Feeling lost
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We got the knock on the door in April this year, I had absolutely no idea and feel very stupid and naive, I was actually asked by a 'friend' his long iI' known!! We have sold our house I'm about to move into a new one, I've lost my future and security and as great as my family and friends are, they don't know truly how it feels.
It's a taboo subject that I would never have dreamt of have been in the middle of a few months ago.
My husband has been charged with 5 counts and pleaded not guilty even though the evidence is over-whelming against him. Apparently it's my fault why he did it because of our 'loveless' marriage and because of my family, friends and job!! He did say at one point that if I had nothing more to do with my family and friends, have up my job and moved away with him he might take me back! It was at this point I realised quite how manipulative he is.
Please tell me it gets better at some point!! X
It's a taboo subject that I would never have dreamt of have been in the middle of a few months ago.
My husband has been charged with 5 counts and pleaded not guilty even though the evidence is over-whelming against him. Apparently it's my fault why he did it because of our 'loveless' marriage and because of my family, friends and job!! He did say at one point that if I had nothing more to do with my family and friends, have up my job and moved away with him he might take me back! It was at this point I realised quite how manipulative he is.
Please tell me it gets better at some point!! X
I had the knock in march and i was lucky as he pleaded guilty to everything. But i think denial is a massive thing. He blames a mental breakdown and states that he doesnt remember anything from the 3 month period that he was doing it.
I too feel there is a manipulation aspect to it as well. Which i was very much aware of and i could see that he was telling me things he thought i wanted and needed to hear to try and keep our family together. And it didnt matter how many times i said it was over hed say things to make me feel that i was in the wrong. I think he finally accepted that there is no chance of us getting back together when he was placed on the register and told by the police that if i were to take him back i would lose my job (i work for the nhs) and our daughter would be taken into care.
I think this forum is really good because as you said friends and family dont understand. Atm.im trying to decide what to do with contact for our daughter when he comes out. My friends and family think im insane for even considering it and his family cant understand why i even need to consider it. And that has reintroduced the feeling of isolation that i had throughout the police investigation. Im so thankful for this forum as a way to connect with other women and men who understand the feeling.
I just think that this first year has got to be the hardest and im hoping that after all the firsts have happened and my divorce is finallised there can be some sort of normality. It cant stay as difficult as this forever (I hope)
I too feel there is a manipulation aspect to it as well. Which i was very much aware of and i could see that he was telling me things he thought i wanted and needed to hear to try and keep our family together. And it didnt matter how many times i said it was over hed say things to make me feel that i was in the wrong. I think he finally accepted that there is no chance of us getting back together when he was placed on the register and told by the police that if i were to take him back i would lose my job (i work for the nhs) and our daughter would be taken into care.
I think this forum is really good because as you said friends and family dont understand. Atm.im trying to decide what to do with contact for our daughter when he comes out. My friends and family think im insane for even considering it and his family cant understand why i even need to consider it. And that has reintroduced the feeling of isolation that i had throughout the police investigation. Im so thankful for this forum as a way to connect with other women and men who understand the feeling.
I just think that this first year has got to be the hardest and im hoping that after all the firsts have happened and my divorce is finallised there can be some sort of normality. It cant stay as difficult as this forever (I hope)
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I also feel there was a lot of manipulation involved. And certainly lies.And possibly control, although I didn’t realise it at the time. Ive always felt I was such a strong person. Since I’ve been back on my own, although there is a sense of loneliness, I am feeling more free. It’s as though a new, stronger me is emerging out of the ashes of our relationship. Sorry if that sounds a bit cliched but it’s true.
For me it’s about trying to learn acceptance. Not locking the trauma of what’s happened away in a box. But dealing with it, processing it, moment by moment, day by day. It will always be there, this huge rupture in my life, but I’m damned if it’s going to define me, or stop me finding joy in other areas of my life.
And yes, like the post thread title, there are days when I feel lost. And curl up under the duvet to escape the world. But today isn’t one of them . I’ve got family coming over for a roast dinner...a new day...new memories.
Lots of love Paula xx
For me it’s about trying to learn acceptance. Not locking the trauma of what’s happened away in a box. But dealing with it, processing it, moment by moment, day by day. It will always be there, this huge rupture in my life, but I’m damned if it’s going to define me, or stop me finding joy in other areas of my life.
And yes, like the post thread title, there are days when I feel lost. And curl up under the duvet to escape the world. But today isn’t one of them . I’ve got family coming over for a roast dinner...a new day...new memories.
Lots of love Paula xx
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Thank you all so much, it's fabulous to have people who understand ???? we are all very strong women - good luck and much love to you all xx