Telling the children
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Hi, just wondered if anybody could share any advice regarding talking to the children ? I plan to ask SS for advice, but any advice for talking to children of a similar age (13 & 10) from peoples lived experiences would be helpful to hear.
We are now post conviction (suspended sentence for ‘making’ IIOC), and we are wanting to move forward as a family, and so have just self-referred back to social to get the ball rolling with regards this, so risk assessments can be done etc (file previously closed with a safety plan in place, ensuring no unsupervised contact and no overnights - although the children themselves aren’t aware that this has been happening)
The children went 2+ months last summer not seeing their step dad whilst SS did their assessment, but I had told the children he was working away. The assessment resulted in contact to always be supervised and no overnights (to be revisited post sentencing; hence the self-referral back to SS now). Prior to them seeing their step-dad again after the 2 months absence, I did tell the children some info (this was about 6 months ago), in summary that their step-dad had suffered with his MH for sometime due to a traumatic event from years previous that he’d never spoken about or sought help for, and it lead to addictions (I did mention porn to my eldest) and him making some mistakes/bad decisions, including inappropriate behaviour online, but that he was now getting the help he needed. Their step-dad did also acknowledge what I’d said to them with them also when he returned, and just reassured them that he was in a much better place now and getting the help he needed. I didn’t want to go into too much detail at that point, as it was more about me wanting to open up a line of comms with them to establish if they had any concerns etc that they wanted to raise prior to them being around their step-dad again (albeit supervised). As expected they didn’t have any issues/concerns, they took it in their stride, and have continued to maintain a good relationship with their step-dad.
But now we are post sentencing, and I’ve self-referred back to social as we are wanting to move forward as a family and ultimately get him back home full-time in the future, I know I will need to talk to the children again to give more info prior to a SW speaking to them.
I have a great relationship with my children, I know them better than anyone, and I am their emotional safe person/space, and I feel confident that they are safe and happy (this is also echoed by their Dad who I co-parent with, and school/s also have no concerns). I personally don’t feel they need ‘detail’ of their step-dads offending behaviour online, but I clearly need to build on what I told them 6 months previous and let them know that there has been police & social care involvement, that unbeknown to them I’ve been supervising all contact and that he’s been leaving in an evening to sleep elsewhere, and that social care are going to be heavily involved for a period to check they’re happy & safe. I understand to a point why social prefer the children to know as much info as possible, as they see keeping it from them as creating risk, however I’m very mindful of exposing my children to information that could traumatise them and impact them negatively as they grow up, it feels like a burden they shouldn’t need to carry. They are currently happy in life, I don’t want to create a climate of fear at home that doesn’t need to be there. Particularly conscious of my youngest as they are coming up to doing SATs and transitioning to secondary school, not to mention hormonal changes.. I know there are suggested scripts online, which I’ve read, but just curious as to peoples lived experiences of talking to children of a similar age.
Just to add I do take safeguarding seriously, as much as I do not believe their step-dad poses a risk (and yes I know not to say this to social!), I appreciate that he has been convicted of a serious/sexual offence for which he now finds himself on the SOR for, so objectively perceived risks need to be addressed/managed. The safety plan we already have in place is very robust, we have technical safeguards in place also, I have also done the 5wk course with LFF for families of offenders, I have paid for and done 2 online safeguarding courses with NSPCC, and I am in communication with both DSL’s at my children’s schools. The last piece of the puzzle is telling the kids more info, and I want to make sure I get it right.
TIA
We are now post conviction (suspended sentence for ‘making’ IIOC), and we are wanting to move forward as a family, and so have just self-referred back to social to get the ball rolling with regards this, so risk assessments can be done etc (file previously closed with a safety plan in place, ensuring no unsupervised contact and no overnights - although the children themselves aren’t aware that this has been happening)
The children went 2+ months last summer not seeing their step dad whilst SS did their assessment, but I had told the children he was working away. The assessment resulted in contact to always be supervised and no overnights (to be revisited post sentencing; hence the self-referral back to SS now). Prior to them seeing their step-dad again after the 2 months absence, I did tell the children some info (this was about 6 months ago), in summary that their step-dad had suffered with his MH for sometime due to a traumatic event from years previous that he’d never spoken about or sought help for, and it lead to addictions (I did mention porn to my eldest) and him making some mistakes/bad decisions, including inappropriate behaviour online, but that he was now getting the help he needed. Their step-dad did also acknowledge what I’d said to them with them also when he returned, and just reassured them that he was in a much better place now and getting the help he needed. I didn’t want to go into too much detail at that point, as it was more about me wanting to open up a line of comms with them to establish if they had any concerns etc that they wanted to raise prior to them being around their step-dad again (albeit supervised). As expected they didn’t have any issues/concerns, they took it in their stride, and have continued to maintain a good relationship with their step-dad.
