You've made your bed, now lie in it
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Firstly, life after isn't terrible and in many ways I am fortunate, but we are not thriving as a unit, he is not thriving and nor am I.
There are the big things I knew we'd have to work through together and I continued the relationship accepting those - The register, the police visits, the stigma, the difficulty in finding work and reduced income, the limitations or travel and family and friendship social situations. It is the other things, or the bits peripheral to those things that are hard - It is hard to plan life (finances) or conversely be spontaneous (yes, it's sunny, come up for the weekend with the kids). I'm his only source of external influence, therefore everything I do or say is amplified in his world, this for many reasons is not a healthy dynamic. There are so many more examples.
I'm fortunate to have good friends and family that know and have been supportive. But now we are out the eye of the storm, I don't feel I can lean on them. I hear the words (in my head) "You've made your bed, now lie in it".
Feeling it more recently, with another summer (4th) not feeling like I'm thriving and that life is passing me by. I'm tired of picking myself up, picking him up, looking for the positives (which i know we have many) and mustering hope that "it'll all be okay". I just want a grumble. So here I am.
For context, we are 4 years post sentence. Prison sentence and off probation but life long SHPO and SOR. He only started looking for work this year and it is hardwork and demotivating, we feel we get somewhere, feel positive then something puts a spanner in the works.
In typical "looking for the positive", I know life could be much worse for us, but it's still a bit s#*t and I just wanted to say it, somewhere.
There are the big things I knew we'd have to work through together and I continued the relationship accepting those - The register, the police visits, the stigma, the difficulty in finding work and reduced income, the limitations or travel and family and friendship social situations. It is the other things, or the bits peripheral to those things that are hard - It is hard to plan life (finances) or conversely be spontaneous (yes, it's sunny, come up for the weekend with the kids). I'm his only source of external influence, therefore everything I do or say is amplified in his world, this for many reasons is not a healthy dynamic. There are so many more examples.
I'm fortunate to have good friends and family that know and have been supportive. But now we are out the eye of the storm, I don't feel I can lean on them. I hear the words (in my head) "You've made your bed, now lie in it".
Feeling it more recently, with another summer (4th) not feeling like I'm thriving and that life is passing me by. I'm tired of picking myself up, picking him up, looking for the positives (which i know we have many) and mustering hope that "it'll all be okay". I just want a grumble. So here I am.
For context, we are 4 years post sentence. Prison sentence and off probation but life long SHPO and SOR. He only started looking for work this year and it is hardwork and demotivating, we feel we get somewhere, feel positive then something puts a spanner in the works.
In typical "looking for the positive", I know life could be much worse for us, but it's still a bit s#*t and I just wanted to say it, somewhere.
That's why I ended my long marriage. I didn't want a half life going forward with the offending never going away. It sounds harsh but I don't regret it at all. In many ways it is easier to leave than to stay. I have no advise other than to wish you well
I can understand and empathise.
I am lucky in that I have supportive family too. I am a year since the knock (communication with adult decoy). My OH knew he wasn't speaking to a "real" person. He has likened it to saying the worst thing you can imagine and people believing you. But he did say it and now my little family have to live with the life-long consequences whichever way I go. I still don't know about staying out going - I thought there would be a moment where everything would become clear. But it hasn't. I have 3 small children who adore their dad.
He hasn't been sentenced yet - we are still in this horrible limbo. There is no good option. It's trying to work out the least worst option. I don't know. One thing my mum said to me is no decision has to be forever - you are always free to change your mind. I feel so responsible for my children, their future happiness, their life chances, financial stability, providing for them. It isn't just a decision for me and it all just feels so heavy :(
Sending you lots of love. It is all just so hard!
I am lucky in that I have supportive family too. I am a year since the knock (communication with adult decoy). My OH knew he wasn't speaking to a "real" person. He has likened it to saying the worst thing you can imagine and people believing you. But he did say it and now my little family have to live with the life-long consequences whichever way I go. I still don't know about staying out going - I thought there would be a moment where everything would become clear. But it hasn't. I have 3 small children who adore their dad.
He hasn't been sentenced yet - we are still in this horrible limbo. There is no good option. It's trying to work out the least worst option. I don't know. One thing my mum said to me is no decision has to be forever - you are always free to change your mind. I feel so responsible for my children, their future happiness, their life chances, financial stability, providing for them. It isn't just a decision for me and it all just feels so heavy :(
Sending you lots of love. It is all just so hard!
