Its all coming out.
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Hello all.
Ive been reading other people's journeys on this group since September 2024. Never having the courage to write something myself. They have been helpful and shown me comfort in some of my darkest hours.
Today it al changed. Peope are starting to find out and the living nightmare has become public.
The knock came neatly, 2 years ago. My then 18 year old son had his room searched and devices seized. He was charged in March this year and pleaded guilty last week, for downloading IOC. He has to attend court again in July,
Some of the offences comimitted were as a minor. But the court report in the newspaper doesnt state any of that. Its punishing him as a 19 year old and from his arrest date. When the actual facts are clearly different.
Does anyone have any experiences of after people knowing? What are my next few days, weeks, months, years going to be like? At present im not sure if I can even leave the house. We live in such a small village. Im also worried for my son and the backlash he woll recieve. Hes already recieving threats from people he thought were his friends.
Im so angry with the system. He was a teenage boy, who got caught up doing what he shouldn't have. His life is now in turmoil, because his cpurt case was allowed to be printed in the press. Surely rehabilitation and teaching is the way forward. How can he be rehabilitated now, when he has rhe shame of everyone knowing.
Ive been reading other people's journeys on this group since September 2024. Never having the courage to write something myself. They have been helpful and shown me comfort in some of my darkest hours.
Today it al changed. Peope are starting to find out and the living nightmare has become public.
The knock came neatly, 2 years ago. My then 18 year old son had his room searched and devices seized. He was charged in March this year and pleaded guilty last week, for downloading IOC. He has to attend court again in July,
Some of the offences comimitted were as a minor. But the court report in the newspaper doesnt state any of that. Its punishing him as a 19 year old and from his arrest date. When the actual facts are clearly different.
Does anyone have any experiences of after people knowing? What are my next few days, weeks, months, years going to be like? At present im not sure if I can even leave the house. We live in such a small village. Im also worried for my son and the backlash he woll recieve. Hes already recieving threats from people he thought were his friends.
Im so angry with the system. He was a teenage boy, who got caught up doing what he shouldn't have. His life is now in turmoil, because his cpurt case was allowed to be printed in the press. Surely rehabilitation and teaching is the way forward. How can he be rehabilitated now, when he has rhe shame of everyone knowing.
I have no idea what to expect, we're not as far along, but it's one of my biggest fears/ worries when the time comes. My son is 18 too, and breaks my heart that the process is so long and brutal for them at such a vulnerable and complicated age, and that they are treated by all agencies (media included) as adults when they were minors at the time. I hope you don't attract lots more attention and it goes as well as possible in July. There's lots of other threads with similar theme if you can find them. Each difficult phase is a step forward, if nothing else, or so I keep telling myself! I just wish it wasn't such a damaging process for them, surely counterproductive to the aim of rehabilitation. Sending you strength and support x
Hi Mum,
Dealing with media exposure, losing friends, feeling judged, and worrying about what others might say or do is so incredibly difficult for both of you. But I can promise you that life does eventually begin to settle again, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
My son received 300 hours of community service as part of his suspended sentence, and in a strange way it became a bit of a lifeline. It gave him structure and gently pushed him back into being around people again, which was something he couldn’t have done on his own at that point.
It might help to focus on protecting your own wellbeing as much as possible. Not everyone will understand, and some relationships may change. You may find there are fewer people around your table, but the ones who remain are there because they truly care. Try to hold on to those who listen without judging, even if that circle feels much smaller for now.
I remember forcing myself to go to the supermarket the very next day. A couple of people asked how I was, one or two avoided eye contact, but I got through it—and that first step made the next one a little easier. Over time, things didn’t feel quite so overwhelming.
My son found it much harder, but with the help of a psychotherapist, he took things one step at a time. Gradually, he built up the confidence to go out again and be in public without that constant fear.
As hard as it was, there was also a small part of me that felt some relief once everything was out in the open. Keeping it hidden and feeling like I couldn’t be myself had taken a real toll on me and made me quite isolated.
Two years on from sentencing, my son has joined a football team with people who don’t know about his past. He tells those who need to know, but otherwise he’s been able to build a bit of a normal life again. It hasn’t been quick or easy, but it has been possible.
Things won’t always feel this intense. Be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time, and know that you’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now.
Sending you strength.
Dealing with media exposure, losing friends, feeling judged, and worrying about what others might say or do is so incredibly difficult for both of you. But I can promise you that life does eventually begin to settle again, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
My son received 300 hours of community service as part of his suspended sentence, and in a strange way it became a bit of a lifeline. It gave him structure and gently pushed him back into being around people again, which was something he couldn’t have done on his own at that point.
It might help to focus on protecting your own wellbeing as much as possible. Not everyone will understand, and some relationships may change. You may find there are fewer people around your table, but the ones who remain are there because they truly care. Try to hold on to those who listen without judging, even if that circle feels much smaller for now.
