It's constantly on my mind -Vent
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It's been about 3 months since the 'knock' and my OH's PC and phone were taken away for investigation. Still no word from the police or court.
This limbo is hell. I've gone through so many emotions and it's so exhausting. I wish I could turn back time to before that day. Because it's haunting me everyday. The man I once knew doesn't exist. Our plans to get married and have children don't exist anymore. My OH is truly remorseful and is trying his best to keep our current situation 'normal'. I'm trying too. But it's killing me silently. I still love him, but I have no support. He begged me to not tell anyone because he's so ashamed of it. And I said I'll try. But I don't think I can hold it in any longer. I want to tell my parents. I need their support desperately because I'm spending everyday crying alone whenever my OH isn't around.
What makes it worse is when I brought up a few weeks ago that I want to tell my parents soon because I'm struggling, he went on a spiral saying 'be prepared to split up then'. Then started making the conversation about him. And how much he's struggling. And that he thought I was 'fine' this whole time because I've been acting normal around him. He got angry that I didn't tell him how I'm feeling but if he knew how much I was crying everyday I know it would just make him more upset. That's why I tried my best to hold it in around him.
What upsets me the most is that the conversation lead to his offense. The past year he had viewed illegal material frequently on the weekends. I always went to bed first and he stayed up late. He told me that he was just going to be gaming with friends. I believed him so I always went to bed early happily each time. I thought I was doing the right thing by trusting him. But then he asked me 'You didn't even get suspicious? Not even once? I wish you had got suspicious and caught me.' This was so unfair of him to say. How is it my fault for not getting suspicious? I thought I was being a good partner. He even mentioned that our lack of intimacy may have contributed to it as well. For a whole year I was recovering from surgery so obviously I couldn't be active in that regard. I thought he understood.
This whole situation is so unfair. Now my OH is making me think it's my fault. Even though he repeatedly said it's not my fault. But then he would say these small things that just stick with me. What did I do wrong? Now I'm getting thoughts that it's my fault everyday. It's torture. I want these thoughts and this whole situation to just stop. It's consuming me everyday and I can't think about anything else. I want this all to stop.
I'm planning to tell my parents this week. This is getting too much for me. I think I need space from my OH. I hope that it will go ok.
This limbo is hell. I've gone through so many emotions and it's so exhausting. I wish I could turn back time to before that day. Because it's haunting me everyday. The man I once knew doesn't exist. Our plans to get married and have children don't exist anymore. My OH is truly remorseful and is trying his best to keep our current situation 'normal'. I'm trying too. But it's killing me silently. I still love him, but I have no support. He begged me to not tell anyone because he's so ashamed of it. And I said I'll try. But I don't think I can hold it in any longer. I want to tell my parents. I need their support desperately because I'm spending everyday crying alone whenever my OH isn't around.
What makes it worse is when I brought up a few weeks ago that I want to tell my parents soon because I'm struggling, he went on a spiral saying 'be prepared to split up then'. Then started making the conversation about him. And how much he's struggling. And that he thought I was 'fine' this whole time because I've been acting normal around him. He got angry that I didn't tell him how I'm feeling but if he knew how much I was crying everyday I know it would just make him more upset. That's why I tried my best to hold it in around him.
What upsets me the most is that the conversation lead to his offense. The past year he had viewed illegal material frequently on the weekends. I always went to bed first and he stayed up late. He told me that he was just going to be gaming with friends. I believed him so I always went to bed early happily each time. I thought I was doing the right thing by trusting him. But then he asked me 'You didn't even get suspicious? Not even once? I wish you had got suspicious and caught me.' This was so unfair of him to say. How is it my fault for not getting suspicious? I thought I was being a good partner. He even mentioned that our lack of intimacy may have contributed to it as well. For a whole year I was recovering from surgery so obviously I couldn't be active in that regard. I thought he understood.
This whole situation is so unfair. Now my OH is making me think it's my fault. Even though he repeatedly said it's not my fault. But then he would say these small things that just stick with me. What did I do wrong? Now I'm getting thoughts that it's my fault everyday. It's torture. I want these thoughts and this whole situation to just stop. It's consuming me everyday and I can't think about anything else. I want this all to stop.
