What happens now?
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Hi everyone, firstly I would like to thank you all for all the information you have shared on this forum... ive been reading as much as i can. We got the knock on the door a week ago!! and i feel completely and utterly broken at the moment, with so many questions running through my mind. Although it has slightly sunk in what he has been doing, i fear the unknown in reguards to SS.. im choosing to stay with and support my partner but i can never condone what he has done.. i like to think im a very understanding person and i can see how his life has led him to this dark path even though there is no excuse for his behaviour. He is remorseful and feels relieved with the knock, but can't live with what it has done to me and our family. I can't help but worry what this means for me and my children! We have a 2 year old together and 1 each from different relationships. I know hand on heart he would never hurt our children, he is the most loving and protective father.. im not worried about the police, they have a job to do and handled the situation professionally and treated my partner with so much humility before and esspecially after his interview. And my partner is ready for his punishment which he says himself, he so rightly deserves. Its more a worry about SS thinking im an unfit mum for choosing to stay and support him to end this disgusting cycle..
Please if anyone can help me with what to expect from SS and how to keep them satisfied as im going out of my mind with worry... will they take my babies away? Will they think im being manipulated? Will they keep pushing till we break up? Am i best telling them im not supporting him? What is a child in need plan and what can i expect from it? How does it lead to chipd protection plan? What do they expect from me as a mother? So many questions but i just cant think straight at the moment. Alls i want is whats in the best interest of my children and that isn't to take away there father as he is on no contact at all since the knock. It has been the worst week of my life! our child has never spent a day away from her dad in the short time she has been on earth and i worry what this is doing to her. Will SS have something to say if i tell them they speak on the phone? Does no contact mean not even on the phone? Will i get into trouble for letting her hear his voice, just to try and keep some normality for her.... sorry for all the questions, i have so many more running trough my mind but im sure you can all imagen, i cant think straight right now.
You are all amazing in the support you have shown each other, two weeks ago i would of said i would never want to be with someone like this, now i see this whole subject in a different light.. im still absaloutly heart broken i have joined ,as someone previously put, "the club nobody wants to join" but extremely greatful for all you lovely strong women and the support you give each other. I hope in time, i too can answer questions for others but at this present moment im numb and dont have any clarity on whats about to happen to my precious family..
Thanks in advance for any replies xxx
Please if anyone can help me with what to expect from SS and how to keep them satisfied as im going out of my mind with worry... will they take my babies away? Will they think im being manipulated? Will they keep pushing till we break up? Am i best telling them im not supporting him? What is a child in need plan and what can i expect from it? How does it lead to chipd protection plan? What do they expect from me as a mother? So many questions but i just cant think straight at the moment. Alls i want is whats in the best interest of my children and that isn't to take away there father as he is on no contact at all since the knock. It has been the worst week of my life! our child has never spent a day away from her dad in the short time she has been on earth and i worry what this is doing to her. Will SS have something to say if i tell them they speak on the phone? Does no contact mean not even on the phone? Will i get into trouble for letting her hear his voice, just to try and keep some normality for her.... sorry for all the questions, i have so many more running trough my mind but im sure you can all imagen, i cant think straight right now.
You are all amazing in the support you have shown each other, two weeks ago i would of said i would never want to be with someone like this, now i see this whole subject in a different light.. im still absaloutly heart broken i have joined ,as someone previously put, "the club nobody wants to join" but extremely greatful for all you lovely strong women and the support you give each other. I hope in time, i too can answer questions for others but at this present moment im numb and dont have any clarity on whats about to happen to my precious family..
Thanks in advance for any replies xxx
This is such a hard time and the first few weeks are the worst. My daughter was 11 months when we had the knock. I will warn you that i was told by social services that no contact meant no contact that he wasnt allowed to speak to her on the phone. No facetime and was advised to get him to write a letter for her to read when she is older.
As for you they will be watching you and judging you on what you do now for your children. The best advise I had was that they are not working for your benefit but for the safe being and best interest of your children. All I can say is do whatever they advise you to. Work with them and they are more likely to see you as a protector. This is how my daughter stayed as a child in need and not child protection which is what she shiuld have been.
