New here. I’m so lost.
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Hi guys.
Just over 3 weeks ago we got the knock. 3:15am, I was and still am absolutely distraught, confused, tired, empty and scared. I don't think the sick feeling has truly left me. Not just because of what my close person has done, but because of the uncertainty it brings to your self and the children too. He's been arrested for 3 cat b images found on a Dropbox account that is linked to his email address but the phone number doesn't link to his phone number. He's claiming it wasn't him that uploaded them and apparently tried to talk this through with the police when the solicitor advised him to no comment and exercise the police's duty to get the evidence. His solicitor has confirmed she advised him to stop talking in the interview and told him to no comment.
My close person is step dad to my children and has been in their life for 4 years. My children are now 5, 8, 12 and 14. Youngest is my daughter older three my sons. I'm yet to disclose anything to them. I've tried to keep things as normal as possible.
SS rang two days after he was bailed just for an initial check in with me. I'm guessing this was a duty social worker. She told me I didn't have to disclose to school "which was wrong of her to say apparently" and to carry on doing what I was doing "supervised contact ect" until I heard from an allocated SW.
Nearly a week had passed, and a social worker phoned me and advised me himself and his manager would be out to see me that afternoon. "He's a training social worker" which is why I belive his manager attended too. They both attended that afternoon, spoke to my self and asked me if I was staying with partner. I said I was unsure at this moment in time and that kids were my priority. It doesn't help that after his arrest within hours I had logged on to his Facebook and seen he'd been unfaithful with someone from his past. So not only am I dealing with this arrest I'm dealing with unfaithfulness. They asked me if I had disclosed to my children and I said no, I said I was keeping things as normal as possible for them, allowing supervised contact. He came at the times he wouldn't be at work, was supervised by me, and leaves when the children go to bed so they know no different. He was initially bailed to our home but I had him change his bail address and move to a friends locally about 15 mins away. They seemed happy with this. I asked them if what I was doing was right, and they said to carry on doing as I was.
I would like to add my partner has two other children with his ex. She's aware of everything we have a fantastic relationship and she was the person I called at 3:30am and told her everything. She has also had SS contact her and do there own assessments, but they live 200 miles away, and we see them every school holidays. She's been my support through this because I feel like she's living this with me right now.
All my children have now been visited in school, and started family trees and we've had our first CIN meeting at school too. I feel like I'm been put under pressure to disclose to the children and I say I know I'm under no obligation to disclose and I didn't want my children's mental health to be effected by it as two children are diagnosed ADHD. The manager did intervine and said no your not under any obligation. I was then interrogated or so it felt from school to make a decision on my relationship, I told them openly in front of the social workers I still wasn't sure, but as soon as any decision had been made by myself, which I will take the time I need to make the first people I will inform is the social workers.
we've left the CIN meeting with the same "carry on doing what your doing" and I've got a home visit booked in again for in 3 days and my first assessment meeting for just me in a weeks time.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect going forward on if I stay, if I don't stay, and how long I can expect this to go on for. I'm so tired already.
If you got this far I'm so thankful. I feel like I've read for weeks and wanted to finally talk to someone.
Just over 3 weeks ago we got the knock. 3:15am, I was and still am absolutely distraught, confused, tired, empty and scared. I don't think the sick feeling has truly left me. Not just because of what my close person has done, but because of the uncertainty it brings to your self and the children too. He's been arrested for 3 cat b images found on a Dropbox account that is linked to his email address but the phone number doesn't link to his phone number. He's claiming it wasn't him that uploaded them and apparently tried to talk this through with the police when the solicitor advised him to no comment and exercise the police's duty to get the evidence. His solicitor has confirmed she advised him to stop talking in the interview and told him to no comment.
My close person is step dad to my children and has been in their life for 4 years. My children are now 5, 8, 12 and 14. Youngest is my daughter older three my sons. I'm yet to disclose anything to them. I've tried to keep things as normal as possible.