But now we are post sentencing, and I’ve self-referred back to social as we are wanting to move forward as a family and ultimately get him back home full-time in the future, I know I will need to talk to the children again to give more info prior to a SW speaking to them.
I have a great relationship with my children, I know them better than anyone, and I am their emotional safe person/space, and I feel confident that they are safe and happy (this is also echoed by their Dad who I co-parent with, and school/s also have no concerns). I personally don’t feel they need ‘detail’ of their step-dads offending behaviour online, but I clearly need to build on what I told them 6 months previous and let them know that there has been police & social care involvement, that unbeknown to them I’ve been supervising all contact and that he’s been leaving in an evening to sleep elsewhere, and that social care are going to be heavily involved for a period to check they’re happy & safe. I understand to a point why social prefer the children to know as much info as possible, as they see keeping it from them as creating risk, however I’m very mindful of exposing my children to information that could traumatise them and impact them negatively as they grow up, it feels like a burden they shouldn’t need to carry. They are currently happy in life, I don’t want to create a climate of fear at home that doesn’t need to be there. Particularly conscious of my youngest as they are coming up to doing SATs and transitioning to secondary school, not to mention hormonal changes.. I know there are suggested scripts online, which I’ve read, but just curious as to peoples lived experiences of talking to children of a similar age.
Just to add I do take safeguarding seriously, as much as I do not believe their step-dad poses a risk (and yes I know not to say this to social!), I appreciate that he has been convicted of a serious/sexual offence for which he now finds himself on the SOR for, so objectively perceived risks need to be addressed/managed. The safety plan we already have in place is very robust, we have technical safeguards in place also, I have also done the 5wk course with LFF for families of offenders, I have paid for and done 2 online safeguarding courses with NSPCC, and I am in communication with both DSL’s at my children’s schools. The last piece of the puzzle is telling the kids more info, and I want to make sure I get it right.
TIA
Mine are 11 and 14 (they were 8 and 11 at the time of the arrest - their father has only just been charged!). My situation is different in that my marriage is over, so their father only sees them under my supervision according to an SS safety plan. They were close to their father before all this and I would say are still close. Some of what I say is based on my own childhood experiences, where certain things were kept from me.
First off, I'd apologise for the whole 'he was just working away' thing and promise to never do that again. If they haven't put two and two together already, then they absolutely will when they're older. Being lied to as a child (even well-intentioned lies) did me huge damage - I still struggle to trust as an adult and my relationship with certain family members isn't what it could've been. Sorry if that sounds harsh! I'm a bit sensitive on this point from personal experience.
Its really hard to be fully honest with them, but you'd probably be shocked at what they're already aware of from school. Mine have heard about the whole Epstein thing for example. I know its a horrible conversation to have though.
I also think he should be the primary one addressing this with them (supervised obviously). Its his mess and therefore his conversation to have.
I guess I'd also approach having him back at home as a decision you all collectively make. Personally I'd say that its their choice too, just as much as yours. I've made it clear to mine that its entirely up to them whether they want to see their stepdad or not, to the point of asking them each time. It sounds like they currently want him back at home, but it is important that they know they have choices in their future relationship with him, as their feelings may change over time and may end up being very different to yours or to each other's. I know this is very tricky! My kids are actually much more 'sympathetic' to their dad than I am currently and I accept that, but I'm also very aware things may change as they get older and understand more, and particularly once partners come on the scene. I'm guessing having him home will put some limitations on your kids' ability to have friends round etc and they should definitely know and be on board with that. Again I was put in a situation where I was pressured by my mother into really playing 'happy families' in very difficult situations so I may be hypersensitive on this point.
I guess I'd also brace for having to tell future serious partners too, even though its probably a decade or more down the road.
Re hurt, I think the uncomfortable truth is that the hurt isn't avoidable. They will have been / are going to experience hurt because of this. All you can do is do your best to mitigate it. I know I often feel like a human shield for my children, but I've had to acknowledge that I can't protect them fully from their father's choices.
First off, I'd apologise for the whole 'he was just working away' thing and promise to never do that again. If they haven't put two and two together already, then they absolutely will when they're older. Being lied to as a child (even well-intentioned lies) did me huge damage - I still struggle to trust as an adult and my relationship with certain family members isn't what it could've been. Sorry if that sounds harsh! I'm a bit sensitive on this point from personal experience.
Its really hard to be fully honest with them, but you'd probably be shocked at what they're already aware of from school. Mine have heard about the whole Epstein thing for example. I know its a horrible conversation to have though.
I also think he should be the primary one addressing this with them (supervised obviously). Its his mess and therefore his conversation to have.