Be honest. I was in contact with him and was told that they were concerned i was being too friendly. But i explained that i needed to speak to him to sort out his belongings to sort out bills and child support and they accepted that and i explained i was planning a divorce and needed to stay on friendly terms as i didnt want that to be difficult as i brought more to the marriage property and finanical and i needed to stay friends to protect them. Which they did accept.
As for contact speak to your social worker in the meeting. Our child protection was to keep my daughter safe from the threat of sexual abuse. And when i said i wanted her to see him until the court case and then make a decision they agreed and he had visitation in a contact centre with social services suppervising.
As horrible as it is to say you are at the start of a long journey and it isnt going to be easy. Take things a step at a time. Write down questions and ask them when you have meetings. And they will sound bad too especially if you want to help him but you need to do as social services say for your own sake which will limit any contact he has with the children
As for you they will be watching you and judging you on what you do now for your children. The best advise I had was that they are not working for your benefit but for the safe being and best interest of your children. All I can say is do whatever they advise you to. Work with them and they are more likely to see you as a protector. This is how my daughter stayed as a child in need and not child protection which is what she shiuld have been.
Be honest. I was in contact with him and was told that they were concerned i was being too friendly. But i explained that i needed to speak to him to sort out his belongings to sort out bills and child support and they accepted that and i explained i was planning a divorce and needed to stay on friendly terms as i didnt want that to be difficult as i brought more to the marriage property and finanical and i needed to stay friends to protect them. Which they did accept.
As for contact speak to your social worker in the meeting. Our child protection was to keep my daughter safe from the threat of sexual abuse. And when i said i wanted her to see him until the court case and then make a decision they agreed and he had visitation in a contact centre with social services suppervising.
As horrible as it is to say you are at the start of a long journey and it isnt going to be easy. Take things a step at a time. Write down questions and ask them when you have meetings. And they will sound bad too especially if you want to help him but you need to do as social services say for your own sake which will limit any contact he has with the children
I too am supporting my husband. He was released 6 weeks ago and SS are now involved. He was on bail for a year and I was living in another borough and the social worker I saw said I was fine supervise our children. He was not allowed to stay overnight or be alone with them but apart from that we could live a normal life. However I'm now in a new borough and 2 weeks ago I was visited by SS and the lady was horrible. She couldn't understand why I wanted to support my husband when I had children and how can I put my children at risk. I know my children will never be st risk with him or any other children. We have had a long time over the last three years to talk about everything and I know he will never get to such a low point again. However I know that I have to do everything SS say. So basically they have put our girls who are 5 and 7 on a care plan and they will do some preparation work with them and if they can see my husband is doing his best to change his life (probation are getting him in a course and he has asked to do anything can to show he's not a risk)then they will let him see the girls at a contact centre then hopefully I can supervise. I've had a call from the sw who will start the process and just need to arrange an initial meeting. My daughters are asking daily when daddy is home and miss him so much. In prison he was allowed written contact and photos. Now they can write and text. No idea why they can't speak to him in the phone. I suffer with anxiety since the knock and do everything encounter with SS is absolohrll gor me but I know I'm not going to give in. The initial SW said I can make them go away by agreeing to never see my husband again. I want my family back together and for us to move forward to a brighter, completely open and honest future.
Social services was my biggest worry having never had them in my life before and i couldnt get any advice or see anything possitive anywhere online for help and advice until i found stop it now. The first few weeks feel beyond a nightmare, its been a few months for me. Its still a nightmare but easier to manage. Just try to remember you have done nothing wrong. Social services will be looking at safeguarding, not helping you or advising you. I naively thought they would help and give me advice as i had done nothing wrong. They will talk to you on the phone them come and see you. It wont be easy they will want to know all about you and your opinion on whats happened. They want to know you understand the risk your partner may pose, that you know the seriousness of whats happened and that you are capable and willing to put the children first. I found it so helpful to call the helpline for advice, look on the parents protect website etc. They will likely want to see the kids and talk to them. Im not sure the ages of your kids but mine they played some games with and chatted with them, all fairly fun for the kids. We then had a child in need meeting, nothing really happened at ours and we have no plan other than supervised access. Then we got a named social worker who did everything again and did a risk assessment with my partner. Unfortunatly that is as far along as we are so i cant give any advice on outcones or what happens next. My situation is to do with my partner having a sexual communication with a minor not images but i would imagine social services advise supervised access in all cases. Ask them to be very clear on what can and cant be done. Social services will also speak to the police about your partner. Its ok to want to support your partner, i support mine but you must put the kids first however difficult it feels. Do what social services say and stay strong.