SS rang two days after he was bailed just for an initial check in with me. I'm guessing this was a duty social worker. She told me I didn't have to disclose to school "which was wrong of her to say apparently" and to carry on doing what I was doing "supervised contact ect" until I heard from an allocated SW.
Nearly a week had passed, and a social worker phoned me and advised me himself and his manager would be out to see me that afternoon. "He's a training social worker" which is why I belive his manager attended too. They both attended that afternoon, spoke to my self and asked me if I was staying with partner. I said I was unsure at this moment in time and that kids were my priority. It doesn't help that after his arrest within hours I had logged on to his Facebook and seen he'd been unfaithful with someone from his past. So not only am I dealing with this arrest I'm dealing with unfaithfulness. They asked me if I had disclosed to my children and I said no, I said I was keeping things as normal as possible for them, allowing supervised contact. He came at the times he wouldn't be at work, was supervised by me, and leaves when the children go to bed so they know no different. He was initially bailed to our home but I had him change his bail address and move to a friends locally about 15 mins away. They seemed happy with this. I asked them if what I was doing was right, and they said to carry on doing as I was.
I would like to add my partner has two other children with his ex. She's aware of everything we have a fantastic relationship and she was the person I called at 3:30am and told her everything. She has also had SS contact her and do there own assessments, but they live 200 miles away, and we see them every school holidays. She's been my support through this because I feel like she's living this with me right now.
All my children have now been visited in school, and started family trees and we've had our first CIN meeting at school too. I feel like I'm been put under pressure to disclose to the children and I say I know I'm under no obligation to disclose and I didn't want my children's mental health to be effected by it as two children are diagnosed ADHD. The manager did intervine and said no your not under any obligation. I was then interrogated or so it felt from school to make a decision on my relationship, I told them openly in front of the social workers I still wasn't sure, but as soon as any decision had been made by myself, which I will take the time I need to make the first people I will inform is the social workers.
we've left the CIN meeting with the same "carry on doing what your doing" and I've got a home visit booked in again for in 3 days and my first assessment meeting for just me in a weeks time.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect going forward on if I stay, if I don't stay, and how long I can expect this to go on for. I'm so tired already.
If you got this far I'm so thankful. I feel like I've read for weeks and wanted to finally talk to someone.
Hi Brunex,
I’m really sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation. What you’re going through is incredibly difficult, and it can feel overwhelming, but you’re not alone in it.
In answer to you question, the role of Children’s Services is to make sure that your children are safe and protected. From their perspective, if a relationship ends where there are concerns, it can make their assessment more straightforward. That said, whether you choose to stay or leave is a significant and deeply personal decision. It’s important to give yourself the time and space to think it through, without feeling rushed, pressured, or influenced by others. You’re allowed to take things at your own pace, and you can change your mind at any point if your circumstances or feelings change.
In terms of outcomes from Children Services there’s a wide range of possibilities. At one end, Children’s Services may feel reassured enough to close the case. At the other, they may decide that a higher level of support or monitoring is needed, such as placing your children on a child protection plan. Decisions like this are based on how risk is understood at the time, and while leaving a relationship where there are concerns can sometimes reduce that perceived risk, there no guarentee that ending a relationship will result in closure of the case.
Right now, the most important thing is to look after yourself as best you can. Try to take things one day at a time rather than looking too far ahead. Reaching out for support can really help, whether that’s speaking to your GP, contacting a helpline like Stop It Now, or continuing to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to carry this on your own.
Hi, Ocean.
Thank you for replying to me. I'm getting through each day, just! My mentality at the moment is just to get through each day as it comes.
It's hitting me at the most random of moments. I went to Asda at the weekend, told the youngest they could have McDonald's for a quick easy tea, and while waiting for their food, I could see all the other families going about their evening normally and I cried. My little girl give me the biggest cuddle and I told her I was feeling a little under the weather. I just want things to go back to how it was a few months ago, before this happened.
