5yrs on since "the knock" - my story, a totally honest account!
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I would just like to give an insight into what my life was like staying in a relationship with somebody convicted of possessing indecent images of children! I hope it might give a small insight into what life could be like for others.
5 years and 6 months ago was when I found out my partner was under suspicion for the possession of indecent images, he was subsequently convicted 1 year later of categories A, B and C images and videos and was sentenced to 14 month prison sentence, suspended for 2 years, 10yrs on the sex offenders register and a 10yr sexual harm prevention order.
This is a very honest account of what I have experienced, I am not here to judge anyone, I spent nearly 5yrs thinking we could just put it behind us and move on and it would just all go away, the reality though was very different. Everyone will have their own experience, but I wish I knew what I know now.
I chose not to attend court, I will be completely honest, I was scared of what I might hear, yes, I agree, I was very stupid, I was so scared of losing my family, my security, everything I believed in. I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and stay with him...... I loved him, he was my world!
Our family consisted of 4 children, 2 step children from a previous relationship (16, 24) and our children (5, 2) we had been together 12 yrs.
From the day of "the knock" my life changed forever, what should of been a carefree existence for my family, it became a life dominated by adhering to children's services safety agreements - no unsupervised access to the children, no access to their friends, not living under the same roof. I had never had any encounter with childrens services, but I very quickly learned that if you decide to support/stay with your partner then you are deemed as "the risk" I understand the reasoning behind this now (your supporting the sex offender and not putting your childrens safety first) but at the time I couldn't for the life of me see why I was seen as a risk, I would never do anything to harm my children, my partner was a good dad and I was so sure that my partner would never touch them....... that's the thing about my partner, he knew better then all the experts, I have since come to understand the only person who knows if he would harm a child is him, if I had asked him prior to the knock if he had ever accessed images then I can guarantee he would of said NO, exactly the same response to if I asked him if he would harm a child........ so is that the truth or a lie? Little did I understand at the time but he really had brain washed me, yes me, a strong willed, opinionated women who ran her own business who alway put her family before herself. He had lived a life of lies to hide what he was doing, yes I understand the part mental health is said to play in online sexual offending "but" for me, I now see that, he "chose" to enter the dark web and "chose" to repeatedly access illegal images, they didn't come to him, he went looking knowing what the consequence of his actions might be, he was an intelligent man!
When my partner was arrested he explained he had mental health issues, went to the counsellor his solicitor recommended to get help, promised he would sort himself out etc Did he do this to really help himself, or did he do it to try and find an excuse for his actions, I'm not really sure, but I have never been able to get out of my mind what the arresting police officer said to me when they were in my house and I asked if my partner had admitted to anything, her words were "no, they very rarely do, because if they do they have to accept who they really are". Even after they left and he was getting his stuff ready to leave (he wasn't allowed any contact with our children until Childrens Services had been in touch) when I asked what he had done he told "me it must of been some emails"...... that was a lie, as those "emails" turned into 16,000 images! To this day he has never fully explained or accepted full accountability what he did, he's only admitted to things as I have found them out from external sources and then always given a "sugar coated" explanation.
For nearly 5 yrs I existed, from the time I woke up planning how our safety agreement would be implemented that day ( I know there are people out there that make the choice to ignore them but I couldn't, I was scared of the consequences) I couldn't just pop out or my children have friends round to tea without making sure supervision was implemented, or my partner went out when the friends came over. I had to make excuses (well lie really) all the time to friends as to why my partner couldn't make events where children were there ( due to his SHPO he wasn't allowed contact with girls under the age of 16). Then there was the continuous worry of the surprise MOSOVO (police who supervise sexual offenders) visit, when would it be, what if the arrived and thought I wasn't supervising properly etc I ended up a shadow of my former self, completely exhausted, depressed and at my lowest point considering if I could carry on living, all the while my partner carrying on as though the whole world was against him, telling me how terrible the situation was for him!
Nobody, unless they have experience a loved one committing online offences, can begin to understand what it's like for partners, parents, siblings, relatives etc we all make the decisions we do with the best intentions, even if others aren't able to upstand why.
I just wish I had had someone explain to me what life MIGHT be like living with a convicted offender, it's so much more than just what they did, in my case it took over my whole existence. If you have children then the responsibility of implementing safeguarding is completely on YOU, if it gets lacks or goes wrong you are the one to face the consequences (you are made well aware that they will implement "child protection" proceeding) none of it is really on the offender.
I'm now in the process of moving on, we split 10 months ago, I've sort counselling for myself and am now just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's not been easy, but for anyone out there reading, having to make the hard choice to walk away......then just to let you know from someone who understands completely....... you will be ok :)
5 years and 6 months ago was when I found out my partner was under suspicion for the possession of indecent images, he was subsequently convicted 1 year later of categories A, B and C images and videos and was sentenced to 14 month prison sentence, suspended for 2 years, 10yrs on the sex offenders register and a 10yr sexual harm prevention order.
