Setting boundaries
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My husband's brother is the offender and is currently in a treatment center. He is allowed occasional phone calls with my husband and he initially took them away from our 2 children (8 and 3) but has recently been asking them to engage with their uncle. My husband believes what his brother tells him, that it was an addiction gone wrong and he is not a threat to the kids. I struggle to believe this and would rather our kids have limited contact, if any, with him. How can I talk to the kids about being careful around him (I am certainly thinking long term when he is released) without slandering him in respect for my husband? Friends say I need to cut off all contact, but I truly believe that would lead to divorce and then I would lose all control of the situation when not with my kids (is this a terrible way to think of this??). Thanks in advance....
Dear Lost In-law,
It’s clear how much you’re trying to balance everyone’s needs while keeping your children safe. That alone shows how thoughtful and caring you are as a parent.
It makes sense that you’re feeling torn. Wanting to maintain stability in your marriage and wanting to protect your children are both understandable, human responses. It isn’t a “terrible way” to think — it’s the very real position many family members find themselves in when an offence occurs within the wider family.
Your hesitation around contact is completely valid. Even when someone is in treatment and making progress, it’s natural for you to want caution and clarity, especially when it comes to your children’s wellbeing. You don’t have to ignore your instincts.
Talking to children about boundaries without speaking negatively about their uncle is possible, and you’re already thinking about it in a very careful way. You can focus on general safety skills — things like trusting their feelings, saying no, talking to you if something feels uncomfortable — without making it about him specifically. That way, you’re protecting them while also respecting the family dynamics.
You also don’t have to make any big decisions on your own. It can really help to get tailored guidance from professionals who understand both child safeguarding and the emotional impact on families — support services like our Stop It Now helpline (0808 1000 900) or similar services can offer confidential advice just for situations like this.
You’re not alone with this. Many others here have faced similar tensions between safety, loyalty, fear of judgement, and wanting to do the right thing for their children. Please look after yourself, and access the forum’s support when needed — there’s a lot of support and understanding on this forum, and you deserve to feel heard.
We hope that you will receive some supportive and helpful replies from other forum users as well.
It’s clear how much you’re trying to balance everyone’s needs while keeping your children safe. That alone shows how thoughtful and caring you are as a parent.
It makes sense that you’re feeling torn. Wanting to maintain stability in your marriage and wanting to protect your children are both understandable, human responses. It isn’t a “terrible way” to think — it’s the very real position many family members find themselves in when an offence occurs within the wider family.
Your hesitation around contact is completely valid. Even when someone is in treatment and making progress, it’s natural for you to want caution and clarity, especially when it comes to your children’s wellbeing. You don’t have to ignore your instincts.
Talking to children about boundaries without speaking negatively about their uncle is possible, and you’re already thinking about it in a very careful way. You can focus on general safety skills — things like trusting their feelings, saying no, talking to you if something feels uncomfortable — without making it about him specifically. That way, you’re protecting them while also respecting the family dynamics.
You also don’t have to make any big decisions on your own. It can really help to get tailored guidance from professionals who understand both child safeguarding and the emotional impact on families — support services like our Stop It Now helpline (0808 1000 900) or similar services can offer confidential advice just for situations like this.
You’re not alone with this. Many others here have faced similar tensions between safety, loyalty, fear of judgement, and wanting to do the right thing for their children. Please look after yourself, and access the forum’s support when needed — there’s a lot of support and understanding on this forum, and you deserve to feel heard.
We hope that you will receive some supportive and helpful replies from other forum users as well.
You could always do what we have done. My husbands the one who has offended. We made it very clear to everyone we have told who has kids we respect what they would want in respect to their kids seeing my husband. We have some people who are happy for him to see their kids but only if theyre there. We have others who have said theyre happy as long as there is more then one person to supervise if theyre not there. Its worked really well. The kids dont have a clue whats going on because thats something their parents have requested and we respect that. He has never previously been alone with them anyways so to them its just normal. He doesnt go to events with other people's children there who dont know about his crime even though there are no restrictions on that because he doesnt feel it is right to do that despite us being invited (some people have requested he doesnt go and we just say he is at work when asked - again requested because this type of offence is so taboo).
That may work. Safeguarding is important so its always good to communicate wishes and good clear boundaries to help protect the children
That may work. Safeguarding is important so its always good to communicate wishes and good clear boundaries to help protect the children
I have to admit to being rather curious. What is this treatment centre and what is he being treated for? Is it porn addiction?
Offenders usually have restrictions imposed on them by social services, or the courts, which are then enforced by police or probation. These restrictions should be based on a proper risk assessment. The decision on whether to allow contact or not, is then effectively being made by the professionals, not by the partner.
But in addition to that, the offender should also be given advice on how to reduce their own risk, for example by not going to places where children gather, in order to avoid false accusations, or having conversations with minors.
Given that the offender in this case, is not the partner, but the brother, it may be that social services are not currently aware he is potentially speaking to his brothers children.
But if they become aware, then it might trigger an investigation into the brothers family and then you would be drawn into things more deeply.
I would advise not allowing any contact, just to keep the SS off your own back. The problem is that SW are so suspicious that they will assume there is a risk to your children, even when there is no risk and then they might question your own ability to protect your own kids. Sadly, we have seen lots of examples of this on the forum.
Offenders usually have restrictions imposed on them by social services, or the courts, which are then enforced by police or probation. These restrictions should be based on a proper risk assessment. The decision on whether to allow contact or not, is then effectively being made by the professionals, not by the partner.
But in addition to that, the offender should also be given advice on how to reduce their own risk, for example by not going to places where children gather, in order to avoid false accusations, or having conversations with minors.
Given that the offender in this case, is not the partner, but the brother, it may be that social services are not currently aware he is potentially speaking to his brothers children.
But if they become aware, then it might trigger an investigation into the brothers family and then you would be drawn into things more deeply.
I would advise not allowing any contact, just to keep the SS off your own back. The problem is that SW are so suspicious that they will assume there is a risk to your children, even when there is no risk and then they might question your own ability to protect your own kids. Sadly, we have seen lots of examples of this on the forum.