I've got another home visit to see me and the children tomorrow. Honestly as much I know I'm a fantastic mum, they fill me with fear and make me feel sick.
When reading through this forum people say it can take years to get some kind of normal back, and I truly can't imagine living through this trauma for years.
Thank you for replying to me. I'm getting through each day, just! My mentality at the moment is just to get through each day as it comes.
It's hitting me at the most random of moments. I went to Asda at the weekend, told the youngest they could have McDonald's for a quick easy tea, and while waiting for their food, I could see all the other families going about their evening normally and I cried. My little girl give me the biggest cuddle and I told her I was feeling a little under the weather. I just want things to go back to how it was a few months ago, before this happened.
I've got another home visit to see me and the children tomorrow. Honestly as much I know I'm a fantastic mum, they fill me with fear and make me feel sick.
When reading through this forum people say it can take years to get some kind of normal back, and I truly can't imagine living through this trauma for years.
First off, please please tell your children the absolute truth, in a way appropriate to their different ages. I speak from experience here - certain things were kept from me in childhood by well-intentioned relatives and it has had a longterm impact on my ability to trust and my relationship with those family members. And I KNEW. Children always know something serious is up. Its incredibly important that you keep their trust through what will almost certainly be a long and gruelling process.
It is just a slow process. Forensics will probably take 12 months+ to come back for starters. I'm sorry - there's no good news really! I'm a leaver and I think thats definitely easier TBH. I'm similar to you in that I also discovered online and offline infidelity (over quite a long period) in the immediate aftermath of the police turning up. I'll ask you what I would ask any friend in this situation IRL - is a man who has cheated on you AND is under investigation for a sex offence worth the hassle of staying, really? I know thats blunter than usual for this forum, but I can 100% guarantee that you're worth more and deserve better.
It is just a slow process. Forensics will probably take 12 months+ to come back for starters. I'm sorry - there's no good news really! I'm a leaver and I think thats definitely easier TBH. I'm similar to you in that I also discovered online and offline infidelity (over quite a long period) in the immediate aftermath of the police turning up. I'll ask you what I would ask any friend in this situation IRL - is a man who has cheated on you AND is under investigation for a sex offence worth the hassle of staying, really? I know thats blunter than usual for this forum, but I can 100% guarantee that you're worth more and deserve better.
Hi, Sad&Scared.
I thank you for been so honest. I think sometimes people try to sugarcoat things to make you feel better when in reality you do need someone to give you the raw and honest version of what they think and feel.
I've thought about leaving and I have thought about staying. I'm devastated that nearly four years of happy memories and all the things we've experienced together could just be over. I see the potential in him, I see the hurt in him, and I know he struggles with BPD but I also know I cannot be the bearer of it all for the rest of my life. He absolutely swears that he didn't upload the photos to Dropbox. The sw and police say they are three photos on the Dropbox the email address matches his but the phone number linked to the account doesn't.
I'm lost and taking everyday as it comes right now, and I feel like I'm dealing with two massive things at the same time. In one way I feel like I should wait to see the outcome of forensics ect but on another I'm like why should I give you the benefit of the doubt when you've betrayed me.
I see lots of different opinions on telling children the truth and I've taken yours into account too and I thank you for that.
I thank you for been so honest. I think sometimes people try to sugarcoat things to make you feel better when in reality you do need someone to give you the raw and honest version of what they think and feel.
I've thought about leaving and I have thought about staying. I'm devastated that nearly four years of happy memories and all the things we've experienced together could just be over. I see the potential in him, I see the hurt in him, and I know he struggles with BPD but I also know I cannot be the bearer of it all for the rest of my life. He absolutely swears that he didn't upload the photos to Dropbox. The sw and police say they are three photos on the Dropbox the email address matches his but the phone number linked to the account doesn't.