This is a very honest account of what I have experienced, I am not here to judge anyone, I spent nearly 5yrs thinking we could just put it behind us and move on and it would just all go away, the reality though was very different. Everyone will have their own experience, but I wish I knew what I know now.
I chose not to attend court, I will be completely honest, I was scared of what I might hear, yes, I agree, I was very stupid, I was so scared of losing my family, my security, everything I believed in. I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and stay with him...... I loved him, he was my world!
Our family consisted of 4 children, 2 step children from a previous relationship (16, 24) and our children (5, 2) we had been together 12 yrs.
From the day of "the knock" my life changed forever, what should of been a carefree existence for my family, it became a life dominated by adhering to children's services safety agreements - no unsupervised access to the children, no access to their friends, not living under the same roof. I had never had any encounter with childrens services, but I very quickly learned that if you decide to support/stay with your partner then you are deemed as "the risk" I understand the reasoning behind this now (your supporting the sex offender and not putting your childrens safety first) but at the time I couldn't for the life of me see why I was seen as a risk, I would never do anything to harm my children, my partner was a good dad and I was so sure that my partner would never touch them....... that's the thing about my partner, he knew better then all the experts, I have since come to understand the only person who knows if he would harm a child is him, if I had asked him prior to the knock if he had ever accessed images then I can guarantee he would of said NO, exactly the same response to if I asked him if he would harm a child........ so is that the truth or a lie? Little did I understand at the time but he really had brain washed me, yes me, a strong willed, opinionated women who ran her own business who alway put her family before herself. He had lived a life of lies to hide what he was doing, yes I understand the part mental health is said to play in online sexual offending "but" for me, I now see that, he "chose" to enter the dark web and "chose" to repeatedly access illegal images, they didn't come to him, he went looking knowing what the consequence of his actions might be, he was an intelligent man!
When my partner was arrested he explained he had mental health issues, went to the counsellor his solicitor recommended to get help, promised he would sort himself out etc Did he do this to really help himself, or did he do it to try and find an excuse for his actions, I'm not really sure, but I have never been able to get out of my mind what the arresting police officer said to me when they were in my house and I asked if my partner had admitted to anything, her words were "no, they very rarely do, because if they do they have to accept who they really are". Even after they left and he was getting his stuff ready to leave (he wasn't allowed any contact with our children until Childrens Services had been in touch) when I asked what he had done he told "me it must of been some emails"...... that was a lie, as those "emails" turned into 16,000 images! To this day he has never fully explained or accepted full accountability what he did, he's only admitted to things as I have found them out from external sources and then always given a "sugar coated" explanation.
For nearly 5 yrs I existed, from the time I woke up planning how our safety agreement would be implemented that day ( I know there are people out there that make the choice to ignore them but I couldn't, I was scared of the consequences) I couldn't just pop out or my children have friends round to tea without making sure supervision was implemented, or my partner went out when the friends came over. I had to make excuses (well lie really) all the time to friends as to why my partner couldn't make events where children were there ( due to his SHPO he wasn't allowed contact with girls under the age of 16). Then there was the continuous worry of the surprise MOSOVO (police who supervise sexual offenders) visit, when would it be, what if the arrived and thought I wasn't supervising properly etc I ended up a shadow of my former self, completely exhausted, depressed and at my lowest point considering if I could carry on living, all the while my partner carrying on as though the whole world was against him, telling me how terrible the situation was for him!
Nobody, unless they have experience a loved one committing online offences, can begin to understand what it's like for partners, parents, siblings, relatives etc we all make the decisions we do with the best intentions, even if others aren't able to upstand why.
I just wish I had had someone explain to me what life MIGHT be like living with a convicted offender, it's so much more than just what they did, in my case it took over my whole existence. If you have children then the responsibility of implementing safeguarding is completely on YOU, if it gets lacks or goes wrong you are the one to face the consequences (you are made well aware that they will implement "child protection" proceeding) none of it is really on the offender.
I'm now in the process of moving on, we split 10 months ago, I've sort counselling for myself and am now just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's not been easy, but for anyone out there reading, having to make the hard choice to walk away......then just to let you know from someone who understands completely....... you will be ok :)
Thank you for your honest account, Lupin, and I hope your life just gets better and better now.
Thank you for your story, Lupin. I'm 4 weeks post knock and split from my partner instantly, but I have moments of weakness where I miss him and want our life back. Naturally, I can't just switch off the love I have for him, but I know I can't be with someone who has done this. I hope the next chapter of your journey continues to get better.
