I’m so sorry you’re facing this. There really are no words for how devastating and disorientating it feels to be in this place. My situation is a little different from yours, the person involved is my son, not my other half, but I remember that overwhelming sense of shock, fear and disbelief so clearly.

I made the decision to tell my daughter and my mum the morning after his arrest. I barely slept that night, going over and over in my head what to say and how to say it. In the end, I realised there was never going to be a “right” way or a right time, but I knew I couldn’t carry it alone or keep something so serious from them. As much as I wanted to protect everyone from the pain, keeping it secret would only have added more strain and isolation.

It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had. They were completely shocked, as I had been. They were horrified by what he had done, and they didn’t try to minimise it. But alongside that, their hearts broke for him too, for his brokenness, for the damage he had caused, and for the consequences he now had to face. It’s such a complicated place to sit in as a family: holding someone accountable while still loving them.

Looking back, telling them was the right decision for us. The love and support we received from our family is what carried us through what I can only describe as the worst years of my life. We were able to talk openly, to cry and to grieve together, not just for what had happened, but for the future we thought we had. Having that shared understanding stopped me from feeling completely alone.

If you’re trying to decide whether or how to tell your family, I’d say you don’t have to have all the answers, and you don’t have to present it perfectly. It’s okay to say you’re still in shock. It’s okay to say you’re struggling. The people who love you may react strongly at first, but they may also become the very support that helps you survive it.

Be kind to yourself. None of this is easy, and just getting through each day takes enormous strength.