I informed the police… anyone else?
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Hi all,
I was given the Stop It Now details by the police after the arrest and while some posts have helped the vast majority of people's experience on here is different to mine and I am left feeling guilty. Its like I don't belong anywhere for help and maybe don't deserve it.
I reported my persons internet activity on discovery. Whilst I saw nothing immediately illegal, I saw enough to be concerned and knew I needed to report so a more extensive search of the devices could be done.
Me and my person have children the same ages I saw on the device. I felt like I had no choice but to report the person I love more than anything, who I know has struggled with self esteem issues, stress and porn addiction for years.
I have spent hour after hour reading hundreds of posts on here trying to get my head around everything but there are so few people who have reported themselves. There is an overwhelming amount of people standing by their person and supporting them through this and it's making me feel guilty that I haven't/aren't. I understand addictions and can also understand the difference between a contact offender and a non-contact offender, but, I still have blown up all our lives (mine, kids, persons, surrounding family and friends).
I aren't coping. One minute I convince myself he left me little choice and and did the "right" thing. The next minute I am torn to pieces thinking that I maybe should have intervened in a different way by finding support privately (although I know deep down that would have brought stresses of its own to my door and I have nothing left to give my person after years of other support).
There are a lot more complicated factors that I don't want to go into as it would be identifying. But there is now no contact between me and the children and our person. I am worried for my person and in pain for all of us. I hate my person for not being stronger and putting me in the position they did. I hate the system and process for taking so long to investigate. I hate myself for perhaps doing the wrong thing for everyone involved.
Has anyone else reported their person and have any advice about the guilt that eats away at you most hours of the day?
I was given the Stop It Now details by the police after the arrest and while some posts have helped the vast majority of people's experience on here is different to mine and I am left feeling guilty. Its like I don't belong anywhere for help and maybe don't deserve it.
I reported my persons internet activity on discovery. Whilst I saw nothing immediately illegal, I saw enough to be concerned and knew I needed to report so a more extensive search of the devices could be done.
Me and my person have children the same ages I saw on the device. I felt like I had no choice but to report the person I love more than anything, who I know has struggled with self esteem issues, stress and porn addiction for years.
I have spent hour after hour reading hundreds of posts on here trying to get my head around everything but there are so few people who have reported themselves. There is an overwhelming amount of people standing by their person and supporting them through this and it's making me feel guilty that I haven't/aren't. I understand addictions and can also understand the difference between a contact offender and a non-contact offender, but, I still have blown up all our lives (mine, kids, persons, surrounding family and friends).
I aren't coping. One minute I convince myself he left me little choice and and did the "right" thing. The next minute I am torn to pieces thinking that I maybe should have intervened in a different way by finding support privately (although I know deep down that would have brought stresses of its own to my door and I have nothing left to give my person after years of other support).
There are a lot more complicated factors that I don't want to go into as it would be identifying. But there is now no contact between me and the children and our person. I am worried for my person and in pain for all of us. I hate my person for not being stronger and putting me in the position they did. I hate the system and process for taking so long to investigate. I hate myself for perhaps doing the wrong thing for everyone involved.
Has anyone else reported their person and have any advice about the guilt that eats away at you most hours of the day?
Hi,
there are a few people on here who reported their person but they don't seem to post very much anymore. Firstly, I want you to know that you absolutely did the right thing. If anything raises concerns it should be reported. I would do exactly the same now even though I know the repercussions for everyone involved it is still the right thing to do.
Have you been able to source any therapy for yourself? I would recommend looking into that as a priority to allow you to be in a better position to function day to day. You are allowed to grieve the life you had whilst knowing in your heart that you made the correct decision. Sending love and strength to you xxx
there are a few people on here who reported their person but they don't seem to post very much anymore. Firstly, I want you to know that you absolutely did the right thing. If anything raises concerns it should be reported. I would do exactly the same now even though I know the repercussions for everyone involved it is still the right thing to do.
Have you been able to source any therapy for yourself? I would recommend looking into that as a priority to allow you to be in a better position to function day to day. You are allowed to grieve the life you had whilst knowing in your heart that you made the correct decision. Sending love and strength to you xxx
You did the right thing in reporting your person. It's hard no matter how we have all ended up here. I haven't stood by my person but I do have to interact with him due to the kids and I am trying to make that interaction as normal as possible for them. Also now I can't but help look back on our life and wonder did I miss something. Plus he has said he downloaded iioc but did not look at it and the sole purpose of doing it was to sell on but then he decided against this and deleted it. I don't know what to believe in relation to this but the trust has fully gone. The forum is handy to get to know the process and timeframes potentially involved and also just for a listening ear to vent if need be. Take care xx
I reported my person too. You aren't alone.
