Going through this again...
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This is a really hard post to make because I'm still trying to piece the puzzle together when they're not fitting.
We went through our first knock around 2022-2023 (I can't remember) but my ex got done for IIOC, he admitted to it and his explanation to it was he had telegram and was in these groups and somehow photos and videos on there were saved onto his phone. I guess because I never heard the real story; only his story, I forgave him and because I loved him. Anyway, because he admitted to it and co-operated with the officers, his sentencing was two years on the register.
Fast forward to this year, we have welcomed a baby boy. I am the happiest I've ever been and having a baby is what I've always wanted. We got our second knock this Tuesday just gone...
This time, our dog alerts us and my ex answers the door. After that, I haven't seen him since. I think my entire world turned upside down, I'm now in insane protective mode over my son.
I guess I'm just struggling.. all our devices taken but luckily I still have my phone. LO contacts me the next day and tells me they've already found evidence on his phone, however not his current phone but an old phone that recided in our letter draw. Ex is also denying any of this, apparently has no idea what's going on.
Still waiting on SS to contact me, I'm worrying about it so much.
My son and I have moved out of our current flat and are currently sofa surfing with family.
I also feel like I have imposter syndrome, because I forgave him the first time, I feel like it's my fault we are having to go through this again but this time, with my baby.
We went through our first knock around 2022-2023 (I can't remember) but my ex got done for IIOC, he admitted to it and his explanation to it was he had telegram and was in these groups and somehow photos and videos on there were saved onto his phone. I guess because I never heard the real story; only his story, I forgave him and because I loved him. Anyway, because he admitted to it and co-operated with the officers, his sentencing was two years on the register.
Fast forward to this year, we have welcomed a baby boy. I am the happiest I've ever been and having a baby is what I've always wanted. We got our second knock this Tuesday just gone...
This time, our dog alerts us and my ex answers the door. After that, I haven't seen him since. I think my entire world turned upside down, I'm now in insane protective mode over my son.
I guess I'm just struggling.. all our devices taken but luckily I still have my phone. LO contacts me the next day and tells me they've already found evidence on his phone, however not his current phone but an old phone that recided in our letter draw. Ex is also denying any of this, apparently has no idea what's going on.
Still waiting on SS to contact me, I'm worrying about it so much.
My son and I have moved out of our current flat and are currently sofa surfing with family.
I also feel like I have imposter syndrome, because I forgave him the first time, I feel like it's my fault we are having to go through this again but this time, with my baby.
So sorry you're going through this for a second time and with the birth of your little boy as well. My ex-partner had the first knock in 2021 when we had just met (I never knew about it) and then the second knock 4 weeks ago. Have you asked officers what triggered the second knock? That might help understanding as awful as it is to hear what potentially happened. It somewhat helped my understanding as I tried to piece together what on earth has happened. I hope you can get support from loved ones and support for both you and your little boy. Sending hugs x
Thanks Hun, it been really hard tbh.
Each time he messes up his excuse is he's in a dark place. I even answered the question before it was asked whilst on the phone to LO. LO tells me he's been feeling suicidal and has informed me about it... Uh.. he definitely has not. I thought he was just struggling with being a parent which I get it, it's hard sometimes but I don't see a reasoning for why he feels like this each time.
That's basically all I know if why he could be doing it still, makes me sick.
Each time he messes up his excuse is he's in a dark place. I even answered the question before it was asked whilst on the phone to LO. LO tells me he's been feeling suicidal and has informed me about it... Uh.. he definitely has not. I thought he was just struggling with being a parent which I get it, it's hard sometimes but I don't see a reasoning for why he feels like this each time.
That's basically all I know if why he could be doing it still, makes me sick.
I think when you get to Knock No 2 the 'reason' is most likely a sustained sexual interest in children.
None of this is your fault. Its his. Your desire to believe someone you've loved & trusted up to that point is very very human (I say this as a 'leaver'!). Its all so incredibly hard to wrap your head round and so awful to imagine - the explanations they come up with are so appealing in comparison.
I do struggle with the "he was going through a dark time" type stuff. We all go through tough times, that's just life.
None of this is your fault. Its his. Your desire to believe someone you've loved & trusted up to that point is very very human (I say this as a 'leaver'!). Its all so incredibly hard to wrap your head round and so awful to imagine - the explanations they come up with are so appealing in comparison.
I do struggle with the "he was going through a dark time" type stuff. We all go through tough times, that's just life.
Dear Forum users,
This thread raises an important point about how people understand repeated offending, and there isn’t one single explanation that fits every situation.
For some individuals, a return to offending is linked to a sustained sexual interest. For others, it sits within a broader mix of things — psychological difficulties, unhelpful coping strategies, and patterns of behaviour that developed over time. These explanations don’t cancel each other out, and understanding that complexity doesn’t remove responsibility or minimise harm.
It’s also reasonable to question explanations like “they were going through a dark time.” Many people experience stress, loss, anxiety, or depression without offending, and context should never be used as an excuse. At the same time, for some people, the behaviour functioned as a way of coping with distress or feeling overwhelmed, and over time became habitual. If those underlying feelings aren’t properly addressed, everyday life pressures can act as triggers and increase risk again.
None of this shifts accountability. Responsibility always sits with the person who offended. People reach different conclusions, draw different boundaries, and take different paths — all of which are valid.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
This thread raises an important point about how people understand repeated offending, and there isn’t one single explanation that fits every situation.
For some individuals, a return to offending is linked to a sustained sexual interest. For others, it sits within a broader mix of things — psychological difficulties, unhelpful coping strategies, and patterns of behaviour that developed over time. These explanations don’t cancel each other out, and understanding that complexity doesn’t remove responsibility or minimise harm.
It’s also reasonable to question explanations like “they were going through a dark time.” Many people experience stress, loss, anxiety, or depression without offending, and context should never be used as an excuse. At the same time, for some people, the behaviour functioned as a way of coping with distress or feeling overwhelmed, and over time became habitual. If those underlying feelings aren’t properly addressed, everyday life pressures can act as triggers and increase risk again.
None of this shifts accountability. Responsibility always sits with the person who offended. People reach different conclusions, draw different boundaries, and take different paths — all of which are valid.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