I'm planning to tell my parents this week. This is getting too much for me. I think I need space from my OH. I hope that it will go ok.
I could have written this.
I knew my husband looked at porn. I took went to bed earlier than him. Had no idea what he was actually looking at.
He blamed a lack of intimacy as a reason for the porn. Threatened me about if I ever told his mother. I had to as he was jailed - and it's one of the worst things I've ever had to do.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong and in my experience they are good at turning the tables and blaming someone or something else.
I had to tell someone in the end - felt like my head would explode if I didn't. And eventually I knew the marriage wasn't worth saving and I don't regret that decision several years on.
It's certainly not easy making a decision and don't rush it - it's always easier to come to a decision after speaking to someone. Have you tried counselling?
I knew my husband looked at porn. I took went to bed earlier than him. Had no idea what he was actually looking at.
He blamed a lack of intimacy as a reason for the porn. Threatened me about if I ever told his mother. I had to as he was jailed - and it's one of the worst things I've ever had to do.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong and in my experience they are good at turning the tables and blaming someone or something else.
I had to tell someone in the end - felt like my head would explode if I didn't. And eventually I knew the marriage wasn't worth saving and I don't regret that decision several years on.
It's certainly not easy making a decision and don't rush it - it's always easier to come to a decision after speaking to someone. Have you tried counselling?
First off, it is NOT your fault. Your OH is behaving appalling in even hinting that it is. Ignore him. He needs to take responsibility. Is he doing anything? Talking to the helpline, looking at therapy and courses? Tens of millions of men don't get the amount of sex they'd like in some ideal fantasy world and somehow get by without watching child abuse. Always why on earth WOULD you suspect him???? Who thinks "My OH is staying up late. Hhhhmmmm I bet he's watching child abuse videos!!!"
Don't hide your upset around him. . That isn't fair or sustainable.
He doesn't control who you tell. You absolutely need support for the situation he put you in.
TBH a break sounds like a good idea if he wants to threaten one! I separated initially because we had children, so SS were involved, but actually having some distance saved my sanity and the separation is now permanent. I really benefitted from the space. I could breathe and think clearly and feel whatever I wanted.
If you want children in the future, then its worth thinking through. I guess its also worth thinking about what he's showing you of his character right now.
Don't hide your upset around him. . That isn't fair or sustainable.
He doesn't control who you tell. You absolutely need support for the situation he put you in.
TBH a break sounds like a good idea if he wants to threaten one! I separated initially because we had children, so SS were involved, but actually having some distance saved my sanity and the separation is now permanent. I really benefitted from the space. I could breathe and think clearly and feel whatever I wanted.
If you want children in the future, then its worth thinking through. I guess its also worth thinking about what he's showing you of his character right now.
Sorry you find yourself on this emotional rollercoaster of a situation. I won't lie it's a long road waiting for an outcome meanwhile all the what's ifs go through your mind as you try to get some sleep at 2am. Take one day at a time and try not to thing too far ahead(easier said than done)
Have you spoken to the helpline yet?. If not they would be worth a call just talking it through really helped me process things and didn't feel so alone.
The other thing is does your employer have a wellbeing service where you could access counselling session?. It's run by an outside company but they can give you strategies and someone to talk to. I didn't think it would benefit but having that weekly call to offload got me through some tough week.
Be kind to yourself and do something for you each day even if it's just a walk for fresh air.
Have you spoken to the helpline yet?. If not they would be worth a call just talking it through really helped me process things and didn't feel so alone.
The other thing is does your employer have a wellbeing service where you could access counselling session?. It's run by an outside company but they can give you strategies and someone to talk to. I didn't think it would benefit but having that weekly call to offload got me through some tough week.
Be kind to yourself and do something for you each day even if it's just a walk for fresh air.