I guess I'd also approach having him back at home as a decision you all collectively make. Personally I'd say that its their choice too, just as much as yours. I've made it clear to mine that its entirely up to them whether they want to see their stepdad or not, to the point of asking them each time. It sounds like they currently want him back at home, but it is important that they know they have choices in their future relationship with him, as their feelings may change over time and may end up being very different to yours or to each other's. I know this is very tricky! My kids are actually much more 'sympathetic' to their dad than I am currently and I accept that, but I'm also very aware things may change as they get older and understand more, and particularly once partners come on the scene. I'm guessing having him home will put some limitations on your kids' ability to have friends round etc and they should definitely know and be on board with that. Again I was put in a situation where I was pressured by my mother into really playing 'happy families' in very difficult situations so I may be hypersensitive on this point.
I guess I'd also brace for having to tell future serious partners too, even though its probably a decade or more down the road.
Re hurt, I think the uncomfortable truth is that the hurt isn't avoidable. They will have been / are going to experience hurt because of this. All you can do is do your best to mitigate it. I know I often feel like a human shield for my children, but I've had to acknowledge that I can't protect them fully from their father's choices.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, and I appreciate your brutal honesty. There's no text book on how to navigate this is there, so we're all just doing our best based on our own circumstances and our own children. Really really difficult situation to be in.
I absolutely will be apologising to them for not being honest with them, it was well intentioned, but that doesn't mean it has sat well with me. And I also take your point about ensuring they know and feel like they have a choice in how we move forward. Their safety & happiness is my no.1 priority, every decision I've made to date has been with that at the forefront of my mind.
I absolutely will be apologising to them for not being honest with them, it was well intentioned, but that doesn't mean it has sat well with me. And I also take your point about ensuring they know and feel like they have a choice in how we move forward. Their safety & happiness is my no.1 priority, every decision I've made to date has been with that at the forefront of my mind.
Hey Phoenix,
I had a local charity help me prepare the talk and the 2 key takeaways were also:
-apologizing for the lies (i had a story to cover 4 months absence...) and explaining why you needed time before you could tell the truth. e.g you had to wait for sentencing to know some things for sure.
-open a door to communication: this the specialist said is important so kids can process in their own time. So basically saying: you can ask me anything and i promise i wont lie, if i think it s not appropriate I ll tell you that. Also it is good to give other possible people to talk too. Like saying, grandma knows about it too and you can also talk to her if you want. That is for the case a kid would not tell you something over worry to make you sad. The charity here is specialist in sexual abuse and they were clear I should mention in an age appropriate way. This will also help the child to talk about possible abuse (be it abuse by the person or anyone else).
My son is 9 and I basically said that my person did things that are not ok and not allowed to someone he thought was a child. That he talked in a sexual way that is only allowed for adults in between each other. He asked me what kind of talks that would be and I said it would be for example someone writing you they want to touch your penis or ask you to send a foto of you naked.
I know it s not a cheerfull topic but as my son is also starting to play platform games and will get a phone in a year I think he needs to understand a bit about these things anyway.
I had a local charity help me prepare the talk and the 2 key takeaways were also:
-apologizing for the lies (i had a story to cover 4 months absence...) and explaining why you needed time before you could tell the truth. e.g you had to wait for sentencing to know some things for sure.
-open a door to communication: this the specialist said is important so kids can process in their own time. So basically saying: you can ask me anything and i promise i wont lie, if i think it s not appropriate I ll tell you that. Also it is good to give other possible people to talk too. Like saying, grandma knows about it too and you can also talk to her if you want. That is for the case a kid would not tell you something over worry to make you sad. The charity here is specialist in sexual abuse and they were clear I should mention in an age appropriate way. This will also help the child to talk about possible abuse (be it abuse by the person or anyone else).
My son is 9 and I basically said that my person did things that are not ok and not allowed to someone he thought was a child. That he talked in a sexual way that is only allowed for adults in between each other. He asked me what kind of talks that would be and I said it would be for example someone writing you they want to touch your penis or ask you to send a foto of you naked.
I know it s not a cheerfull topic but as my son is also starting to play platform games and will get a phone in a year I think he needs to understand a bit about these things anyway.
I also gave mine some names of people they could talk to - the families on both sides know & there are some family friends as well. My eldest has their phone numbers too (with their permission). And they both know who they can talk to at their respective schools.
Thanks @Knightmare, some great advice x
I know I'm at the start of this awful journey but I do agree with everyone else. Please be as age appropriate as you can. I told my two initially that dad had gone to see family just for the first couple of days post knock and once I had sat down and explained what had actually happened they pulled me up about it. They are 11 and 15. Refer to SS for the best way to explain and keep communication open with safe people they can talk with as it's a hard 'secret' for them to deal with as they may want to talk to friends and chidren/teenagers by nature gossip and don't think about repercussions about passing on incorrect or half truths. Also again always take on board their views and what they think should happen in the family home. I hope it goes well
