There is just so much to do and think about It is so overwhelming. It feels so so unfair that life as it was has been totally ripped away from me and our children through no fault of our own. To make things worse him and his family are just being so difficult about everything when I have been more than fair and supportive. Somehow I'm always the one not doing something right or not doing enough or I reminded about how hard it is for them too. I am so fed up of this nightmare now.
I think I just need some reassurance that I am doing the right things. I need 70% of the house sale equity in order to find a property for me and the children moving forwards. He is not moving on wanting 50/50 split- I wish I could say the reason he gave because it's outrageous but it would identify me to him if he read this. Is it fair of me to have 70%. With the children he wants every other weekend to be visits with me dropping them off with him and his family and then his family would bring them back to me. I absolutely can't stand the thought of this. I am happy to do supervised visits but always being supervised by myself or my close family. I no longer trust him or his family with how they have acted since this happened. Interestingly our social worker agreed with me and that has caused all kinds of unnecessary conflict as well because it was stated in our final report and obviously they aren't happy with it. Any advice much appreciated because I feel like I've been strong throughout but I'm exhausted and want to wake up from the never ending nightmare now.
Thank you if you got this far!
Hello there, just wanted to offer some solidarity.
it sounds like he's being incredibly unreasonable and so is his family. He did this to you: none of this would be necessary if he hadn't done what he's done and it sounds like he's not ashamed enough tbh. You deserve to be able to house your kids and be safe.
Its great that social services are on you side and tbh any divorce lawyer could easily argue everything for you. It seems to obvious.
im so sorry you had to go through such upheaval post partum - I had a similar situation at 7 months pregnant. We are also divorcing but my husband is incredibly ashamed and sorry and is work in on himself - he would never dream of making demands because he knows he hasn't got a leg to stand on, there is only one person to blame here. I hope you get peace soon, you're doing so much!
it sounds like he's being incredibly unreasonable and so is his family. He did this to you: none of this would be necessary if he hadn't done what he's done and it sounds like he's not ashamed enough tbh. You deserve to be able to house your kids and be safe.
Its great that social services are on you side and tbh any divorce lawyer could easily argue everything for you. It seems to obvious.
im so sorry you had to go through such upheaval post partum - I had a similar situation at 7 months pregnant. We are also divorcing but my husband is incredibly ashamed and sorry and is work in on himself - he would never dream of making demands because he knows he hasn't got a leg to stand on, there is only one person to blame here. I hope you get peace soon, you're doing so much!
Thank you for your reply, sorry you're in a similar position but I'm so glad your husband is acting more responsibly. It seemed like mine was also going to be at first but as soon as I made the decision that we needed to divorce he switched completely. ????
Hi heartbroken
I took a similar route to you, I started all the practical things first to secure a home and financial stability and tried to keep to some sort of normal whilst I tried to work through the feelings and shock and adjustment all whilst figuring out how to try keep some level of normal for my child.
I didn't know what to do for the best but now I'm at the other side I can now see I did make the right choices and do the right thing. All the decisions I made that I felt were right but others made me doubt have proven to be the right ones. I said that no contact would devastate my child and it did (so we worked hard to get supervised back in place). I knew social services were box ticking and immediately lost all interest as soon as I said I was getting a divorce even though that now means the ex now hardly speaks (which is better for my mental health not having to deal with him) but also as I said worse to keep an eye on his risk and behaviour if I have virtually no contact or opportunity to see that behaviour.
The one thing everyone agrees on; all decisions are hard, the whole situation is a raft of unappealing options (you have to go for the best of a bad bunch). But most importantly you will get through it and draw strength you didn't know you had from places you didn't know existed.
I took a similar route to you, I started all the practical things first to secure a home and financial stability and tried to keep to some sort of normal whilst I tried to work through the feelings and shock and adjustment all whilst figuring out how to try keep some level of normal for my child.
I didn't know what to do for the best but now I'm at the other side I can now see I did make the right choices and do the right thing. All the decisions I made that I felt were right but others made me doubt have proven to be the right ones. I said that no contact would devastate my child and it did (so we worked hard to get supervised back in place). I knew social services were box ticking and immediately lost all interest as soon as I said I was getting a divorce even though that now means the ex now hardly speaks (which is better for my mental health not having to deal with him) but also as I said worse to keep an eye on his risk and behaviour if I have virtually no contact or opportunity to see that behaviour.
The one thing everyone agrees on; all decisions are hard, the whole situation is a raft of unappealing options (you have to go for the best of a bad bunch). But most importantly you will get through it and draw strength you didn't know you had from places you didn't know existed.
I would say it totally reasonable to request 70% his actions have meant your life is over and you require that money to provide a safe home for your children. Whether a court would agree if it went there I dont know.
I dont blame you for not trusting his family anf the fact SS are on your side. If it end up going yo family court that is a really good thing. Trust your gut. More time needs to pass before they van be trusted
I dont blame you for not trusting his family anf the fact SS are on your side. If it end up going yo family court that is a really good thing. Trust your gut. More time needs to pass before they van be trusted