I didn't but only because I had absolutely no idea it was happening which also brings guilt if a different kind. Everyone's circumstances and situations are different and there are no two cases the same. You did what felt right and whilst the repercussions are so difficult for you all, none of it is your fault. When life blows up like this it's so hard and we all grieve the past and wish things were different and we could go back, but it's our people who've offended and put us here and they have to be stopped, punished for what they've done, and supported so as not to reoffend. As difficult as it is we are trying to see it as a necessary evil to getting better and moving on healthily. Most of us are taken by compete surprise so it's amazing you saw the signs, and there is no more difficult a decision than reporting your loved one and leaving them (especially when you have children together) and you should be proud of the strength it's taken to do that. We will all rebuild from this in our own ways and on our different paths but we need support at this difficult point too. The helpline may be good place to start if you haven't tried already. Please be kind to yourself and take care.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Looking back I can now see some red flags - but didn't act on them or question him.
But ultimately the lies, the disrespect, the lack of accepting the blame rather than blaming other things/folk made me end our long marriage
I respect those women who have stood by their partners but I couldn't - and it took me almost a year to make the decision. For me I knew the offending would never truly go away and that's not how I wanted to live my life.
Be kind to yourself
But ultimately the lies, the disrespect, the lack of accepting the blame rather than blaming other things/folk made me end our long marriage
I respect those women who have stood by their partners but I couldn't - and it took me almost a year to make the decision. For me I knew the offending would never truly go away and that's not how I wanted to live my life.
Be kind to yourself
You 100% did the right thing.
I'm not 'supporting' my ex either. I have enough to do raising my children without trying to sort out a grown adult with a compulsion for lying and the sexual self-control of a chimpanzee
I'm not 'supporting' my ex either. I have enough to do raising my children without trying to sort out a grown adult with a compulsion for lying and the sexual self-control of a chimpanzee
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I only found out by 'the knock' but if I had found anything myself I would've 100% reported it. Don't be hard on yourself. You did the right thing.
Thank you for all of your replies. I've read and reread them a 100 times to try and make it go in.
I have been in and out of therapy and counselling a lot over the last several years, again to do with the related identifying factors I can't go into, and essentially, I feel done with talking about it all. The therapy appointments would give me anxiety in the run up to that hour. I had better things to be doing with that time, I didn't want to pick the scab and keep opening wounds, ultimately I never felt much better after an hour of the same old conversations around everything.
I feel the same now, I don't really want to have to make set appointments to explain everything to a perfect stranger again. I don't want someone at 9am or 1pm midweek telling me my feelings are valid. I need someone at 2am/3am when I'm sleepless and sobbing to explain why, or help with the gap I'm left with, or fast forward me past this bit (which i know isn't possible).
I know it will get easier with time but what is wrong with our public services and justice systems that leave us in this heightened state of anxiety for so long? 12 months before a device can be even looked at! It's inhumane for everyone involved to have to function normally with this situation. Like having finances intertwined but no contact to remedy that or any extra support to fund living separately, having children intertwined but no/limited contact across major life events like birthdays and Christmas's, the endless social services pressures and errors on their part might I add!. I honestly feel like my basic human rights are being breached all because our public services are overwhelmed. Reporting a crime should not be this punishing on those who report!
Sorry to rant. I'm so angry at everything and everyone. Me and my children don't deserve this drawn out torment that it feels like I've unleashed for reporting. I can see why people support their partners in solidarity, as the cost of being alone through all this is high in every sense.
I still love and miss my person, yet I hate and wish I'd never met them. I'm such a mess.
I have been in and out of therapy and counselling a lot over the last several years, again to do with the related identifying factors I can't go into, and essentially, I feel done with talking about it all. The therapy appointments would give me anxiety in the run up to that hour. I had better things to be doing with that time, I didn't want to pick the scab and keep opening wounds, ultimately I never felt much better after an hour of the same old conversations around everything.
I feel the same now, I don't really want to have to make set appointments to explain everything to a perfect stranger again. I don't want someone at 9am or 1pm midweek telling me my feelings are valid. I need someone at 2am/3am when I'm sleepless and sobbing to explain why, or help with the gap I'm left with, or fast forward me past this bit (which i know isn't possible).
I know it will get easier with time but what is wrong with our public services and justice systems that leave us in this heightened state of anxiety for so long? 12 months before a device can be even looked at! It's inhumane for everyone involved to have to function normally with this situation. Like having finances intertwined but no contact to remedy that or any extra support to fund living separately, having children intertwined but no/limited contact across major life events like birthdays and Christmas's, the endless social services pressures and errors on their part might I add!. I honestly feel like my basic human rights are being breached all because our public services are overwhelmed. Reporting a crime should not be this punishing on those who report!