Sorry that makes it sound like im saying its difficult to put the kids first. I mean put the kids first and find out what you can and cant do, in this difficult time. We as partners are under such a massive stress and pressure its hard to know what the right thing to do is.
Thank you all for the replies, Im taking as much in as i can.
I understand everyones situation is different.. Atm im trusting the police and waiting for the investigation to hurry up and be over (i know the time scale is different for everyone and i expect it to be a very long wait) from the moment of arrest my partner has been honest about what he has done, but i need the police to back up what hes told me, to start to move forward. If hes lied at any point my loyalty may change which i have made clear to him. He hasn't downloaded any images of children but engaged in sexual chat with other adults, while he posed as a child. The context of the chat has made me physically sick. He was sent images of children being abused (reason for arrest) but was quick to reply with how sick the individual is and don't they feel ashamed and disgusted in themselves, as for him it was never reality just role play (im clinging onto this as proof to the police hes not a threat to our children or any other child) but will SS see it the same way?
He was sexually abused as a young boy and says it was more so he could normalize what happend to him. I always knew he was sexually abused but he never gave details, and has never openly spoke about it.. since arrest he has opened up about what exactly happend to him as a young boy and growing up in foster care where he wasn't protected by SS who where in his life alot till he reached 18. Niether was he protected by foster parents who continued to beat him and suppressed his tears anytime he cried, im horrified about what he went through. I know its not an excuse but i can understand how he got to the point he did.
SW just phoned she is coming tomorrow morning i feel physically sick, alls i want is whats best for my children, i will protect them till my last breath and Im willing to do what ever it takes. If they say jump, i will say how high? But i don't want to give up on my partner either as opening up about old suppressed feeling of his childhood isn't easy for him and he needs support to get through it. I know SS have a job to do and i respect they are trying to protect my children. But where was they when he needed them? When an actual child (not only him but his brothers and sisters too) needed protecting from sexual, physical and mental abuse? They where around but didn't pick up on anything... when it was clear something wasn't right!!! His siblings had to see physiologist as children and no one picked up on anything.. I have no faith in them atm. But i know i need to comply for the sake of my children.
Sorry for drowning on but i think its important for people to see why im supporting my partner, i dont want to give up on him the way SS did, or his foster parents. I want to help, not only for him and our children but to stop the cycle altogether. He has finally seen the impact of the abuse he endured and with opening up he wants to get that evil scum off our streets!!!! so after investigations are done and punishment (if he gets any-this is punishment enough for now) has been served, he wants to finally do whats right and report everything to the police in hopes of finding his abuser and getting some sort of justice. As it not only effects him but our whole family now. And we can't have abusers on our streets he needs to suffer for what he has done. He gained the trust of a very vunreble child and repeatedly sexually abused him. Im not shifting blame (my partner is accountable for his actions as an adult) but i can't help but feel if his childhood was different none of this would of happend!! and the day we stand together in court and look that scum in the eyes will be some sort of therapy into moving forward. Thanks again for all the replies
Im hoping and praying if what hes said is true there will be no further action (in the eyes of the law, the police said its a possibility) but how will SS see it? will they back off or will my children be watched forever?