I'm lost and taking everyday as it comes right now, and I feel like I'm dealing with two massive things at the same time. In one way I feel like I should wait to see the outcome of forensics ect but on another I'm like why should I give you the benefit of the doubt when you've betrayed me.
I see lots of different opinions on telling children the truth and I've taken yours into account too and I thank you for that.
Thought I'd share my experience to see if it helps.
I didn't want to tell my child (8yrs) until I had confirmation/charges. SS said that this wasn't protecting my child if they didn't know what was going on and might confuse them. I was worried about telling more detail than they needed or making them even more anxious/upset. I was worried about the big life changes (police, charges, telling them dad was moving out, not allowed to see them etc). We explained in an age appropriate way. Dad had been talking to strangers on the internet and being unsafe online the police/social workers and "trusted grown ups" aka our family network; were worried that he'd broken the rules. Social workers who help look after children & the police have given dad some extra rules that he must stick to especially around (the child) to make sure dad is being safe. That includes them living at (another house) and (relatives supervising) to make sure we're helping them follow the rules. We don't know how long this will be for but the "trusted grown ups" will sort this out and it's ok to ask us questions -we might not know the answers but we are all trying to do the best thing, keep it as normal as we can and to make sure they are safe and know what's happening.
youre not lying to them; or covering for the offender, they know at basic level what is going on and that the issue is not anything they've done and that's why things are a bit different for the person (dad). It also shows to social services you are willing to have difficult conversations in order to protect the kids from someone who you know has been "risky". We used it as a good introduction and explanation as to why they'd be having to meet and talk to social workers and have them visit at school; again keeping them informed at appropriate level and time. No lies, no hiding anything. Kids are smart and will pick up on stuff. It's best for them to have a simple explanation rather than them worry when trying to fill in the gaps themselves or get their hopes up for something that might never happen I.e. dad coming home.
I hope that helps.
I didn't want to tell my child (8yrs) until I had confirmation/charges. SS said that this wasn't protecting my child if they didn't know what was going on and might confuse them. I was worried about telling more detail than they needed or making them even more anxious/upset. I was worried about the big life changes (police, charges, telling them dad was moving out, not allowed to see them etc). We explained in an age appropriate way. Dad had been talking to strangers on the internet and being unsafe online the police/social workers and "trusted grown ups" aka our family network; were worried that he'd broken the rules. Social workers who help look after children & the police have given dad some extra rules that he must stick to especially around (the child) to make sure dad is being safe. That includes them living at (another house) and (relatives supervising) to make sure we're helping them follow the rules. We don't know how long this will be for but the "trusted grown ups" will sort this out and it's ok to ask us questions -we might not know the answers but we are all trying to do the best thing, keep it as normal as we can and to make sure they are safe and know what's happening.
youre not lying to them; or covering for the offender, they know at basic level what is going on and that the issue is not anything they've done and that's why things are a bit different for the person (dad). It also shows to social services you are willing to have difficult conversations in order to protect the kids from someone who you know has been "risky". We used it as a good introduction and explanation as to why they'd be having to meet and talk to social workers and have them visit at school; again keeping them informed at appropriate level and time. No lies, no hiding anything. Kids are smart and will pick up on stuff. It's best for them to have a simple explanation rather than them worry when trying to fill in the gaps themselves or get their hopes up for something that might never happen I.e. dad coming home.
I hope that helps.
My daughters much younger then yours but I made it clear to SS that unless it was necessary I wouldnt be traumatising my daughter with information of what her father has done. Shes now 2 and was a baby when the knock happened. All she knows is daddy is at work and we see him when he isnt at work. Children in the family think we have broken up but are working together for our daughter. They know not every parent stays together and thats been enough for them.
There are resources via LFF on how to talk to children about this if you do need to talk to them. Im not 100% sure where they are but the helpline could direct you if you cant find them
There are resources via LFF on how to talk to children about this if you do need to talk to them. Im not 100% sure where they are but the helpline could direct you if you cant find them