Sorry to rant. I'm so angry at everything and everyone. Me and my children don't deserve this drawn out torment that it feels like I've unleashed for reporting. I can see why people support their partners in solidarity, as the cost of being alone through all this is high in every sense.
I still love and miss my person, yet I hate and wish I'd never met them. I'm such a mess.
My person never gave a second thought to how his offending would affect me, his kids - who now want nothing to do with him or how it would devastate his mother. So selfish. Yet it is us that have to pick up the pieces and carry on. It's such a good job that we are all stronger than we think.
They seem to get off easier than us. All they think about is themselves whereas we are trying to keep busy and soul going - and those around us
They seem to get off easier than us. All they think about is themselves whereas we are trying to keep busy and soul going - and those around us
I reported mine. I caught him re-offending.
We then split.
You absolutely did the right thing.
Don't feel any guilt, it wasn't you who did wrong.
Take care x
We then split.
You absolutely did the right thing.
Don't feel any guilt, it wasn't you who did wrong.
Take care x
Thank you again for taking the time to respond everyone. I still feel torn up, but your comments help a little x
Yes, I did. I knew I had to within minutes of finding out. It was the first coherent thought I managed to have after the bombshell, and was the first step in saving myself from being destroyed by it too. I'm not a religious or spiritual person, but I'm convinced that it would have mangled and twisted my soul not to have. Not to mention the practical consequences if they were caught in a different way and it had come to light that I had known. As you mention having children, the latter would be true for you too.
I am at peace and proud of myself now for reporting, but I was also torn up by guilt for quite a while afterwards. Ultimately though, that guilt isn't ours to carry. We have not caused this pain and upheaval - they have. This is the consequence of their actions, not ours.
Reporting is incredibly hard, and I can't imagine how hard when you share children with your person. I am proud of you internet stranger. You are stronger than you know yet.
I am at peace and proud of myself now for reporting, but I was also torn up by guilt for quite a while afterwards. Ultimately though, that guilt isn't ours to carry. We have not caused this pain and upheaval - they have. This is the consequence of their actions, not ours.
Reporting is incredibly hard, and I can't imagine how hard when you share children with your person. I am proud of you internet stranger. You are stronger than you know yet.
Tuesday
I didn't report as I didn't know. I'm not sure if that's better or worse. You absolutely did the right thing. You have not done anything wrong; I'm afraid that lies squarely with your person who for whatever reason ended up putting themselves (and you) in this situation. You protected your children and the ones in the images by stopping it going further.
I also agree 100% how unfair this is on the non-offending partner who is left in limbo having to struggle through the unknown and detangle their very complex lives from that other person whilst handling restrictions, police, finances, social services and all the other pressures that go with it. All those on the forum that have been chewed up and spat out by this process will tell you; you can do it, you are stronger than you think and the helpline and forum are here for you to let off steam, provide reassurance and resources.
Sending the biggest virtual hug and wishing you so much strength and healing.
I didn't report as I didn't know. I'm not sure if that's better or worse. You absolutely did the right thing. You have not done anything wrong; I'm afraid that lies squarely with your person who for whatever reason ended up putting themselves (and you) in this situation. You protected your children and the ones in the images by stopping it going further.
I also agree 100% how unfair this is on the non-offending partner who is left in limbo having to struggle through the unknown and detangle their very complex lives from that other person whilst handling restrictions, police, finances, social services and all the other pressures that go with it. All those on the forum that have been chewed up and spat out by this process will tell you; you can do it, you are stronger than you think and the helpline and forum are here for you to let off steam, provide reassurance and resources.
Sending the biggest virtual hug and wishing you so much strength and healing.
Hi, firstly I want to say you absolutely did the right thing. If I'd been in your position I would reported my person too and I have seen the odd post from people did. My situation is different to yours except for the fact I'm also not standing by my person. Our relationship ended the day he was arrested.
Please don't feel guilty although I understand why you do. Sorry I don't have much more to say but I hope you continue to post because this forum is so supportive.
Please don't feel guilty although I understand why you do. Sorry I don't have much more to say but I hope you continue to post because this forum is so supportive.
Thank you for your replies.
I'm over a month from discovering and making the call now. I'm still all over the place, one minute being racked with guilt and the next full of hate for what he's done.
I've had to go back to work (intense full time job) and it's hard keep my mind on track.
I'm lonely, sad, and missing him yet at the same time I feel utterly betrayed, resentful and heartbroken.
The secondary victim trauma is real. I can't thank you all enough for reaching out x
I'm over a month from discovering and making the call now. I'm still all over the place, one minute being racked with guilt and the next full of hate for what he's done.
I've had to go back to work (intense full time job) and it's hard keep my mind on track.
I'm lonely, sad, and missing him yet at the same time I feel utterly betrayed, resentful and heartbroken.
The secondary victim trauma is real. I can't thank you all enough for reaching out x