Hugs to each and everyone of you strong women
I understand everyones situation is different.. Atm im trusting the police and waiting for the investigation to hurry up and be over (i know the time scale is different for everyone and i expect it to be a very long wait) from the moment of arrest my partner has been honest about what he has done, but i need the police to back up what hes told me, to start to move forward. If hes lied at any point my loyalty may change which i have made clear to him. He hasn't downloaded any images of children but engaged in sexual chat with other adults, while he posed as a child. The context of the chat has made me physically sick. He was sent images of children being abused (reason for arrest) but was quick to reply with how sick the individual is and don't they feel ashamed and disgusted in themselves, as for him it was never reality just role play (im clinging onto this as proof to the police hes not a threat to our children or any other child) but will SS see it the same way?
He was sexually abused as a young boy and says it was more so he could normalize what happend to him. I always knew he was sexually abused but he never gave details, and has never openly spoke about it.. since arrest he has opened up about what exactly happend to him as a young boy and growing up in foster care where he wasn't protected by SS who where in his life alot till he reached 18. Niether was he protected by foster parents who continued to beat him and suppressed his tears anytime he cried, im horrified about what he went through. I know its not an excuse but i can understand how he got to the point he did.
SW just phoned she is coming tomorrow morning i feel physically sick, alls i want is whats best for my children, i will protect them till my last breath and Im willing to do what ever it takes. If they say jump, i will say how high? But i don't want to give up on my partner either as opening up about old suppressed feeling of his childhood isn't easy for him and he needs support to get through it. I know SS have a job to do and i respect they are trying to protect my children. But where was they when he needed them? When an actual child (not only him but his brothers and sisters too) needed protecting from sexual, physical and mental abuse? They where around but didn't pick up on anything... when it was clear something wasn't right!!! His siblings had to see physiologist as children and no one picked up on anything.. I have no faith in them atm. But i know i need to comply for the sake of my children.
Sorry for drowning on but i think its important for people to see why im supporting my partner, i dont want to give up on him the way SS did, or his foster parents. I want to help, not only for him and our children but to stop the cycle altogether. He has finally seen the impact of the abuse he endured and with opening up he wants to get that evil scum off our streets!!!! so after investigations are done and punishment (if he gets any-this is punishment enough for now) has been served, he wants to finally do whats right and report everything to the police in hopes of finding his abuser and getting some sort of justice. As it not only effects him but our whole family now. And we can't have abusers on our streets he needs to suffer for what he has done. He gained the trust of a very vunreble child and repeatedly sexually abused him. Im not shifting blame (my partner is accountable for his actions as an adult) but i can't help but feel if his childhood was different none of this would of happend!! and the day we stand together in court and look that scum in the eyes will be some sort of therapy into moving forward. Thanks again for all the replies
Im hoping and praying if what hes said is true there will be no further action (in the eyes of the law, the police said its a possibility) but how will SS see it? will they back off or will my children be watched forever?
Hugs to each and everyone of you strong women
Ive been learning there are no answers. I too wanted to know the future but ive come to realise i cant do that. Its one day at a time and one thing at a time. Our situations are all different, the reasons for offending are all different. Your partner has had an awful time and i hope from now he can recieve the help and support he needs and also that you are able to get the help and support you need to get through this. You cannot guess what child services will do. For me i wanted to know everything but i cant. So now i stick to what i can do, i can show im a protective parent, i can supervise my partner, i can learn more about everything and i can get help and support for me and i can help and support my partner. Concentrate on the now, what contact you would like him to have and how you go about getting that. Seek advice from the helpline and anywhere you can. Each case is different and each social worker different, they have a tiny snap shot of your life not the full picture.
I had our child in need meeting last week following an assessment at home, then the social workers came today to meet my daughter and myself in our home, they looked round her bedroom, they were very friendly and nice, they are going to be visiting us at home every 3 to 4 weeks and seeing my daughter at school every two weeks, their aim is to basically keep her safe and teach me how to do that and understand the importance, at the moment she has supervised access with her dad with me being the supervisor away from the family home, my husband wasn’t arrested for downloading images it was about sexual chat with other adults about children, I understand this will continue until the investigation is over which is probably another 8 months I’ve been informed, our next child in need meeting is beginning of January where they will reassess, this has been my experience so far, hope it helps,
stay strong girls xx
stay strong girls xx