Sal, Long before I felt ready to join the forum, I quietly followed your journey. The way you shared your experiences with honesty, strength, and vulnerability was truly inspiring, and I want to thank you for that.
Being in any kind of relationship with someone who has a previous criminal conviction is never straightforward. It brings complexities, challenges, and often difficult emotions to navigate. But your openness has helped shed light on those realities and made it easier for others, like me, to better understand and face them.
It sounds as if you've been incredibly strong for a long time, carrying not just your own struggles, but supporting your partner through theirs as well. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling drained and questioning whether you’re still able to thrive in this situation.
Whatever you decide, it’s okay to acknowledge that this has been hard. And it’s okay to choose what’s best for your wellbeing, even if that’s a difficult choice.
Being in any kind of relationship with someone who has a previous criminal conviction is never straightforward. It brings complexities, challenges, and often difficult emotions to navigate. But your openness has helped shed light on those realities and made it easier for others, like me, to better understand and face them.
It sounds as if you've been incredibly strong for a long time, carrying not just your own struggles, but supporting your partner through theirs as well. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling drained and questioning whether you’re still able to thrive in this situation.
Whatever you decide, it’s okay to acknowledge that this has been hard. And it’s okay to choose what’s best for your wellbeing, even if that’s a difficult choice.
I stayed with OH and we are 20 months from arrest. Charges have just come through and first court date in 2 weeks. It has been really tough with the social ostracism from everyone. I am prepared that I will have to look for positives in everything but some closure with an outcome is all I am looking fwd to at the moment. It feels very lonely but one doesn't need hundreds of friends. I have a strong support network and that's what will get me through.
Thank you for your post Sal. I think after a time people forget that our life has changed through no fault of our own, and we are doing our best to get through it the best we can. I can totally relate to your message, you have made your bed. It is nearly four years post sentencing. Friends that initially stood by me have disappeared. My sister has slowly distanced herself from me. And i think it is because though i am still struggling, in this life limbo, others cannot see why i did not leave him. And as time goes on, i think that judgement has come to the surface. I am finding things particularly hard as i feel i cannot moan about him. Recently i said to my sister how tired i was, as i had to work long hours and look after the house and my dogs, as my OH was ill. I was not looking for an opinion, just a little sympathy that i have had to work hard. All i got was, o just leave him. No sympathy, no words to make me feel better. I explained well that will just make my life even harder. My friends have started to be a little like this, so i have stopped seeing them, i get the feeling they just see me as a misery anyway. I have no other family.
Where in the beginning lots of people supported me, it nows appear anything bad happens then it seems my fault as i stayed.
Where in the beginning lots of people supported me, it nows appear anything bad happens then it seems my fault as i stayed.
Webb what you have said resonates so much.
I often try to look at it as life throws us all kinds of adverse situations and we have to navigate those - Redundancies, health, illness. In someway I think this is just another one of them, but it isn't really. It's loaded with the stigma but that it is also self inflicted. From there person who has committed the offence this is true, but the person that is doing the supporting, I think less so. There are reason (often complicated and educated) we decide to stay, and once that decision to stay has been made it isn't as simple at "this person makes your life hardwork, just leave", just as it wouldn't be easy to leave because someone was made redundant and the struggled to find employment again or became ill. I don't want this to be misconstrued as comparing committing this crime and being long term ill as the same thing, but once the decision to stay is made (and I don't think anyone makes that lightly) many of the difficulties and struggles are the same.
As you say, it isn't answers or for me not even sympathy, just some understanding and recognition that life is hard and sometimes it's harder than other times and just being able to say that out loud, without feeling guilty, causing worry nor evoking judgement or opinions is all that is needed.
I often try to look at it as life throws us all kinds of adverse situations and we have to navigate those - Redundancies, health, illness. In someway I think this is just another one of them, but it isn't really. It's loaded with the stigma but that it is also self inflicted. From there person who has committed the offence this is true, but the person that is doing the supporting, I think less so. There are reason (often complicated and educated) we decide to stay, and once that decision to stay has been made it isn't as simple at "this person makes your life hardwork, just leave", just as it wouldn't be easy to leave because someone was made redundant and the struggled to find employment again or became ill. I don't want this to be misconstrued as comparing committing this crime and being long term ill as the same thing, but once the decision to stay is made (and I don't think anyone makes that lightly) many of the difficulties and struggles are the same.
As you say, it isn't answers or for me not even sympathy, just some understanding and recognition that life is hard and sometimes it's harder than other times and just being able to say that out loud, without feeling guilty, causing worry nor evoking judgement or opinions is all that is needed.
