Second post here, first intro
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Here is my post from another that was 'Life After Sentencing'. Someone kindly recommended I post here.
'This is my first post here. The sentencing is over, it just happened today. 5 years on the register, suspended sentence and a community harm order. I am reeling. This is my partner who I am planning to marry and have a family with. I am still unsure of what I want to do. I love them and can't imagine being without them. But am I prepared to handle all of this? I am scared of people knowing and I think I'll always be scared. I am scared of the possibility of them getting a job when they are already physically disabled too. We are only in our early 20s. I have no idea what the future could look like. What can life really be like after this? Does anyone know?'
It's now days after. None of this feels real. It's so strange because, in a way, it's all the exact same but so much is different. I'm so miserable and see no way forward for them. What future can you possibly build now?
'This is my first post here. The sentencing is over, it just happened today. 5 years on the register, suspended sentence and a community harm order. I am reeling. This is my partner who I am planning to marry and have a family with. I am still unsure of what I want to do. I love them and can't imagine being without them. But am I prepared to handle all of this? I am scared of people knowing and I think I'll always be scared. I am scared of the possibility of them getting a job when they are already physically disabled too. We are only in our early 20s. I have no idea what the future could look like. What can life really be like after this? Does anyone know?'
It's now days after. None of this feels real. It's so strange because, in a way, it's all the exact same but so much is different. I'm so miserable and see no way forward for them. What future can you possibly build now?
Hi there,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Just wanted to chime in and say that I am in a similar boat and I understand how you feel. For context: Late twenties, was planning to get married and start a family etc. My OH still hasn't been sentenced though.
It's been about 5 months since the knock for us, and I have just recently decided to leave the relationship, even though I love my OH very much. I had the exact same fears as you, and ultimately for me, the cons outweighed the pros. What helped me come to this decision is that I started to really think about what MY future was going to look like if I were to continue being with him. And it wasn't a future that I wanted, considering how much I had to lose. Especially the fact that I just cannot have a family with my OH after what he did. In saying that, I know others have chosen to stay with their OH and have made it work. I found the threads of their experiences on this forum very helpful when I was making my decision.
My advice though is to think everything through before coming to a decision. I know that it's very hard to do when you're in alot of pain and the 'what if' thoughts are particularly loud right now. You will get through this. My dms are open if you need to rant or anything. Sending you healing and hugs.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Just wanted to chime in and say that I am in a similar boat and I understand how you feel. For context: Late twenties, was planning to get married and start a family etc. My OH still hasn't been sentenced though.
It's been about 5 months since the knock for us, and I have just recently decided to leave the relationship, even though I love my OH very much. I had the exact same fears as you, and ultimately for me, the cons outweighed the pros. What helped me come to this decision is that I started to really think about what MY future was going to look like if I were to continue being with him. And it wasn't a future that I wanted, considering how much I had to lose. Especially the fact that I just cannot have a family with my OH after what he did. In saying that, I know others have chosen to stay with their OH and have made it work. I found the threads of their experiences on this forum very helpful when I was making my decision.
My advice though is to think everything through before coming to a decision. I know that it's very hard to do when you're in alot of pain and the 'what if' thoughts are particularly loud right now. You will get through this. My dms are open if you need to rant or anything. Sending you healing and hugs.
Just wanted to offer some support too.
I'm in the club no one wanted to join as well. Take each day at a time is the best advice I was given and don't rush yourself to make a decision. DM is open if you want to chat more x
I'm in the club no one wanted to join as well. Take each day at a time is the best advice I was given and don't rush yourself to make a decision. DM is open if you want to chat more x
Please don't rush to make a decision - it took me almost a year. A year of turmoil, of what ifs and the thoughts that I would never cope on my own financially or emotionally after 32 years of if marriage.
But 4 years and a divorce later and I do not regret the decision and somehow I'm far happier than I thought I would be and I'm pretty certain I'm far happier than if I had stayed.
There is light at the end of the tunnel - even if it feels that journey is long
But 4 years and a divorce later and I do not regret the decision and somehow I'm far happier than I thought I would be and I'm pretty certain I'm far happier than if I had stayed.
