I need advice
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Hi,
Right not been here for a while, not going to lie after a while it started to get me down rather than help. Now I dont know who to ask for help from.
Life since the end of 2022 has been s**t to say the least. Husband arrested for indecent images, around 6 suicide attempts, cancer scare, arrests, finding out id been sent to 7 people i now know (videos/photos) withouth permission. Then finding an email for a porn website (watchmywife) as the log in, 1 month before we got married this email was sent.
I then tried to move on to be controlled and manipulated by a narcissist that kept throwing me away for me to run back like a lost puppy. I now know this was a trauma bond. This ended once I lost it hit him and he headbutted me. I know I shouldn't of hit him. But this man laid hands on me whivh my Husband never did.
In this time myself and children were threatened with a machete and spat at in our town. Once again police did nothing but come out with pretty guns.
Anyway thats a whats been going on.
What I really need help with. Is being ok with my kids seeing their dad. SS have said he is no risk to them multiple times (my PTSD therapist called them, also said she needs popcorn to listen to me)
They do stay at his (lives with mum and sister) they only go as a pair and sleep downstairs. Im so torn because despite everything he is a good dad and loves them just as they do him. But I cant help but feel guilt and shame for letting them go. I have a lot of weight in my shoulders about the whole thing. I didnt want to break my kids ever thats why I never kept him away for them but I feel like such an awful person.
Its crazy how much I put myself through for something I didnt do. Even nearly 4 years later im still heartbroken and cant understand.
Sorry for the rant I really needed to just get it out.xx
Right not been here for a while, not going to lie after a while it started to get me down rather than help. Now I dont know who to ask for help from.
Life since the end of 2022 has been s**t to say the least. Husband arrested for indecent images, around 6 suicide attempts, cancer scare, arrests, finding out id been sent to 7 people i now know (videos/photos) withouth permission. Then finding an email for a porn website (watchmywife) as the log in, 1 month before we got married this email was sent.
I then tried to move on to be controlled and manipulated by a narcissist that kept throwing me away for me to run back like a lost puppy. I now know this was a trauma bond. This ended once I lost it hit him and he headbutted me. I know I shouldn't of hit him. But this man laid hands on me whivh my Husband never did.
In this time myself and children were threatened with a machete and spat at in our town. Once again police did nothing but come out with pretty guns.
Anyway thats a whats been going on.
What I really need help with. Is being ok with my kids seeing their dad. SS have said he is no risk to them multiple times (my PTSD therapist called them, also said she needs popcorn to listen to me)
They do stay at his (lives with mum and sister) they only go as a pair and sleep downstairs. Im so torn because despite everything he is a good dad and loves them just as they do him. But I cant help but feel guilt and shame for letting them go. I have a lot of weight in my shoulders about the whole thing. I didnt want to break my kids ever thats why I never kept him away for them but I feel like such an awful person.
Its crazy how much I put myself through for something I didnt do. Even nearly 4 years later im still heartbroken and cant understand.
Sorry for the rant I really needed to just get it out.xx
This I can understand as one of my best friends was in an abusive relationship
he was sadly killed by his abuser some years ago she was sent to prison for 12 years
we his friends collectively set up a charity to help male victims of abuse
over the years I've worked with many charities which help women there is 100s out there that can help
firstly well done you for speaking to us
There is a really good app called
HUB OF HOPE which will signpost to people in your area that can help amd advise you
x
he was sadly killed by his abuser some years ago she was sent to prison for 12 years
we his friends collectively set up a charity to help male victims of abuse
over the years I've worked with many charities which help women there is 100s out there that can help
firstly well done you for speaking to us
There is a really good app called
HUB OF HOPE which will signpost to people in your area that can help amd advise you
x
I have been away from this man since August last year, it was more of a catch up on life has got no easier.
What im really struggling with is the fact I let my kids see their dad. Am I doing the right thing? Will they hate me if they ever find out? I also hate the thought of anyone finding out and having to explain myself.
Unfortunately ive had no real mental health help for everything despite begging. I also do not trust talking and people not getting SS involved like my therapist did even though there was no problem, because it had already been dealt with.
What im really struggling with is the fact I let my kids see their dad. Am I doing the right thing? Will they hate me if they ever find out? I also hate the thought of anyone finding out and having to explain myself.
Unfortunately ive had no real mental health help for everything despite begging. I also do not trust talking and people not getting SS involved like my therapist did even though there was no problem, because it had already been dealt with.
As the old saying goes
your caught between a rock and a hard place there's no right answer
but your strong you just have to trust your own judgment
your caught between a rock and a hard place there's no right answer
but your strong you just have to trust your own judgment
Research suggests that in the vast majority of situations it is better for children to continue a relationship with the 'absent parent'. If he's been assessed as low risk, and the children want to go and are happy to go, then in my opinion you are doing the right thing. Hope you get the support you want and need x
Hey N,
I m in a similar situation and I wanted to share my thoughts with you, hoping it helps. I divorced my first husband few years ago, he is an alcoholic and was abusive to me, not physical though. I thought a lot about fighting for sole custody or if I should restrict visits. I didn t eventually, my son lives with me but sees his dad 2 weekends a month and half of the school holidays. These are my reasons:
-I think it is important for a child to know their parents and have a certain relationship with them. -I am sure my son is not at risk of physical abuse
-His grandparents live in the same house and safeguard my not very functional Ex
-I tought my son on emotional abuse like if someone says something rude to him that says something about that person, not him. Also I tought him to set boundaries like if my Ex is talking bad about me, he says this is your adults business and I don t want to hear about it.
- I heard many stories of adult children that were cut contact and turn their back on their mothers in anger later because they feel they got ripped off their identity somehow.
- I am very aware that my chances of winning a legal battle are low - so it s a bit like keep your friends close and your enemies closer... sad but that s the facts of my legal system here
Having a second child with a person that now turns to be a sexual offender brings me in a similar situation. In this case I will teach my daughter in an age apropriate way to set her boundaries and I will tell her about the offence once she s old enough. And I decided I will not allow unsupervised contact at any point and if he should ever push for it (which I doubt) I will go through the legal stages no matter what.
I m sending you my best wishes, I know it s an awfully hard decision.
I m in a similar situation and I wanted to share my thoughts with you, hoping it helps. I divorced my first husband few years ago, he is an alcoholic and was abusive to me, not physical though. I thought a lot about fighting for sole custody or if I should restrict visits. I didn t eventually, my son lives with me but sees his dad 2 weekends a month and half of the school holidays. These are my reasons:
-I think it is important for a child to know their parents and have a certain relationship with them. -I am sure my son is not at risk of physical abuse
-His grandparents live in the same house and safeguard my not very functional Ex
-I tought my son on emotional abuse like if someone says something rude to him that says something about that person, not him. Also I tought him to set boundaries like if my Ex is talking bad about me, he says this is your adults business and I don t want to hear about it.
- I heard many stories of adult children that were cut contact and turn their back on their mothers in anger later because they feel they got ripped off their identity somehow.
- I am very aware that my chances of winning a legal battle are low - so it s a bit like keep your friends close and your enemies closer... sad but that s the facts of my legal system here
Having a second child with a person that now turns to be a sexual offender brings me in a similar situation. In this case I will teach my daughter in an age apropriate way to set her boundaries and I will tell her about the offence once she s old enough. And I decided I will not allow unsupervised contact at any point and if he should ever push for it (which I doubt) I will go through the legal stages no matter what.
I m sending you my best wishes, I know it s an awfully hard decision.