Confusedsoul, you matter too. It is good and right that you will be sharing the turmoil with your parents. You have done nothing wrong. He needs to man up and take responsibility, and DEFINITELY stop trying to shift any blame whatsoever onto you. Please keep reaching out.
Sweetheart let me tell you now, not showing him how upset you are is doing nothing to help you. He DESERVES to see how much he's hurt you, he has to step up and take some accountability. He didn't protect your feelings when he committed this offence, you are under no obligation to protect his. I'm not saying go out of your way to make him upset, not at all, but hiding how you really feel will make working through this a lot more difficult. He has to understand the hurt he has caused to be able to start trying to make amends with you. And, it will eventually come spilling out anyway, in a much messier, angrier way- ask me how I know!
I'm almost 5 months into this hell. I know the limbo feeling all too well. I also know just how vital support is and I genuinely don't know how you've gotten this far without it. If he is selfish enough to not want you to have support, just to hide his shame, then he needs to be embarrassed of himself!! My husband initially didn't want me to tell my parents as he was terrified of their reaction, that lasted a week before I begged him that I needed support and he agreed to put my needs before his pride. If your other half truly loves you he should be able to do the same
Please please please don't ever see this as your fault. I know its so hard not to. But even as someone who WAS suspicious that maybe he was addicted to porn, being suspicious didn't help. None of this is your fault and if he DARES have the audacity to try and pass any of the blame to you, put the whole man in the bin, you are worth so much more I promise xx
I'm almost 5 months into this hell. I know the limbo feeling all too well. I also know just how vital support is and I genuinely don't know how you've gotten this far without it. If he is selfish enough to not want you to have support, just to hide his shame, then he needs to be embarrassed of himself!! My husband initially didn't want me to tell my parents as he was terrified of their reaction, that lasted a week before I begged him that I needed support and he agreed to put my needs before his pride. If your other half truly loves you he should be able to do the same
Please please please don't ever see this as your fault. I know its so hard not to. But even as someone who WAS suspicious that maybe he was addicted to porn, being suspicious didn't help. None of this is your fault and if he DARES have the audacity to try and pass any of the blame to you, put the whole man in the bin, you are worth so much more I promise xx
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. You have no idea how much it means to me to read them as it makes me feel less alone in this.
As for counseling I am already seeing a therapist. It's been helping but sometimes I don't feel like it's enough. I think with more sessions I will feel better though.
I've also just told my parents. It feels like such a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still in alot of pain, but at least I have support now. As for my relationship with my OH, I'm not too sure if that will continue. I've been hurt too much and I'm tired of feeling burdened with a sin that I didn't commit. I still want to support him with his court case and all of that. And I want to be there for him. But as for our future as a couple, I'm not too sure about it. Time will tell.
Thank you all again. And I'm sorry that you have all experienced something similar. Much love to all of you.
As for counseling I am already seeing a therapist. It's been helping but sometimes I don't feel like it's enough. I think with more sessions I will feel better though.
I've also just told my parents. It feels like such a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still in alot of pain, but at least I have support now. As for my relationship with my OH, I'm not too sure if that will continue. I've been hurt too much and I'm tired of feeling burdened with a sin that I didn't commit. I still want to support him with his court case and all of that. And I want to be there for him. But as for our future as a couple, I'm not too sure about it. Time will tell.
Thank you all again. And I'm sorry that you have all experienced something similar. Much love to all of you.
Well done, confusedsoul. Positive steps and thoughtful processing :). So pleased you have support from your parents now. It will make an important difference.
It is fine to support him - shows what a nice person you are. I said I would support my person but in the end I'd had enough and told him our 30 year marriage was over 3 weeks before his court date I did feel bad knowing he went to jail knowing he had no one to come out to. I did accept his calls from prison and helped him with the basics on his release but had to start distancing myself and let him get in with his new life
I'm a dad of an offender
mams if you where my daughter I would 100% want to know what she was going through
To me this sounds like coercive behaviour
you aren't to blame non of us are !!
take care
mams if you where my daughter I would 100% want to know what she was going through
To me this sounds like coercive behaviour
you aren't to blame non of us are !!
take care
