Should I give up?
Notifications OFF
My OH got The Knock in Feb 2025 and turned our lives upside down. I haven't been truly happy since it happened.
Ive stuck by him but all I feel now is resentment and anger at the constant stress about supervision, family anger, lying to loved ones, coping with everything alone while he lives with his mum getting his washing done and three meals a day for free (I know I sound petty!). I'm not sure love is enough to stick it out for the rest of my life.
I'm 45 and worried I'll never find anyone else if I leave. Who's going to want me with two kids in tow? They're 8 and 11y/o and love my OH but don't know what has happened- we've told them very little about it. I doubt I'd ever feel safe introducing anyone new to the kids anyway, not after the last 13 months.
I don't know what I want from this post... just a vent I guess!
Ive stuck by him but all I feel now is resentment and anger at the constant stress about supervision, family anger, lying to loved ones, coping with everything alone while he lives with his mum getting his washing done and three meals a day for free (I know I sound petty!). I'm not sure love is enough to stick it out for the rest of my life.
I'm 45 and worried I'll never find anyone else if I leave. Who's going to want me with two kids in tow? They're 8 and 11y/o and love my OH but don't know what has happened- we've told them very little about it. I doubt I'd ever feel safe introducing anyone new to the kids anyway, not after the last 13 months.
I don't know what I want from this post... just a vent I guess!
I feel the same as you but I'm 32 years old and it's harder as you are older as the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with just isn't like that anymore.
Everything has been ripped from you.
How's your experience with SS if you don't mind me asking? My little girl is 6 and this is her step dad who has been in her life for over 4 years.
Everything has been ripped from you.
How's your experience with SS if you don't mind me asking? My little girl is 6 and this is her step dad who has been in her life for over 4 years.
It doesn't sound petty, it sound like a normal reaction. You have been left juggling your own emotions and your child's and trying to make everything as normal as possible for them. It's exhausting and when you see he has all the time in the world and being looked after its so hard.
Our experience with SS has been mixed- super supportive at first and the assessment was done and our case quickly closed. But then an external agency who had never met me, my children or our family expressed 'concerns' and we had to be investigated again. So heartbreaking and unnecessary. Makes me think it could happen over and over again forever.
That's very sad - how long did it take for your assessment to take place? And was it the one that happens over a 5 week period?
I'm your age. My kids were exactly the same age as yours when the knock happened. I left and have no regrets about it. There were so many reasons, but I knew the trust would never come back, the anger would never go. Also one thing I've never seen discussed on here is the sexual aspect of continuing the relationship....I knew I'd never ever in a million years want to have sex with him again and that didn't seem like a healthy basis for an ongoing marriage!
I don't envisage meeting someone new because I think my ability to trust is too damaged, but I've seen plenty of women with children in their 40s / meet someone new after divorce IRL. There's no reason it couldn't happen for you too if you wanted it. IIRC some women on here have mentioned being in new relationships in passing.
I don't envisage meeting someone new because I think my ability to trust is too damaged, but I've seen plenty of women with children in their 40s / meet someone new after divorce IRL. There's no reason it couldn't happen for you too if you wanted it. IIRC some women on here have mentioned being in new relationships in passing.
I was older and my kids much older than yours - thankfully. I ended my 32 year marriage as all trust was gone, I would always be suspicious, I felt like I would never hear the truth and that the offending would never ever truly go away.
I was right - as he is now back in prison for breaking the terms of the SOR.
I didn't think I would evereet anyone again. Wasn't sure I wanted to. Filled my life with other stuff.
But here I am 4 years down the line. Broke but happy in my new flat and with a lovely bloke who was a friend at first and that slowly developed
None of us know what is around the corner but we do all deserve to be happy and not just exist in so e sort of half life
I was right - as he is now back in prison for breaking the terms of the SOR.
I didn't think I would evereet anyone again. Wasn't sure I wanted to. Filled my life with other stuff.
But here I am 4 years down the line. Broke but happy in my new flat and with a lovely bloke who was a friend at first and that slowly developed
None of us know what is around the corner but we do all deserve to be happy and not just exist in so e sort of half life
Have you had counselling? I know StopSO does do therapy for family members of sex offenders. You will need to pay but where they specialise in sexual offences they wont have a bias and help you which will in turn help you make a decision.
Hi!
that's definitely a normal recation and not petty at all. I feel the exact same, a lot of anger we are in this position and a lot of resentment because I'm here doing absolutely everything to make sure our four kids (who are all very young and very dependent on me!) and happy and healthy whilst he's at his mums, getting dinners cooked, probs washing done, evenings to sit down and a full nights sleep whilst I'm just run ragged and so so tired I can't even function. We've been in this position for a 12m now and honestly I don't know if I can ever forgive and forget.
I am so sorry you're here and in this position!
that's definitely a normal recation and not petty at all. I feel the exact same, a lot of anger we are in this position and a lot of resentment because I'm here doing absolutely everything to make sure our four kids (who are all very young and very dependent on me!) and happy and healthy whilst he's at his mums, getting dinners cooked, probs washing done, evenings to sit down and a full nights sleep whilst I'm just run ragged and so so tired I can't even function. We've been in this position for a 12m now and honestly I don't know if I can ever forgive and forget.
I am so sorry you're here and in this position!
It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when you’re trying to navigate such a difficult situation. It’s a lot to process, and it’s okay to take a step back and breathe when things feel like they’re moving too fast.
Have you had a chance to look at some of the guided resources or support modules here? Sometimes just reading through how others have managed the initial shock can help clarify your own next steps. Remember to be kind to yourself while you're trying to figure everything out - you don't have to have all the answers right away.
Have you had a chance to look at some of the guided resources or support modules here? Sometimes just reading through how others have managed the initial shock can help clarify your own next steps. Remember to be kind to yourself while you're trying to figure everything out - you don't have to have all the answers right away.