I remember forcing myself to go to the supermarket the very next day. A couple of people asked how I was, one or two avoided eye contact, but I got through it—and that first step made the next one a little easier. Over time, things didn’t feel quite so overwhelming.
My son found it much harder, but with the help of a psychotherapist, he took things one step at a time. Gradually, he built up the confidence to go out again and be in public without that constant fear.
As hard as it was, there was also a small part of me that felt some relief once everything was out in the open. Keeping it hidden and feeling like I couldn’t be myself had taken a real toll on me and made me quite isolated.
Two years on from sentencing, my son has joined a football team with people who don’t know about his past. He tells those who need to know, but otherwise he’s been able to build a bit of a normal life again. It hasn’t been quick or easy, but it has been possible.
Things won’t always feel this intense. Be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time, and know that you’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now.
Sending you strength.
Thank you ocean for sharing some glimmers of hope and more normal life beyond this awful limbo! I'm so glad your son is making good progress.
Our son's offence started when he was a minor. We asked the solicitor if it could be kept out of media because of this. He is 23 now. He asked the judge that the court be in camera because of his age and thar kept his name outbof media for tge first hearing. The first sentencing court date we were told it possibly would be in the media but the case was adjourned and his name has not come out yet.
No words of advice as such but agree the system is shockingly slow and needs reviewing.
The wait time for the while process just makes the recovery/rehabilitation more delayed. The impact on the young adult will be huge especially when under 18 at time things happened.
I'm hoping all the time on bail etc,being under 18is taken into consideration by the courts. I guess we will all find out who are true friends are over the coming months.
Has the solicitor given you much guidance what to expect so to prepare yourself for whatever comes at the next court date?.
Between us hopefully we can all support one another through this horrendous time we all find ourselves in.
The wait time for the while process just makes the recovery/rehabilitation more delayed. The impact on the young adult will be huge especially when under 18 at time things happened.
I'm hoping all the time on bail etc,being under 18is taken into consideration by the courts. I guess we will all find out who are true friends are over the coming months.
Has the solicitor given you much guidance what to expect so to prepare yourself for whatever comes at the next court date?.
Between us hopefully we can all support one another through this horrendous time we all find ourselves in.
Hello.
Thankyou all for your replies. Im really sorry, that you are all on the same journey. I never realised, that there are so many people like us. But reading your stories has helped me to understand so much. Shfjaojsbth I hope your journey isnt as long as ours and you are staying strong as a family. I wish you so much love.
Thankyou Ocean for your words.Although it being out in the open has caused us so much anxiety and emotions. I do agree that it being out in the open, is the start of the healing process. It's going to be challenging, but already the messages of support have been amazing. Some people have understood that he was a teenage boy at the time and teenage boys are at a vulnerable age. He has lost his friends, confidence and is scared of bumping into peope he knows. But im so happy that your son has manged to rebuild his life. Thats given me something to drive for, in his future.
Beach2000. Our solicitors have said that he will likely get a suspended sentence and maybe a community order. He is now on SOR too. He has an interview with the probation, to put his side of the story across and mental health services. But our solicitors haven't really communicated with us as mush as I would have liked.
Does anyone have any experiences in the courses available online? And if that would have a positive impact with the court?
Sending you all so much love xxx
Thankyou all for your replies. Im really sorry, that you are all on the same journey. I never realised, that there are so many people like us. But reading your stories has helped me to understand so much. Shfjaojsbth I hope your journey isnt as long as ours and you are staying strong as a family. I wish you so much love.
Thankyou Ocean for your words.Although it being out in the open has caused us so much anxiety and emotions. I do agree that it being out in the open, is the start of the healing process. It's going to be challenging, but already the messages of support have been amazing. Some people have understood that he was a teenage boy at the time and teenage boys are at a vulnerable age. He has lost his friends, confidence and is scared of bumping into peope he knows. But im so happy that your son has manged to rebuild his life. Thats given me something to drive for, in his future.
Beach2000. Our solicitors have said that he will likely get a suspended sentence and maybe a community order. He is now on SOR too. He has an interview with the probation, to put his side of the story across and mental health services. But our solicitors haven't really communicated with us as mush as I would have liked.
Does anyone have any experiences in the courses available online? And if that would have a positive impact with the court?
Sending you all so much love xxx
Hi,
My son completed the LFF Engage Plus course and found it incredibly helpful and transformative. After just his first session, the change in him was noticeable, it genuinely felt as though a light had been switched back on in his eyes. For the first time in a long while, he seemed more hopeful and more open.
What made the biggest difference was the realisation that he wasn’t alone in his experiences. Hearing others share similar stories helped him let go of some of the isolation he had been carrying.
I dont know whether it affected the outcome at court but the judge certainly made several positive references during his sentencing to the fact he'd completed the course.
https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/inform-plus-and-engage-plus-for-people-who-have-offended-online/
Doing courses, and anything else of a rehab-mental health nature, shows to himself, yourself, and the court, that he seriously wants to move away from his old behaviour, and gets him going on the journey. Nothing to lose :)