There is light at the end of the tunnel - even if it feels that journey is long
We are 5 months post sentence now and life minus SS (social services) is normal.
There are quiet a lot of jobs that dont require DBS so that will be helpful. Jobs are not meant to discriminate when you tick yes to a criminal record but they do. There are many companies that give people second chances and ignore that youve ticked yes to a criminal record.
If you choose to stay and have children you will likely get SS in your life due to his sentencing. So when/if that time comes make a safety plan before hand.
Ours at the moment is he doesnt do personl care alone. And at the moment he is supervised but we are now awaiting the go-ahead to transition to unsupervised in the next few weeks. By unsupervised i mean being in the same home as me but im not in the same room or the same room as another adult that knows), not leaving him alone with our child completely (i dont have an issue with it, he would have to have lost his mind to do anything because he would then face my rathe and i police would be looking for me after). That will be the last step. The knock feels like forever ago now even though it wasnt.
There are quiet a lot of jobs that dont require DBS so that will be helpful. Jobs are not meant to discriminate when you tick yes to a criminal record but they do. There are many companies that give people second chances and ignore that youve ticked yes to a criminal record.
If you choose to stay and have children you will likely get SS in your life due to his sentencing. So when/if that time comes make a safety plan before hand.
Ours at the moment is he doesnt do personl care alone. And at the moment he is supervised but we are now awaiting the go-ahead to transition to unsupervised in the next few weeks. By unsupervised i mean being in the same home as me but im not in the same room or the same room as another adult that knows), not leaving him alone with our child completely (i dont have an issue with it, he would have to have lost his mind to do anything because he would then face my rathe and i police would be looking for me after). That will be the last step. The knock feels like forever ago now even though it wasnt.
I'm so sorry we all going through this, just so tough to understand. I got the knock about 10 months ago and still not yet gone to trail. I was with him for 30 years and he was my everything. Going from Hero to zero is very difficult to navigate. After the knock we stayed together we were civil with each other but slept in seperate rooms. I couldn't imagine my life without him but i realised he was not the man i knew and i would always have my doubts . I asked him to move out 4 months ago with no contact. Was and still is very difficult but i know i have made the right decision and getting stronger each day. Everyone is different. You need to do what you think is best and not have any doubts as these will eat away at you. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide.
Hi, I think I'm in a similar position to a few people on this thread. For context, I'm mid twenties, had been with my partner for 5 years, knock happened on a Wednesday morning in March and my world shattered. I had no idea. He reoffended whilst on bail and so has been held on remand since he was arrested in March. I've had one letter from him that is all about he is feeling and no other contact since. Only through his mother who is in denial.
I love him and I miss him. I'm constantly mourning the future we planned together - were likely to be engaged next year, buying a house together, talked about marriage and children all the time.
Despite it all I've ended the relationship. Knowing I can't be with someone who lied to me for our entire relationship, betrayed my trust, and committed such terrible crimes. It's so hard because I miss him so much, and the life we had together, but I'm having to remind myself that my old life with him is gone now. It would never be the same if I decided to stay with him. I could never have children with him.
My advice is to really take time to think for yourself before you make your decision. You say you're in your early twenties, so you have so much life ahead of you. That's what I'm trying to remind myself of, and that I deserve to be loved without all of this. The grief is so loud right now, but time passing will help.
DMs are open x
I love him and I miss him. I'm constantly mourning the future we planned together - were likely to be engaged next year, buying a house together, talked about marriage and children all the time.
Despite it all I've ended the relationship. Knowing I can't be with someone who lied to me for our entire relationship, betrayed my trust, and committed such terrible crimes. It's so hard because I miss him so much, and the life we had together, but I'm having to remind myself that my old life with him is gone now. It would never be the same if I decided to stay with him. I could never have children with him.
My advice is to really take time to think for yourself before you make your decision. You say you're in your early twenties, so you have so much life ahead of you. That's what I'm trying to remind myself of, and that I deserve to be loved without all of this. The grief is so loud right now, but time passing will help.
DMs are open x
